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BL/TDS Self-Harm Support: Thread 4

I'm not a hitter but my son was, and I used to get him to grab his mattress and throw it against the wall and then punch that. It has two advantages:
1) it saves your hands and 2) it muffles the sound and saves the wall (;)). Not only that but wrestling the thing up against the wall is pretty satisfying too, as far as letting off steam.

The source of the steam that needed venting is important to look at now that you vented it. Are you able to do something to give yourself a break or at least lessen your stress? Much love and hope it gets better.<3
 
well i attacked an old bed and furnitre in back garden with a sword hours before,

anxiety, depression then episoddes of rage. ive always been like this but the cycles are more frequent and are getting s carier, i give in im going to get help at last


***Edit im feeling much much better,
 
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Well, I slipped up again. I tried to end my life on Monday night, I don't know what came over me but I just felt like I couldn't fight anymore.

I have since received counseling and am looking into a visit in a psych ward for 2+ weeks to get the help I really need and deserve. I shouldn't have to pretend I'm okay, admitting I'm not was very hard as I tend to be that person who says "I'm fine" when they are in tears and clearly not. I posted it on facebook that I was going to get help and was expecting someone to be rude, instead I've had nothing but love and support and a couple of people even decided they also need to seek help, my courage to share something so intimate gave them the confidence to admit they are not okay either.
 
^I'm glad people were so understanding. It also sounds like you helped others by admitting that you needed help too. Just being able to admit that you're not okay is a big achievement alone. I know it took me years to be able to get to that point. Much vibes of love and strength headed your way <3 <3
 
Just an update, I didn't go into the ward as I had things to get sorted out beforehand, a few superficial issues I wanted to deal with so I didn't need to deal with them later while I was being helped. In the process I met someone amazing who has turned everything on it's head. I've been smiling genuinely for the first time in forever and mum has even mentioned that this could mean I don't need to go in after all and instead keep seeing my social worker :)

Hope everyone is okay :D
 
ughh, after so long i finaly broke down. nothing to deep, but the night is young
 
I know this doesn't really count as "Self" harm, but does anybody let other people cut them? I've been letting this girl scar up my upper arm, just for the hell. She takes in interest in cutting out different shapes and things, so I let her do it to me. I'm not too sure why I let her do it. I like her, so seeing her happy and enjoying herself is a plus, but as for myself I guess I just don't care. I should, but...I don't know. I just enjoy the pain itself. It's a relief in a way. I enjoy looking at the cuts when I'm alone and thinking of that moment when she cut me. Like a reminder of previous events.

I guess it's kinda silly. I don't know, just felt like sharing...didn't think it fit anywhere else so I posted it in here.
 
J.Wallace, I have to agree with stardust. It doesn't sound very healthy that this girl is enjoying hurting YOU. Are you honestly okay with this??


glitter_kiss said:
ughh, after so long i finaly broke down. nothing to deep, but the night is young
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glitter_kiss, how are you doing hun?? I hope you're taking care of yourself <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
J.Wallace, I have to agree with stardust. It doesn't sound very healthy that this girl is enjoying hurting YOU. Are you honestly okay with this??
Click to expand...

It's not hurting me that she enjoys. She's into scarification. She just likes giving people scars. I, unlike her, enjoy the pain it gives, in a way. Ii've never cut myself, honestly, but thinking about it, I might start. I always thought people who cut themselves were doing it for attention, they just wanted people to feel sorry for them. I'm not sure why I'd want to scar up my body...am I just looking for attention to? Fuck.
 
J. Wallace, I think what you've described is definitely a form of self injury. Even though you're not doing it yourself, you allowing her to do this to you is not healthy. I urge you to please not start cutting yourself. It's like an addiction when you start and you don't gain anything from it but some scars that might be embarrassing to have later in your life. It's very difficult to get out of the pattern of self-harm, but if you don't start you won't have to struggle with this. It's been a couple years since I've self-harmed, but I still get pretty strong urges at times. I strongly wish I never did it to begin with. Please learn from my own mistakes and don't start.

