DexterMeth
Bluelighter
Once you become truely sick and tired of being sick, hang up your sick hat and pick up the wellness gloves.
-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0
- Thread starter n3ophy7e
- Start date
- Status
Once you become truely sick and tired of being sick, hang up your sick hat and pick up the wellness gloves.
Mariposa
Bluelight Crew
Ugh...
I am totally on the outs with my dude over his alcohol abuse. And I am not on any sort of pedestal about my own. I can go days without now, but it remains a battle for me to fight. I am managing my cravings as well as can be expected.
Last night he got drunk and acted so recklessly, to the point where he asked me for my car keys (we were out to dinner; I was well under the legal limit) so he could get a pack of cigarettes he had left in there. My car was parked about a block away. I gave him the keys so he could get his smokes and walk back to the restaurant. 30 minutes later, as it started snowing, he still wasn't back. I walked to where my car was to see that it was not there. I called him, fuming, and only got voice mail.
Both he and my car came back in one piece, about 45 minutes after I gave him the keys. I was standing outside talking to a couple folks that have known him awhile, and they said he "wasn't all there". I've only known him a few months but we have gotten very close physically and mentally. His cousins and aunt say the same thing - that they've more or less given up hope. Who the hell would take the car of someone who may as well be their girlfriend while shitfaced? He also got into an accident with his aunt's car on Valentine's Day; he backed into a city bus.
I'm not sure I can forgive this one. Ugh. It certainly makes me re-examine my own drinking habits. That bottle of vodka doesn't look so tasty when I think about it now.
I am totally on the outs with my dude over his alcohol abuse. And I am not on any sort of pedestal about my own. I can go days without now, but it remains a battle for me to fight. I am managing my cravings as well as can be expected.
Last night he got drunk and acted so recklessly, to the point where he asked me for my car keys (we were out to dinner; I was well under the legal limit) so he could get a pack of cigarettes he had left in there. My car was parked about a block away. I gave him the keys so he could get his smokes and walk back to the restaurant. 30 minutes later, as it started snowing, he still wasn't back. I walked to where my car was to see that it was not there. I called him, fuming, and only got voice mail.
Both he and my car came back in one piece, about 45 minutes after I gave him the keys. I was standing outside talking to a couple folks that have known him awhile, and they said he "wasn't all there". I've only known him a few months but we have gotten very close physically and mentally. His cousins and aunt say the same thing - that they've more or less given up hope. Who the hell would take the car of someone who may as well be their girlfriend while shitfaced? He also got into an accident with his aunt's car on Valentine's Day; he backed into a city bus.
I'm not sure I can forgive this one. Ugh. It certainly makes me re-examine my own drinking habits. That bottle of vodka doesn't look so tasty when I think about it now.
DexterMeth
Bluelighter
You're a saint. That is all I have to say about that. I'm sorry you put up with that shit Posa.
dragonslayer428
Bluelighter
I am happy to say that today I am 9 days sober. I had 5 months, but thought I needed to do a little more 'research.' In any case I'm just glad to be alive and sober. Thanks for letting me vent.
J.
J.
Vaya
Bluelight Crew
Mariposa said:
really sorry to hear about that, Mariposa
It all seems so much clearer from the "other side." That is, how unappealing that alcoholic obsession is - and, quite frankly, your story reminds me of how dangerous it is, too.*raises glass of water*
Here's to sanity being restored in your life - and to the appropriate steps you need to take in addressing his and your drinking. It definitely sounds like he's only been a detriment to your well-being lately. I wish for you relief from that.
dragonslayer428 said:
Thank you so much for sharing that, dragonslayer. Congratulations on 9 days sober - massive accomplishment. Keep up the hard work! I'm 4 months clean tomorrow, and I think I'll consider myself "in early sobriety" for the first 2 years at least, but I'll never forget those first 30, man, i'll tell ya. You're doing wondrous things
~ vaya
SubDude
Bluelighter
I agree with S M F G on your last sentence. For some reason I cringe in most cases when someone says to me: "You need" "You should" do what ever....
