• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Recovery Back On the Sober Wagon...

Hi Somni,


Wow you've been through so much but you sound like you are doing some good things for yourself, getting outside, the gym, new and old friends and meditation. That's great!! How are you today?

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.
 
Hey sober partner. I'm still trying and you are often in my thoughts.

I haven't been posting much lately as I've been struggling through getting on Subutex.

But I read BL almost everyday.

Love ya Somni. ❤️ Keep getting back up. We're going to get there.
 
Hi 10yrs!!?.... How have you been? I've read a little bit about your struggles staying the course with subs and your hubbies influence. I def feel for you. It's hard staying clean for me alone because of the loneliness but I absolutely know that the couple aspect adds a whole other dynamic to the game. I see it time and time again. I've been having a rough time lately. Financial worries, isolation, loneliness, boredom, insomnia, intrusive thoughts, flat affect and brain fog. I have been really wanting to use some mind altering chemical. I get drug tested and really want to stay away from opiates even kratom. Already reached my point with phenibut. With my benzo history and small taste of phenibut withdrawals I am scared to even see how much more brain damage I can do. All this leaves me dreaming of pot all day. The drug test are far and few in between..but I don't like playing with my housing. That only leaves the headshop with the synthnoid "CBD" gummies down the street.. oh well... What's the use. How dangerous are these synthnoids if taken occasionally? I have Already done it a few times with no adverse effects..

The struggle is real bluelighters so Keep on keepin' on

-Somni
 
EPL1 said:
Hi Somni,


Wow you've been through so much but you sound like you are doing some good things for yourself, getting outside, the gym, new and old friends and meditation. That's great!! How are you today?

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.
Click to expand...

Hi Ash, Just saw this. The last 2 days were rough. I had a little slip the other day when I got caught in a work situation with a bunch of guys who were using. It wasn't my drug of choice and it was actually a drug I hate...lol... Don't know why I did it other than the fact that I have just been bored and depressed. I'm just glad it wasn't opiates. I have been nursing the wounds so to speak. How have you been?
 
Aaw Somni <<<Huge Hug>>>
The struggle is soo real.

Having to be in close proximity with someone that's not exactly in the same place recovery-wise is so fucking stressful at times I feel very alone alot of the time.

I'm thinking about coming to Florida this or next month to give us some distance from everything and of course, visit my husband's mom. I hope we can work that out.

I'm w you buddy. And always sending positive vibes. Glad to see you. ❤️?
 
Thanks so much 10... >>Hug<< returned.. Having you guys means so much. I'm so disappointed I myself. I wound up using kratom Saturday then copped a bag of dope this morning. The struggle is real. I have been feeling so emotionless and disconnected lately. It has really been getting to me. I feel so alone and far away in the meetings. Even typing this is difficult. Oh well, tired and tomorrow is a new day.
 
Hi Somni, I understand your struggles. It's been difficult for me to get back into a sober routine. I used to go to yoga or a meeting after work. Now I just sit at home and veg in front of the TV and drink. It doesn't help that my LA Fitness is closed for the next 8 months and now I have to drive to freaking Apopka if I want to go to yoga. I just don't have the motivation to leave the house except to buy alcohol and takeout food. I'm not even really taking a lot of benzos. Benzos take time to work. Alcohol works instantly. The struggle is real, like you said. I hope you're feeling better today.
 
Hello my dear friend Somni, (me waving);)

Sorry for the late reply, I must have missed this.

I am doing well, the hot weather has finally cooled off a bit here so I'm happy for that. And a kidney infection that took 2 courses of abx finally cleared up so I can't complain.

Been thinking about you and I hope you're doing well. How are you doing?

Here if you need anything,
hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

P.S,
I see that you let cj know about the wonderful sober living community there in Florida, that's so nice and thoughtful of you. You are such a good person, I hope you know that.
Love and support to you.


somnilicious said:
Hi Ash, Just saw this. The last 2 days were rough. I had a little slip the other day when I got caught in a work situation with a bunch of guys who were using. It wasn't my drug of choice and it was actually a drug I hate...lol... Don't know why I did it other than the fact that I have just been bored and depressed. I'm just glad it wasn't opiates. I have been nursing the wounds so to speak. How have you been?
Click to expand...
 
I decided to resurrect my old sober thread to prove that you can get clean even when the world is caving in on you.

It's been crazy! I got a DUI last July and I was on probation in another county. I went to rehab. Got out..got a job....and an awesome car in no time.... It didn't take long for me to relapse. I got a nose for it. You can drop me off in any city in the United States and I'll find what I want.

