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BL/TDS Self-Harm Support: Thread 4

Doomed2pain,

I've been struggling with a bunch of negative thought looping lately, and though I usually enjoy sketching/painting, have been finding tremendous amounts of psychological relief from journaling - something I really haven't seriously undertaken in quite some time.

I know you've mentioned that you were unable to draw, so writing with pen/pencil might be out, but perhaps you could type out your thoughts? I felt so compelled to share my success with this right now because the results have been so unexpected and astounding! If it helps even one more person, then it will have been a gift rightly passed in.

As an aside - How are you, generally speaking, now?

Take care,

~ Vaya
 
I do write a journal have done for the past 3 years. It helps a bit but when Im in psychosis nothing really helps.

Still not feeling right but i appreciate your message :)
 
I self injured from about 11-17 years old. I'm 21 right now.

I had a horrible thing happen to me last night (see my post in the suicide support thread) and I'm contemplating starting to SI again. It always gave me such a rush of pleasure and relief of pain.
 
DBT is incredible. It did amazing things for me and the techniques I learned really did help to control my self-harming thoughts. Doomed, I hope that you find it's helpful for you as well. <3
 
Doomed2pain said:
And because my arm will be filled with artwork I will no longer want to cut it :)
Click to expand...
I totally get this! I started getting tattoos just because it was something I wanted to do, but now that I have them they are an incentive not to cut, because I like them too much to want to ruin them....it is kind of annoying sometimes because it takes cutting away as an option when that's something I really want to do, but at the same time that's good because it stops me from doing it.

I used to cut all the time, on a daily basis really...and I haven't now for probably years. It's been a really long time, but every now and then I go through a really stressful period and it is always something I turn to sooner or later. I think it's like they say being an alcohoholic is like; you never stop being a cutter, you just learn how to stop cutting. And sometimes you may fuck up and do it again, but that's part of being human. Nobody is perfect, and none of us would do this if on some level it didn't help alleviate something, but you don't need to let it control your life. There is a way up if not always completely out. :)
 
It's been quite some time since I've had thoughts that I'm currently having. I'm trying to just accept them and move on but it's hard as fuck. I know cutting would bring me some relief, but I also know that that sort of relief isn't real. I know I can get through this, but it's fucking difficult. :(
 
^*hugs*

My best friend in all of the world (he's not on BL) has started cutting again. He had to take off work today to deal with his urges to self-harm (he cuts and burns). I could tell he had been up to something, as he's in a bipolar mixed state at present. Just like he knows when I've been drinking even if it's not immediately apparent, I know when he self-harms. I'm at his house to make sure he is OK, because we have a pact that I won't drink to excess and he won't cut or burn. Having a reciprocal support system seems to be very important - for him especially so, as he is divorced with 2 young sons. I'm staying with him tonight and he's staying with me most of the rest of the weekend. He says he wants to be alone for Thanksgiving; I had to overrule that. It also doesn't help that I am in unrequited love with him. :(
 
^Whatever the relationship is or becomes in the future, you are lucky to have each others back like that. How did Thanksgiving go?
 
Managed (somehow) not to cut tonight. I'm proud of myself for not doing it, but I really need to learn to deal with my stress in healthier ways. The urges to cut have been so overwhelming lately and I'm scared that it's only a matter of time before I actually do it. :\
 
Maybe you can bring the strategies that you have been using to the front and center in your mind and then even expand upon them? If you haven't been cutting, what is it that you have used to fight the urges so far? What about developing something that you designate to be what you will do whenever the urge strikes--I have always loved doomedtopain's strategy of cutting up old t-shirts to be used for some kind of project (I forget what). Do you do any kind of work with your hands like knitting or crochet? I find that for me knitting is the most therapeutic thing in the world when I am anxious. It occupies the brain just enough and it occupies the hands as well. When I was cutting, I started leaving out a really complicated jigsaw puzzle at my house because I lived alone. Every time I had the urge I would go work on the puzzle--it did the same thing as knitting in that it occupied my mind and focused it on something outside of my own anxious thoughts. ((<3)) Sporky. Do you think it is the added stress of family time/holidays?
 
