Recovery Back On the Sober Wagon...

[Jabberwocky]

Thanks for sharing Somni

While I personally don’t resonate with theistic belief systems, I can totally relate to your sense of being drawn to your current path by something akin to the divine (I like to say how it often feels like the universe is conspiring to support me on my journey, which sounds like essentially the same thing). When things start to work it does tend to feel like that. It can be a problematic belief as it is a very self centered, but sometimes that is what we need. And by the same token it is very helpful in getting in touch with a larger sense of ones place in the world. A sort of humility, if you will, that our lives are not simply our own. And that understanding is very useful.

Thanks again for your detailed story on this. In many ways I have experienced similar happenings with my involvement in supportive communities, inside and outside of formal recovery groups. I could basically say the same stuff, although from my worldview just without the theistic language. But learning about the meaning of faith was a very significant becoming in my process, and I totally relate to that kind of experience. I’m not talking about dogmatic or blind faith, but the kind of faith more akin to confidence based on ones own direct experiences of life. I have a feeling you understand.

 

[aihfl]

Thank you for sharing that story Somni. Very touching.

 

[somnilicious]

Thanks guys... and it is essentially the same thing ToothPaste. When I say God I don't picture a man in the sky. I don't know what it is.. A universal energy, positive cosmic vibrations, instilled instinctive intuition, It could very well be a dude with a flowing white beard and a robe for all I know but I have found it best to not even question it or try to understand anymore. I simply let go and accept that I am being guided.

Several months ago after I returned from my binge in Medellin Columbia. I was distraught and completely at a loss because of the issues with my lady friend that had drawn me away from my recovery when I went over to my best friends house to tell him I was going to commit suicide. I was driving from Daytona to Orlando with the intention of buying 3 grams of heroin and overdosing. So there I am on the highway dictating in my head the suicide post that I was getting ready to post on Facebook, when in one final plea I cried out to God the Universe.. whatever... to help me. "Please do anything, change my mind. I need divine intervention." I still felt the same so I went back to dictating my suicide post. When all of a sudden out of nowhere I was waking up as I was going off the road and slamming into a light post at 80mph. The car immediately shut off and ended up 75 more yards down the side of the highway. I got out of my totaled car to find that I had not been injured in the slightest. Not even a scratch. The first thought that popped into my head was that God had intervened. I hadn't even been slightly the least bit tired. Instead of thanking my blessings I started cursing God for taking away my means to suicide for I no longer had a vehicle to cop the heroin.


I now look back to that night as being a defining moment in my life and am eternally grateful. I wish I had the time to tell this story in the poetic detail that it deserves but I simply don't have the time.. I have to go get a haircut and get a few pairs of clothes at a second hand store so I am ready for game night tonight.. One of the many perks of the program

Love u guys

 

[aihfl]

Somni, my religious views are very confused for reasons I won't elaborate on here, but I know where you are coming from. By all rights, I should be in prison or dead. But I am not and genuinely believe for whatever reason that a higher power has prevented that from happening. Just to give a few examples:

1. Was flying to what was then home, New England from Cincinnati on business. Got hammered at the Sam Adams brewpub at the Cincinnati Airport; had elite status on Delta at the time so I drank for free on the plane; had a drink at a bar near the gate in Hartford to have "one for the road." Got pulled over by the Mass. State Police for doing 77 in a 55. No field sobriety tests, didn't even get a ticket just a written warning.

2. Was working during the week in Ohio and flying back to Florida on weekends. One winter Sunday night did my usual routine stopping at the grocery store on my way from the Columbus Airport for a 12 pack. I hit an icy patch and my pickup truck started to fishtail and I started spinning. I thought "this is it, I'm going to hit a utility pole and I've killed myself." When the truck stopped I was in the right lane pointed in the right direction.

3. I was passed out in the rest area on I 4 in Longwood and a Good Samaritan called 911. I was not charged with DUI. The worst that happened to me was waking up in the ER at South Seminole Hospital and learning my car was impounded.

4. My ex wife had a restraining order against me at the time; I was at our house in New England and she called and had the cops remove me from the house (I was wasted) and take me to a motel. I woke up in the middle of the night and got the bright idea to go retrieve my rental car. For some inexplicable reason the battery was dead, but she saw me and called the cops. I was picked up on a misdemeanor violation of an injunction charge. Had I driven off, it would have been a major felony DUI charge as my BAC when the cops picked me up was .29.

