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Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

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All the other times I've tried to sober up, there was this disappointment in the back of my mind, mulling over the fact that I'll never be able to enjoy alcohol again or drink like a normal person. I'll never be able to have another Friday or Saturday night where I can get buzzed with friends and then get back to a healthy life for the following week. But this time it's different. I don't want to get drunk anymore. Now I'm just glad I got all that drinking out of the way and I have a good reason not to touch it anymore. It's like I'm grateful to have been thrust into abstinence from alcohol (not having a choice at the time). Now that I've experienced sobriety and feel so much better (and I still have a while to go until I'm recovered from my health issues), I feel like I never want to put that poison into my body again. I don't want to get drunk again, I don't want to be hungover again, I don't want to puke up vodka again, I don't want to black out again, I don't want to act like a drunken asshole again, etc. With that garbage in the past, now I can focus on work, school, a good diet, sleeping well, exercising, making music, spending time with friends, and whatever else I want to do with my life. Alcohol took ALL of that away, and so much more. I no longer want to put anything in my body that will set me back or put my life on hold.

I went to an AA meeting last night. Didn't share but I listened. There are some people in there with decades of sobriety behind them, and they still keep coming. Hell, whatever keeps them away from the drink. They're an inspiration, and they know what they're talking about. I don't know if I can picture myself regularly attending meetings if and when I'm still sober 10 or 20 years from now, mainly because by then (and hopefully I won't ever relapse), I think I'll want to leave drugs and alcohol entirely in the past. If I'm remaining this focused and determined at turning my life around before I'm even one month sober, then I think after I have a few years under my belt, sobriety will feel less like a challenge and more like my true way of life.
 
Hey folks, just dropin thru been on a bit of a B/l holiday from posting lots anyway... Have been doing fine.... Untill about 5 hours ago... Theres lots of stress going on today i have crossed town twice, Bear Griles style in pouring rain and severe weather warning, Had no choice & the missions were not ones that were of light undertaking.
So 9 days sober, slip up, Wake up for another 9-10 14 i couldnt be fucked counting anymore.. Long story short after a bad day theres a bottle of wine in the cupboard.. had one only, intened to use the majority to make a nice nap sauce, Just kinda pissed @ myself that i trigger like dat, Im still in controll, in fact im gonna go to a NA meeting tonite (AA unaccessable for me atm) But FUCK!! i have a handle on shit, i realise that I im in control of MY emotions, but yet again have failed to reach the goal of "im not drinking for the moment".
Even if just one:(
Oh yeah its severely storming outside but rain hail or shine.. I'm tryin real fuckin hard to take positive steps.
 
DexterMeth said:
I could have used a drink last night or this morning, in lue of an unexpected 3-FA binge I went on yesterday. I lucky thought about you guys and used some foresight and didn't go completely out of control, killing my whole stash. Packed the rest up today and put it away. I decided against flushing it because it could actually be useful someday when I have things more under control.

I'm glad I went through that last night and feeling a little edgy this morning because of it, and lack of sleep (only got 4 hours, but at least I stayed asleep for a full 4 hours instead of waking up ever 1-2). It was a good test and reminder to myself about how far i've come already and why I should not use drinking as a crutch.

Amps are not a crutch to me, but most of them can make me entirely batshit. Even if they didn't, and them aside, anything that would make me prone to relapsing on opiates, benzos and alcohol, is not a good thing to play with or even utilize.
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Wow, I had a very similar experience this weekend. On Thursday I went to my doctor and asked him about this drug I had read about, Modafinil (provigil). Apparently I had not read enough about it. Anyway, I'd heard it was this wonder chemical that boosted cognition and energy, while not having any of the negative effects of stimulant drugs, mood swings, anxiety, impaired motor function. Basically it was supposed to be a stimulant without any of the side effects.

Let me tell you what it really is, all the side effects without any of the stimulant.

I took it Friday morning and the best way I can describe it is that it made me feel like I had just come down from using a lot of cocaine. I was strung out, depressed, totally impaired cognitive ability, generally uncomfortable with simply being alive. I couldn't even put together the thoughts to have a simple conversation. A friend called me who I hadn't talked to in a long time and I could barely spurt out awkward and idiotic statements, like a robot in the process of breaking down. This conversation only left me feeling even more depressed. I had no interest in anything, not even doing work. The best I could do was to occupy myself with menial tasks to try and keep my mind off of itself. This lasted all day, as in about 18 hours. Being stupid I took it again the next day, and the next, each time in different dosages. I had read so many positive reports on the drug that I thought I must have just been doing something wrong. But no, every day was the same horrible experience. I woke up today with the great feeling that I will never take this drug again.

