Most of the crazier stuff I done in my life was on antipsychotics. They completely get rid of my ability care or have any self awareness so I can practically do anything without realizing the consequences of my actions. Never really helped my anger kinda causes a paradidoxal reaction because of the akathisia I also abuse drugs more because of the anhedonia.
I fucked myself so badly because of that shit, thats why I lost all my friends.
Strangely enough, I was on Abilify for like 2 days in 2014. I was just about to punch the shit out of a $12,000 batch printer at work. I was angry enough to literally kill someone. I did punch a box of plastic spice sachets that had not been printed on. I got away with that, but if I'd hit the printer I'd have ended up without a job...
Well, I don't work there anyway as of July 2024 because they wanted someone's hand up my arse the whole time I'm working there, they wanted full disability funding for full-time support, which I told them I was not going to give them because the disability service is never going to approve of that. This was after a meltdown caused by a fight with a friend who wanted to use me for fucking weed. I told him that I wasn't going to be a part of that, and we're no longer "friends". It's funny how things and people change. You lose things. You lose things. You keep losing things. You just keep losing things.
Sometimes, I can't wait for this life to be over. I can reminisce over the good things and know that I won't be suffering any further.
Anti-psychotics...I'm not sure which ones really work. My guess is none of them will work, and if I am ever foolish enough to start on them, I'll probably be dead a lot sooner than anticipated. Especially if my hearing gets worse, and I know it will on that shit.
Pretty much, most drugs affect me in a not-so-nice way. Yes, I'm a good candidate for a laboratory study, a full-blown, full-spec lab study. But no one seems interested.
If something works nicely for me, it's only very, oh so very temporary, and then the bad shit starts happening. It's like there is no way out of this. I am rarely able to cry for some strange reason, even if I am in excruciating pain. I'm also impervious to pain. Also, another funny thing is I do have the occasional urge to cry after a big meal, especially something like pizza, if I have something terribly upsetting on my mind. One example was what happened to those 150+ schoolgirls at that Iranian school. I'd been told what had happened, and later, while eating a pizza, I was suddenly in God-awful mental pain and struggling to hold back, and that was some of the worst pain I've ever felt.
I still feel bad about it. I think I'm going to get worse, despite wishing and longing to feel better. I want to get better, and I'm trying, but shit keeps happening that keeps pushing me back so many squares that I'm not even at square 1...more like square minus 10.