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Cutting v. 2

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Hi...I've never checked out "the dark side" before, but I was feeling pretty dark so I thought I'd peruse.

I was a "cutter" for about 4 years on and off, but got help for it last October/November when I did a cross-track program for addiction and self-injury. I actually got worse after it, but it was because I started using heroin and was just in this really terrible place constantly and using up to 2 gs a day and taking benzos. The benzos were what really did me in...I was lose time with them and wake up to new cuts along my arm. I finally did to much and overdosed and got sent to a 30 day. New Years Eve, the night I overdosed, was the last time I cut until a few days ago. It was the benzos again...I'd been clean off the dope for awhile, but started stealing xanax and klonopin from my mom and before I knew it, I was back in that place. I just did some superficial cuts but it stilled scared me because I thought I was over that.

If anyone needs to talk, I'm online all the time and I would love to chat with you.
 
I used to do this. I wish I had thought about it at the time more carefully. My left arm is riddled in scars and I have one across the left side of my chest as well. They look horrible and I am always aware of them.
I still want to do it, but I know it will look nasty.
There's a lot going on in my head, exceptional amounts. I am a deep thinker.
Who doesn't have issues though right?
 
Reizo said:
I used to do this. I wish I had thought about it at the time more carefully. My left arm is riddled in scars and I have one across the left side of my chest as well. They look horrible and I am always aware of them.
I still want to do it, but I know it will look nasty.
There's a lot going on in my head, exceptional amounts. I am a deep thinker.
Who doesn't have issues though right?
Click to expand...

Similar case here.

I get the urge to do it fairly often, but i haven't bought a pack of razors recently, and using more drugs kinda lessens the urge.
However, the way my chest looks, doesn't even put me off it....i'm thinking about buying a pack (my last 4 have been confiscated by my friend...when he see's them, he takes them).
 
xxkcxx said:
Hi...I've never checked out "the dark side" before, but I was feeling pretty dark so I thought I'd peruse.

I was a "cutter" for about 4 years on and off, but got help for it last October/November when I did a cross-track program for addiction and self-injury. I actually got worse after it, but it was because I started using heroin and was just in this really terrible place constantly and using up to 2 gs a day and taking benzos. The benzos were what really did me in...I was lose time with them and wake up to new cuts along my arm. I finally did to much and overdosed and got sent to a 30 day. New Years Eve, the night I overdosed, was the last time I cut until a few days ago. It was the benzos again...I'd been clean off the dope for awhile, but started stealing xanax and klonopin from my mom and before I knew it, I was back in that place. I just did some superficial cuts but it stilled scared me because I thought I was over that.

If anyone needs to talk, I'm online all the time and I would love to chat with you.
Click to expand...

Hi, and welcome to The Dark Side :)

Cutting is like any other addiction, sometimes people relapse. So you shouldn't beat yourself up about cutting again.

But, you have quit before, you have come clean from numerous things before, so I hope this shows you that you can (and will!) do it again.

You made it a year without cutting, try and make it for longer this time :)

<3
 
i've been calling around to see a shrink soon. i've never been really honest with a shrink before. this has made it so i havent been able to "get better". i'm going to try to be honest this time.

however i was wondering if i should be honest about my cutting? the reason i havent been honest before is because i've always been scared of being sent away to a mental hospital because this happened to me when i was younger(when i was 15 i said something to my mom that made her think i wanted to kill myself and so i ended up in a mental hospital). can a psychiatrist force me to go to an inpatient mental hospital if i admit that i cut myself? i'm 19 now.

also, i'm wondering if i should be honest about my drug use. i was addicted to opiates and i finally quit, but i'm still craving them like crazy and i'm still doing other drugs every chance i get. anyways i'm worried about telling my new psychiatrist because i dont want to be labeled as a drug addict, and not get medication that i need.

thanks for any help :)
 
marlborogirl, it is my opinion that you should be honest with your psychiatrist.

But others will say the opposite, so you should use your own judgement and decide what the best thing to do is.

I have been honest with my psychiatrist about the cutting, but not about the drugs. It's not that I don't want to tell him about my drug use, but it's just never come up in conversation! If he asked, I would definitely tell the truth.

Good luck hun <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
marlborogirl, it is my opinion that you should be honest with your psychiatrist.

But others will say the opposite, so you should use your own judgement and decide what the best thing to do is.

I have been honest with my psychiatrist about the cutting, but not about the drugs. It's not that I don't want to tell him about my drug use, but it's just never come up in conversation! If he asked, I would definitely tell the truth.

Good luck hun <3
Click to expand...

I used to think that as well.

Then, i told the psych i'm currently seeing about my Bulimia (as well as everything else of course). Her opinion on it is that it is extremely dangerous, and her duty of care meant that she was strongly pushing me to either allow her, or to tell my parents about it.

I know she can't...but it scared the shit out of me, I wanted her to help, not make things worse for me.

Kinda lost my faith in psych's for a while after that, i don't really want to go or feel like they help at all anymore.
 
noreason41 said:
I used to think that as well.

Then, i told the psych i'm currently seeing about my Bulimia (as well as everything else of course). Her opinion on it is that it is extremely dangerous, and her duty of care meant that she was strongly pushing me to either allow her, or to tell my parents about it.

I know she can't...but it scared the shit out of me, I wanted her to help, not make things worse for me.

