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Mental Health Bluelight self harm support thread

I've been free of self harm for over a decade (I'm 26), but I still bear the scars.

<SNIP>

They're more prominent than the selfie side of a cameraphone shows in that pic (a number are keloid which you can't see in that pic) but they do fade. They'll be with me forever now though they wont get any better, and for a long time I had a lot of hang ups about what how females would react to them if I wanted them as a partner. I've come to terms with it now though. I'm sure they scare off a lot of potential partners, but if they do then they weren't the person for me anyway so it doesn't matter.

Have felt like self-harming a couple of times recently but for some reason my mind continues to recognise the futility of the exercise in the long term, despite the fact it can't do the same with drugs.
 
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tried hanging myself the other day then in a rage i started slashing at my arms for no reason not done that in years then on Friday i got a set of pins to try taking my life with this is getting to the point of no return it really is this time
 
i just haven't been ia atable state of mind, my whoe seems like on a downward cycle
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
I've been free of self harm for over a decade (I'm 26), but I still bear the scars.
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im 26 also, and i have a scar on my arm from about 10 years ago when i heated up a lighter and burnt myself with it. i hate it. i feel pain in my arm as soon as i wake up in the morning and when its really cold. i have been to a skin specialist and they couldnt find a cause for the pain (the went over it with this scanner) and said i was just imagining it. i would like to get it removed but that would probably leave a bigger scar and i dont know if its possible, am i just stuck with this thing on my arm forever and having to take painkillers because my arm hurts so bad that will probably give me a stomach ulcer too. other suggestions have been a tattoo but i dont even like tats, its about the size of an australian 5 cent coin.
 
some burn starts wont ever realy go away i have ones from like 14 years ago that are still pretty visable
 
spork said:
Bio-Oil is something else that might work to fade the scar after the wound is healed.
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YESSSS. Thank you for saying this. It's like the best god damn thing ever. The healing is so rapid, I applied it to wounds that still had stitches my faith in it is so strong. I would post before/afters and treated/untreated scars if I could because the difference is amazing. I haven't tried everything but I don't feel the need to dabble in other shit.

Everyone who cuts should know of and own bio-oil!

It looks good it smells good (not perfume-y just delightful) it's light and not gunky and it stays on for hours (visibly)!
 
I've had luck with cocoa butter fading scars. As glitter_kiss said burn scars may never go away. I have one on my arm that is from 8 years ago. It has faded, but is still a visible scar. Stopping by a tattoo shop and asking if they can tattoo over it is a good idea. That is my plan eventually l. I used to be embarrassed about all of the scars, but I now view them has a reminder I made it through some of the darkest times of my life. Its been a 1 year and 5 months since I've self harmed (after 10 years of self harming) and its been by far the hardest addiction that I fight. But it can be done, with plenty of support. I recommend a therapist or a good friend/family/support group to work on coping skills.
 