These are just a few examples but my life is chock full of these occurrences. I can't chalk it up to luck because statistically my luck would have run out.

 

[somnilicious]

I know right it's uncanny... I truly have so many as well... and I truly understand the problems with God(religion). I was molested by this guy, who called himself a born again Christian. He started taking me to church and believed himself to be a prophet. He would sit there for hours rambling on about the codes in the book of revelations, while I listened(usually under the influence of LSD)... No one had ever taught me about God before or introduced me to religion, as my parents didn't believe in shoving religion down their kids throats. They simply neglected to tell me anything about it. I was fucked up for years... Then my girlfriend overdosed next to me in bed and I could no longer believe in God. Why should I be protected and guided by God when she was discarded and plucked from this world. It made it very difficult to have a concept of a higher power in the beginning of my recovery but I simply can't afford to question or deny that there isn't something there any longer...

 

[simco]

Somni, my own feelings sound similar to yours...the arbitrariness of our fates always got in the way of my believing in anything like God. Why should I have walked away from four ODs when other people I know died? It all seems random and contingent on raw luck.

But also like you, I eventually concluded that I simply *can't* continue as an atheist...I need some belief that there's a purpose to what we go through on Earth. Without that I can quickly convince myself that giving my life to heroin is as viable an option as anything else. So I spent a lot of time thinking and writing about how I could tolerate some notion of direction in the world without betraying my principles. It's very fluid and very much a work in progress. And I still don't believe in anything that most people would recognize as God. But despite their weirdness, my thoughts and writing on this subject have definitely helped my recovery.

Keep at it, man. Your beliefs only have to work for you.

 

[Stargazer]

Wow- amazing posts guys. Im in the same place.

I believe there is a force of great love and intelligence bigger than us. Why do I weep when I see acts of compassion and love amongst us? Even this forum brings me tears...laughter...genuine feelings for you guys. Why is that?

My parents werent warm people. I am. Always have been. Where could this innate sense of caring come from? I didn't decide to be this way. I didn't dream it up myself one afternoon. It just "is"

Im not concerned w the particulars of anyone elses beliefs. For me, it's if they are coming from a place of respect, love and are genuine. I can respect our different takes and angles.

I have alot of unexplainables too. One that comes to mind is I was almost killed - in Florida. About 11yrs ago.

Someone tried to strangle me. It was so severe that my nose bled. My eyes as a result were the color of ketchup (the whites) One of the cops said he had onlt seen eyes like mine at an autospy. A lawyer from the DA's office called me to conment on the severity (she saw the pixtures) How...and why did I live through that? I shouldn't have.

I say God. I feel more of an affinity toward Christ. I just "feel" the spirituality in our existence somehow. I know that's not a great description but I find it difficult to put into words.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I definitely see this broader spiritual force of one of our inherent capacity for love, and more broadly the human condition as one of inherent interdependency.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around spirituality, but from what I can tell it seems to revolve around connection, meaning and faith (as confidence and trust). Underneath the particular and distinct words different cultures use to describe the spiritual condition I see some fundamental universal truths. Different words for the same thing, as I was saying (and even with reference to the clannishness or religion, it’s the same dynamic at work).

 

[Stargazer]

TPD-it is difficult to wrap your head around. I no longer believe that everyone is inherently a good person. There are dangerous people that don't have the capacity or ability to care about others. Discernment is necessary with whom I allow to be close to me. Life has taught me well in the sternest of ways.

"The greatest of teachers won't hesitate, to leave you there by yourself chained to fate"

Somni- Where have you been?? I need you SLiPP partner. I'm flying home at noon tomorrow. Hope you're well.

 

[somnilicious]

TPD-it is difficult to wrap your head around. I no longer believe that everyone is inherently a good person. There are dangerous people that don't have the capacity or ability to care about others. Discernment is necessary with whom I allow to be close to me. Life has taught me well in the sternest of ways.

"The greatest of teachers won't hesitate, to leave you there by yourself chained to fate"

Somni- Where have you been?? I need you SLiPP partner. I'm flying home at noon tomorrow. Hope you're well.

