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Bluelight Singles thread "Living without justification" Part 2

drEaMtiMe*@# said:
yeah and people also fuck up when they over analyse and think too much too.
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Ah but whole point is that you don't really analyse anything!

The very essence of my original post was that if you take the time to understand how the whole process works now, there's actually less analysis, complication and stress down the line when you're playing the dating game.

The whole point of 'Win first, then fight' is to steer yourself away from those situations where you don't play it cool, and you're stressing and over analysing and fretting and trying to decipher mixed signals, because the other person will pick up on that and it'll turn them off.

People have used words like 'rules', 'complicated' and 'over analysis' to describe what Addikal and I have been saying. But I think it's actually the reverse. It's taking the time to understand the process now.. so that it never becomes something you worry over later. And in not worrying about it and appearing so cool and collected, you're actually making yourself more attractive to the other party anyway.
 
It's interesting to me that this thread has so much traffic....obviously, relationships are an important thing to people.

What I wonder though, is what are your reasons for wanting a relationship in the first place? I've had one that lasted nearly 5 years, and to be honest, I don't want another one. I've been given occasion to think about this lately (and if you really wanna know, check out the livejournal in my sig, I can't be arsed writing it all over again) and I've decided that I want to be single. I'm scared of being someone's partner.

To me, being in a relationship means a loss of identity, of individuality. It's not good for my self-esteem. And the older I get, the more I become concrete in that resolution. I'm not bitter about it at all...I still hold a lot of respect for my ex, he's an amazing person in some ways...but I don't like who I was when I was with him. I wasn't my own person, I was his partner. And for me, that isn't healthy. Does anybody else feel this way? Is it normal to want to be alone, or are we supposed to spend our lives looking for that magical "other", even if it's not good for us?

Why is it that we're supposed to want or need someone else to make us complete?
 
Originally posted by Raz
To me, being in a relationship means a loss of identity, of individuality. It's not good for my self-esteem.

Why is it that we're supposed to want or need someone else to make us complete?


I, with my typically co-dependant personality, am quite the opposite. When I'm single I often feel like I'm floundering or stagnating or lost. When in a relationship I feel like I have more stability and having the support network means I can actually focus on doing things that I don't think I could acheive without a partner.

I'd say I'm definitely unhealthy but there's not a hell of a lot I can do to change that at this point in time. Being in love for me means a comfort level in life which can't be reached when facing it on my own.
 
I don't really feel like i need a partner. Probably because i'm a mum and i'm already looking after someone maybe? I'm all good with being single but would still like someone to share my life with. But that's just it... i want someone to fit into my life and not have to fit into someone else's.

I'm also sick to death of meeting new people and thinking "hmmm wonder if he/she would make a good partner and if we would suit each other" when i have told myself that "i'm not looking"

I've also told myself that i'm over FB relationships and having casual sex because i want more substance and emotional involvement now and then i go and have sex with a gym instructor that i knew for a few hrs :\ (which is kinda like a bad cliched 80's flick or something isn't it? the whole gym instructor thing.. )

Makes me feel like a slut :(

But moreso i'm angry that i feel like one because i'm female and i have no problem dis- attaching emotion from sex and just like sex and just want to have sex sometimes without having to be in a relationship (even though it would be nice but only with the right person - because i'm not settling anymore because i deserve better then that)

While guys can go off and have random sex with as many women as they want and it's all good because they are just getting off and 'its just sex' and don't say that after reading this post you don't judge me as a slut now (well alot of you will anyway) - and don't bother with the 'oh its different now, women can be sexually powerful and independant and it's ok and men can be sluts now" because even in todays society it's still thought of but it's just not PC anymore so it's like thought but not said kinda thing.

or is that just my paranoia with my own sexual activity and my own feelings as to how *I* i think a woman should be like and because i'm not that i feel bad?

fuck i dunno hey, i'm so confused today :\ *sigh*

ps - i'm getting FAR too open on this forum. I never know who i know that might be reading this 8( and can't believe i just posted that. 8o
 
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Sorry.

This thread has been way over analyzed.

Maybe the reason the majority here are single is because they spend way to much time trying to think “how to establish” a relationship instead of simply being impulsive and living for the moment. Stop thinking for a few seconds and act own your own impulses, trust me, desire is a power tool.

Every individual is different. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, physical being. You cannot have one methodology to creating a relationship that will work with everyone. Be individual, be yourself. Let be what will be.

Goodluck single space cadets. Let the love be with you.

Sheesh.

shals :D

For a thread that is meant to be “living without justification” theres a sure hell of a lot of justifying in here.
 
Originally posted by Macksta
The very essence of my original post was that if you take the time to understand how the whole process works now, there's actually less analysis, complication and stress down the line when you're playing the dating game.


yes so aren't you saying that you've already analysed everything, figured it out, and drawn a conclusion? if you are my point is that when it comes to love (especially) and attraction, i really dont think that many of us/any have the intellectual capacity to be able understand the complexity of this whole process. i truly think that defining things like 'love' from a *purely* logical/intellectual bases is an impossibility...

and i do agree with your 'win first, fight later' theory, as far as that means staying positive because you have belief in yourself and thus have the courage to fight your battles and emerge successful :)
 
You know, all the game bullshit is fucking shit.

ITS FUCKING SHIT.

Ive met someone and its working so fucking well, because we were both completely HONEST with each other about each other from the beginning, no games. IT FUCKING RULES.

I think being honest and not playing bullshit games, is really underfuckingrated...

You know, if u feel the other person likes you back, go with it, dont play around wondering and aahing, just go with it, it can take you places if you get out of the mindframe of the player...its worked for me.

