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Alcoholism Discussion Thread Version 7.0

I always loved how Gabor Maté used his propensity to compulsively buy too many CDs as an example of a non-substance related, non-traditional example of addiction in his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts.
 
^ I had a colleague at work who went beyond broken because of his obsession about buying expensive art paintings, mostly in auctions. His wife once mentioned he did not even liked some of them but he'd buy them anyway He felt this need to fulfill his life with art. Unfortunately this can also break a family apart. And it was totally non-substance related.
 
Yup, I am the same way with paintball marker, it is kinda sad. I have learned to control it, but that badically means I do not let myself buy any more of them. . . So in my case it really is not that extreme anymore.
 
lol .. no, I guess it's okay. More funny/cool than sad imho. Trying to picture all of these paint markers..
 
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Paintball guns, they call them "markers" because they were invented to mark cattle and trees and shit, hence the name "marker." I actually invented a paintball gun and started my own company when I was a teenager, so you can imagine how much I love the sport. If only it was not so damn expensive.

Here is one of my favorites, I only collect punp and especially stock class markers like LAPCO's 2012 Grey Ghost that I have here.

NSFW:
PtFxV6J
 
^ I didn't know that. I thought it had to do with the colours. Anyway, I imagine it must have been very nice to work with as teenager doing what you liked. The one in the image seems to be very nice, very detailed.

I started working as 15. And at a certain point I even quit doing drugs back then for a while because I did not want to spend one month salary with dope and shit. In way work has saved me more than the rehabs.
 
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Or maybe you just like to collect them. How many of those do you have? It would be nice to learn how to actually make them.
 
Well, I sold off a lot of my semi-auto electro pneumatic and mechanical guns, because I like to play pump and stock class exclusively now. It is a lot more fun to tag someone who has a gun shooting 30 ball per second with a gun you have to pump for each shot and manually chamber each ball. I think I only have five or six guns at the moment, but honestly I will probably get more later in life. I love collecting the older ones, from when it all started back in the early 80's.

Making them is a lot of fun. It is called airsmithing, and it require a basic know of machine shop stuff. Like I said, it is a lot of fun.
 
At least you have a hobby. And a possible good idea for business. One of the things I had to deal with during my sobriety was my total lack of hobbies. I'd exercise, go to meetings, eat well. Even learned strategies to cope with cravings. But finding out what I really wanted to do so I could ease my stress was not easy.
 
I was lucky. My dream had always to be a musician. When i sobered up i practiced my guitar for hrs s day. But writing lyrics. That was key. It enabled me to vent in a creative way. I have so many songs about addiction and lonliness and everything thats comes with it. Its been done before of course but to write a couple of verses and put chrods on them and actually make a harmony is very addictive itself. I wrote a song about lonliness the other day:
Life has a way of draining you.
And destroying your very fiber
So what happens when
Im not close to her.
Put a very dreary A minor diminished chord over it and some others.
I also rap which is a great outlet on those days is sobriety where you wanna punch someone, lol. Thats easier cause i just make a beat on my keyboard and write. I hoe this isnt the same thread i talked about music. Oh well. Hobbies are so important Erikmen. They give you something to look forward to becides drinking or using. Whether it be active or not, something must interest you. With me music is my undying passion and when im not playing im listening. I can honestly say music has stopped me from using or drinking. Like tonight. No shame here. Im struggling and havent been playing or writing much and ive been using a bit. Tonight i heard a lovely Pearl Jam song about addiction and recovery and instead of doing plan A i went to plan B. I wish i could thank Mike Mcready lead guitarist for writing that song. Its the first song he wrote the lyrics and music and it made it on the record. Its called Inside Job. How many times have we heard this in recovery. It really is an inside job. External things dont matter. We need to work on ourselvs our faults and etc... All i know if it wasnt for music id be dead so yes hobbies are of utmost importance.
 
It is so important to have a hobby or two if one seeks a succssful recovery. Not just down the rode, but right now.

Even if you fee like there is not anything that would interest you, you can find new passions for life if only you put yourself out their and try.
 
^ Indeed they are.
As much as you make everything right and deal with challenges, exercise, all according to the book, there must be something else. A distraction good enough to get your mind off all the stressful daily routine. I'm slowly finding my distractions and also thanks to my children (especially the youngest) I include them and they made it much easier for me, and at the same time so naturally.

We always plan our weekend, have travelled with my youngest and everything was just fine, not perfect but memorable. They still help me to go through my path. They did it on my way out so I'd come off for myself but with 'benefits' and now their love and how well I have always appear for them. As per their perception due to the age too, I'm still the good father who used to be their superhero. It helped me to realize that their love and acceptance of who I am made me believe that I could be that person outside too, regardless of my flaws.
 
Wow, that really sounds amazing. Ever since I discovered a,real professionally theraputic community or support system and coupled that with my spiritual/vipasanna/MBSR community, I have been so much happier. It is really amazing. I have finally found my niche, so to speak :)

I find that DXM really helps me because when I take it in moderate doses I am forced to be mindful of whatever I am doing, or else I will basically trip myself up and fall all over the place like an idiot. I just need to make sure I keep it to only limited times, not making it an every day, thing.

Wow, it is amazing how off topic this post has gone. Sorry for hijacking the thread like this. Anyone want to get back on topic?
 