I'm here.. actually had a massive 3 day relapse but will be heading to the keys to work for the next few weeks. Gonna probably be in withdrawal and living on a luxery yaut

 

[Jabberwocky]

Luxury yachts are nice keep you head up somni. If I had ten cents for every lapse and relapse I’ve had, shoot...

It says a lot you’re right back here updating us honestly about what is going on. That is a really very good sign.

Any plans on managing the w/d? Shouldn’t be too bad if you only were out a few days, even though the residual effects still suck.

 

[somnilicious]

What's up guys.... Just got back from the keys. It was an awesome trip and very beautiful but it kinda turned into a shit show. The guy who got us the job got in a huge drunken fight with his girlfriend... There were cops involved, ambulances, a broken pelvis and a defrauding a taxi driver charge.... Oh and crack.... but that being said I got to go reef diving, kayak on the open ocean, fish and kick dope in a beautiful paradise. I brought kratom with me and we went to Key West to restock so I was fairly comfortable. I stopped taking the kratom on the 2nd to last day before we left and feel relatively normal at this point.

The devastation was astounding. There are 15-20ft high debris piles extending 50-75yrds every few miles down US1. The storm surge sent trash everywhere and boats are capsized on land all over the place. The work turned out to be incredibly difficult. We got there at 3am slept in the van till 730 and immediately went to work in the blazing sun. We basically worked from sun up to sun down. The luxury yacht didn't have air conditioning and me and my buddy were supposed to sleep in the bottom of the hull with no windows. It was a furnace and unsleepable so we slept in the van every night.

After the big blow up fight on the last night we were kindly asked to leave and only given $100 a day for the 4 days we worked instead of the promised $200 a day for several weeks of work. One of our employers rents warned us that the guy was notorious for getting work out of guys and then not paying them so I guess I consider myself lucky that I got anything. I came back with very little to show for the trip but the good news was that I stopped by a friend's house after dropping off one of my other buddies in Daytona and after a little talk he is going to get me in as a concierge at the Daytona location for one of the top 5 time share resort companies so still trying to turn lemons into lemonaide..

Just have to learn to better assess situations that are guaranteed to blow up and make better decisions.. To be honest there wasn't much I could have done in different in this situation besides not driving us to Key West but you live and you learn..

How are you doing 10yrs? Did you make it back.... Update. Please:D

Oh... and I lost my phone!! lol....

 

[somnilicious]

I'm still around been mostly staying clean. Wound up selling my old car and used for a few days, when I found out I have a job interview at one of the big time share resorts tomorrow. Under normal circumstances I would just deal with being uncomfortable and wait out the minor withdrawals I would have but the job interview is tomorrow and this is extremely important to me so my friend gave me an 8mg suboxone. I took a one time dose of 10mg of methadone yesterday at about 11am after having done 4 bags the night before so I am hesitant to take any Subs till tomorrow but I am feeling fairly anxious and body tense today and I was wondering if I could take a little kratom and then induct the Subs tomorrow? I would almost rather take the Subs today if I could so I wouldn't have to take my first dose on the day of the interview.

I should have some time before I start working to work this all out of my system after taking the Subs for a few days. It is really hard to rate myself on the COWS scale because my withdrawals really haven't and shouldn't be that bad in the first place and I have barely been having any withdrawal symptoms except anxiety, insomnia and restless tension, some slight yawning and tearing up but that seems to be psychosomatic as it only presents itself when I know I am getting ready to use. Any thoughts or opinions on the Kratom situation. I would rather not have to go spend money on kratom and would much rather take the subs in a bit so if anybody has any advice on that front it would be appreciated. I have a lot to do today and the inner tension is driving me crazy.

I will be going back to Daytona if I get this job and all of my focus and energy will go back into recovery and work so this is a big opportunity for me.

 

[cj]

I would wait at least 36 hours after methodone to take the sub. Methodone is notorious for inducing PW.

 

[somnilicious]

So things didn't quite turn out like I expected at the interview.. Wound up taking a job for $8.05/hr that is essentially a training jump for concierge positions. I will be taking a big cut in pay from any construction job but I got extremely excited when I walked in the resort and saw the waves crashing. I felt like I was at home. I have been around my friend long enough to have a general idea of how the resort sales game goes and they both bank. I have done fairly well in sleezier sales positions. I will have to drive a little over an hour both ways to work but I can go to meetings in Daytona and get a gym membership there. Feelin' really good about this. My buddy said the heads were impressed by my confidence and energy so that's a plus.

