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Recovery Back On the Sober Wagon...

^LOL somni @ a moron with balls.=D While I don't have the actual balls, I would say that describes quite a few of my life's choicer moments as well.
 
^^ LOL Always seems to get me situations that border on self harm but keep the spirit of life so very much alive within my heart.. I sold my old car and have begun to run low the on funds so I must make something happen to bridge the gap to the Daytona gig.. probably going to take this job doing sprinkler systems but I kinda feel like a slimeball knowing that I will most likely be dipping after only giving them a weeks work, which would be training. Either that or hustle a few yards to mow and weed eat everyday to earn a little cash. I am proud because I saw a washer and dryer on the side of the road and after a few calls I was able to put together a scrap run of 2 washers, dryer, fridge and a small copper spool, my friend is letting me use his trailer for free. Going to see how much I get on Monday but it will definitely be worth it.

Things are going fairly well. Been smoking a lot of pot and drinking fair amounts but I am trying to cut both out. Bought a bit of kratom, which I sadly believe to be necessary for the next half week of adjustment. Hate to spend from my quickly depleting cash bank but I know it will motivate me to make more cash with a bit of hustle.

I just wanted to thank any and everybody that reads this rambling excuse for a recovery journal and comments back. It really means a lot to know that there are people who empathize and care.

Just found out I wasn't credited with the last phone payment I made and now my service will be cut off today. I can't find the receipt so I will have to return to the store that I bought the phone at and hope they have records. I swear sometimes the small things can eat you alive if you let them...haha but I refuse to let them
win...
 
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Somni you've got a lot of hustle in you! Good for you. I love seeing people that know how to scare up honest cash. My sons were both like that (well, obviously my older son still is). I always bought their clothes and almost everything else for them second-hand and they both inherited the love of a frugal life from me but they also went way past me in terms of inventive ways to scrape together money. For me, my fallback has always been cleaning houses. If all else fails I know I can do that. But I hate working around the chemicals. When my younger son refused to go back to high school he got a job in a drive-through coffee place that was super busy with commuters.He had to be there by 5 am but his shift ended by 10:30 am and even though the job was minimum wage his tips were incredible. He also had time to read when things got slow and taught himself web design. He started making money on the side designing small simple websites for immigrants from Asia and Mexico that had small businesses. My older son has been patching together all sorts of manual labor jobs while he takes classes for various certifications that will help him when he goes back over to Greece to work with the refugees there.

Once I met a kid that lived in his car and had a pizza delivery job. He belonged to my 24 hour gym so he had access to a shower and bathrooms whenever he needed it and got his gas paid for by the pizza place (plus he ate there a lot--not ideal but...hey). He was going to the local community college and he was able to pay for everything for that from his salary and tips. I think people like that are amazing.
 
Just to be clear, this is a fine recovery journal somni. Whatever life brings you, I hope you keep us updated on how you're doing. We're always here if/when you need any support <3
 
I'm glad you're doing well Somni. I'm struggling but I'm not drinking. I went to South Seminole Hospital hoping they'd admit me to psych to detox but they just sent me home with a script for Librium to self-detox but 25mg just doesn't do enough but 50mg hits me like a ton of bricks given its long half life. I have an Ativan script and I'm finding that better suited for me. I get up in the morning feeling ok but by late afternoon/evening I'm back to feeling like ass. Hopefully this won't last much longer. Your trip to the Keys sounds awesome. Hopefully you can tell me about it in person sometime.
 
Good job Somni! :) No matter what- you're moving forward.

Like herbavore- I have admiration for the ability to hustle. I am not good at inventing/creating ways to make money. I'm terrified to steal - not that you did that. I meant I know this guy that's always telling me to steal things. I figure it would be worse ti be sick AND sitting in intake in jail. I've been there - twice. Once for paraphenalia and once for probation viol
 
^^*probation violation And both times were horrible.

I haven't done well upon my return from Florida. Its like that made me worse.

I still want to get better. That hasn't changed. Hope you're well. I think of you often. :) <3
 
Hiii Tenyearsgone!!! How are you doing now? Thanks Herbivore for the kind words. A lot has happened since I last posted. I took a job at an auto body shop, which I worked at for 2 week, when I noticed that a guy I knew had a room for rent in Daytona for $450.. I hadn't even gotten the job at the resort yet but he let me move in with $300. A few days after moving here I got the word that I had the job.

I was very low on money because they hold back a week and I get payed every two weeks but I have been hustling money by giving people rides and cleaning my friends house once a week.

I started the job and they told me I was one of the most personable people with the guests they had ever seen. I got promoted to bounce back commision and I will be concierge in no time. My boss bought me food and comped me 3hrs of work I didn't work.

My relationship with God has grown exponentially. I have been praying with faith, as if what I want has already been given to me, thanking God for what is to come and blessings have been pouring down on me left and right. Everything has fallen into place perfectly. I know without a doubt that God has cleared a path for me.

Love u guyz- Somni
 
Wow!! I don't even know where to start. My roommates tried to set me up in a controlled buy, they tried to plant drugs on me. I got a blackout dui. I was sleeping on the side of the road. My lawyer won the appeal with the DMV. I took another trip to Medellin, Columbia but experienced more of the beautiful city, culture and the surrounding nature this time. Kept my job. Got a promotion. Kicked a habit on a crack house couch. Got back in sober living. Became disillusioned with my job. Prayed.. A new job opc'ing up and down the strip and beach appeared. I'm just enjoying the ride. Life is beautiful. Ready for the chaos to stop...lol...but I feel great!! My mind is clear and I'm ready to face the world bright eyed with open arms.