The end

:)
 
doofqueen said:

But moreso i'm angry that i feel like one because i'm female and i have no problem dis- attaching emotion from sex and just like sex and just want to have sex sometimes without having to be in a relationship (even though it would be nice but only with the right person - because i'm not settling anymore because i deserve better then that)
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i agree!!!
it sucks that this has to be such a stereotypically male trait.
and it doesn't mean all sex is meaningless- obviously it's all about how much the other person really means to you.

=)
 
Dreamtime: I think love is above all the games. When TWO people love each other then there is no real game playing, love overrides logic easily.
Taliana, straight up honesty is great... if you KNOW the person already like you. If you are lucky enough to find someone who you click with, whom you really like and whom you know likes you back then you've found something special. The reality is, this very rarely happens. If everyone stopped playing the games then straight up honesty would work but the problem is, the games will always be played. As i keep saying we all play them unconsciously anyway so i'd prefer to know what the hell is going on.

It's really a personal choice. I'm not advocating everyone start seeing it all as a game, go with what you feels right. I just have a strong urge to always know HOW things happen. Not 'why', but 'how'. Knowing the process behind something enables you to create your desired results.

Anyway.. Good to hear you found someone Tali :) I'm happy for ya!

Adikkal
 
bwahaha! this thread has been so serious with all these philosophical discussions and then you come out with that. gold keystroke! edit: rah! keystroke! now i just look like a tool!!

im kind of in the middle of the game playing stage but i know that if i bite the bullet and forcefully go for it that it will only be to my detriment as he is a very private and fiercely independent person. and i really like him =D
 
I just want a relationship for one reason, so I can get a root when I come home from the pub.....



*re-posted, I editted it out cause I wasn't sure about it, but I am sure it's the truth*
 
Gave the girlie that picture tonight. (posted about 6 pages ago or so..)

She was taken aback, amazed then kissed me for along time.

She said it was the best gift she has ever gotten.

Then we had beer, talked about astral travelling then realised both of us like pumpkin soup but hate pumpkins.

She is super cool and I am super happy.

I didnt mention the secret message on the inside of it behind the photo-frame backing. One day she will find that out of the blue :)
 
raverchik said:
^ I agree with your first paragraphy entirely.

Love/relationships are complicated enough without analysising everything and making it even more complicated.
If you like someone ask them out and see what happens, if not, then dont.

:)
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doing that takes balls, and alas, there are people like me who seem to lack them when push comes to shove.

Rejection hurts unless you've become well used to it and are capable of shrugging it off.

Or maybe I just have strange expectations of people and myself.

Stupid mind
 
I am so grateful for the years of retail sales and promotions I have done...

I am that used to approaching people and getting rejected in such a wide variety of ways it has really taken the sting out of it when it happens in my own private time in clubs and such.

I remember what it was like back when I didnt have this layer of rejection scar-tissue.

Fragile.
 
So really, it comes down to experience. You realise that rejection isn't really that bad, it's more the fear of rejection that is worse. It's a hard stage to get through, but definitely one worth getting through Focusing on the rejection just turns your attention to the negative - Focus on what you *should* do to get her. Things become alot easier. It won't happen quickly, but you'll sense gradual changes in your attitude.

I almost felt MORE confident after getting rejected. There was this feeling of 'hey, that wasn't really that bad'. It sounds wrong.. but confident apathy is a good attitude to have. You don't really care about the outcome of the situation, more the learning experience that it holds.

.........

I really have to stop posting in here. But goddammit, i always have so much to say! Haha

Adikkal
 
Originally posted by Shnouzerpuff
Then we had beer, talked about astral travelling then realised both of us like pumpkin soup but hate pumpkins.


seriously, i have not met a single person thus far that does not like pumpkin soup. it's the best :D

congrats man. you seem a very talented graphic artist :)

oh and re: the rejection stuff. i talked about that a couple pages back :p
:( :)
 
<3

Ok folks, it looks as if I'm flying out of this thread [even though I don't post in it ;)] and heading straight into the arms of Mr. Duckboy.

Wish me luck on my new adventures, won't you?
And don't be alarmed by the massive grin permenantly plastered on my face. :D
24.gif
 
Adikkal said:
So really, it comes down to experience. You realise that rejection isn't really that bad, it's more the fear of rejection that is worse.
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I agree that this is true in situations where you are going for someone you don't know - a hot chick/guy in a bar or club. They don't know you so if they are rejecting you they probably have their own reasons such as already being in a relationship, or not wanting a relationship or maybe they're just not attracted to you.
But, if you get the guts to ask out someone who's been your friend for a while, who knows you fairly well and whom you REALLY care about as a person for their little quirks, and not just as a nice body and face ... then rejection itself hurts. You've thought about being in a relationship with this person, and they were always happy and sweet thoughts that made you smile. And then, they say no and you realize this won't ever happen (or you become deluded and start stalking them etc). That hurts. Their reasons for rejecting you feel so much more personal - you're a nice person, you're alright looking, you get along so well ... or so you thought... how come they don't want this???
Of course, they still most likely reject you out of personal reasons - " it's not you it's them " - but you're not so rational about it all because the feelings are much deeper than when you are picking up a random person in a bar.
But, precisely because the feelings are deeper and mean much more, is why you should let the person know. Obviously that's a bad idea if you know they are dating someone, or that they are really not looking for a realtionship, but if there's a chance they may be interested then you should go for it. If it doesn't turn out well, it will hurt and your friendship may be a little awkward for a while, but in the end, after the sadness, you'll feel better about YOURSELF because you had the courage to take that step.
 
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