I overdosed 4 out of 5 Fridays around Jan. I was extremely careless and stupid. I was in that I don't care mode. It was all part of the thrill.

Eventually I wrecked my car. It took 6mths but I was back to bottom. I'm now facing a felony charge in one county, while I'm on probation in another.... Good times ?.

Despite all that I'm happy and approx 2mths heroin(fent) free. I love my job. It's not a dream job but it's relaxing and doing finish carpentry is like an art, especially multi million dollar house finish work.
It's just me and a other guy. I wake up before the crack of dawn and get off at 3. I enjoy the work and it requires all my attention, so I am totally absorbed..... Life's good.

As I said in the July sober thread.... I met a lot of cool people at the kava bar I go to. I am going to start skating again with this guy I met. I haven't skated since high school but I've been listening to all my old skate punk songs and I'm stoked.

The most important thing to staying clean is to start living life. I have to fill my days with activities. I write, try to play guitar and workout. I've learned through mindfulness to enjoy the small mundane parts of life... I love cooking, the process, the smells and the beautiful act of creating a meal for others to share, a warm shower.

Today I mowed my yard and then drove to my sister's and mowed her yard. It felt amazing to cruise on the riding mower, with the warm sun beating on my face and knowing that I'm doing something for someone I love.

I might be forced into rehab or jail by the courts. Everything is up in the air right now but despite the chaos, I'm at peace.
and I accept whatever happens. I will keep my eyes and heart open and even if I have to go sit in the can. Everything has opportunity even struggle.

Since I've started meditation and mindfulness. I've learned to totally focus and divorce myself from the worry.

There are different brain networks for NF(narrative focus) and EF(experiential focus). In narrative focus I'm always creating crazy scenarios in my head, that may or not come true or I'm ruminating about the past.

I
As I've gone through life I have been living in the narrative world, always creating false plot lines and labeling everything as good or bad but mindfullness has allowed me to escape my dream world and step into the world of experiential focus.

I still have crazy thoughts that bubble up but I no longer have to attach any emotion or ownership to them. It's strange. It has really shown me how little control of my thoughts I had.

Experiential focus has taught me to enjoy each moment for its simplicity, with all 5 senses. I accept the struggle as a lesson. It keeps me honest and busy. When I'm focused on the journey I'm able to see the beauty in the world and let
the static roll of my shoulders.

Love all you guys.... Day one kratom free... 30 some odd hours. It's for the best. The bandaid was infecting the wound. Time to rip it off.

One day I'm going to blog my whole story, put it in this thread or the addiction story thread. I shouldn't be alive and I'm extremely grateful.

It was sad to I read through the thread and see Aron as the second to last post. I talked to him on the phone and he literally lived 20 minutes from me. I really regret not meeting up with him. This shit is real. People are dying. I want to truly live before I have to go. I can do this and so can any body else. I'll Never give up.

✌
 
Somni, Thank you for the update!! It is so wonderful to hear a graceful and upbeat post. Once we are off the shit for awhile ( and boy does it take awhile) our mind and body can reboot to our natural upbeat self.
I am spending more and more time in FLA, ( my father is not well, up in Gainesville )
All is well ICE
 
Everything is still going well. I failed in my break from kratom. I made it two days. I didn't even feel that bad but then my dad asked me if I wanted to go to the Kava bar and for the last 2 days I have taken 10 grams. I plan to taper down and start supplementing with kava, which is not physically addictive. I might have to just rip the bandaid off but I will miss the kava bar.

I'm seriously going to focus on my health. I have hep-C and I consume too many substances, which makes me concerned considering my liver..... Kratom, coffee, kava, high protein from shakes and Uggghhhh.... I hate to admit it but I also have periodic drinking binges of a night or two. This last one was a nightmare because after 2 nights of 5 or so drinks each night I woke up paralyzed with panic and just feeling horrible. I was done.... Never again... alcohol is poison for sure.

I quit cigarettes and all the hard stuff... Now it is time to get serious about a taper schedule. I found a mindfulness group and I'm all in. This older chap I met at the kava bar, who is tapering off kratom, had 10yrs clean and wants to go to the local AA meetings, so I have found an ally.

I love all my fellow addicts in the struggle. Don't ever give up and keep your head up. I have lost a lot of lovers and friends to this disease, therefore I must celebrate life. It's a beautiful thing and I'm one of the lucky ones.
 
In another thread somebody asked if you found a way to get around withdrawal would you keep using for ever. This was my answer and I think its beautiful, so I brought it over to my thread to have it memorialized.

