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Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

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4:30 a.m. and I wake up shaking like a shitting dog.

I thought last night after I'd had a few drinks and managed to eat that I had control over this shit. Turns out I was olnly feeling OK because of the alcohol in my system.

It's now 5 am and I'm mixing white wine with vodka to get me in a stable frame of mind. As stable as I can be when I'm on this fucking booze train. It tastes pretty disgusting, but I know from experience the vodka gives me the booze my body's craving and the wine calms me down a little bit.

I just wish there was some magic pill you could take and sleep for three or four days, wake up dextoxed and vow never to drink again. It sure isn't fun the realtionship I have with alcohol. It was fun for a good few years but somewhere down the line it has turned around is now something that I'm quite disgusted with myself for doing.

Last night as I was walking through town there was a homeless looking guy, who either had mental issues or was drunk/high and he was just stood in the street ranting at the sky/passers by. I worry that if I don't sort my drinking out I could end up in his shoes one day. :(
 
Went to NA yesterday. Seem like a really nice group and Im gonna go back there asap. I got a red tag, a hug, and loads of support. Hangin in there.
 
my worst enemy said:
Went to NA yesterday. Seem like a really nice group and Im gonna go back there asap. I got a red tag, a hug, and loads of support. Hangin in there.
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Awesome. I've been going to NA/AA for 8 years (haven't been clean that whole time, but have a lot of experience with it). I really feel as though they are some of the kindest and most interesting people I've ever had the pleasure of interacting with. It's really wonderful to hear that you had a positive first experience. There are times when, if I'm on really shaky ground, I may make as many as two or three meetings a day; I consider them hours of meditation and education. And as they say... "keep coming back."

Wanted to share something I heard in an AA meeting last night with you all. I like to think it applies to staying sober after initially getting sober. It was, "Always be on guard against the unguarded moment."

I think it's one of the most important things I've ever heard in AA as letting my guard down and then hitting an unguarded moment unpreparedly has been the leading cause for relapse in my life!

i hope everyone is well today. Love this thread.
<3

~ vaya
 
Yesterday and last night were really rough for me. Non-stop cravings for beer because of feeling really disturbed from my son taking our goldfish out of the tank and bludgeoning it to death with one of his toys (he's not even four yet, but still!) Went to a clothing exchange that had half gallon jugs of really good beer, in addition to champagne sitting out for anyone to drink as much of as they wanted, but I just had some water. Went to a club to hopefully dance but just thought about beer the whole time so I left.

Been over four weeks of sobriety. Glad I didn't give into the temptation to have just one beer. Now, it seems to be pride that is governing just to see that I can stay strong. BF and other friends support me, but seem to be sending mixed messages that it could be okay for me to be a social drinker. Just don't think I am ready for that yet.
 
Good call, munki. I don't think anyone else has the right to tell you that you have alcoholic tendencies; by the same token, others don't have the right to openly suggest (while you're maintaining sobriety, no less!) that you might not have alcoholic tendencies. You've got to make that admission for yourself, and it sounds like you're still firmly rooted in your desire to stay away from the booze.

Congratulations on staying away from it during those rough circumstances. It took a looooong fucking time for me to really "get" that shitty things and situations will still happen to me even though I'm not drinking or using. As you said, it probably came/comes down to my inflated pride - Thinking that life itself will alter its course just because I quit drinking! Such a silly notion...

Four weeks. :D
That's so great. Keep it up.

~ vaya
 
3 weeks without booze (or any drugs). I don't know if I can even enjoy getting drunk anymore if I tried. The thought of it just gives me a headache. I'll end up chugging vodka, getting bored and tired, and going to bed, then I'll just wake up feeling like absolute shit.

I've basically ruined substances for myself anyway. My liver can't handle anymore liquor or painkillers. I used to abuse stimulants so much that now, for some reason, I can't even take a sip of caffeine without feeling like my heart is going to explode for hours. Weed just makes me paranoid and upset. I've run out of "cures." My only choice anymore is to fully experience and deal with every negative thought and memory floating around in my head.
 
Sepher said:
Cheers Dexter. :) I'm feeling pretty positive at the minute though objectively speaking most outside observers would say I'm about in as bad a place as things have got so far, or back to as bad as they've been in the past anyways, whatever. I could get worse quite easily and I'm rebounding off the latest scare, which always gives a little boost to the motivation but doesn't always last long enough to make real changes, so I'm not investing too much in any one thing as yet, ya know?

