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Bluelight Singles thread "Living without justification" Part 2

Re: Macksta

no, i think what your saying and how you applied it makes a lot of sense. to me what Ching Ning Chu seems to be talking about is the concept of 'positive visualisation'. many people say that it works however just as many people have trouble achieving that state. i know that i've always had a lot of trouble with it. i think in life its essential to try and keep your heart and your mind at balance with eachother, for only when they are, the picture of the world will become clearer, and thus increase your ability to see what the right course of action in any given situation is. of course at the same time personally i find achieving the balance which i just described near impossible. still, i do believe that it is (somehow) possible, and heck its also true that often the hardest things in life are the most worth while...

acting what you dont feel is hard and i think that it's a pitty that the whole showing interest thing works the way that Macksta pointed out. and i can relate, the last guy that i dated was very intense in the beginning and it automatically made me hesitant and wary of him. it's funny cause it seems that we people will never be satisfied. i mean we have trouble accepting when someone shows interest in us, yet if they dont and we have interested in them, it'll drive us crazy... go figure, eh.

anyway, the one thing that i had a little trouble digesting is the whole "reciprocating interest (very sparingly) works the best, and never ever make the first “I’m interested” move, but always be sure to make the last…"- in that, if each of you thinks i cant be the one who makes the first move, then how the hell are you gonna get moving :)

no, okay, basically i agree with the whole keeping it cool idea, but not in the traditional sense, for example in my own little delusional world ;) keeping it cool does not necessarily mean 'the absence of feelings', feelings are good, it just simply means having a higher form of awareness which allows you to balance out your (as i mentioned before) head and heart. therefore, "technically" and definitely ideologically for me atm the way which you show your interest in another should hence forth be more appropriate for the situation, and thus achieve more desirable results.

as a general rule i think its always best to try and remain calm in any given situation cos it hardly ever all turns out how it first seemed.
 
Macksta THAT is the shit i'm talking about! It's all so true.

It's time to face it people, attraction, fondness, love are all psychological processes. This means there is method and reason behind why these things happen. The way i see it is there is really two options

a) you do nothing, remain ignorant to the nature of these processes and simply wait for chance and circumstance to deliver a good partner
or
b) you learn about how these processes work and apply it to your own advantage.

Option A lends itself to more emotional extremes and gives an idealistic and poetic view of the world. Things can be beautiful but they can also be dreadful. Option A also is the impetus for a whole host of awesome songs/artwork etc.

Option B is the pragmatic, scientific way. It acknowledges that the ideals of attraction and love are not such lofty concepts but can be explained and created. It is possible to transition from A to B and B to A. Going from B to A usually occurs when one falls in love, and the subjective experience of love clouds the logic of B... using logic to persuade someone in love of their situations futility is like speaking in a different language.

I had been A for all my life, early this year, I chose option B. It's too important part of life to leave it all to chance and i feel like i could be missing out on a whole load of opportunities. Macksta made a really good post and the essential message of it is that in the initial stages of attraction, you HAVE to keep your emotions under control. If you don't, you will make mistakes and showing that you really like this person, you will give all the power to them and drive them away.

I think about my past and realise that the times where girls have been MOST attracted to me is when i was not heavily emotionally into them. The reason for this is that when you don't place too much importance on them you display all the right characteristics to trigger attraction. They get the vibe that you like them through body language and your actions but you always leave that question mark. At a party you spend a bit of time with them periodically throughout the nite but keep moving and talking to other people, guys and girls. You demonstrate you have a life outside of them and it raises your status.

The old analogy to fishing is really pretty accurate. With attention/interest you give a little, take it away, give a little bit more, take it away. By making everytime you spend with them great but not spending much time with them, you leave them wanting more and in effect they will chase YOU, not the other way round.

It's all a power balance. We are all playing games unconsciously anyway, you might aswell know the rules and play more effectively.

Once again, good post Macksta

Adikkal
 
She admitted to using and losing guys. Wow, I'm impressed. I've never met a girl who actually admitted to that, though I know some who do.

In other words, another girl, another disappointment. But at least this one didn't leave me in suspense.
 
I'm single by choice. I don't have to be single, I choose to be single.

I've been seeing this Irish girl on and off but to be honest, I'm really happy with where I'm at... and I'm not one of these people "who needs" to be in a relationship.

I can be kind of surreal sometimes. It's a nice option to have. I like my freedom, especially of late. I enjoy playing the field a bit.

