RL, wow! You've made a tremendous amount of progress, shout-out to you for your insight.
Thank you!
Tomorrow will be 4 months since my last drink. Almost a year since the last time I was drunk enough for a hangover.
I have absolutely no desire to drink these days. Over my year getting sober, there were a few 1-4 drink relapses, but I think that's all out of my system, and unless the world actually does start to burn on December 21st, I don't plan on ever drinking again for the rest of my life. I handle alcohol at work without issue, I can go to bars for meals without issue. I actually feel GOOD telling people that I don't drink. I have never felt this strong and healthy in my life.
To anyone who does not think it gets better, trust me it does. I was as bad as anyone in this thread in the past, and I never thought I'd write stuff like above. Look at my dude blahman8000, too, as a very good example of how fast things can turn around.
Excellent post!

This is my difficulty. I've had such low esteem and such a distorted sense of my own worth, or lack thereof, being so used to the self-critical obsessive in me that seems only ever to be in two states: total apathy want to die despair, and raging at myself loud enough for the neighbours to hear for hours, and days at a time to the point I can't sleep for my own outbursts that I can't moderate my own internal monologue all that well. I can do it when I'm sober sure, when I put my mind to it being all calmly temperate reasonableness, sometimes suddenly seeming to remember all the good things I have in life and how proud of myself I am for having got here in the first place, with all the help of people who
do love me and value me for who I am as much as what I am son/brother/partner-wise only for portents of future crisis and despondency to overwhelm me before anything's even shown its topsail coming up on the horizon. 8)
I taught a CBT class the last week I was in rehab (the facility would let graduates teach a class of their choice their last week if they wanted to), and I had this one man put his hand up near the end and say (i paraphrase): "Everything you've said makes great sense, and I'm sure it's very helpful. But none of it's helpful because I just want to die. I want to die. I don't want to do CBT. I want to die."
This is kind-of extreme, but there's more going on here than just this guy (not really) wanting to die. Because I like CBT, do I practice cognitive restructuring exercises before bed? No, I don't. Do I struggle with 'feeling too apathetic or skeptical to really dedicate myself to all of the details of it? Absolutely. And I think that's true for a lot of people too. Sure, CBT is a lot better than 12-step, but there's still a 'okay, cool, but seriously...?' component to it.
What I like about CBT, though, is that it's perfect for me to benefit, as a person and as a former addict, from teaching others about it. I love to talk about CBT, and I love to try my best to at least let it impression upon others, even if they don't do the little exercises. Would I feel good because someone "wants to be RL's sponsoree?" No, I don't desire any of that, but I love to help lost addicts know that this battle can be fought from many different angles.
We were talking about this in another thread, but I think being "that girl/guy in AA/NA who keeps getting all intellectual and psychological" is a very helpful role in trying to stay sober.
I'm so damn good at talking myself down and making self-pitying excuses for my shittier behaviours that drinking / not drinking seems almost insignificant as part of the bigger picture. I know rationally that's complete bollox, obviously, and that's me rationalising my continuing desire to drink and kidding myself that I can relearn some kind of control when it's been amply demonstrated that 1) I don't like myself drunk, 2) Other people don't like me drunk and 3) the longer I continue to drink the less control I have over anything else in my life to the point of putting everything seriously at risk with just one more massive bender but still.
The problem with trying to rationalize your way out of an addiction is that addicts drink/use to numb pain and most rationalizations about what's really going on are kind of painful to digest. They are typically based on painful memories, and how continuing to use will cause more similar things to happen.
If I am drunk, people won't like me.
Why? Because, for example, I made an ass of myself at that party and people told me I was a fucking drunk loser.
::thinks about the party::
Man, I am a fucking loser. The drink just brought it out that night.
My heart is racing, I need a drink.
::drink:: (x 12)
I was saying this in another thread, but you need positivity to actually make sobriety work. You cannot stay sober by thinking "if I drink again, Bad Thing 1, Bad Thing 2, ..., will happen." You have to incorporate some positive things into your life, and look at it like "if I drink again, then Good Thing 1, Good Thing 2, ..., will be put in jeopardy."
Yes, I know that "Good Thing 1 not happening" could be "Bad Thing 1," sure, but again it's changing the thoughts in order to change the behaviours.