Congrats on your progress...
RedLeader
Bluelight Crew
Cognitive restructuring is the idea of taking the "needs" and making them shoulds, the "nevers" into "rarely," "always" into "often" and so on in our thinking.
I need a drink to survive the party. -> I want a drink to loosen up, but I don't need one before the party.
I always failed exams in math. -> Often I failed math exams, but when I studied hard I did well.
And so on. Even in our recovery:
I can't go out without my sober network. -> I shouldn't go out without my sober network, but if I do I don't have to drink.
I need to go to a meeting, like NOW. -> I should go to a meeting, but I am not able to I will try deep breathing exercises.
The automatic thoughts of the addict tend to be the strong ones, like on the left above. And it really makes us feel overwhelmed, make things seem black-and-white, make us stress ourselves out by not knowing what to do if a recovery plan has to be modified, makes us fear repeats of past mistakes, etc. While it's very hard to totally change the automatic thinking, we can train ourselves on the cognitive restructuring. We can learn which words are the "strong words" and which less-extreme replacements are available, and how to translate the sentences, though. The more comfortable and reflexive we become with this, the more natural it will feel when the automatic thoughts are translated by our minds. It will become like that point in learning a foreign language when you start thinking in the new one, no longer translating everything in your inner voice. It's difficult, but definitely possible if you're truly committed to change.
my worst enemy
Bluelighter
^^ This is hot shit. Just the kind of things i feel i need in my recovery. You seem to have loads of aces up your sleeve RedLeader! Big thanks for this, Ill get started reflecting more on my language starting today. Ive been thinking about it off n on for years, sometimes deciding not to use curse words and stuff but this seem very balanced. Appreciate it huge!
Anyway, the 17th march im celebrating 2 months CLEAN. Never before in my life has that happened. Im making vegan dinner for close friends. Not there yet though..
Anyway, the 17th march im celebrating 2 months CLEAN. Never before in my life has that happened. Im making vegan dinner for close friends. Not there yet though..
RedLeader
Bluelight Crew
^ Thanks. If you like that, you would like SMART Recovery. Do you have any of those meetings in your country? If not, maybe check out some (group or 1:1) cognitive behavioural therapy. I much prefer CBT to 12 steps.
...So I have to host a beer and wine tasting at work today. I'll be fine, as I honestly don't have any desire to drink these days (opiates are another story....![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
). It's just a bit ironic that I am the one doing it. I'm sure that everyone's going to be asking me if I've tried the drinks. This is one of those situations where my reasons for not drinking will be verbally tested.
Life has been giving me a lot of tests recently. I *will* pass them.
...So I have to host a beer and wine tasting at work today. I'll be fine, as I honestly don't have any desire to drink these days (opiates are another story....
). It's just a bit ironic that I am the one doing it. I'm sure that everyone's going to be asking me if I've tried the drinks. This is one of those situations where my reasons for not drinking will be verbally tested. Life has been giving me a lot of tests recently. I *will* pass them.
my worst enemy
Bluelighter
^ Sounds great with n program for empowering techniques. Although the site does scream Big time wisdom hustlers 
Too bad they dont have meetings in Sweden. thanks nyway though..
Too bad they dont have meetings in Sweden. thanks nyway though..
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
CONGRATULATIONS!!
2 months must feel so good!
Changing language is a surefire way to change thought patterns--it really is powerful stuff. We do so much negative self-talk. Sometimes, to break this habit I envision myself being this negative to a friend. It is absurd! You would never talk to a friend like that--undermining every effort they make--and yet with ourselves we are rarely even aware of how often we do this.
DexterMeth
Bluelighter
I could have used a drink last night or this morning, in lue of an unexpected 3-FA binge I went on yesterday. I lucky thought about you guys and used some foresight and didn't go completely out of control, killing my whole stash. Packed the rest up today and put it away. I decided against flushing it because it could actually be useful someday when I have things more under control.