I admit, I'm a player.

Why settle when your not content with that person? I want to be with someone who means everything to me, not a half hearted love affair!

shals :D
 
I wish I could be like you shals.

I am so incredibly co dependant its not funny, I suppose at least I'm aware of it now its the first step to getting over it.
 
wait! there's more...

Originally posted by Macksta
Don’t ask a girl out, wait for her to ask you to ask her out. It *can* work like that.


"Don't ask a girl out, wait for HER to ASK you to ASK her out." man that's confusing.

i say ask her out! =D initiative is good (if well balanced), girls do like a guy to show some initiative, and just because you asked her out doesn't have to mean much more, yet...

people's problems most often are that they one, get to far ahead of themselves, and two, are scared of rejection. both of these things contribute considerably to inhibiting their actions and hence the way that they show interest and how its perceived by others.

so basically i think the best way to fix this problem is to try and live in the 'now' and to attempt to believe in yourself more so you wont fear rejection so much. if you manage to realise both these things i believe that its pretty safe to say that the way you show interest in another will be appreciated much more often.
 
macksta and adikkal, you both make good points and your views/theories are probably true to an extent, but i really couldn't be bothered pursuing love like it's a game of skill rather than chance, even if this is exactly what it is.

i guess i'm just a sucker for fairytales but i'd hate to meet somebody who interested me immensely and have a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me to not get engaged in conversation with them too enthusiastically otherwise in the long term they possibly won't like me. it all seems a bit too much like a bad teen movie from the 80's where the geek tries to score with the cheerleader by following some guide to love he found under his older and much cooler brother's bed.

while the scientific data may prove otherwise, to me it seems more logical to let the person know you're interested, to an extent of course, to promote the possibility of a long term relationship. to me, crunching numbers to find love seems a lot like the starting blocks for the brave new world i really don't want to be a part of. yeah, i'll probably die alone, but then, we all do anyway right?
 
^ I agree with your first paragraphy entirely.

Love/relationships are complicated enough without analysising everything and making it even more complicated.
If you like someone ask them out and see what happens, if not, then dont.

:)
 
im soo glad i have looked at this thread today - its been sooo funny and very uplifting to see other singles sharing the same ups and downs i am going through lately :-)ive just rejoined the singles scene two weeks ago and trying to get back to the stage where im "happy with my own company" and being single - this has definitely helped :-)
 
hmmm....i think I will just stick around for a bit longer. for my own sanity at least. <3 to Adikkal and Macksta for being smart cute boys
 
I'm with Silvia on this one. kinda think you all with your theories are taking it too far. I'm more for the upfront approach, I just really don't see the point in turning it all into a game - people's feelings are at stake - if someone did it to me and ever admitted they had strategies I'd get so pissed off. That's why I want flags. Yes or no is so much easier and saves so much time!!
 
hey guys you miss me
i'm back and at this point in time i really need a big group hug as i'm hurting really bad
 
*crawls through hazardous jungle that is the last 60 pages of this thread*

cheesus. There sure seem to be a lot of single people on the internet. who woulda thunk it. This thread has grown faster than mould on an overripe banana!
 
The thing is, we're not 'turning it into a game'. It already is a game and it is being played ALL the time whether we recognise it or not. Essentially, it comes down to having greater control over what happens with your life. Instead of sitting, hoping and waiting it becomes, recognising a goal and working out how to achieve it.

I do agree that it takes away from alot of the mystique and ideals of love/relationships. It's like a magic trick. Ever watched those shows where they show you HOW the trick is done and after you know, it seems much less impressive? It's similar to what we are talking about.

The trick is 'love/attraction'. Most of us enjoy the illusion and almost don't want to know how it happens because it demystifies the process and it becomes less 'magic'. But by continuing to enjoy the illusion you will continue to be fooled and be led on. Some people actually enjoy this. They enjoy the emotions involved and all the drama it brings into your life.

Silvia - i hear what your saying and i guess the way i look at it is - i'm pretty fussy and it's going to be hard for me to find a girl i genuinely want to be in a long term relationship with so i'm not going to leave it up to chance and circumstance hoping that she'll fall in my lap. No, i want to be able to go through some sort of culling process, meeting alot of women and enjoying their company until i find one that i really want to be with.

Basically, have fun until i find that right girl. I'm not the type of person to settle for someone just cos she's available.