Love each and everyone of my peeps in the struggle... Somni
 
Thanks Captain Heroin.... Day #6. Starting to come out of the fog. Threw myself back into program and trying to keep the blinders on this time. The rooms in Daytona can be so distracting because they are dominated by all the halfway house clicks and it can seem alot like highschool at times. It's easy for my insecurities to start bubbling up, how skinny I am, what kinda car, job and clothes I have etc... I just have to keep my focus on moving forward and improving my life one day at a time. I'm here for me and no one else. I don't need to project or prove anything to anybody but myself. "Easy does it" and "Some quickly, some slowly". I'm determined to get the life I deserve no matter what.... No matter what.

Luv all my fellow addicts in the struggle. Keep pushing through the hard times to keep the dream alive.
 
End of day 8... Day started well. Got a new night time job starting out bussing at a nice new local mexican restaurant. Looking into going back to school. Bought some CBD gummies at a hooka shop that were def. not CBD. Roommate left for the weekend and I noticed he had posted stupid videos of us singing and acting retarted in the car on Facebook. Made me get very insecure and self conscious. I am just coming back, very private, I don't really like posting pictures on Facebook. I was already feeling alone and wanted to take a kratom extract shot so badly. Stupid thing to stress over but there are a few people I definitely don't want seeing me. Specifically a girl. I run hard now, look like shit and my movements and demeanour are akward...lol.. I'm so fucked in the head. I hate seeing myself. I like looking out at the world through my skull not as others see me... Ugghhh. Wish I could have a drink.
 
Hang in there . If your at day 8 then just think about how bad the WDs were . Use this to steer you in the right direction. There is a reason I believe WDs are hell . I believe its our unconscious spirits way of kinda letting us know don't go back to the dope. It's bad for the spirit . Hope you continue doing good.
 
hikfromstik said:
Hang in there . If your at day 8 then just think about how bad the WDs were . Use this to steer you in the right direction. There is a reason I believe WDs are hell . I believe its our unconscious spirits way of kinda letting us know don't go back to the dope. It's bad for the spirit . Hope you continue doing good.
Click to expand...

Thanks Hik from Stik... I truly appreciate the response. I haven't really had bad withdrawals in years but unfortunately I have used heroin for 20yrs and for the last year I had fallen into a pattern of doing a bag 1 to 3 times a week, which because of my history wreaks havoc on my CNS and endocrine system. I never sleep more than 4hrs a night now, even when I'm clean. I would maybe get 6hrs of broken sleep and this was when I had a yr clean. Plus I never really developed proper sociol and coping skills.

I really think my pattern of use prior to 2015 fucked me up. I was on and off methadone and Xanax for 10yrs. At the end I had a private doc prescribe them both to me and I would run out 1 to 2 weeks early every month so I would be in withdrawal from both every month. This went on for years. During these one to two weeks of every month I would literally get 0hrs of sleep. You can imagine what several yrs of this could do to the brain.... Anyways I'm a fighter.... Time to shower and hit a meeting.
 
Hey Somni nice to see you back here. I'm having one of those withdrawals with wicked insomnia and I'm almost out of Ativan and the remeron and propranolol just aren't cutting it. I was hoping the heavy rain would help lull me to sleep for a bit but no such luck. It is relaxing though. I finally managed to get myself tapered down on 1.5L of wine over the past day or so I didn't wake up wasted, just experiencing some fairly mild withdrawals (they still suck but I've been through a lot lot worse).
 
aihfl said:
Hey Somni nice to see you back here. I'm having one of those withdrawals with wicked insomnia and I'm almost out of Ativan and the remeron and propranolol just aren't cutting it. I was hoping the heavy rain would help lull me to sleep for a bit but no such luck. It is relaxing though. I finally managed to get myself tapered down on 1.5L of wine over the past day or so I didn't wake up wasted, just experiencing some fairly mild withdrawals (they still suck but I've been through a lot lot worse).
Click to expand...

What's up Aihfl? Hope you feel better. Relapsing, rekindling and successive withdrawals really are a bitch. It always gets so much worse because we never have as much leaway to play as we once had. Even moderate use brings the negatives. Wishing you a speedy recovery... Day 10... Went to a morning meditation in a zen garden with sponsor and co. Then got a call to go to detox to speak with a buddy. Saw this cute girl, I know from the rooms.
 
Which detox did you go visit your friend? I'm considering checking myself in. I've been to University Behavioral and they're ok but they're a psych hospital and keep you locked up. Sunrise doesn't take my insurance. I can refill my Ativan in three days so I may just tough it out on my own. If I can manage to take only 1 per day I can stretch my supply out.

A few weeks ago I was so desperate I almost called OPD to Marchman Act me and I would have been taken to that dump on Gore St but it wouldn't have cost me anything. The only thing was because it would have been a Marchman they would have probably discharged me after the mandatory 72 hour hold since they'd want to get someone who's not paying out of there as quickly as they could.
 
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Things change so fast in my life that I never know where to start. Got a couple of serving jobs at fine dining resteraunts on the intercoastal waterway. Got a gym membership and hooked up with old friends cultivated a while new group of friends from the meetings. I take long walks at night along the intercoastal wterway and had a nice meditation in a zen garden. I have had some of my self image problems popping up lately but I have been taking d,l phenylanine and Gaba which helps. Gotta keep keep things moving... Won't stop.... Can't stop...and I like it that way.

Love my bluelight RS in the struggle

-Somni
 
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