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Mental Health Bluelight self harm support thread

ive self harmed too, twice. this was many years ago and it wasnt because i was angry or anything more of a competition with other people who could inflict the most pain on themselves, as stupid as that sounds.

so i took a razor blade and engraved my name on my arm, it hurt like hell. i remember slicing at my skin repeatedly until i thought it was deep enough to scar. also burnt myself with a lighter, lighted it for about 30 seconds then pushed it into my skin. i vividly remember the pain of that day and i still have the scars from it years later to remind me of how stupid i was.

what i really regret though is not so much the scars but the pain they bring still to this day, especially in the cold. i cant escape it and nothing i really do such as taking pain killers or skin creams really helps, they provide temporary relief but its like its always there, this pain that is a constant reminder of the past.
 
I used to cut. I thought I hid it pretty well but my friends saw it. Now I have some big scars on my thighs. The ones on my arm have been covered by a tattoo sleeve. Can't cover the scars from my wrists though.

I recently got back on a mood stabilizer and I've been thinking of suicide daily. I know it's just getting used to the medicine as that is listed as a short term side effect but I can't help but thinking how much better my husband would be. I have put him through so much hell that I'm really surprised he hasn't left me yet. I know he would be sad but he'd move on. He deserves a better woman than me.
I've been thinking about shooting myself but then I read about the people that failed at that and I just know I would fail. And if I did that I'd wreck my husband's business and Im sure his license woukd get taken away. Maybe not, I don't know for sure.

All I know is that my favorite part of the day is when I'm asleep or high as fuck on opiates. Of course if you met me in real life you'd never know.
 
The worst thing you can do is lie about cutting, once others find out its a worse place for you all. I can understand why you do it and I understand that even when things seem to be going well the urge to cut is still there. It's all to easy to cut then feel better quicker than having to really deal with the thoughts. I hope you are in a better place now. Xx
 
Ive been self harming for 5 years. I stopped for around 6 months but the urges started again. I dont cut too deep cause I dont want to go to hospital or be sectioned again. I cut on legs and stomach so I can hide them from the outside world. Nine months ago I started to take laxatives and make myself sick and I didn't know why but have realised its another form of punishment for myself, ive lost 4 stone so I guess that's something I needed to do anyhow but now it isn't working either. Recently I scratched and burnt my hand with a lighter then poured bleach over it with a kitchen cleaner as it was all I could access at the time, after the pain went I felt better until I realised I had to now hide it and lie to people which I hate..thankfully its healing now so I can take off the long sleeves . I have low self esteem and cant seem to break out of the cycle of self abuse..on the outside I'm just happy bubbly person to everyone and care for others in my job. God I'm waffling now and sat in a coffee shop feeling like crap as I sound like a drama queen who doesn't deserve to be in this world when there are people worse off than me. How can I change my self hating feelings.
 
i cut my first real time at 19 or so. was a little intoxicated and did one cut, wasn't much and then the next split my forearm open. kinda bad. never told anybody at the time and left quite a huge scar for people to ask about. i did it again last night except i was sober. i also did my upper thigh so i don't have to deal with peoples questions...i know its not good but it honestly helped calmed me...sorry for the banter
 
bettyboo said:
Ive been self harming for 5 years. I stopped for around 6 months but the urges started again. I dont cut too deep cause I dont want to go to hospital or be sectioned again. I cut on legs and stomach so I can hide them from the outside world. Nine months ago I started to take laxatives and make myself sick and I didn't know why but have realised its another form of punishment for myself, ive lost 4 stone so I guess that's something I needed to do anyhow but now it isn't working either. Recently I scratched and burnt my hand with a lighter then poured bleach over it with a kitchen cleaner as it was all I could access at the time, after the pain went I felt better until I realised I had to now hide it and lie to people which I hate..thankfully its healing now so I can take off the long sleeves . I have low self esteem and cant seem to break out of the cycle of self abuse..on the outside I'm just happy bubbly person to everyone and care for others in my job. God I'm waffling now and sat in a coffee shop feeling like crap as I sound like a drama queen who doesn't deserve to be in this world when there are people worse off than me. How can I change my self hating feelings.
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Hey Bettyboo, I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to this. Have you tried therapy at all? Self hatred, especially when it gets all tangled up with self-harm can be really tricky to understand let alone change without some outside perspective. Having to put a happy face on all the time and hiding all the pain from those you come in contact with adds to the isolation then the isolation refuels the self-hatred and it is a terrible vicious cycle. If you have access to a therapist I would give it a try--it's embarrassing at first but a good one will put you at ease. You need some place with no judgment.<3
 
self harm releases endorphins in your brain, yes? so does excercise. I propose that anyone who is thinking about harming themselves should try exercise instead, push ups, jogging, whatever you want. I reckon it should give a similar "rush", and rather than leaving wounds you will no doubt try to hide or feel embarrassed about you will be improving yourself.

it's a win-win situation !

