Day 1 (again) off oxy. Need support and advice.

[cigrits]

43 minutes into day ten. My last 30mg oc was at 12am October 1. I drank a little over a half pint from 930pm yesterday til now, so not very drunk. Feel alright. Drunk boyfriend hid my Valium and Ativan before I got home so that's good I guess. But telling me he "can't fucking stand" me, and that I look like a fake bitch with makeup on isn't really helping the depression at all. He had one of my step 1 nicotine patches on the last few days and I think that might be adding to why he's such an asshat tonight.... although he's usually a fucking mental case when he drinks. I guess I should've went out with my girl friend tonight.

 

[manboychef]

You are doing awesome!

I am sorry for you about your boyfriend. I had the same problem with a girlfriend the first time I stopped. I don't know if its the same for you, but when I quit the opiates she found it harder to control me. I was extremely controllable when I was on opiates because she had most of the money, and my paychecks went right into her accounts. Then when I quit, and she realized I wasn't just trying to get everyone off my back this time she would constantly yell, belittle me, and say extremely hurtful things to me, until I finally had enough.

I had a similar childhood, however I found opiates very early and started shooting morphine in the summer of my fifteenth birthday, so I was about to be a junior. Before that I smoked weed everyday and took pain pills...I drank quite a lot...anything to get out of my headspace for a while. I was able to hold it together for a long time on the opiates. As long as I didn't run out.

Is there anyone else you can stay with for a couple nights till he comes to his senses? I am scared for you. Will you call the cops if things get physical? Keep posted here so we know you are alright.

 

[cigrits]

The anxiety! My heart is beating out of my chest. Ah I knew drinking was a bad idea. Well hopefully someone reading this that's trying to quit will think twice about getting drunk in early recovery. I ended up drinking maybe 6 shots and 3 beers. Whoops.

He doesnt really get physical anymore, so that's nice I guess. I came back into the bedroom at 4am and passed out. He's still asleep but there's no way he's going to remember anything that happened. Won't be doing that again...

The days are winding down until I have to work. Three more days. I'm so fucking scared.

Ill check in here later.

 

[cj]

The anxiety! My heart is beating out of my chest. Ah I knew drinking was a bad idea. Well hopefully someone reading this that's trying to quit will think twice about getting drunk in early recovery. I ended up drinking maybe 6 shots and 3 beers. Whoops.

He doesnt really get physical anymore, so that's nice I guess. I came back into the bedroom at 4am and passed out. He's still asleep but there's no way he's going to remember anything that happened. Won't be doing that again...

The days are winding down until I have to work. Three more days. I'm so fucking scared.

Ill check in here later.

You will be ok. Take it as a learning experience you know? Like it took me numerous times of trying to quit dope failing learning and continuing. Sure some people just do it but I don't understand them . My best advice is too be kind to yourself. Its a battle man it really is.

 

[gmlifer]

43 minutes into day ten. My last 30mg oc was at 12am October 1. I drank a little over a half pint from 930pm yesterday til now, so not very drunk. Feel alright. Drunk boyfriend hid my Valium and Ativan before I got home so that's good I guess. But telling me he "can't fucking stand" me, and that I look like a fake bitch with makeup on isn't really helping the depression at all. He had one of my step 1 nicotine patches on the last few days and I think that might be adding to why he's such an asshat tonight.... although he's usually a fucking mental case when he drinks. I guess I should've went out with my girl friend tonight.

Reading that post made me so angry. Fuck him. He needs to hit the road. If he's not part of the solution he is part of the problem. So pissed at him right now. I'm sorry you have to endure his bullshit.

I haven't been able to kick oxy yet but I did quit a very heavy booze and Coke addiction a few years ago. Substance abuse is a bitch but I wanna tell you something about yourself that you don't seem to know. You see you say you have no will power but my wife is a teacher like you. I was with her all through school and the truckloads of will power it takes to finish the teaching program is incredible. If your truly want to stop with the oxy I truly believe if you could dig up the will power from the same place you did when you were determined to finish school then you will have no issues. Congrats on making the step to get away from the these horrible pills.

 

[manboychef]

IMO the only chemical that will give you any relief during withdrawals is a benzo.

Like crimsonjunk it took me a long time and many tries to quit. It was four years of trying different things and having them not work, however the only failure is if you stop trying. I will have a year right after my birthday so I look at it as a great present.

When it comes to going back to work you will do fine. You may be a little irritable, a little low on energy, but I have total faith that you can do it.

