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BL/TDS Self-Harm Support: Thread 4

I have managed to not cut since december even though I have been literally looking for things I can make sharp (all sharp things are hidden when i am psychotic including my cutlery) and I rewarded myself by getting tattoos to cover the scars recently. Today i have really wanted to cut though and was going to go at my leg so i smashed 2 cups instead feel a little better but not great.
 
I may have not cut myself since January but honestly my whole life seems like self harm. Today I've been doing my best to forget about heroin, forget about dosing more methadone and let myself hurt. Maybe I should Quit everything right now, I feel all I deserve is pain and there won't feel like there is anything worse if i went ct. Maybe then I'd have the guts to kill myself. Drugs push me away from death when really I want to be going towards it. I'm so done with everything. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to get high. I don't want anything. I want absolute nothingness. No memory of my life, no nothing.
 
How long have you been on methadone? When nothingness sounds appealing you are just exhausted. You need to find a place inside where you can rest without judgement of yourself. I find it is usually the self recriminations that wear me down to that state. You don't want to care because caring hurts more than it nurtures right now, but that is not a permanent thing. Maybe you have been trying too hard at things that aren't actually in your best interest? When i look back at my own long life I can see how things eventually slid into place once I started accepting who I really was and how I wanted to live. It didn't all happen at once but I'm pretty sure that I can say that was the initial turning point. PM me anytime, OK? I've been there (wanting nothingness) but I'm in a better place now and I can listen.<3

P.S. whenever I see your username I hear the Simon and Garfunkle song which tells you my age!
 
herbavore said:
I always love your creative ways of turning it outward instead of on yourself D2P. You are amazing.<3
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thanks herby it means a lot to me I am doing so well to not cut myself and when you and others praise me, it feels as if all the hard work has paid off. Got my inner fore arm covered now, it has really hidden the scars so I am feeling really happy about that, getting my outer forearm done soon to cover the scars on there, I cannot wait until the sleeve has finished, in between all of my pin ups I am getting roses and lillies to fill it all in, it is going to look awesome <3

And because my arm will be filled with artwork I will no longer want to cut it :)
 
yep, when I came up with the idea i was rather pleased that I don't have to look at ugly scars anymore, I will email you pics of my latest tattoos if you like herb?
 
Oops... After over a year of not cutting I've kinda fell into it again... But is it a bad thing... Really?
Fuck it feels like I'm home; it feels like I've got into a cleansing bath or had a warm hug from an old friend.
I kinda teased myself a few weeks back, a soothing little scratch if you like, I thought it may have been enough but no, it turns out it was a seed, now growing into larger desires... Or maybe it wasn't and I'd have ended up here regardless; who knows?

It's odd;
For the first time in quite some time I've actually been relatively happy, slightly depressed at times (less than usual though) but in general things have been going well and are looking fairly positive; although who can help a depressive slip here and there?
I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I guess I've no one else I can talk to about it without some kind of judgement or lecture.

The sad thing is; I don't feel bad about it, I used to when I cut; but now it feels like a massive weight or nagging pressure lifting from my mind. Although the anxiety of scars being seen has set in, and now I don't really want to go home and have them spotted.
I feel that hiding of emotions is what triggers these urges. I can't take my frustration and anger out on others, each of us have our own ways and vices for dealing; right?

How stupid is this... I don't feel bad for what I do to myself, I'm more worried about the reactions from those around me... Pfft I guess I should stop doing something that makes me feel better for the sake of others who don't understand... Healthy and logical conclusion

Anywho; I don't know what I aim to achieve from this postu. Carry on as you were, nothing to see here :)
 
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Modified said:
I feel that hiding of emotions is what triggers these urges. I can't take my frustration and anger out on others, each of us have our own ways and vices for dealing; right?

How stupid is this... I don't feel bad for what I do to myself, I'm more worried about the reactions from those around me... Pfft I guess I should stop doing something that makes me feel better for the sake of others who don't understand... Healthy and logical conclusion HA!
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I think that is an underlying emotion for a lot of people that self harm. Sometimes it is also a control thing, oddly enough. For me I think it was far more what you said with a little of what I added thrown in!:\

I think that there are so many ways to deal with anger and frustration that don't harm other people but honor our own right to feel at the same time. I also think that it makes sense that people don't understand--it's crazy behavior! I cut myself for years but I felt crazy doing it, even though it was a relief and a release in a way. Looking back on it, I realize that much of it centered around not feeling like I could ever reveal my true self, my true feelings, and still be loved. That makes me wonder about the hiding from your girlfriend and at work, etc. That can't be good.

