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Cutting v. 2

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I explained to the bf how the cutting works in my brain, he gets it. Its been half a month and what looks like a scar still hurts. Right on my wrist where everyone can see it. Nice one...
I cut pretty much right arm, moved to shoulder mainly for cover. I will get random sharp pain when I have not been cutting there for months. Did I like cut a nerve or something or whats the deal?
 
Hmmm I think it's probably more just the memory of the feeling. Pain is an incredibly strong trigger in the brain. Therefore it has a bigger impact on memories.
 
Crankinit said:
I guess my post did come across as a bit guilt-trippish, and sorry if it did, that wasn't the intention. My first real relationship was with a girl who cut, and remembering the huge amount of pressure and doubt that put on me is a huge part of why I forced myself to stop when I started falling back into cutting last year. When I was going through a horrible phase and started spending a chunk of every day or two with a knife, I stopped because I decided that even if I didn't care about what I did to myself, that I'd at least hold myself together for the sake of my family.

And I know sometimes that doesn't mean much and it certainly didn't to me when I was self destructing with drugs, but in one of my more clearheaded moments I decided that if I give up on myself, then I give up on the people around me who've gone to hell and back for me, and who've always had the best intentions even if that hasn't reflected in the best actions, and that's what made me stop again. It's the reason I've always held back when I've felt suicidal, sure I just turned to the methpipe or the pills or the bottle instead and that wasn't good, but when you give up on yourself, that means all the people around you who've tried to help you have failed, and I don't think they deserve that.
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I really don't know what to say. I'm tired and that's a lot to process. I haven't cut, because he would be disappointed in me. He told me so. So now I have guilt about even thinking about it. When I have not learned other coping skills I think its pretty unfair to start taking the cutting and the isolation and the drugs all away at the same time! I know its out of love but I have to learn REPLACEMENT ONES!!
 
I started again :( Too much fucking pressure on me!
I cut on my hands now because I don't care who sees it, and since it's winter and I'm wearing sweaters, I want to look at my cuts too and remind myself that they are there.
 
Aww honey, please don't do it any more?? *hugs* <3
There are other ways to cope okay?? Try some of the methods previously desribed in here, like snapping a rubber band on to your skin, or crushing ice in your hand. Get those endorphins flowing without breaking the skin hun <3
 
wingnutlives said:
I started again :( Too much fucking pressure on me!
I cut on my hands now because I don't care who sees it, and since it's winter and I'm wearing sweaters, I want to look at my cuts too and remind myself that they are there.
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I've been reading about how studying puts alot of pressure on you. I can relate to you, alot with that.

That makes me sad to read your cutting, honestly.
 
I'm sorry to hear you are cutting again. You are so strong.
I want to cut. But I can't hide if from Sean...
I need to feel different than I do....anxious, depressed and suicidal
 
maybe u can talk to sean about how ur feeling, pillthrill
im glad u dont hav any plans to try and hide it from sean - it shows honesty on ur part
ur a strong chick - u can get thru this!
and same with u, wingnut - look at it as a glitch, a relapse
u can always stop again and put it behind u - both of u r too beautiful inside and out to cut urselves <3
 
I haven't done it. I would rather just take drugs and make it go away then let him see it. See it and think about it, every time we are intimate. My ex didn't seem to mind really after, Sean would think he caused it. He was just here and I have no answers for why I feel this way.
 
^ Good luck. I know how the pressure of wanting to cut combined with the fear/future guilt can make you feel. It's pretty awful. Stay strong.

I cut my forearm (ugh, nice placement) really badly about a month ago. I regret it every time I see it and I think this regret is a sign of a major change. Previously I did not regret it just looked at my scars with sadness and memory of all the hurt. I probably have 20 scars or so on my right arm (4 burns the rest blade cuts), a few on my hips and a couple on my legs. They fade incredibly slow for me. I think part of the reason is I'd re-cut on top of scars thinking this would be less scarrage. :| I just want them to go away. :\
 
^^ Oh my goodness, that sounds exactly the same as my cutting history. Like, uncanny similarity.

I have a lot of small/thin scars on my left forearm, a couple on my right forearm, some on my hips, and some really big hideous ones on both thighs. I too have cut over old scars to try to minimise the number of visible scars, but it just makes the old ones worse and more conspicuous 8)

I also did a big awful cut on my right forearm about 3 months ago, which had to be stitched up. The scar is so obvious, I wear a plaster over it at all times. But seeing as 3 months is obviously a long time for a wound to heal, now people are starting to question me as to why I always have sticking plaster over that one spot. Hmmm.

I haven't cut since that last one 3 months ago, and I cannot do it again. Before, I was never ashamed of my scars. But the most recent ones are so big and dark and angry, it inhibits my social life and my choice of clothing etc. I don't have many regrets in life but those big scars I definitely do regret.
 
Some old "word work" that you all might understand.

Paint you pain in blood
the blood washes away
but the scars remain

My body is a record of my pain
I'll remember
and never make that mistake again

My weakness shows through my skin,
and I can't deal with the pain I'm in.

I feel like I don't exist
I feel like there is emptiness inside
I feel the pain
I see the blood
I guess I am afterall
but maybe I wish I wasn't

The blood runs down
and into my hand
I wish I could hand it to you
with my pain
so that you could understand
 
When I started when I was 13 I had no idea how addictive it would become. It felt like my skin would start to tingle in the areas I used to cut in an overwhelming or anxiety causing situation. The pain and watching the blood itself flow was extremely soothing and gave me something else to focus my energy on.

I haven't cut for about 2 years but I still get the tight/tingling feelings where I would cut. And my mouth starts to water when I think about it. Just like it does when I start fiending for some cocaine... It's so weird. It was a bitch to get myself to stop.
 
Hi Paingasm, that's so great you don't cut anymore, keep up the good work.
Do you have other coping mechanisms when you're anxious or depressed?
 
Hi Paingasm, that's so great you don't cut anymore, keep up the good work.
Do you have other coping mechanisms when you're anxious or depressed?
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Klonopin! It chills you out in those flighty I need to cut NOW moments. Kills the impulse.
 
Man I could've used some last night. I had a complete breakdown. I was this fucking close to cutting. I honestly don't know how I didn't do it?! I suppose I just rode it out...
 
Just keep riding them out like that!!! That's how I did it... The more you fight it the easier and easier it gets... However, I will tell you it was probably harder for me to quit that than it was to stop drinking and using cocaine combined. But if you stick to it it def starts to get easier. Have you seen a doctor about it? Benzos would probably def. help you... but it is kind of trading one addiction for another.

Good luck and good job!!! I still struggle with the thoughts, but I promise you it gets so much easier when you want to quit.
 
i know i know little about cutting but i definitely know about benzos
cutting is a horrible psychological addiction, but it can b worked thru with intensive therapy AFAIK
benzos r a psychological and physical addiction that really fuck u up and take ages to wean off for some ppl, as well as needing drug rehabilitation, etc - take it from someone whos bn there
maybe if u can use benzos occasionally wen the cutting urges r really severe and ur in absolute distress, they cud b helpful
but b very cautious wen using benzos
 
Went to the hospital and got seven stitches!! I can't believe i went that overboard. What the fuck was i thinking? I need better coping mechanisms for sure.
 
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