Addiction is extremely insidious in how it works. I would stay away from other mood altering substances until you have a little time under your belt. I know for myself everytime I tried to stop and had a little clean time if I drank a drink or smoked some pot it slowly devolved into me using my drug of choice. It may not have been the first time I drank or used, but would invariably go there at some point.

You are doing amazingly. You are over the hump...just keep us posted and let us all be your sounding board.

 

[cigrits]

4 hours and 45 minutes until day 12... I'm still waking up freezing or stuck to the sheets with sweat. Today I forced myself to clean my house for 3 hours. Had a coffee, ate some pizza... Fucking heart attack anxiety shit kicked in about an hour ago. I went to the store and bought two more scratch tickets and a bottle of wine (will I ever learn?). Nope probably not. At least it wasn't a pint of vodka, right?!? :-/

gmlifer, it's okay. I was being an asshole to him too the other night. He's not that bad anymore. People just do and say dumb shit when they're blackout drunk. I'm a pretty big asshole when I drink too. I pulled a knife on him like 6 years ago after blacking out and he threw me across the room, my leg got all fucked up blood everywhere, have a beautiful scar to remember that by. But yeah if that gives you an idea, I usually start shit and he ends it when I realize he's twice my size and can kill me HAH.........

I bought the wine because I want to go as long as I can without the Valium. I know I'm going to need it on my first day of work in 2 (oh my god 2) days. Ugh.

I have been having pretty bad cravings for oc's today. I still have some Vicodin in my room somewhere. Not touching it. Stupid to hold on to I know, but I feel like I freak out less when I know I have something somewhere?

If if I can make it to work on Tuesday without anything I know I will never touch this shit again. That's the only thing I worry about. I have to pretend to be exciting for 4 hours AHHH SNEEZE ATTACK and then I can go home and know that I made it through the day sober.
Fingers fucking crossed. And toes.

Every single fucking time I come on here and read your comments I seriously feel even more and more confident that I'm done for good. And you all make me happy, if even just for 5 seconds out of the day. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH

 

[cigrits]

IMO the only chemical that will give you any relief during withdrawals is a benzo.

Like crimsonjunk it took me a long time and many tries to quit. It was four years of trying different things and having them not work, however the only failure is if you stop trying. I will have a year right after my birthday so I look at it as a great present.

When it comes to going back to work you will do fine. You may be a little irritable, a little low on energy, but I have total faith that you can do it.

Addiction is extremely insidious in how it works. I would stay away from other mood altering substances until you have a little time under your belt. I know for myself everytime I tried to stop and had a little clean time if I drank a drink or smoked some pot it slowly devolved into me using my drug of choice. It may not have been the first time I drank or used, but would invariably go there at some point.

You are doing amazingly. You are over the hump...just keep us posted and let us all be your sounding board.

you know, I just have to stop worrying about being the center of attention in a bunch of teenagers for 4 hours. I know that after like 15 minutes, if I don't keel over and just drop fucking dead I will be fine.

hopefully I don't keel over and drop fucking dead. Breathe....

Its just my first class sober. Ever. That's why I'm freaking out.

 

[cigrits]

I stopped myself at 2 beers and a glass of wine tonight around 7. Started to feel shitty and remembered I don't want to feel even worse tomorrow. Around 11:30 tonight I had the worst fucking panic anxiety heart attack for no reason at all, I was just watching tv and then OH GOD IM DYING. what the fuck? This is usually how it happens. Random. It lasted for over two hours. Goddamnit. I feel okay now, but I'm really getting sick of this shit happening every day. Numerous times. Tomorrow I'm going to just take a Valium if I start to feel panicky.

This whole breathing technique shit isn't working.

day 12 day 12 day 12

 

[cj]

I stopped myself at 2 beers and a glass of wine tonight around 7. Started to feel shitty and remembered I don't want to feel even worse tomorrow. Around 11:30 tonight I had the worst fucking panic anxiety heart attack for no reason at all, I was just watching tv and then OH GOD IM DYING. what the fuck? This is usually how it happens. Random. It lasted for over two hours. Goddamnit. I feel okay now, but I'm really getting sick of this shit happening every day. Numerous times. Tomorrow I'm going to just take a Valium if I start to feel panicky.

This whole breathing technique shit isn't working.

day 12 day 12 day 12

Damn that is brutal. Breathing exercises are something that I have tried to have an open mind about but do jack shit for me. My best advice too hang in there because it will get better.

If you leave the pills in your room then you have already failed. Sorry if that's harsh but......