No..... I Desperately want to hang on till I make it to the otherside….. The "It does get better." I know this from experience but unfortunately for one reason or another I came back and every time I do I regret it. The benefits and pleasure I derive become less and less, while the consequences become greater and greater. I want to experience life. It sucks waking up after 20+ yrs opiate abuse and realizing how much time you've waisted. In an opiate haze the excitement and wonder of life dissolve, dreams and hope reduced to a fix, feelings fade to a dull intellectualized dribble until I can't remember what it was like to feel. No reason to get out of bed except to score. Why would I need to participate in life when all my dopamine is supplied by an opiated dream world.

Soon it ceases to even work any more no matter how many tolerance breaks I take..... hell the detox meds don't even really work anymore. After all the methadones, suboxones, kratoms and gabapentin pendulum swinging soon nothing works for its intended purpose anymore
Sorry it's hard to hypothesize because the stark reality is all to crisp...

I know it doesn't exactly answer your question because you said hypothetically but "NO". I want to live. I want the good with the bad. I want to experience all the joy, despair, hopes, dreams, fears and anticipations. I want to feel somebody else deep down at the core level of their soul. I want to know myself the way that only comes from having felt each and every emotion of each and every experience. I want to quiver with fear and anticipation, only to swell up with pride at having overcome. I want to love so much it hurts, only to lose that, so that I truly understand what is important. I want the mutually shared experience and empathy of having felt every pain and passion with another until our feelings and admiration for each other coalesce into puddle of deep embrace. Then I want to wake up and fight the next morning because our dreams and feelings conflict. Only to have my heart turned by having felt every vibration of discord and disconnection radiate through my body sending it tumbling back to the other emblazoned with passionate makeup sex. I want to feel the moment my father dies, so that I can embrace my sister and share the tears rolling down our cheeks.

I want to wake up excited.... I want to feel my child's disappointments so much that it blurs the lines between us. I want all of that, so that when I lie on my deathbed as I'm breathing in my last painful breath with all the memories of what came before swirling through my head I can say I felt, I knew, I truly loved, I was there..... I lived.






Quote Reply

Report Edit Delete
 
Had a good weekend. Still haven't kicked the kratom. Spent the weekend at my sister's fishing, boating, netflix and eating. Nothing eventful in my progress towards complete sobriety but I'm not going to put too much pressure or get down on myself. I wrote in my journal, read my book and had some transformative conversation with my sister. Good stuff..
 
2 days free of kratom.... I relapsed on dope Monday and Friday, so I decided everything has to go because the kratom was making it impossible for me to sleep. I got some gabapentin to ride out the initial phases and then I am going completely clean and joining the NA way of life. I have done this before and I had almost 90 days with the kratom but I really wasn't healthy(no sleep, low testosterone, still a slave) or clean.

I had a period of one year completely clean, so I have been here before. I can't wait to start this new life. I am absolutely fed up and I am ready to join the no matter what club.

I also have a plan to start my own business. I'm so excited.
 
Last edited:
somnilicious said:
2 days free of kratom.... I relapsed on dope Monday and Friday, so I decided everything has to go because the kratom was making it impossible for me to sleep. I got some gabapentin to ride out the initial phases and then I am going completely clean and joining the NA way of life. I have done this before and I had almost 90 days with the kratom but I really wasn't healthy(no sleep, low testosterone, still a slave) or clean.

I had a period of one year completely clean, so I have been here before. I can't wait to start this new life. I am absolutely fed up and I am ready to join the no matter what club.

I also have a plan to start my own business. I'm so excited.
Click to expand...
Really? Kratom knocks me out even when I dose it late. I mean 2 hours before bed but I am only taking small amounts. I don't think it is good to take close to bed time though if you can help it.

Kratom really becomes a serious issue for people often doesn't it? I mean I take it all day when I have it but it's not destructive like alcohol on health or even my mind.

Still this motivates me to keep away from it.

Keep it up.

I'm on kratom today but like I can still get stuff done and am not really high from it like someone using heroin.
 
Derschieber said:
Hi somnilicious

Thank you for sharing your story, your struggles. It took around 2 years (sobriety) before I fully recovered.
Your job sounds pretty good. My work is very similar.
Click to expand...
Someone said, not sure who, that after 2 years chance of relapse gets cut in half. I was sober for 5 years before I slid back into active using so I mean I would be careful saying you fully recovered but for me I can return to a healthy place within months then it is just a matter of remaining honest about what I am putting into my body and why.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top