its a long one but hey im still under the influence so i dont know wtf is going on
shal u almost killed this thread... it was no 52 0n my list

ok here's the update
as some of u kno i have fallen for a very close friend and have had feelings for her for years, last time i told her things fukt up and i was an immature little boy.
well after a little wake-up "chalk" whick turned out to be 5 times stronget that the usual chalk i use and hence caused me to go hypo for over an hour... i saw her online and since atm all my feelings and thoughts have beem so intense i told her after a bit of chit chat.
she was speachless most of the time, but commenting on certain things like "you shouldnt be sorry" etc....
after an hour of me getting half the stuff on my chest off she has now gone to sleep and we will soon have a proper talk, not through msn. as i said to a friend just a sec ago "My life Begins or Ends now"...as in the rest of my life begins now.. i kept her up half an hour past the original time she planned on going to sleep.
what will hapen between us i dont know, so long as she is in my life some way or another. all i really want is for her to be happy, if thats with some1 else then so be it. its just that of all the things in my life where 2 voices are talking in my head, this one has 3 and they are all praying that us being together will happen. (if we do end up together then i am thinking marrige in case u were wondering, thats how serious i am)
she is a close family friend who is from the latin church community (like me) and her family and ours have a relationship like as if she were my cuzin. she has changed my life, and i now realise how stoopid some of my actions were which i did just to fit in (i.e. lieing to a girl at schoolies saying that i was not a virgin, only so that i may lose my virinity to her (that was very shit sex and i highly regret it, since then i pass on every oppertunity for sex, regardless of who it is and how attracted i am to then, the only time i have gone ahead i was way to drunk/other to get it up)
what is now bothering me is what will happen. we shal soon talk, and i have no clue what will happen, and as much as i do car i kinda an pretending to myself that it wont affect me that much. many of you prob wouldnt have the closest clue as to how i feel about her, but my feelings are strong.
so does any1 have any ideas in wtf i should do now? i mean seriously here people, please dont stuff around with me.
(this is going in SLM too)
-dee