• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Cutting v. 2

Status
Not open for further replies.
^couldn't have put it better myself.

I actually knew about it before I did it. I had actually, out loud, told my parents they never had to worry about me doing it because I could never do that to myself (we were walking a show about a girl who did it). Then one day eveything just started crashing around my and I saw a razor blade and the next thing I knew...If I had known it would be such a struggle to stop for the next 4+ years...Well, I probably still would have done it because when I do it I'm definitely not thinking.
 
like pillthrill said burn like that, the scars also heal pretty quick, unlike cuts which I now have to cover and hide for who knows how long.
 
But burning is still self-harm. It's still not an effective way of coping with things. You need to get to the root of the problem and sort out the issues that are making you self-harm in the first place.
 
Cutting was something which was a part of my life years ago...from age 12 until age 16. I have always been a very sensitive and emotional person. I used to believe that there was something wrong with me, and I had very self-destructive thought patterns. I had trouble expressing the extreme emotions I felt in a healthy way, which led me down a dark path during those years of adolescence. I felt very alone during these times. My friends who knew about my self-harm didn't understand, and it made them uncomfortable. My parents didn't know for a long time, as I wore long sleeves or bracelets to cover the scars. It wasn't until my parents discovered my habits that I was able to get help, and end the cycle. I'm nearly 21 now, and have only had one relapse since I made the conscious decision to change, which was when I was 17. Although there have been temptations, I believe I will never cut myself again. I am still a sensitive and emotional person with highs and lows, but I am much more comfortable with myself now, and have spent years developing healthy habits for coping with anxiety, stress, and sadness, which of course are a part of life. My scars are here, although they have faded slightly with time, as with my emotional scars, to something which is only visible if one takes the time to notice. I have stopped feeling embarrassed for the mistakes of my past: we learn a lot from mistakes, and there is no use regretting things we cannot change. Physical and emotional battle wounds are a part of us all.

I'd like to send out my love to all of you who are still stuck in these self-destructive cycles. It sometimes takes years of work in order to love yourself properly, but it's within each of us to change our lives for the better. Even if the darkness is overwhelming in it's strength, you can help yourself if you put your energy in to embracing the light....

LOVE YOURSELF <3

here is one of the wishes on a wishing tree at a music festival I was at in the summer, which is applicable to what y'all are goin through.

n691330437_4956565_7009.jpg
 
Pillthrill said:
A poem I finished today:

I carry you with me,
in the marks on my skin.
Showing the pain
that I hid within.

Compared to the pain you caused
this doesn't hurt as much.
You cut deeper and
and my soul did touch.

With one pain,
I silence the other.
To feel no more
the need for another.

As the blood runs down,
the tears no longer fall.
I gave you my blood,
I gave you my all.
Click to expand...

That's really good. You're very talented. I've silently read a lot of your posts on here for a while and you seem all for helping other people. If you write so well, why not encourage people to write poetry on their cutting experiences too, or simply keep writing your own and make a book of it.
If it ever got published, it'd help a lot of people know they're not alone.

Just an idea...
 
Pillthrill said:
I was just admitting that I suck, not advocating it.
Click to expand...

You don't suck. You just had a weak moment.
I'm sure any ex-cutter or semi-ex-cutter can relate to that.
Sometimes it just all builds up until we lose sight of all the hard work and therapy and distractions that once worked and just go crazy, and for one person, it's one burn and yet for another it's a while other arm full of scars but they'll heal and you can get your strength back.
Accept you were weak in the moment but not weak as a person.
Overcome it again.
Like I've said in the forum about opiates is that I think that once you are truly addicted to something, you can conquer the addiction but it always lies dormant. You fight that fight with it every day from then on.

Just. Don't. Let. It. Win.
Stay Strong.

<3
 
I agree with you there coldasice. Pillthrill doesn't realize her full potential. I know this, because I am just like her. We are here on this site to get it out, because we feel it. It is so hard to hurt when your numb that words help more then destruction. We all relapse, but we get up and move forward. How else can you feel anything unless you fight for life?
 
stellablue said:
I agree with you there coldasice. Pillthrill doesn't realize her full potential. I know this, because I am just like her. We are here on this site to get it out, because we feel it. It is so hard to hurt when your numb that words help more then destruction. We all relapse, but we get up and move forward. How else can you feel anything unless you fight for life?
Click to expand...

I think we are all just like her in one way or another.
I dropped out of high school and work shitty jobs and hate myself for it when I'm not unintelligent. I just convinced myself I'd crack under the pressure of exams and even now, I can't afford to go back into schooling so I wonder if really doing crappy jobs is my full potential. I just feel useless and numb. And if something makes me feel alive again, I'm going to do it, but then I had to realise that that was destroying me in my mind AND my body.