I'm not one of those that knocks 12-Step just cos I didn't find it useful. I know it works for some and have seen the results. It's whatever works for you in this game, eh? ;) It's purely down to some kind of mind-set thing. I just hope SMART will work for me better, but I'm aiming to run lots of things in parallel this time, as I intended 12 months or so ago before the CBT counsellor I waited months to get in to see after asking my GP for a referral told me she couldn't help me develop the tools / skills I needed / wanted to help me beat the booze until I'd stopped drinking. WTF!? :banghead: Stupid! You can't treat cause and effect in isolation. You have to treat them both, surely? They disagreed, but hey, what do i know? I only live inside my own head and know what it looks like from in here, so have a bit of an inkling what it might need, ya know? :doh: 8)

I've been pretty productive though this week and aim to continue. Next step is seeing what the Addiction Unit have to offer apart from meds now that I've referred myself back to them. Just waiting for the appointment to come through. Step after that kinda depends what they have to offer counselling-wise, but I've got a plan, and I'm working it. Baby steps thing. Pretty damn pleased with myself, even though I'm drinking till such time as my plan comes together and I put a proper stop date in place.
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It's good to read things like this, especailly this part: "..I'm rebounding off the latest scare, which always gives a little boost to the motivation but doesn't always last long enough to make real changes, so I'm not investing too much in any one thing as yet, ya know?"
Too true. -Cheers
 
blahman8000 said:
3 weeks without booze (or any drugs). I don't know if I can even enjoy getting drunk anymore if I tried. The thought of it just gives me a headache. I'll end up chugging vodka, getting bored and tired, and going to bed, then I'll just wake up feeling like absolute shit.
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Isn't it nuts? By the end we were purchasing dysphoria compulsively!
Amazing news on 3 weeks, blah. It sounds very much like your head is continuing to clear up! =D
 
Obviously I'm glad that I can rationally choose not to drink, but a part of me almost wishes I could get the same euphoric effect from booze that I got those first few times, and during the fun party years of my life. I can't be like the other people my age and drink 6-10 beers and suddenly I'm in an energetic/fun/happy mood. I'm far beyond that now. I can't say to myself now, "Well, if it gets so bad that I can't handle it, at least I know booze will be there." There isn't that comfort like there used to be. Booze will do nothing but destroy my liver even more and make me feel tired and sick.

Quitting booze 3 weeks ago might have been the first smart decision I've made in years. I feel a lot better than I ever did when I was a drunk. The last remaining benefit I got out of alcohol was that it stopped me from thinking so much. I have major problems with obsessive and negative thought patterns, and it was relieving to remind myself that alcohol would always be there. Now it's not there, and I have my bad days. I have my bad recent memories that I would drink off my mind not long ago. Now I just sit here with them. Whether it's issues with myself, hopelessness over the future, disappointment in my life, anger towards past friends, pain over a girl I recently stopped speaking to, extreme anxiety over the mere presence of my family, etc. These things built up and instead of dealing with them, I drank and put them on a proverbial shelf. I never dealt with them so now it's all flooding back at once and I sit here with all of it. If I hadn't become a drunk, I'd imagine I would be in a much different place right now.
 
^
Now it's not there, and I have my bad days. I have my bad recent memories that I would drink off my mind not long ago. Now I just sit here with them.
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I have that too. Most, if not all of us who have gotten clean and/or sober know of this flood of emotions and thoughts. It was very intimidating at first, and if you're one with a lot of collateral damage from your addiction, then you get the emotional overflow right at the same time you come face-to-face with a lot of the consequences (I imagine for you that dealing with the news about your liver could have fit in here), which is frustrating timing.

It does get easier over time, though. As you continue to feel better physically and begin to collect things to live for, you'll realise that ultimately it's easiest to handle things with a clear head. Think about it - the first drink or two might have numbed it away, but after another 4 or 5 we're swimming around in our memories and playing the "what-if" game until we were in tears. The alcohol still made you think about the exact same thing, only the victim complex that comes along with that was somewhat comforting. When you start to regain your self-respect and dignity, you no longer want to play the victim, and when you give this up it can feel harder to take the problems head-on. And the mature way of handling life is often the most difficult, ya. But it's the better fight, and just knowing that you're fighting that good fight will help you sleep better, when the stuff would otherwise keep you up. It all really does start to fall into place.
 
I have mixed feelings about booze. In a way, I've been living a functional and relatively happy life for the past few years. I don't feel like a loser or like I'm throwing away my life. I have friends, hobbies, goals. I'm moderately successful in school and the work I do. I'm busy, I'm passionate and life really isn't all that bad.