Have you ever talked to anyone about cutting? A therapist or a counselor of any kind? I get that you feel ambivalent about whether it is actually a problem for you are not, so maybe that is not something you want to do right now. I do think you should ask yourself whether it is worth it to try to keep it from your girlfriend?

Good luck figuring it out. IMO self harm, especially cutting is very complex and convoluted and it can take years to understand what it is to you and how to replace it with getting your emotional needs met more consistently.
 
herbavore said:
I think that is an underlying emotion for a lot of people that self harm. Sometimes it is also a control thing, oddly enough. For me I think it was far more what you said with a little of what I added thrown in!:\

I think that there are so many ways to deal with anger and frustration that don't harm other people but honor our own right to feel at the same time. I also think that it makes sense that people don't understand--it's crazy behavior! I cut myself for years but I felt crazy doing it, even though it was a relief and a release in a way. Looking back on it, I realize that much of it centered around not feeling like I could ever reveal my true self, my true feelings, and still be loved. That makes me wonder about the hiding from your girlfriend and at work, etc. That can't be good.

Have you ever talked to anyone about cutting? A therapist or a counselor of any kind? I get that you feel ambivalent about whether it is actually a problem for you are not, so maybe that is not something you want to do right now. I do think you should ask yourself whether it is worth it to try to keep it from your girlfriend?

Good luck figuring it out. IMO self harm, especially cutting is very complex and convoluted and it can take years to understand what it is to you and how to replace it with getting your emotional needs met more consistently.
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Thank you for the reply.
I spoke to a councillor for a while, but I didn't feel much better and they were kinda condescending; tried to put it down to my relationship with my mother, which is wrong. Although we didn't get on as well when I was younger, its now fantastic relationship that we have and was never actually a reason or cause for it.
When I told my doctor he just kept trying to give me drugs that made me feel worse and unproductive, which just makes me feel more depressed; not the desired outcome and just leads to more cutting and locking myself away.

Looking back on it, I realize that much of it centered around not feeling like I could ever reveal my true self, my true feelings, and still be loved. That makes me wonder about the hiding from your girlfriend and at work, etc. That can't be good.
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That pretty much hits the nail on the head there; I've no one that I can talk to about it, and no one that I can really open up to or feel comfortable approaching on the subject.
 
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I have a whole lotta love for everyone in this thread.<3 I have been a 'cutter' for 6 years. It's been a couple of months now since I seriously cut myself but I struggle with the dermatillomania aspect of it every day this is where I cannot stop picking scabs, spots anything really....

Love to you all, keep on keeping on. <3
 
Im currently in a psychotic episode and the urge to cut is overwhelming. Im trying to distract myself but nothing is working much. I hate feeling this way
 
When Im psychotic they wont just pass. Im getting assessed tomorrow to see if i need to go to hospital so as long as i can keep myself safe tonight maybe i will get some help from the crisis team, make a change because they usually just parcel you straight off to the hospital :/
 
If you feel you're a danger to yourself, by all means get to a hospital now. There's nothing wrong with this. Please, take care of yourself.
 
Im trying to keep myself out due to a really bad experience on the ward last time but if deteriorate tonight i will get myself off up there. Ugh just ugh
 
Im still at home but Im still in a state. Haven't cut yet but i still really want to Im having constant panic attacks and all kinds of stuff my head is trashed. Hope everyone else is well
 
D2p, what about drawing? Can you distract yourself with that? you are such a talented artist. Remember that it is the process of art that is the magic, not the product. Don't worry about the outcome but see if can't lose yourself in the lines? Much love to you.<3
 
Aww thanks herb. I did try but my arm and hand is too bad because it is raining and cold. Tried reading a book but wouldst concentrate my attention span goes to shit when Im in this frame of mind. Thanks for the kind words though <3
 
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