I've suffered from major depression disorder for 8 years due to the worst childhood experience and used to cut a lot. I never actually stopped cutting but I'd been through times when it was a pretty rare thing up until fairly recently. I met this girl through a friend and we've become the best of friends, I'm always so happy around her. My mental health support workers have told me she could possibly make things so much better for me. She's so supportive it's unreal. When I met her, her ex boyfriend was in prison, he is such a fucking waste, he's a bad person and I'm not even just saying that because he is my new friend's ex, majority of people I know think the same thing. So my friend and this guy broke up when he went to prison, he went for about a year and I met her about 6 months after this, she'd mentioned him and talked about him like she knew she'd made such a big mistake by been with him and often laughed about it. So he came out of prison not very long ago and they'd been talking a bit. I was going through a really bad time with other stuff I had on my mind and I was SO depressed and had been cutting a bit but I'd promised her that I wouldn't attempt suicide (I've had many attempts in the past). We take MDMA sometimes (before anyone makes the point: I've done so much research and asked a lot of doctors/mental health workers and I know the limits of what I can take without it majorly effecting my depression. And also I'd like to make it clear that I don't take drugs because I'm depressed) and obviously you'll know the whole 'euphoria, I love everything and everyone' if you've taken MD before. When we take MD we talk about a lot of stuff on our minds and I mentioned to her that I was scared that if she gets back together with prison boy then she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with me and that night she promised me that she wasn't going to get back together with him and they are just friends which is absolutely fine by me. That was about 2 months ago and there's been other stuff since that's majorly been getting me down an made me cut which she knows about. But last week she was supposed to be going out for a drink with her friend but she rung me saying 'I'm on the train home now, would you be able to come and meet me because I really need you'. Obviously I knew something was up but I didn't have a clue, I met her and asked what was wrong and she said 'I didn't tell you because you'd be pissed off with me but me and Tom was getting back together (Tom is prison boy's name, idec about him being anonymous anymore because he's a piece of fucking scum anyway) and some girl has ruined it tonight'. That moment I felt absolutely broken and crushed and I don't even know how to describe it. I calmed her down a bit and walked her home, I pretended that it didn't bother me because he was really upset. That night I felt so bad about everything because I promised her that no matter how bad I was feeling that I wouldn't try and kill myself and she promised me she wouldn't get back with tom and it kind of felt that her relationship with tom was prioritised higher than my life and it's not like it was the end of the world that she was trying to get back with him, it was the fact that she didn't tell me at all, as far as I was aware they where friends. It'd been 9 days since last relapse but I cut myself so much that night. I laid up bed literally all night thinking about suicide. I didn't see her for a week as she was busy doing stuff with other friends that week which was fair enough but when I did see her I told her how it made me feel and she was so upset and I told her about how suicidal I'd been feeling and she apologised for not telling me because she didn't know how I'd react and she said she'd start telling me everything. So upto this point I believed they weren't getting together anymore because this other girl had ruined it but every time I've been with her she's always been texting him. Today is Sunday. Yesterday I'd found out from snapchat that he'd slept at her house on Friday and last night they went out to clubs for her birthday and got really smashed (I'm not old enough to go out and drink and I wasn't even aware she was going out this weekend, I thought we was going to do something really nice because I couldn't go out round town) so I'm now just waiting to hear about what they got up to. It's not the fact that it's been getting me really depressed because depression is an illness I have to live with, it's the fact that I've started cutting so much again and I don't want to have to live with that. Cutting isn't a illness, it's an addiction and a bad habit. I'm fairly new to blue light and I've decided to post this full personal story because from the looks of it there seems to be more useful support on here than I'm getting at the moment. I'd love it if someone could just give me some ideas on where to go from here because I'm just really scared that cutting is going to become a big thing for me again and I really don't have a clue what to do:(
 
Sprout, I am so sorry. Do you know what triggered it? I never got better until I stopped hiding the scars. That was my first step: facing my own embarrassment to myself. Take care. I have a weird idea that cutting or other forms of self-harm is your true self trying to speak in a language the outside self--the falsely constructed self--cannot understand. Sometimes when people don't get heard they start to scream.
 
Hello all,

I never knew this side of BL existed. But it's funny how you find things at the perfect moment sometimes. I just need to get this off my chest...

Growing up, I'm 25 now, I never understood the whole cutting, or burning "thing". At the time of my high school years was when 'emo' kids were a thing and it was almost a fashion trend to cut yourself. Anyway, it wasn't until recently, as in the last couple weeks really, that I began hurting myself. I'm just about 60 days sober (mainly heroin addict) with the devil-naltrexone implant in me for almost a month. Let's just say June was NOT a good month to give up dope. Well, maybe good isn't the right word. June wasn't an ideal month. I guess stereotypical story of losing everything (to keep it short), except the (sometimes VERY OVERBEARING) love and support of my mother. Which I don't take for granted.

But anyway back to the point... maybe it's best if I just share an entry from my journal. I am leaving it whole, as I've initially written it to keep it in context. Sorry if it comes off as offensive.