I think your last point needs reiterating:
We all relapse, but we get up and move forward. How else can you feel anything unless you fight for life?
 
Pillthrill said:
no ones going to tell u how to kill urself
Click to expand...

Look, suicide is not the answer. I'm a firm believer that if you don't learn your lesson in this life, you'll have to learn it in the afterlife or your next life along. However, you might not see it like that.
Either way. it's not a good move.
Have you tried the sorta ways of hurting yourself without doing lasting damage to yourself - like crushing ice in a towel in your hand. I know it sounds stupid and like I'm underestimating the situation but it helps me. Firstly because the cold does cause pain but its not scarring type pain or wounding type and then getting to break something is good for getting rid of anger.

Try it just for me, and let me know how it goes.
PM me if you need someone to talk to that isn't directly related to you and can sorta mediate without the useless 'but its only cuz I/we care' comments or the 'how can you do that to yourself?' anger...
 
Last edited by a moderator:
PT, there are so many of us on here who love you and will be devestated if you do anything to harm yourself.
Think of your parents, they LOVE you, so much. They need you to stick around.
Think of your nan, and how much she'll hurt if you leave. She could've given up her fight too but she didn't, because she knows how much it would hurt you if she gave up.
Think of S. He might not want to see the harm you do to yourself but he'd rather you were HERE at all.
Please go to a hospital and tell them how much you need help, before it's too late.
PLEASE, I'm begging you <3
 
Lots of stress but nothing else. I STILL want to cut. I probably will to be honest. I know this isn't a journal and probably isn't helpful in general but I feel like I need to vent and be honest... with no one else to go to.....
 
i feel so fucking worthless at the moment :( i dont even know where to start right now...

my life is suppose to be only just beginning but it feels like its falling apart!

ive finally finished school, i couldnt wait to finish and now that i have i dont know where to go or what to do, ive applied for numerous jobs, i have a job at the moment but its not offering me the hours that i need and its McDonalds so as you can imagine its starting to piss me off just a little and its becoming a hassle!

waking up in the morning and getting out of bed is becoming such a chore, i have zero motivation and i think its all just due to the fact that im impatient and have to wait until i recieve a letter to see if ive been accepted into the course i want to do next year and whether im going to pass my drivers licence next wednesday and if i fail, all hell will break lose and i will feel even worse.

im sick of draggin my SO down with me, he doesnt deserve to hear me whinge all the time and the only time i feel on top of the world is when im with him and even sometimes when im with him im still worried about everything thats happening in my life and stressing me out.. i dont want to lose him.

my parents are moving to another state and im moving in with my nan which is fine by me... but while im still with my parents they are giving me so much shit about it...i was suppose to be moving in this sunday and im not for another two weeks now..its just stressing me out to the max!!

the only reason im stayin in sydney is because of my boyfriend otherwise id be off to live in coffs harbour at my dads house no worries, no regrets, no one to miss (as of the fact that when i finished school i stopped talking to all of my friends on purpose because they treated me like dirt anyways) so now i just feel like i have nothing going for me :(

people can say oh but look at you your so pretty, or ohh u know where ur going you have goals...but its just reaching those goals thats so hard...and dont even get me started on the money issue :(

i dont care if anyone reads this, or replies, or if its in the wrong thread because this is just the first one i came across because i dont want it to get to the point that i start to harm myself again because i know in my head that it would be pointless and not achieve anything. ARGH!

that should be the end of my rant :( i jst wanted my SO to come cuddle me to sleep tonight but hes not :( damn it
 
SKBTCH said:
i feel so fucking worthless at the moment :( i dont even know where to start right now...

my life is suppose to be only just beginning but it feels like its falling apart!

ive finally finished school, i couldnt wait to finish and now that i have i dont know where to go or what to do, ive applied for numerous jobs, i have a job at the moment but its not offering me the hours that i need and its McDonalds so as you can imagine its starting to piss me off just a little and its becoming a hassle!

waking up in the morning and getting out of bed is becoming such a chore, i have zero motivation and i think its all just due to the fact that im impatient and have to wait until i recieve a letter to see if ive been accepted into the course i want to do next year and whether im going to pass my drivers licence next wednesday and if i fail, all hell will break lose and i will feel even worse.

im sick of draggin my SO down with me, he doesnt deserve to hear me whinge all the time and the only time i feel on top of the world is when im with him and even sometimes when im with him im still worried about everything thats happening in my life and stressing me out.. i dont want to lose him.