Hope that clarifies

Adikkal
 
brilliant macksta and adikkal

ok so theres this girl ur chasing, you put ur strategies in place as said before. this girl falls for you in a big way.
would you then become a less interested now because she is the one chasing you now? probably. i think thats wat i usually do,
and the cycle continues
 
Last edited:
Adikkal said:
The thing is, we're not 'turning it into a game'. It already is a game and it is being played ALL the time whether we recognise it or not. Essentially, it comes down to having greater control over what happens with your life. Instead of sitting, hoping and waiting it becomes, recognising a goal and working out how to achieve it.

I do agree that it takes away from alot of the mystique and ideals of love/relationships. It's like a magic trick. Ever watched those shows where they show you HOW the trick is done and after you know, it seems much less impressive? It's similar to what we are talking about.

The trick is 'love/attraction'. Most of us enjoy the illusion and almost don't want to know how it happens because it demystifies the process and it becomes less 'magic'. But by continuing to enjoy the illusion you will continue to be fooled and be led on. Some people actually enjoy this. They enjoy the emotions involved and all the drama it brings into your life.

Silvia - i hear what your saying and i guess the way i look at it is - i'm pretty fussy and it's going to be hard for me to find a girl i genuinely want to be in a long term relationship with so i'm not going to leave it up to chance and circumstance hoping that she'll fall in my lap. No, i want to be able to go through some sort of culling process, meeting alot of women and enjoying their company until i find one that i really want to be with.

Basically, have fun until i find that right girl. I'm not the type of person to settle for someone just cos she's available.

Hope that clarifies

Adikkal
Click to expand...

This is by far the best thing that I have ever read in BL. I agree whole heartedly (although last night was arguing against it with macksta ;) )

People fuck up when they think that love is something like some mystical force that draws two unknown people together.
 
yeah and people also fuck up when they over analyse and think too much too.

also with what you said about people being wrong if they think that love is some mystical force drawing two people together, i dont know what i think exactly cos i haven't ever properly sat down and thought about it, but i do know that upon reading your statement i instantly couldn't fully agree with it for one reason, and that being that: if it's not the case... then why in all this time has no one been able to truly define love?

perhaps they haven't found a suitable formula yet? but there also could be more to it then that... who knows? i dont, but it's enough to make me question, that there may be something more to it then just animalistic urges, explainable by scientific responses.

dont get me wrong i do see as i've already mentioned a lot of sense in what macksta and adikkal are saying and i agree to some extent, but i cant whole heartedly agree because i'm striving for a slightly better balance between the heart and the mind.


i'm idealistic yes; and i am a romantic yes; and maybe this will be my downfall, but i'm hoping that it wont :\
 
I agree with elements of what Macksta and Addikal have been saying, but also elements of what Silvia Saint and Dreamtime have been saying...


I agree that you can't just sit back, fall in love with someone, and act on every impulse you have or wait for it all to work out happily ever after.

The main problem with this attitude is this is fine for ONE person....[yourself] but the thing with relationships [as differing from merely having a crush or loving someone] is that two people are involved, which throws a spanner in the works, as suddenly, your actions, now have reactions, which aren't always those you'd have to your actions or theirs? Lost me yet? ;)

I believe, like Dreamtime, that there are "forces" if you will that draw people together, whether you choose to label them as fate, attraction, chemistry...I think there is something more than just pure selection based on your own choice, which forces some unlikely or for that matter, likely couples, together.

I also believe however that once in some kind of relationship with this person, whether it has reached the stage of love, or you are still friends, a certain element of consciousness and control and "game playing" needs to be entered into, simply because you can't just do anything you want when their is another person involved who can misinterpret your actions...etc. etc.

I believe in following your feelings and instincts as much as humanly possible, but I also recognise that I don't do this a lot of the time, as I allow for others reactions...but I guess I also contextualise this and think there's different degrees of necessity. For instance - if I was feeling depressed and needy and my [imaginary] boyfriend was finishing work at 12 and starting work at 9 the next morning, my instinct would still be to ring him and make him come over after work even though he would be tired as shit. But in a relationship, I recognise the need that it isn't just about my needs...um well I would hope i would ;)

Whereas - pretending I didn't like someone, or going so far as to flirt with someone else to make someone jealous (ie not being true to my feelings) I would find unacceptable.

Sorry about this incredibly lengthy reply :\ I hope it makes sense
 
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