Ok so how does this relate to alcoholism. Well, stimulants are a huge trigger for me and drinking, and even worse, for opiates. Sometimes even a cup of coffee, usually later in the day, will put me in a I-have-to-drink-immediately mindset. I had many a relapse simply based on this sudden anxiety. This sucks in particular because if I'm going to mess up all the work that went into those days and nights sober, I should at least momentarily enjoy the experience. Instead I end up slamming down drinks just to stop the anxiety. It's makes for a bad night, a worse morning, and worst of all a total setback for all that sober effort.

So anyway, it was a weekend from hell, but I resisted the urge to drink and I am now still two weeks sober, and seven months clean from opiates.
 
Hey folks. I've been reading along but no comments on my side.

I have not been able to get 1 day sober for a month. Nightly I drink and call it quits with a "mere" 2-4 beers. Classy.

(I have been able to adhere to "no irish whiskey". Win?)

Got in a fight (physical) last night with my roommate/ex-boyfriend. Busted a vein, but it's healing well.

He's working and I bought a tall Guinness. In the name of harm reduction I thought I could keep it at the one, though I'm thinking about hitting the supermarket again :(

It's only a few beers and it's only at night. But oh the obsession/craving. :(

By posting in here with alcohol in my veins, I feel like I'm speaking at an AA meeting even after I've had a drink. (Read: Not cool.) Thanks for listening.
 
I got through the night with just the 1. A small success.

Cravings set in an hour ago (it happens at 3:30 p.m. daily), distracting myself with Piracetam & Coffee.
 
Keep it up, mami. It's a tough road but in the end, sobriety is more than worth it. I had some cravings earlier today, but I've worked too hard and come too far to throw it all away now.

Just keep yourself busy. If you have to, put yourself in a position where drinking isn't even an option. Put on some headphones and go for a long walk. Go to the library and discover a new author. Hell, maybe even check out an AA meeting, even if it's just to kill some time. One thing that really helped my cravings is ice cold water (seriously, COLD) and a lot of food. For some reason, eating a lemon or having some very spicy food really hit the spot and took my mind off drinking.
 
^Hey Blahman, check you out! Compared to where you were even just a coupla months ago you seem a world away? It's not so much to do with what it is you've been writing of late ( though certainly that too ) it's your tone. Different energy altogether. I'm so pleased for you man. Seriously! :D

mami said:
Nightly I drink and call it quits with a "mere" 2-4 beers. Classy.

(I have been able to adhere to "no irish whiskey". Win?)

. . . . .

I got through the night with just the 1. A small success.
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Yup Mami, I know that one. I tried a no vodka rule too, just sticking to a coupla beers. I tried a no drinking through the week rule so as to kid my boss I was doing ok, to the point that I'd deliberately get a bit too close when we were sat in his office discussing our latest project so he could tell there was no booze on my breath ( How fucked up is that? It's mental FFS? :lol: 8) ) but weekends I could have a blow-out for one night only. I've tried all kinds of rules. None of them worked cos in the end they were all rationalisations that let me keep on drinking, despite me knowing for a fact it would end in a massive crash and that I just have to stop, simple as.

That's not to say little victories aren't important or you're doing it wrong. That's just me and where I'm at. Obviously all depends where you're at. If you're at a stage with the drinking where you're still able to relearn some kinda control then great, keep at it. Baby steps are still steps forward, so long as you keep on walking in the one direction. So long as you're being honest with yourself I wish you well, but you must be honest with yourself. Has it just been this last month drinking every day, or is this just a.n.other run on the booze that's part of a pattern for instance?

Anyways, as per my previous post, tomorrow I'm off to my first SMART Recovery meeting. Yessiree, I'm definitely going. Absolutely, positively going. I've confirmed it's taking place at the venue indicated on their website at 6pm so nothing can possibly go wrong. If I've not updated this thread with first impressions by . . . oh . . . 9pm or so take it as read I'm hanging my head in shame somewhere. I'm reluctant to call you guys my higher power or anything like that, so I shall think of you as my 'Big Stick!' Ha! ;)
 
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^ Hey sepher, good luck at the Smart Recovery meeting---I wish that those would catch on more so that they were really a viable alternative for people. Here in my town there is only one per week in one location.<3
 
Sepher said:
I'm reluctant to call you guys my higher power or anything like that, so I shall think of you as my 'Big Stick!' Ha! ;)
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"Higher power" does not come into play at SMART meetings. Instead of making people feel powerless to God and powerless to alcohol, those meetings empower people to, you know, make the changes on their own. :gasp: I know, what heathens! 8o

The closest SMART meeting to me is about an hour away. Not realistic for me to attend. I should research how easy it would be for me to start my own chapter.