 

[manboychef]

Damn that is brutal. Breathing exercises are something that I have tried to have an open mind about but do jack shit for me. My best advice too hang in there because it will get better.

If you leave the pills in your room then you have already failed. Sorry if that's harsh but......

Leaving the pills in your room is having a reservation. A reservation is a situation that you have in your mind that you have made it okay to use.

One reservation for me is "If I don't get a chance to see my son this year then I am going to get high." It really is just another insidious way your addiction talks to you indirectly. If it were me then I would flush those. It is a very easy way to hop back on the merry-go-round that is opiate addiction.

It is extremely natural to feel anxiety in early recovery. There are a lot of underlying mental conflicts that need to be addressed in order to stop feeling those so much. We didn't get addicted to hard drugs because our lives were going swimmingly, and if our lives were going swimmingly we would never have found solace in them and continued to use them to achieve this fleeting feeling of well being. In NA, and AA it is step four: Taking a fearless honest moral inventory. It will help you to let go of the past. In our pasts as addicts we may have done some terrible things, or witnessed terrible things. There are also situations that stick with us. Our hearts are like a dry erase board. Unfortunately some things don't get written in dry erase markers, they get written in sharpie. One for me is the night my ex took my son. It has been five years and I still have a hard time with it. It still causes me trust problems, and intense sorrow. I know that using will only make this harder to cope with, and the only thing that works to heal it is to face it head on and deal with it. Always bare in mind that our past is the past, and you only have control over the present. I don't let who I was define me (I would be a sorry excuse for a man if I did) rather I let who I am now, and the works that I do lead me to feeling okay about myself. I still sometimes feel less than, or not worthwhile, but those feelings pass.

Breathing exercises sometimes work for me, but I have had to go to a doctor and get help for my panic disorder, and OCD. The symptoms you describe sound like panic disorder. Going from feeling okay, to full blown panic attack in moments reminds me an awful lot of myself. My doctor prescribed me .5mg alprazolam (xanax) to help with these panic episodes. This is also a drug of abuse and it is easy to slip into an addiction and physical dependence to these as well. Be very careful. I would see your doctor and lay everything on the table for him/her and he/she may be able to treat you.

Congrats on day 12! Keep going, you are building up momentum. Even at close to a year sober I still encounter cravings, using dreams but as you progress they get easier and easier to manage.

Keep us posted...I am rooting for you!

ps: have you tried talk therapy? It works very well for me.

 

[cigrits]

Damn that is brutal. Breathing exercises are something that I have tried to have an open mind about but do jack shit for me. My best advice too hang in there because it will get better.

If you leave the pills in your room then you have already failed. Sorry if that's harsh but......

..... I don't feel like I failed. :-/

 

[cigrits]

Leaving the pills in your room is having a reservation. A reservation is a situation that you have in your mind that you have made it okay to use.

One reservation for me is "If I don't get a chance to see my son this year then I am going to get high." It really is just another insidious way your addiction talks to you indirectly. If it were me then I would flush those. It is a very easy way to hop back on the merry-go-round that is opiate addiction.

It is extremely natural to feel anxiety in early recovery. There are a lot of underlying mental conflicts that need to be addressed in order to stop feeling those so much. We didn't get addicted to hard drugs because our lives were going swimmingly, and if our lives were going swimmingly we would never have found solace in them and continued to use them to achieve this fleeting feeling of well being. In NA, and AA it is step four: Taking a fearless honest moral inventory. It will help you to let go of the past. In our pasts as addicts we may have done some terrible things, or witnessed terrible things. There are also situations that stick with us. Our hearts are like a dry erase board. Unfortunately some things don't get written in dry erase markers, they get written in sharpie. One for me is the night my ex took my son. It has been five years and I still have a hard time with it. It still causes me trust problems, and intense sorrow. I know that using will only make this harder to cope with, and the only thing that works to heal it is to face it head on and deal with it. Always bare in mind that our past is the past, and you only have control over the present. I don't let who I was define me (I would be a sorry excuse for a man if I did) rather I let who I am now, and the works that I do lead me to feeling okay about myself. I still sometimes feel less than, or not worthwhile, but those feelings pass.

Breathing exercises sometimes work for me, but I have had to go to a doctor and get help for my panic disorder, and OCD. The symptoms you describe sound like panic disorder. Going from feeling okay, to full blown panic attack in moments reminds me an awful lot of myself. My doctor prescribed me .5mg alprazolam (xanax) to help with these panic episodes. This is also a drug of abuse and it is easy to slip into an addiction and physical dependence to these as well. Be very careful. I would see your doctor and lay everything on the table for him/her and he/she may be able to treat you.