I'm glad I went through that last night and feeling a little edgy this morning because of it, and lack of sleep (only got 4 hours, but at least I stayed asleep for a full 4 hours instead of waking up ever 1-2). It was a good test and reminder to myself about how far i've come already and why I should not use drinking as a crutch.
Amps are not a crutch to me, but most of them can make me entirely batshit. Even if they didn't, and them aside, anything that would make me prone to relapsing on opiates, benzos and alcohol, is not a good thing to play with or even utilize.
I'm glad I went through that last night and feeling a little edgy this morning because of it, and lack of sleep (only got 4 hours, but at least I stayed asleep for a full 4 hours instead of waking up ever 1-2). It was a good test and reminder to myself about how far i've come already and why I should not use drinking as a crutch.
Amps are not a crutch to me, but most of them can make me entirely batshit. Even if they didn't, and them aside, anything that would make me prone to relapsing on opiates, benzos and alcohol, is not a good thing to play with or even utilize.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
It sounds like you are being really sensible about everything, Dex, and keeping it in perspective. I'm glad that you are where you are, too.(I must admit that I would probably feel better if you got rid of them altogether--come in useful for what?-- but that is just me). Stay careful. You have really developed your muscles for creating a different way of living--keep them toned!
Mariposa
Bluelight Crew
Thank you. Although you know I'm far from sainthood, there's no way I would disappear with someone's car like that. I am confident that you'll recover just fine from your bout with 3-FA; I wish you the best; take it easy and you should be fine
Vaya, thank you for your words as well.
You are a wonderful addition to TDS. *clinks glass of San Pellegrino*I saw my dude yesterday. Put simply, if there is alcohol, pot, or psychedelics around, he will find a way to do them. Since he is in legal trouble from an incident that occurred before I met him and it is a requirement of his mental health court program (oh wow, it has been interesting going to most of his court dates as moral support - another story altogether) for him to be sober, I don't feel OK drinking around him. I didn't go to his last court date because I was fuming about my car - usually, I take time off to go with him. He got an additional probation requirement for community service because he only went to 2 of 3 of his mandatory counseling sessions last week.
I've run a decent amount of interference on his behalf by meeting his PO and the judge several times. We all want him to get better. We know each others' friends and families. As I am not a tattletale and do not wish to see him get his (class A felony - convicted before I met him) charges reinstated, I decided to handle the matter privately. I messaged him last night that I have had it and that I need time to think. I needed all of two minutes to decide that there is not a future in my relationship with him. It is a shame, because we really did have something lovely. Everyone noticed how happy we made each other. I will be sad for awhile. He helped me get over my sadness from my split with my ex last fall. Now, I'm striking it out on my own. Alcoholism wouldn't be compatible with that. This is a serious double whammy.
RL, wow! You've made a tremendous amount of progress, shout-out to you for your insight. dragonslayer, likewise.
Although I still don't expect to be abstinent forever, I know that my tears will be more genuine if I can just let them out. Relaxing at home with the cat and a good meal sounds better than going to get shitfaced.
DexterMeth
Bluelighter
Thanks, and you're right. I was just on edge from taking way too much and redosing too often. There are surely better ways to go about using it, if ever. I don't really see a problem with using certain things correctly. The downside is that a single slip up could destroy oneself for years, if not ever.
Whenever I get the urge to drink now, I just remind myself, ya it would really relieve any tension I have right now, but there's no way I'll learn and grow from the experience if I get drunk. No thanks. Hell, I'll even convince myself that it's better to have more of a challenge.
Sepher
Bluelight Crew
Excellent post!