=)
 
Hey, all. It's a rainy day here: the gardens are drinking it in happily.
I started self-injuring when I was 14 and I am now 35, about to turn 36. I thought that it would always be something that I did privately, for the rest of my life. For the last ten years or so, I've injured exclusively on my legs, so long pants hide the scars. I never wear shorts. I don't consider that to be optional. I've tried to work on this with my therapist, primarily in the sense of emotional regulation and lengthening the period of time between the impulse/urge and the action so that I can re-assess and potentially make a different choice. It's difficult.

Now I have a new partner and she feels very strongly about my self-injury. She has broken down weeping when we've just been talking about it and I feel super badly about the way that it affects her. She has seen my legs and the damage there and she tells me that it breaks her heart. I have to stop. So, I've made a commitment to myself and shared it with my therapist, that I am going to stop self-injuring. This is really hard. The last time I felt the urge strongly was around a month and a half ago. I used whatever coping skills I was able to whip out in the throes of it, and essentially emotionally muscled through the experience. I felt proud of myself. The problem I found was that the urge subsided for the most part, but that voice in my head that was telling me that I needed to enact that ritual in order to be okay again didn't go away. It followed me around for a week and a half before the urge subsided entirely. I know that this is just because it's such a deeply ingrained behavioral pattern; after so many years, I wasn't surprised. Still, it was really hard to cope with. But in the end, I came out of the other side and I feel balanced and well presently, though that will likely change.

My partner and I don't live together yet, it's a long distance relationship. We Skype everyday at least once. She is coming to visit in July and I am super excited. But she is going to move here in October and hopefully we'll have the chance to live together for a bit before we both build tiny houses to live in. I co-exist with BPD so relationships - I'm not so good at them. I'm worried that once we are in person and we have a conflict, which is inevitable in any relationship, that I will be driven to self-injure and hurt and disappoint her tremendously. Which makes me feel terrible and lonely, even just the thought of it. I don't know. I'm stable right now and am lowering some of the doses of my medicines with the help of a psychiatric nurse practitioner so that I'm not so worn out/exhausted all of the time. (I take some sedating meds.)

I just have no idea if this is normal? To be afraid? To do battle with the insane monsters in my head? To feel such profound anxiety about relationships? I'd really welcome any insight and other experiences with self-injury within relationships. Thanks for reading such a long post. Be well, everyone.
 
I am in an interesting situation. I started using IV cocaine about a month ago. At first, it was good. I was posting harm reduction posts trying to figure out how to moderate use. Of course that went downhill faster than anything I’ve ever substance wise.

Nobody taught me how to IV and I tried to learn my best. I always knew I would eventually IV. It’s this weird intersection of my masochistic self harm tendencies both in how dangerous it is to IV cocaine and how fucking bad I am finding veins. The compulsion to use is insane every time I do a shot my brain goes that wasn’t good enough. You didn’t get it all in. Just do one more 11 PM. Turns into 10 AM. My arms are fucked 50 syringes used at least 30 of which couldn’t find anything.

I’m sitting here in my bathtub arms wrapped and gauze. Wonder if I should go back to the ER or check myself into a psychiatric facility I went three days without using. I asked my support people if I could call them if I was gonna buy again and I didn’t just one more ball and then I’ll quit. I’ve said to myself for three weeks

It’s almost not even about the drug and I’m not even mad so bad at it. It checks that box that cutting gives me I haven’t cut in years

. I am also into play piercing in kink way. When I first found this and was topped by an amazing friend. I felt like I found healing from my self harm I was in control. It wasn’t out of desperation despair, or wanting to not be here anymore. It was about connection to my body to my partner.

So when I first IVd it was out of the dark side after a fight with my partner when they didn’t take my SI seriously in that fucked up headspace there was one boundary one way to get back at them. We both said that we would never do it, but I did… I thought maybe it would offer me the same control. I felt with kink, but it was the perfect storm all my shadows self’s worst qualities.

The next day always brings have I hurt myself and irreparably? Loneliness spending so much time by myself, repeating the same hurtful actions chasing something I’ll never get to. Long sleeves in the summer contemplating why it’s like my brain has split in two. animalistic urges never fulfilled my self awareness gone only to return in flurry of shame guilt.

I wish I read and researched like I have with everything else instead of being so compulsive that night I had no idea that Coke with that RoA is probably the most detective thing you can do. Only I had a guide like I did with Kink maybe some of my veins have been spared. Woulda shoulda coulda…

My question is has anybody else had combined substance issues with self harm? How did you deal with that? If you got as far, thank you. Appreciate you all you give me hope and community
 
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