Congrats on day 12! Keep going, you are building up momentum. Even at close to a year sober I still encounter cravings, using dreams but as you progress they get easier and easier to manage.

Keep us posted...I am rooting for you!

ps: have you tried talk therapy? It works very well for me.

Sorry to hear about your son. You're right it is having a reservation.
I woke up with crippling anxiety again, not sure what to do right now. As I get closer and closer to having to teach class tomorrow I'm getting more and more nervous. Pretty much fucking crippled right now.

i don't know if I've been this crazy before the pills. I do remember at job interviews I would get there early and sit in my car and freak out for half an hour before going inside. Presentations, things like that, just like vibrating and feeling like I'm gonna pass out. I always managed to pull through. I'm trying to compare it to that, and just keep telling myself this is how I was before the pills.

Going to to drag my ass in the shower and maybe go pick up some Passion flower tea at the store. On the fence about taking a Valium still, trying to learn how to cope with feeling like I'm dying all day. I'll wait it out until maybe 4pm and then see how I feel. I really fucking hate this. So much.

Never tried talk therapy. Sounds like you're right, prob panic disorder although I don't want to admit it.

I think im going to get dressed and set everything up and go through my presentation tonight, and like pretend I'm at work or something.

Still sneezing and freezing. I thought the physical shit would be gone by now. Leg cramps were so bad last night it took me so long to fall asleep. My back hurts like hell today too. This really isn't going as well as I thought it would be.

 

[cigrits]

Today was the first day I can actually say, "I had a good day."

So so hard to get up in the morning, but my friend texted me and told me he was coming over to get me out of the house. We went for a pretty long walk in the woods, looked at rocks, went to the supermarket and I picked up some Passion flower tea because I heard it might work to increase GABA or some shit and reduce anxiety.
felt the beginning of another panic freak out coming on, and made an extra strong cup. Chugged that shit. I really feel like it helped, I never went into full blown panic and the anxiety let up quite a bit about half hour to 45 min after drinking it. Not gone, but bearable. Fucking bearable. Gonna make 4 tea bags in a cup and drink it tomorrow on the wAy to work with one red bull and I'll have an Ativan in my pocket juuuust in case.

i might have my boyfriend drive me the half hour to work tomorrow just to make sure I don't freak out and run away, haha. I got this though.

3 1/2 hours to day 13. I FUCKING GOT THIS

 

[Erikmen]

Good luck cigrits!! You can do this!

 

[Bobsled1234]

Just read the whole thread ... Good luck today ! You've done really well

I'm on day 3 of quitting oxy . I'm using a Norspan20 Bupe patch and tapering down over the next few weeks to a Norspan5 patch , and then nothing but aspirin ! Pretty nervous about what WDs are like coming off Bupe , never tried Bupe before now , so not sure how bad it is .

So far the Bupe patch has been epic . No real withdrawals and living like a normal person again . Just hope it's not delaying some inevitable agony once I stop Bupe ??? The taper down should make it easier than straight up CT off oxy anyway I'm sure .

 

[manboychef]

The bupe will lessen your withdrawals but if you dabble and abuse opiates you will eventually need to pay the piper. I would use this time that your life is stabilized on bupe to acquire the comfort meds you need to withdrawal, get your affairs in order, and develop a support network to help you get through the withdrawals without using.

Goodluck.

@cigrits. You are doing fine. I would go see your GP about the anxiety. At this stage your anxiety from ceasing use should be alleviated for the most part unless you have an underlying anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are so common and there are many ways to combat them. Did you get rid of those hydros yet?

 

[Jabberwocky]

The only concern with the bupe patch is the way higher than necessary doses. But if you're only using it for one or two weeks you're not going to have any problems withdrawal-wise when you stop it. As MBC suggested, using the bupe to stabilize your life while you get shit in order and gather some comfort meds and suppliments and plan healthy meals and the like is pretty much essential to the "easy" detox these days.

cigrits, and really anyone reading this thread, please take A LOT of the advice you hear here - No, take ALL OF IT - with a dollop of salt.

Taking a benzo because you're have a legitimate panic attack, especially when used as prescribed by a reasonably able doctor, is only a failure in the books of some of the more hard core total abstinence crowd. When push comes to shove - A failure is only a failure if you feel it is. In recovery, I'm actually tempted to say that when a person genuinely cares about bettering themselves and leading a healthier life, there are no failures, only momentary setbacks and learning experiences.