Ohhh... BTW... sorry forgot to post that I wound up railing 2mg yesterday an hour after I posted that and was fine... actually did another 2mg 5 or so hrs later. I snorted it because if I was going to get PW's I didn't want to sit around and wait for it....lol... I think my tolerance is so low and that I haven't really been getting real significant withdrawals lately. Small progresses.. The job will def. help with staying clean.

 

[cj]

So things didn't quite turn out like I expected at the interview.. Wound up taking a job for $8.05/hr that is essentially a training jump for concierge positions. I will be taking a big cut in pay from any construction job but I got extremely excited when I walked in the resort and saw the waves crashing. I felt like I was at home. I have been around my friend long enough to have a general idea of how the resort sales game goes and they both bank. I have done fairly well in sleezier sales positions. I will have to drive a little over an hour both ways to work but I can go to meetings in Daytona and get a gym membership there. Feelin' really good about this. My buddy said the heads were impressed by my confidence and energy so that's a plus.

Ohhh... BTW... sorry forgot to post that I wound up railing 2mg yesterday an hour after I posted that and was fine... actually did another 2mg 5 or so hrs later. I snorted it because if I was going to get PW's I didn't want to sit around and wait for it....lol... I think my tolerance is so low and that I haven't really been getting real significant withdrawals lately. Small progresses.. The job will def. help with staying clean.

Glad it worked out. Jesus 8 dollars is desperate low. I hope there's some commission to be made or something

 

[simco]

Congrats on the job! It's true that $8/hr isn't a lot. But feeling good about the place you're working is worth a lot in its own way.

Like cj said, I'm glad to hear things worked out with the subs.

You're doing awesome, man. A job, getting into shape, working on recovery. Fuck yeah!

 

[somnilicious]

Thanks Simco! CJ! I'm really excited.

Yeah there's small commissions to be made but really I just took the job with an eye on the future because they promised me concierge in 1 to 3mths if I produce. I enjoy the sales game and even starting out for one of the major car dealerships you will be only making minimum wage for a month or so until you're ready for commission pay. This is one of the top 5 resorts in the world and I am just hoping that my background flys. My friend robbed several banks and set up a 23lbs marijuana deal in the 80's but adjudication was withheld. I have a petit theft conviction...lol... Hope it doesn't hold me back.

Lot's of money to be made in this industry. It's not everything but my experiences with financial stability have been very sporadic so I am driven to find my niche and being a very personable, outgoing, excitement junkie makes the money chase of sales very appealing. Plus I'm there to help people. They obviously like to vacation because they are there so why cant I just help them vacation better and provide cheap opportunities to stay at a 5 star resort that has 400 locations in 40 countries.

I will also get the full corporate sha-bang with stock options, 401k, health insurance...bonuses and spiffs.

What the fuck else I got going on. Last time I checked I was running away from a dope habit to the keys to get ripped off for cheap labor after my cohorts sabotaged everything by getting in a drunken, crack fueled fight that ended in a broken pelvis, cops and paramedics....lol

The path to success is more often tied to risk and sacrifice than anything else, which I have no problem with considering my current circumstances. The true test will be my discipline, which working out significantly helps to moderate.

 

[cj]

Well you gotta start somewhere! Your doing better then my unemployed ass too. Hope you kick ass and take names!

 

[somnilicious]

Well you gotta start somewhere! Your doing better then my unemployed ass too. Hope you kick ass and take names!

Yeah... I'm lucky that I can take this chance. I live with my parents rent free because despite my dope habit they know I am a good person and love the hell out of me. As long as I am trying they don't give me too much shit. I Have no car payment or other financial obligations so I can accept a $300 some odd dollar pay check right now as collateral for my future. I know all about the unemployment game too. I spent the last 5yrs of my methadone career essentially unemployed. I worked small jobs and had an aborted attempt in the local iron workers union that ended with me withdrawing from benzos on a six inch beam hundreds of feet in the air. My hands were shaking so bad that my foreman had to put me on fire watch, which pretty much involves just watching the welders and yelling fire in the event of a fire...lol... I quote "You either got balls or your a moron boy.. Most people won't even get up here under normal circumstances and you climbed up here withdrawing from drugs." Probably a little of both but I'm Okay with that...