I'm still looking for my real niche yet. I'm happy with my family but I feel I'm still not allocate, so to speak.
Not yet comfortable enough to say this is now okay and I'm fine, not totally but okay would work. We'll get there. ;)
 
If you do not mind my asking, what part of the world are you in?

It took me a god damn long time to figure my shit out. Ever seen that movie called The Graduate? Not necessarily one of my favorites, but it basically sums up the last 8 years of my life since law school ended.

I was very, very lost for many year, felt totally alienated from my society and its culture and totally lost, without any sense of direction or idenity. Took a long time to rebuild my sense of self and finally gain some real confidence in mysel and my abilities. Amazing journey though. Not at all easy mind you, but I am so, so grateful for the struggles and challanges I have been forced to overcome in order to achieve my even most moderate and simplest, most basic goals in life.

Since I now seem to have pretty much gotten a hold of my biggest challanges that I had during my early and mid 20's, I now seem more able to finally start moving on and creating the life I always wanted for myself, even if I had no idea before now that it would be what it seems to have become. Pretty awesome, huh?

I am now feeling truly happy and fullfilled about my life, the new identity I am building for myself and where I am headed in life for I believe the very first time in my life.

Whatever the case may be, I couldn't be happier with where I am at, that is for sure!
 
You're lucky to have this figured out while you're still young and have an entire life ahead. I have only really started to want to come to terms with myself when I was almost 40. Before that I would work, travel and even build/raise a family under the influence of meds and opiates (often due to medical problems/orthopedic surgery) but still I need all of that to be able to function properly.

I didn't realize that this was eventually turning to a serious and dangerous thing in my life and only now I see how much I've lost. It took too long and because I would keep it to myself it was needed an OD so my family could understand what was going on. I was always very discreet so most people would not notice, except for when I was young and rebel, lol.

And now I realize I just can't start all over. Have already made most of my important and basic choices in life and now I need first 'finish' everything I started and do it by the book, as we often at work. And all that includes raising a family with love and willingness, continue working as if nothing had happened. Except that now there it's without the lightness or socialness that I had during most of my adult life.

As I was mentioning last week I have already accepted sobriety and don't think too much about it. I don't want to go back to who I was and I would never ever come off of all the things I was so used to like food and air. It was not easy at all and it took too long for me to start feeling better. A couple of months in between hospitals, almost one full month withdrawing from 'dones I had used for so many years thinking I had it all figured out.

I would have to be totally crazy to wish to go through all of that again. Specially because it did not take just once to get me on the right track. It took several years trying when I finally knew I had to take the harder path if wanted to get out of this alive in one piece. Not sure if I'm in one full piece though..
 
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I really like your post Erikmen. Our stories are simular in the way we were older when we got clean and it took several years. For me it took almost a decade. It was so hard it was insane. Id be doing well for a long time then boom over and over again. I truly hope im done with that. I dont need to be Mr recovery but if i can help people and spare them years of hell i went thru that would be cool. My sobriety depends on nothing. Im not good with pressure so i uave to watch it. I take it easy and do everthing pretty much the same except im oinder to everybody i come in contact with and i dont drink. So simple it makes me sick. I was in AA for years and i tried other programs all for not. Im not a program guy. Im kind but i still isolate bc i enjoy being by myself. Next year when i move to Wyoming to be with my daughter that will change but for now i keep it very very simple. If i dont im in trouble. I am an overthinker and its gotten me messed up plenty of times. It is what it is. Today a girl who was overdosing was brought here cause the lady who lives here has the shots you give. Im upstairs so i didnt hear but when she was done that shot gets your heart going and she was talking a mile a minute and she had a thick columbian accent. In the past i would overthought that and freaked out but hey, a chicks life was saved and it didnt effect me so im good. Keep it simple stupid. Im glad i got straight when i did but the depression of all the years i wasted its a shame but im not ready for the home yet. Im very disabled for life but ill find stuff to do. I love music and play guitar and write songs which is very theraputic. That my advicr to someone getting clean, get a hobby. Boredom will lead you back faster than anything. A good hobby will burn the time in a constructive way. I was lucky, i had one but anything that fits interests will do. To me recovery is simple and easy. And it really is. Not at first. At first its hell on earth but once youre in the clear is so joyful and wonderous. If youre out there and struggling, i hope this post helps. Some might think im crazy but thats ok. Just stop and depending on what drug youre on get thru the wd with help if need be then get on with living your life. Dont dwell in your addiction years, theyre gone. Focus on the present and the future and if youre lucky and have kids focus on them. They deserve it after being innocent bystandards of your addiction. I hopr this all makes sense. I have so much in my life i could bitch about but i dont. Im 41 and surviving my medical and mental sickness and i have a roof over my head and a good car and a beautiful 9 year old daughter whos gonna need me someday. If my experience can help her i can think of no greater reward. Take care to all
 
I think you found few important issues that are quite important for most of us. Things like making your life as simple as possible, recognize your limits by not overthinking your problems and situations around you and very importantly - finding a hobby, something good enough that can distract you from the boring moments of life regardless if you work all day or not. It will always be boring if you don't find your focal point when you can free your stress.

I must be really good to be a musician and understand music, I have always admired people who plays instruments and compose. I hope you can eventually have a successful life working with what you like.

Congratulations for having accomplished so many levels of growth. I hope your experience living with your daughter in the near future makes you very happy and proud.

Take care,
E.
 
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