my parents are moving to another state and im moving in with my nan which is fine by me... but while im still with my parents they are giving me so much shit about it...i was suppose to be moving in this sunday and im not for another two weeks now..its just stressing me out to the max!!

the only reason im stayin in sydney is because of my boyfriend otherwise id be off to live in coffs harbour at my dads house no worries, no regrets, no one to miss (as of the fact that when i finished school i stopped talking to all of my friends on purpose because they treated me like dirt anyways) so now i just feel like i have nothing going for me :(

people can say oh but look at you your so pretty, or ohh u know where ur going you have goals...but its just reaching those goals thats so hard...and dont even get me started on the money issue :(

i dont care if anyone reads this, or replies, or if its in the wrong thread because this is just the first one i came across because i dont want it to get to the point that i start to harm myself again because i know in my head that it would be pointless and not achieve anything. ARGH!

that should be the end of my rant :( i jst wanted my SO to come cuddle me to sleep tonight but hes not :( damn it
Click to expand...

Oh honey I'm sorry! I didn't see this until now :(
I'll come on msn to chat sometime today if you're going to be on??
I know exactly how it feels to be totally overwhelmed by life. Sometimes things just come in big waves that totally crush you. But it all goes around in cycles and without wanting to sound too much more cliched, you just have to take one day at a time and everything will work out for the best.
<3
 
Pillthrill said:
I bought razor blades...hopefully don't scar to bad....
I always have to go see S. Hes too busy. He doesn' the time. Why can't he just come here and hold me. Or maybe he has done it twice and thats enough for him.
And then he leaves for x-break, who says he will remember me at all.

This slice, this blood is a little for you...you hurt me and I don't know what else to do. Pop what little pills I have that won't show on a drug screen and can afford and drink and pray to never wake up....




Sorry journal...
Click to expand...

PT please try not to cut yourself. You know how much you'll regret the scars.
You can do other forms of self harm that aren't as invasive, but still release the endorphins you're craving.
I wish I could help you or give you a hug but I can't :(
 
thanks heaps n3o...i feel a little better today.. i woke up at about 6am went to the toilet and went back to bed, same thing at 7.30am then at about 9am i woke up and couldnt be bothered to anything the zero motivation had kicked in and i didnt want to see the world... but i decided i should because i had a driving lesson so at 10am i finally got out of bed lol FINALLY! and went for my driving lesson and that brightened my mood so much, i feel great now and confident that next week ill pass my test :)(i hope) but hmm now im at home and dont know what to cook for lunch.

i was reading in another thread that a guy posted and i felt i could relate to when he said "he needs to constantly be doing something or his mind starts to wander and he thinks about things that only make him upset, the negative things in life" totally relates to me..i cant wait until i get a job and start tafe so im so flat out that sitting at home relaxing...is relaxing and isnt just BORING!

theres nothing on television today, damn golf!
 
I cut sort of deeply last night while drunk in the shower. It felt great at the time... I feel so retarded now.

It seems ok because I don't have to deal with it in same way as if it were a season where I didn't always wear sleeves. Thank god is Winter. :\ I guess. I feel like cutting is rare for me at my current condition so I'm glad I don't have to think about it a lot... at the same time I wonder why I'm still doing this to myself. Its been so long... I feel so much more mature... but at the same time I feel so ridiculous for my need to cut. I hope nobody notices. To be realistic its only so much time til my boyfriend asks about the bandages... ugh I suck.
 
so this 'happy' feeling didnt last very long today...i should just go to sleep and wake up for shitty work at 5am tomorrow morning which is holding me back from having any sort of life on a friday night..im so close to doing something ill regret, i dont want to disappoint my boyfriend, i dont want him to think im depressed or crazy, i just want a life :( a life that doesnt just revolve around him because i have nothing else at the moment, dont get me wrong i love him to death but im so scared that if i dont find shit to do im going to drive him insane and away from me.

damn it... i dont want to feel like this i try so hard to just BE happy and to smile but lately i cant do that... i just want a life, i want a part-time job that i rarely have to work on weekends with, i want something that will give me something to do rather than sitting at home pondering on negative thoughts of boredom. what happened to my life... its probably because ive finished school now and am looking for my way in the world, but sure as hell people arent feeling as shit as i am about it... i need a new job :( something that excites me... i need to stop depending on my boyfriend as my only source of entertainment..

i hope he doesnt see this and think im a psycho..because as much as i try to explain to him im ok im just miserable because i have no life at the moment and when i get a job that occupies my time and get my licence to take myself places so then i will have a life, i still think that he thinks ive lost the plot.

fuck! i cant wait to find a job and get my licence and move out and reaally begin my life, those will be the 'happy' days, until then, i just hope i dont push him away!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top