This is my difficulty. I've had such low esteem and such a distorted sense of my own worth, or lack thereof, being so used to the self-critical obsessive in me that seems only ever to be in two states: total apathy want to die despair, and raging at myself loud enough for the neighbours to hear for hours, and days at a time to the point I can't sleep for my own outbursts that I can't moderate my own internal monologue all that well. I can do it when I'm sober sure, when I put my mind to it being all calmly temperate reasonableness, sometimes suddenly seeming to remember all the good things I have in life and how proud of myself I am for having got here in the first place, with all the help of people who do love me and value me for who I am as much as what I am son/brother/partner-wise only for portents of future crisis and despondency to overwhelm me before anything's even shown its topsail coming up on the horizon. 8)I'm so damn good at talking myself down and making self-pitying excuses for my shittier behaviours that drinking / not drinking seems almost insignificant as part of the bigger picture. I know rationally that's complete bollox, obviously, and that's me rationalising my continuing desire to drink and kidding myself that I can relearn some kind of control when it's been amply demonstrated that 1) I don't like myself drunk, 2) Other people don't like me drunk and 3) the longer I continue to drink the less control I have over anything else in my life to the point of putting everything seriously at risk with just one more massive bender but still. Addict mind: Fucking useless piece of shit, get a grip FFS!
8) Been putting off CBT and some kind of talking cure therapy for long enough, not liking what came out last time I tried it, but gotta be done. Can't go on like this. I'm spiralling down into a despair that will either have me ending the whole sorry spectacle, over and done with, or just slowly drinking myself to an early grave.Anyways, enough of my self-indulgent whining . . .
Pleased for you man.
I can't get more than 2 or 3 days at the minute, only dreaming of the distant horizons of 9 days sober before running downstairs for another vodka and coke with a Stella chaser. 5 months off eh? But still it niggles away don't it, no matter how good and together you're feeling and just physically and mentally better in every way, that little small voice keeps niggling away, 'Good here innit, but wouldn't all this be even better with a drink inside you? A small one, obviously, no biggie, cos you know what? You deserve it, and probably got all that control you thought you should have back by now, surely? Come on, let's celebrate the 5 months off properly like normal people do.' Little shit, shut up with it already FFS! Damn good at being persuasive though eh? :lol: 8) Hope things go well for you. Getting back to 5 months, well, it's not even a full summer away.Massive accomplishment fella. You should be deservedly proud of yourself. Keep going.
That sucks Mariposa. Otherwise what's he like sober? The type to be horrified at his own reckless stupidity putting others at risk when he realises the only reason he remembers anything at all is because you'd been screaming at him about it long enough to prompt the flashbacks to the surface, or a bit more 'WTF, was nothing, no biggie, get over it already' before setting out all over again on the same path? Sometimes other people are mirrors to ourselves, and it's that recognition moment in reflection as we condemn or disapprove or WTF you dumb fuck of others choices that makes us most uncomfortable. It's a hard reality isn't it? So easy to soften it with a drink just to smooth out the edges. 8)
RedLeader
Bluelight Crew
Thank you!
Tomorrow will be 4 months since my last drink. Almost a year since the last time I was drunk enough for a hangover.
I have absolutely no desire to drink these days. Over my year getting sober, there were a few 1-4 drink relapses, but I think that's all out of my system, and unless the world actually does start to burn on December 21st, I don't plan on ever drinking again for the rest of my life. I handle alcohol at work without issue, I can go to bars for meals without issue. I actually feel GOOD telling people that I don't drink. I have never felt this strong and healthy in my life.
To anyone who does not think it gets better, trust me it does. I was as bad as anyone in this thread in the past, and I never thought I'd write stuff like above. Look at my dude blahman8000, too, as a very good example of how fast things can turn around.
Excellent post!
I taught a CBT class the last week I was in rehab (the facility would let graduates teach a class of their choice their last week if they wanted to), and I had this one man put his hand up near the end and say (i paraphrase): "Everything you've said makes great sense, and I'm sure it's very helpful. But none of it's helpful because I just want to die. I want to die. I don't want to do CBT. I want to die."