When I'm in a 'wet' period, which is where I'm either drinking, hungover or craving, my focus is shit. I have a hard time studying. I just want to distract myself. I become more emotional and I'm unmotivated. The minute you tell me tonight drinks are involved, suddenly I'm doing the dishes, I'm getting my homework done and I'm whistling dixie. This is a problem. I just haven't experienced dire enough consequences to make myself stop. I somehow feel that as long as I'm meeting my minimum goals that it's OK to be getting wasted the rest of the time.
 
^Ya, it sounds like you already have a problem as well as know about it. Any excuse to rationalize it means you have a problem in my book. Ever since I've stopped drinking, I have no woke up bloody. That is good enough in my book.
 
New to forum, turning 23 next week and feeling quite down. Tried to quite drinking by smoking weed for a month, didn't quite work out as I'd hoped it would. I'm used to drinking 8-9 bottles of wine a week, depending on the week. Have just downed one bottle and 'am now sobering up on beer. Have been feeling really apathetic, depressed and quite suicidal for the past few months (been feeling like this before the weed too) just having hard time to find a reason to live on. Sorry about the shitty grammar, english is not my mother tongue, as you might have noticed.
 
joen said:
New to forum, turning 23 next week and feeling quite down. Tried to quite drinking by smoking weed for a month, didn't quite work out as I'd hoped it would. I'm used to drinking 8-9 bottles of wine a week, depending on the week. Have just downed one bottle and 'am now sobering up on beer. Have been feeling really apathetic, depressed and quite suicidal for the past few months (been feeling like this before the weed too) just having hard time to find a reason to live on. Sorry about the shitty grammar, english is not my mother tongue, as you might have noticed.
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Not trying to be a smartass, but beer doesn't sober you up. Drink water. If you're really concerned about your drinking and don't think you can successfully do it on your own, you should really try a hospital detox. I was a pretty heavy drinker (at least a liter of vodka a day), and I was very much against the idea of going to detox, but it's probably the best decision I ended up making in years. If you're definitely not willing to try detox, then tapering is obviously option B. Since you're on wine and nothing harder, cutting down gradually might work out well for you. Try 5-7 bottles of wine next week, and go from there.

Either way, drinking is obviously affecting the quality of your life, and it's not doing you any good. Apathy and depression are only the beginning. Booze will suck the life out of you if you let it, and it seems like it's already doing that to you. I guarantee you sobriety starts to feel pretty damn good after a while, and once you've got some time away from alcohol, you'll wonder why you bothered with that shit in the first place.
 
My personal record is probably 2-3 without a drink. First week feels pretty good, but after that depression and boredom kicks in and cravings begin.
 
Cyc said:
I have mixed feelings about booze. In a way, I've been living a functional and relatively happy life for the past few years. I don't feel like a loser or like I'm throwing away my life. I have friends, hobbies, goals. I'm moderately successful in school and the work I do. I'm busy, I'm passionate and life really isn't all that bad.

When I'm in a 'wet' period, which is where I'm either drinking, hungover or craving, my focus is shit. I have a hard time studying. I just want to distract myself. I become more emotional and I'm unmotivated. The minute you tell me tonight drinks are involved, suddenly I'm doing the dishes, I'm getting my homework done and I'm whistling dixie. This is a problem. I just haven't experienced dire enough consequences to make myself stop. I somehow feel that as long as I'm meeting my minimum goals that it's OK to be getting wasted the rest of the time.
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Wow, I'm in pretty much the same situation. I'm in a good environment living with my wonderful GF, I'm doing well in school ATM. In a lot of ways things are excellent, although I'm often anxious about the future (graduating in 3 quarters), which can sometimes trigger mild depression. However, alcohol has become my go-to drug to unwind with in the evening, in the absence of kratom. I can generally stay sober for most of the day but right around 7pm I feel that I should have something to cheer me up and remove my anxiety. In the last few weeks I've really been trying to rein in my drinking, since I can't hide how much I'm drinking and my GF's getting concerned. We've reached an agreement that she keeps me away from the alcohol and I'm allowed one night a week to indulge. I would like to think this will help.

The odd thing is that, unlike a lot of you, the more often I drink (in the evenings), the fewer side-effects I have. I don't get hangovers or morning-after anxiety any more, I don't black out, even after drinking a fifth of bourbon. I can sleep without waking up at 2am the way I used to. I know it's screwing me in the long run, but subjectively it feels so much less damaging than it did before I was a regular drinker. What can you guys suggest as a strategy for inserting some sober nights into my week?
 
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