If you ever want to talk, I'm just a PM away. Please take care of yourself. <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
J.Wallace, I have to agree with stardust. It doesn't sound very healthy that this girl is enjoying hurting YOU. Are you honestly okay with this??



glitter_kiss, how are you doing hun?? I hope you're taking care of yourself <3
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my life went from bad, to fucked. i just got kicked out a couple days ago so ive been sleeping on the beach. im about to apply for food stamps but im seriously conisdering just jumping of a bridge tonite instead
 
Aw i am so sorry to hear about your situation, Glitter_kiss.
Please, hang in there.
As tough as things are for you right now, there will always be ways to get back on your feet. You just need to stay as strong as you possibly can, strive for change <3 My inbox is open if you feel the need to talk.
 
I was thinking about this the other day:

I used to self harm sometimes, usually instead of cutting (which freaked me out), I would hit myself in the face full force over and over and over, hundreds of times in a row.

But i never broke my jaw or my nose (miracle), but my face is tilted sideways now, it's no longer centered properly.

But I continue to do it anyway, it is most certainly a release of sorts, and it feels amazing.
 
I really think that you should consider checking yourself into a psyche ward. (I'm writing this after responding to what you wrote on the suicide thread as well.)You do not deserve punishment from yourself or anyone else. You deserve understanding. If you still feel like you don't want to do that then can you find something else to hit? A mattress, or something semi-soft that won't hurt your hand?
 
herbavore said:
I really think that you should consider checking yourself into a psyche ward. (I'm writing this after responding to what you wrote on the suicide thread as well.)You do not deserve punishment from yourself or anyone else. You deserve understanding. If you still feel like you don't want to do that then can you find something else to hit? A mattress, or something semi-soft that won't hurt your hand?
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That would probably be the saddest day of my life if I checked myself into the loony bin. I'll wait until at least Wednesday, when I have an appointment with my very trusted psychologist, and see what he says. I showed him a few of the posts from bluelight, so he has a background into what I say, and also what I think.

And I wish it were that easy in terms of just hitting something else, it is hitting myself, either with a fist or not, that lets me release angst. Gah, this is such a terrible problem to have. It is the complete and ultimate failure of a human being.
 
IMO the complete and utter failure of a human being is one that takes their own pain out by brutalizing other beings but I hate to think of you doing it to yourself. I am curious why the psyche ward feels like such a failure to you. I checked myself in on three different occasions to keep myself alive and to stop cutting myself. I was embarrassed about it at the time but at the same time it did keep me safe when I couldn't do that for myself. The only complaint I had was the drugs they made me take that I didn't think I needed but even that was short lived.

I'm really, really glad that you are going to see your psychologist and that you trust her or him.

take care until Wednesday.<3
 
Thanks herb. I have to disagree since to me the primary purpose of a human being is to live and pass on dna. At this point I have no children (and probably never will), and the will to live is pretty much gone. I guess I can let the cards fall for the next few days or so, and sort of cruise through life so to speak. We'll see how it goes. After nearly killing myself accidentally, I know what death feels like and it was similar to a salvia trip where the way you perceive life flashes before you, in ways that simply come to an end, it was freaky, but w.e. And I can't post pictures of injury on here can I?
 
I haven't cut in years. These scars I have are 6 ½ years old. But, I still haven't been brave enough to show them to a girlfriend because I am a little bit afraid of how she would react (fear of rejection). They have faded quite well now, but are of course visible. I have forgiven myself already and I am happy with who I am now.
<snip>(refer to TDS guidelines)

Now that I took this pic I wonder why I am making such a big deal out of it. I use T-shirts in summer when wandering casually, but lately when I have met new people regularly and these two girls, I used long sleeve shirt to cover these scars. My thought has been giving a good first impression and not to scare anybody off. But after couple dates next step is to talk about it I guess, so that while having sex nobody is turned off after seeing them.
 
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