This is kind-of extreme, but there's more going on here than just this guy (not really) wanting to die. Because I like CBT, do I practice cognitive restructuring exercises before bed? No, I don't. Do I struggle with 'feeling too apathetic or skeptical to really dedicate myself to all of the details of it? Absolutely. And I think that's true for a lot of people too. Sure, CBT is a lot better than 12-step, but there's still a 'okay, cool, but seriously...?' component to it.
What I like about CBT, though, is that it's perfect for me to benefit, as a person and as a former addict, from teaching others about it. I love to talk about CBT, and I love to try my best to at least let it impression upon others, even if they don't do the little exercises. Would I feel good because someone "wants to be RL's sponsoree?" No, I don't desire any of that, but I love to help lost addicts know that this battle can be fought from many different angles.
We were talking about this in another thread, but I think being "that girl/guy in AA/NA who keeps getting all intellectual and psychological" is a very helpful role in trying to stay sober.
The problem with trying to rationalize your way out of an addiction is that addicts drink/use to numb pain and most rationalizations about what's really going on are kind of painful to digest. They are typically based on painful memories, and how continuing to use will cause more similar things to happen.
If I am drunk, people won't like me.
Why? Because, for example, I made an ass of myself at that party and people told me I was a fucking drunk loser.
::thinks about the party::
Man, I am a fucking loser. The drink just brought it out that night.
My heart is racing, I need a drink.
::drink:: (x 12)
I was saying this in another thread, but you need positivity to actually make sobriety work. You cannot stay sober by thinking "if I drink again, Bad Thing 1, Bad Thing 2, ..., will happen." You have to incorporate some positive things into your life, and look at it like "if I drink again, then Good Thing 1, Good Thing 2, ..., will be put in jeopardy."
Yes, I know that "Good Thing 1 not happening" could be "Bad Thing 1," sure, but again it's changing the thoughts in order to change the behaviours.
Beat Narrative
Bluelighter
thinking of opiates the moment i wake, substituting for wine and diazapan, relationship going down the toilet, i dont know how to be sober
i have this horrible anxiety every morning when i wake up and it just gets worse until alcohol or opiates enter my system, i then feel i am at least able to consider functioning with a degree of comfort
alchol is so much worse for me as you cant maintain that confident high for long without more grog, then ur visibly drunk. opiates are not an option but you can function on one dose and be as assimilating with society as anyone out there
arghh, wine almost drank, valium consumed by 4pm, i am not very good at life
i have this horrible anxiety every morning when i wake up and it just gets worse until alcohol or opiates enter my system, i then feel i am at least able to consider functioning with a degree of comfort
alchol is so much worse for me as you cant maintain that confident high for long without more grog, then ur visibly drunk. opiates are not an option but you can function on one dose and be as assimilating with society as anyone out there
arghh, wine almost drank, valium consumed by 4pm, i am not very good at life
DexterMeth
Bluelighter
Don't just learn to let go... actually let go.
"You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave... "
"Because wherever you go, there you are. "
"You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave... "
"Because wherever you go, there you are. "
Sepher
Bluelight Crew
Just had a look at SMART, not having come across them before, and I think that's definitely something I'm gonna give a good go at. They have a meeting every wednesday just a few miles down the road from me in Leeds city centre, and like what I've managed to read up on their approach so far. The problem I had with AA was partly the pseudo-spiritual angle, partly the one size fits all rigidity, but mainly the idea that I had to admit my powerless handing off my recovery to some 'Higher Power'. I'm responsible for my addiction, and I need to be equally responsible for my recovery. How are you meant to feel empowered by the positive changes you make as you move forward if you're handing the responsibility for any accomplishments away to some imaginary power outside of yourself? Doesn't make sense. The rational SMART approach emphasising my own responsibility for change providing the tools to enable that makes loads more sense to me.
Think this could be really useful for me. Cheers for the heads-up RL!
- Status