Kinda lost my faith in psych's for a while after that, i don't really want to go or feel like they help at all anymore.
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's why I've waited so long to see a psych, before I was 18, they would tell my parents stuff that I said "for my own safety." It really made me not trust psychiatrists and therapists. Maybe you should change psych's?
 
Yep, I was 19 when I first saw a psych for serious reasons, e.g. bulimia and cutting, so I never felt inhibited to tell the truth about everything. And it's never caused any issues of mistrust. I might just be lucky that I've had psychs that are more understanding and sensitive than others?
(I first saw a psych when I was 11 because I was being bullied and getting depressed, but it was all lost on me, I was too young to understand how it could help me)

Best of luck marlborogirl and noreason. Let us know how you're both getting on <3
 
No PT, I've tried every way possible. It still scars.

Just don't do it hun, fight the urges.
 
Pillthrill said:
Is there a way to cut, and leave the least amount of scarring. Like using a scalpel or razor blade and then really taking care of it after??
Click to expand...

I will say that I have scars that are not very noticeable (except for the cigarette burns). They have faded a lot over the years, as I can remember the times when I looked at them and wanted to cut just because I was so disgusted by what I did to myself and how I deformed my body. But I think the reason mine have faded so much is that I my skin is like olive-y, but also very light at the same time. The scars kinda blend in. When I go tanning or get a tan, they become more noticeable as they stay pinky/purple and I...don't.
 
I too have a long history of cutting. I would cut when my mind was so fucked up I could not think anymore, or when the thoughts in my head were swirling around so fast I could not understand what they were, I would cut when I was hurting deep inside, I would cut when my wife would run off on a drug binge without me...

One thing I did find that really helped was to use ice instead. My psychiatrist gave me this idea. She realized that I was going to do something to cause pain, because sometimes it was that pain that was the only thing that felt real, the only thing that felt good (and, oh my god, sometimes drawing that scalpel blade across my arm would be an almost euphoric feeling). What I would do is every morning fill a few glass cups up with water and put them in the freezer. Then, when I needed to cut, instead I would grab a cup and hold it in my hands tightly until the outside of the ice started to melt and the ice fell out of the cup. Then I would pick up the ice cube, place it in my hand and close my hand on it tightly, and hold that hand with my other hand. Yes, that caused pain, especially if you have cold sensitivity. If my hands got numb, I would take the ice and press it against my forearm. These all hurt just as much as cutting, I found, but in a better way almost. And after wards there were no scars to worry about, there was not risk of infection or anything, so I was not really doing real physical harm, just creating and enjoying the pain. It worked well for me when I needed.

Of course, sometimes I still do slip back into cutting.
 
no ur not pathetic pillthrill - ur very brave in fact with all ur head is tormenting u with atm
im glad that someone was there to take away the lighter
 
My life is fucked, Ive got so many problems from being disabled with a neurological illness following a drug overdose, having to live witha rare uncommon illness that no one can fix, losing my independence due to disability, losing all my friends after becoming disabled, constantly overheating severely everyday due to brain damage, muscle and joint detereoration, severe chronic pain, unable to get out of the house much due to medical complications, inability to take or tolerate any recreational drugs due to a chemical sensitivity as result of the neurological damage meaning I have to face life's pain sober, losing my girlfriend, losing my job, losing my goals, losing my passion after becoming ill, being condemned to spend life alone and yet I have difficulty understanding cutting, if someones lifes already so painfuly messed up beyond rock bottom like mine I instictively try to avoid further pain, hurt and complications so how would cutting be a solution for someone like me ? would it just make me feel better?

Sure it sounds appealing, and the thoughts crossed my mind after reading this thread but to me it seems like if I started then thats just one more burden I have to worry about like hiding my scars and feeling even more damaged then I already am, when your plates as full as mine cutting just seems like a added problem rather than a cure ?
 
if cutting sounds like an added burden, then ur right - it wud b an added burden
uve got enough shit in ur life as it is
from wat i gather, cutting is very hard to stop once u start
so whether this thread has made u curious or not, i suggest u dont
maybe read the pain ppl r in (emotionally) thru trying to stop and think about that - let it b a deterrent
neither of us can understand the thrill cos weve never done it - and neither of us shud therefore start!
 
Unlucky said:
Sure it sounds appealing, and the thoughts crossed my mind after reading this thread but to me it seems like if I started then thats just one more burden I have to worry about like hiding my scars and feeling even more damaged then I already am, when your plates as full as mine cutting just seems like a added problem rather than a cure ?
Click to expand...

Cutting is not a solution nor a cure to anything. It is an outlet through which one can physically release emotional pain. It is a symptom of underlying psychological issues and that person's inability to cope with these problems in a "normal" healthy way. It also comes about from a person's self-destructive tendancy.

For me, it was not a concious decision to start cutting myself. I just DID IT one day, before I had ever read anything about it. I didn't know that it had a name (i.e. "cutting", "self-harm", "self-injury" etc) and I didn't know that other people cut themselves as well. All I thought was that I had invented a way for me to vent my anger, sadness, frustration etc.

If you have the choice of starting cutting, or not starting cutting, then choose NOT to. If you're needing an outlet for your pain and suffering, choose something more constructive. Cutting only makes a person feel "better" very temporarily, because it releases endorphins from the brain but they diminish pretty soon after the event. Then you have the shame and guilt over the scars you have created. It is not an effective way of dealing with your emotions. It can also be very addictive (your brain and body get addicted to the endorphin rush caused by cutting) so once you start you might have a lot of trouble stopping.
 
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