From our pms cigrits, I get the impression you have a pretty damn good understand of how dangerous and easy addiction can sneak up on us. You know what you're up against, just like you understand the risks of using benzos or buprenorphine. In fact, IMHO you've been a bit overly hesitant to use something like bupe or a benzo when you really need it, which, although certainly not a bad thing, keeping medication from yourself that will do you some genuine good is not a good thing either.

When we have a history of dependence, addiction, whatever you call it, taking a potentially addictive substance, whether it's your former DOC or something else, is always necessitates a cost-benefit analysis. If the potential costs outweigh the benefits, that's a pretty good indicator you shouldn't take it.

You will head from many people in the recovery as abstinence only community, who take this very narrow approach, that you should never take anything related to your DOC or any potentially addictive substance again, ever, at any point in your life, regardless of whether you liked it or not, PERIOD. Some take it to the extreme of saying you should never take any psych meds or prescriptions (or OTC meds) either. These people are very out of touch with the modern treatment and understanding of addiction.

Erring on the side of caution when it comes to any "addictive" medication, and avoiding illicit drugs on the whole (with the exception of cannabis and some psychedelic perhaps; the problem with using illicit stuff is that it often puts us in situations where we have ready access to our previous DOC or other much more dangerous drugs than the weed or magic mushrooms we wanted to get), is some very mature shit to be doing. Really a healthy outlook given your experience and goal to begin a meaningful recovery from addiction.

It's a really great idea, actually it's ideal, that you see your GP, have a physical and get yourself checked out for the anxiety you're experience. The anxiety and panic attacks may or may not be a part of some lingering withdrawal your experiencing. Just because you're over the acute phase for the most part if not completely over it doesn't make that any less real. It is just as if not more likely related to either an underlying disorder or simply the stress of transitioning from an addiction free life. It's kinda a shock to the system generally speaking, ya know?

I wouldn't mention anything to your doc about addiction unless you already know for yourself that they're very open and understanding, and will not write off the positibility of prescribing entire catagories of medications just because they've labeled you an addict and believe that as an addict you will get addicted to any addicting substance. Unfortunately, most addiction specialists out there are some of the worst doctor's I've ever met, and the majority fit the bill of the kind of doctor I just described you should really try to avoid. They won't be able to provide you with really rigorous care, and will be biased the whole way - even if they're probably be less biases than other doctors who still treat addicts with nothing but spite or at best paternalism.

You want a doctor who will work with you, not look down on you. You do not want a paternalistic doctor who is convinced they know better than you what you need. That's simple bullshit, through and through. And although a good working relationship with a good doctor can provide immense support, especially in the first year or two of your recovery period, it's not essential. Many, many folks - I'd actually be willing to say most - have done it successfully before you without the help of a doctor who has any idea of what was going on, if there was a doctor involved at all.

Keep up the great work cigrits! You're doing fantastic.

 

[cigrits]

Thanks... I'm getting ready for work. I am so nervous. Got no sleep tonight because my neighbors fucking suck and have like 25 kids living upstairs. Fuck. I'm exhausted and I feel like shit. I just took like 1mg of Valium basically for a placebo effect, I'm too tired to handle more than that right now. Drank my protein shake, took a shower got dressed, and now I'm sitting in my bedroom freaking out. Oh god. If I make it through tonight without keeling over it'll be a fucking miracle. Why was yesterday so great and yesterday so terrible?!

If i don't check back in later tonight I died. Dead. Ah!!!

Not doing any opiates either way though, so at least I'll be clean and dead.

 

[cigrits]

Just read the whole thread ... Good luck today ! You've done really well

I'm on day 3 of quitting oxy . I'm using a Norspan20 Bupe patch and tapering down over the next few weeks to a Norspan5 patch , and then nothing but aspirin ! Pretty nervous about what WDs are like coming off Bupe , never tried Bupe before now , so not sure how bad it is .

So far the Bupe patch has been epic . No real withdrawals and living like a normal person again . Just hope it's not delaying some inevitable agony once I stop Bupe ??? The taper down should make it easier than straight up CT off oxy anyway I'm sure .

never tried the patch but my friend is on them, he got super addicted to them and they keep upping his dose. Congrats on day 3! I wouldn't stay on them for too long unless you know you're going to end up using when you come off of them. Couple weeks maybe, good idea with te tapering plan though I think that will do you well. I'd take a few days off of work when you come off of them for good.