now I gotta know... what happened???
and im not sending or receiving nothing it was that one time, until the next time of course lol...but I know people here that get norks and OCs but ive only been using once a month if that, not even honestly..i get high but my tolerance is still high somewhat high and I don't enjoy it..maybe its the norks but its not a good high to me..i don't nod off norks and that's what I wanted the last 2-3x I did them and so its just like ehhhh..maybe ill feel the ame once I get dope, I don't know. it would be the greatest thing ever if that happened..to score some dope and do it and not like it, I would prolly cry. happy tears cause I beat the sickness but tears of sadness cause its like losing an old girlfriend, one you love and at one point pictured yourself with forever only to spend sometime apart and realize you still love her but not in the marrying way..maybe a one night fling everynow and then, shit even a weekend together but after that you are good. that love isn't there anymore and youre ok with it. so you don't go search her out, you just wait for her to come around again, whenever that may be and who knows the next time you see her you don't even fuck and your able to just hang out and be friends, not lovers.
and I know Im not really missing anything but I do miss it...as shitty as it sounds being a user is really fun for a while, I loved the whole process of waking up and copping. how ypu can wake up sick and then the sickness goes away and you get almost a little high as soon as you get a hold of your ppl and they tell you to come down,that euphoria of FUCK YES! cause you know your bout to have your dope. how when you get there and they are taking forever you start to get sick again and need to shit your pants and then when they show up it all goes away and you start to get excited and ive even kinda screamd cause i was so excited like AHHHHHH. then the ride home youre just so happy with the music blaring dippin in and out of traffic cruising only to slow down cause you know where the speed trap is. then you get home and youre so pumped you might have a hard time opening the bag and maybe dry heave a little cause your so excited and once you do that smell hits you and its bliss and you jknow the fun is about t begin..and as weird as it might sound I loved being sick and then getting high, and the worse sick the better. especially that feeling once that shit hits your nose and how that tension releases and you get that warm feeling and your stomach settles..when snorting it doesn't come one as quick (obviously)..so when youre sick you just feel it all wash away gradualy over a minute or 2, so your snort itand sit back and just feel it creep slowly.
now of course its not all fun and games..i know I was a little more fortunate then a lot of people who end up using for years cause I have a great family but they don't know to this day that I was using heroin, I mean maybe they do but to them it was pills and they had no idea how bad I really was, but I was fortunate more so that all my money was able to be spent on dope, aside from the phone bill and like sometimes gas( cause my uncle had duis and didn't drive so I had t take him everywhere) and little food f, that was about all my bills..i didn't have to pay rent, or like utilities cause I was stayin with my uncle and that shit was all set up and paid for by his family for him(it was his money but he was so fucked he couldnt pay bills on time)..so it was the 2 fuckups of the family and I feel like they liked knowing that I was there to keep an eye on him but he was a crack head/alcoholic and I was the closet heroin addict, he had money and he always treated me like his kid since I was young and he had none. so my money was no good to him for the most part..now that im clean I look back and think what a bum/scumbag, I didn't have a job cause I didn't need one, I had enough money to get high when I wanted and the other little things so who wouldn't want to live like that, especially when your in using? really it only made I worse cause I didn't really have to hide what I was doing even though I did for the most part, the few times he caught me snorting shit I told him it was OCs and he wanted to try it.
it wasn't always peachy, we got into it a few times and I had to flex him, that's how I ended up getting locked up, he swings on me and I beat him up and he calls the cops and he did some super shady shit to me after that but whatever it was prolly what I needed at that time, I couldn't see myself getting out from under that black cloud that heroin is and when I got locked up it was alomost a relief in a way cause I didn't have to go and tell my family how fucked up I was and that I needed help and just spill the beans about everything, I was able to take care of it myself and it wansnt no bullshit 30-60day program..it was 9months and now its been over a year, actually 14months to be exact and I know some of you would have got out and got high right away and I would have too but as soon as I got out of jail, my sister picked me up and we came straight here. so even though I didn't quit willingly, I knew once I got locked up and saw the charges that I was gonna be there a while causae I had t fight the trumped up charges(you know how they do), so I knew it was was gonna be minute that i was locked up for and I just realized it was a blessing in disguise and was ok with it..i especially in that jail where I was, I mean I was able to get on hulu and like espn and E and cnn and wgn and even vibes website and even though it was $.10/min we found a glitch that made it possible to watch hulu and go on the websites for free as long s you stayed under 10mins and then we found another glitch in the phone system that allowed up to get free money on our phone account for the price of a $3 phone call (internet and shit was hooked up to your phone account).. plus they had a tablet that had a glitch and you could get to llive365 and livemixtapes on that..im not trying to glorify jail cause I was in jail lake county which is where people from gary and the NWI goes to, so it could have been bad but its all how you carry yourself and I dunno I had an easy time and that helped a lot cause it was a little slice of the outside that really helped the process
imgonna use again and when I do I wont be sad that I just blew a year+ of being sober, im gonna be just as excited as if the first time, if not more cause I was kinda scared the first time not knowing what to expect..im not going to be sad cause I feel like mentally im not in that dope,dope,dope mindset...I feel like I can go back to just using everynow and then and not let it control me, I feel right now that if I just use once or twice I might get it out of my system(8)..i know that's what everyone says and I know it can take over my life again if I got in that habit but I don't want that anymore, for the longest time that's what I wanted. I wanted to just use dope and be selfish and now I really don't want to be like that, cause it isn't fun. I was just depressed and maskin it with dope and then that just makes you more depressed so you use more and then your stuck in a hole. cause im not dumb, I knew what was wrong, I knew i was depressed I just didn't know how to fix it so to make me happy I used and that really the bottom line..and I didn't start dope cause I was depressed and tryin to mask something, I was just looking for something stronger to keep the party going. but seeing how far I got and how I let it control me when I said it wouldn't is what made me depressed and then when It was like fuck it, I know the only thing that makes me feel normal and that was dope...im not in that place no more