"July 23rd, 2015: Yesterday I put a cigarette out completely on my arm. I've intentionally burned myself with a couple before in the weeks prior but yesterday I went all the way. And to be honest, I'm a little afraid. I was jonesin' really bad at the time and the burning sensation gave me a rush almost identical to dope. It obviously didn't last as long, but it's weird the relief and satisfaction I got from it. And I've always made fun of the 'emo cutters'. I guess they were on to something... But I don't want to be a 'self-mutilator'. It just looks like I want attention. I don't at all. All I really want is my dope back. I miss her. This life I'm living now isn't mine. I don't care what people say. The person I am now and on my way to becoming isn't me. I want to die a junkie."

After typing that I think there's more than just wanting to use again. I'm very lonely, depressed, angry etc... but don't want to go to anyone personally cuz I feel like a basket-case that everyone is tired of hearing this shit from. So, that's why I'm reaching out here. Even if no one responds, it was nice to let it out to the world.

Thanks.
 
Niko290 said:
Hello all,

I never knew this side of BL existed. But it's funny how you find things at the perfect moment sometimes. I just need to get this off my chest...

Growing up, I'm 25 now, I never understood the whole cutting, or burning "thing". At the time of my high school years was when 'emo' kids were a thing and it was almost a fashion trend to cut yourself. Anyway, it wasn't until recently, as in the last couple weeks really, that I began hurting myself. I'm just about 60 days sober (mainly heroin addict) with the devil-naltrexone implant in me for almost a month. Let's just say June was NOT a good month to give up dope. Well, maybe good isn't the right word. June wasn't an ideal month. I guess stereotypical story of losing everything (to keep it short), except the (sometimes VERY OVERBEARING) love and support of my mother. Which I don't take for granted.

But anyway back to the point... maybe it's best if I just share an entry from my journal. I am leaving it whole, as I've initially written it to keep it in context. Sorry if it comes off as offensive.

"July 23rd, 2015: Yesterday I put a cigarette out completely on my arm. I've intentionally burned myself with a couple before in the weeks prior but yesterday I went all the way. And to be honest, I'm a little afraid. I was jonesin' really bad at the time and the burning sensation gave me a rush almost identical to dope. It obviously didn't last as long, but it's weird the relief and satisfaction I got from it. And I've always made fun of the 'emo cutters'. I guess they were on to something... But I don't want to be a 'self-mutilator'. It just looks like I want attention. I don't at all. All I really want is my dope back. I miss her. This life I'm living now isn't mine. I don't care what people say. The person I am now and on my way to becoming isn't me. I want to die a junkie."

After typing that I think there's more than just wanting to use again. I'm very lonely, depressed, angry etc... but don't want to go to anyone personally cuz I feel like a basket-case that everyone is tired of hearing this shit from. So, that's why I'm reaching out here. Even if no one responds, it was nice to let it out to the world.

Thanks.
Click to expand...

Niko, you're very brave in letting this out, thank you for posting here.

I understand all too well about self harm as it was a part of my life for 14 years.

I used to look forward to that instant relief, that breathtaking moment of pain in order just to feel somewhat normal, that feeling of self worth. It does as you say create a feeling of being high without a drug. I used to plan my sessions of self harm and longed for the chance that I could get to act my plans out.

I believe that in a way, it is a cry for help and a form of attention seeking, there is nothing wrong with this, it's just our minds way of expressing a fear to be heard.

After all of these years, I realised that it just wasn't worth it anymore, it was a damn hard ritual to get out of but with determination, I suceeded.

I started off by putting elastic bands around my wrist and flicked them against my skin, it gave the feeling of pain but with none of the scars or significant damage to myself.

You need to realise that you are worth more than self mutilation, you don't need to put yourself through this in order to feel good about yourself. Respect your body and mind and realise that you are worth more than a cigarette burn, worth more than a slashed wrist.

You need a good support network around you that can help you overcome this, unfortunately, I had nobody that I could count on but I urge you to have people around you that care and can drag you through this torturous hell.

See a doctor, open up, lay everything bare. You need every bit of support that you can right now.

I say all this, however, you are only going to want to be helped when your mind is ready, when you just tell yourself, right, this shit has got to stop.

I really do wish you good luck in your struggles with self harm, if you ever want to talk to me, I'm only a PM away hun.

You're one step there with admitting and asking for help from us here.

Be safe and please take care. I'm always here x
 
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