Thanks herby. <3 When I'm in that state of mind, I have a *really* hard time remembering to distract myself. I don't knit or crochet but I've been wanting to learn forever (I actually started a thread about it in Second Opinion years ago). I just need to find someone to teach me or have a class start that actually works with my schedule. I've tried teaching myself with books and YouTube videos, but it just doesn't work. I do have mandala coloring books that help calm me, I just need to remember to use them when I need them. Lately I've just been hiding under the blankets in my bed and crying until the feelings pass. I used to take opiates to keep myself from cutting, but that's a road that I obviously don't want to go down again. I'm pretty sure it is just stress that's been triggering me. Most of the stress is school related but there's also holiday stuff and just every day stuff and it pushes me over the edge. I might try to do the puzzle thing too. I used to do them a lot and I kind of miss that.
 
Man I fucking concussed myself.. punched myself then my ex did.. then fell of my bike heh.. Such a fucked up night I'm so glad I only remember segments. The temptation to self harm has been so hard to fight, but have been in front of people so havent till I got drunk and that happened. I never really understood it, but fuck, I get it now.. It really is such a release but feel so bad now.. I couldn't get up on Xmas till so late. Should of gone to doctors but I'd of had to walk there and back and tbh self medication for the fucking win. Codeine + weed + Pagey's idea of having a bath and just chilling out has helped me so much more than going up to the ER on Xmas. Just sucks that it feels like I've completely lost my short term memory, but on the positive my long term memory and visual iimagination are significantly better and enhanced for some reason.. So weird..
 
Have done it again.... got in a bad situation, really was over one measaly beer, now im all cut uses scissors so its not deep but I'm concerned ive done half my body, I'm feeling like keeping on but need a sharper instument... atm the physical pain is sufficient, but im one day off having to go see my kid. I feel so ashamed but the situation of hostility made me feel so bad that well yer ive messed myself up again. Posting this here with the hope someone can relate I'm in a really bad spot atm... Just need to get out of here:(
 
I'm so sorry to hear your frustration. Do you think it is related to the anxiety about seeing your daughter? What else is going on? Hugs, S.M.F.G.<3
 
damn i never knew what a keloid was _-_ but now that i know i think thats what happened to arm when it healed from burning it when i was 16. Still looks pretty fuct 4 years later.... ah, dumb decision..
 
Fucking opiates and benzos won't leave my fucking mind alone..
I don't wanna continue like this, but my anxiety leads me back to benzos every time. Tramadol and tilidine call out my name even more often. It's fucking terrible and I want it to END!!! :( :(

This is my first post in TDS btw, please be gentle. ;)
 
Anxiety is a killer. There should be some other word for it. People who do not experience anxiety tend to think of it as something mild, a vague sense of unease. There are lots of ways to deal with severe anxiety that are non-drug. Mindfulness has been my best experience. I'm too distracted to actually meditate but the philosophy of letting my feelings come rather than trying to contain and repress them or numb them or run from them has made a huge difference in my life. Basically it is a practice of self acceptance. This culture not only never teaches us about self acceptance, it fosters fear and self-loathing. Learning to be in your own skin without the constant voice of self-blame is revolutionary.

The problem with benzos longterm for anxiety is that they end up contributing to making you feel anxious while you are on them and the anxiety when coming off them is horrific. Have you ever tried to find a health care person that is familiar with the Ashton method of benzo tapering?

You can find a lot of supportive people here in TDS that are battling opiate and benzo addictions. Making up your mind to take that first step and actually making a commitment to stop using is the hardest part. After that, a strategy that is best for you is crucial, but no matter what, getting support on a daily basis really helps. When you get to that point, you can always start a thread as sort of a daily check-in for yourself.
Even though this fits into self-harm for sure, a lot of times people use this thread for issues with cutting, etc. so your post may not get the attention it deserves. You could easily copy/paste what you wrote and start a thread if you want.

Best of luck and feel free to PM me anytime.<3
 
Thank you herbavore for the encouraging words. I should've written a reply sooner but I seem to have a hard time getting my feelings down on 'paper'. I've gone through numerous withdrawals but only once was it from benzos. I still use them because I feel like I need them to cope, but never let it get to the point of physical addiction anymore. Around jul-aug I was withdrawing from tramadol, tilidine, and benzos at the same time.

Now it's just the tramadol w/ds that get me every time, and ofcourse my anxiety which leads me to do as little as possible and leave the house as little as possible. A benzo then enables me to do stuff, but it's a mere 'patch' with a lot of drawbacks.. And I know it.. Mindfulness sounds interesting as I've tried meditating many times to no avail. Thank you for that I'm definitely gonna find more info on that.

After posting it I realized it wasn't the right thread but I didn't/don't feel like starting up one of my own just yet. Even that is too much of a commitment for me right now.. Typing this makes me see how stupid it is, but that does not make the feeling any less real.

Thank you

PTC
 
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