Do let us know how it goes, though. I'm actually really looking forward to hearing from you tomorrow night.
 
I can't stop fucking drinking. Maybe I'm just weak willed. This shit sucks :(

Anyway the SMART recovery thing sounds interesting, but I know a few good guys that go to AA and have been going for years. I just wonder if they would frown upon it. I'm all for doing whatever it takes to get well again, apart from I can't stop myself from drinking!

I seem to have reall difficulty in coping with eating, sleeping, emotional stability (I sit and cry in private!) withough medicating myself with alcohol. It's really hard to fucking put this stuff down and say no. I dunno man, I'm just a mess once you add alcohol into the equation.

I know there are more powerful and addictive drugs out there that can mess with your mind but it seems to me that alcohol is a beast because it leaves you so bloody dependant on it: from the shakes to depression, to just needing it when you wake up to get started with your day. I'm just having a rant but I wish the stuff had never existed at the moment ;(
 
i have spent all week talking about substance abuse at TAFE (uni for people who didn't do so well at school first time around)and harm reduction and ways of helping people resolve them

i am pretty much the main contributer in group discussioms

at the end of each day i grab 4 beers just for the train ride home to tie me over before i can get wine, weed and valium

i am so full of shit it actually made me punch myself in the face today

my aim is to one day contribute in a positive way to this thread as opposed to pure venting
 
Right, update as promised:

I did go to SMART tonight, though after being up last night till gone 3a.m. posting on here and knocking back the booze I was pretty tired at work and could quite easily have cried off. Not just tiredness TBH. I was ready for a drink by 5p.m. after spending most of the day smelling and tasting last night's vodka on me, but having committed myself to going on here I'd have felt a twat if I'd not gone so that little piece of mental trickery there worked as intended! :)

Wasn't entirely what I expected having spent most of yesterday afternoon trawling through the resources / materials on the American site ( The UK one is very limited by comparison and still very much under construction I think? ) in that it wasn't quite as structured as I'd imagined. There were no materials available as such for instance, the two co-facilitators just having an agenda of tonight's main topics. Quick go round the room with everyone updating on what had been happening with them the last week or two, so a quick intro about where I'm at booze / work / relationship / home-wise, then onto a good, free-flowing and open discussion on things like consequences, rewards, self-forgiveness, those being some of the topics for tonight.

Pretty mixed group as far as an all-white group of 30-something plus addicts can be I guess? :? :lol: All alcoholics as far as I could tell, some very much on the edge fighting ( and occasionally losing ) the daily battle, some more long term abstinent, every single one of them being out of work and on benefits thanks to the booze, so a sobering example there as far as my own hanging-by-a-thread job goes. Lots of them clearly in touch outside the group so strong support network there I think, a few of them people I could see myself getting on with pretty well, some less so.

Dunno if SMART is gonna be quite the alternative to CBT / talking cure type therapies I anticipated so I think I need to put that in place to run alongside and use the group more as a support network / discussion / ideas forum but on the whole a good meeting with no mumbo-jumbo, no war stories, no constantly referring to a 'Big Book' as though that's the one-size-fits-all solution to everyone's problems, what was discussed feeling properly constructive at least and I felt good joining in and contributing, unlike my previous experience of that other group. ;) Will deffo go again next week and see what develops.
 
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Cool man. It's obvious that there's more than one way to tackle a problem, and AA might not be for everyone.

I still haven't really slept properly, but I had a fairly chilled out day today so I'm hoping that I can get three or four hours sleep tonight and will be a slightly better man tomorrow. Hopefully. I have had a few drinks but I have eaten loads today and feel a bit better within myself. When I drink I do myself no favours by not eating properly for a day or two and I think that's why it makes me feel so manic sometimes.

What I really came here to ask though is do you, or anyone else, know of a book that details how alcohol affects your brain?I believe that somke of my problems stem from having alcoholic parents but I also have a hedonistic streak in me and it would be interesting if I could pick up a book on Amazon that would help me understand what the alcohol is doing to the GABA receptors in my brain etc etc. I was never much good at biology in school (more of a Math's and Electronics student) but it would be interesting to know what alcohol is slowly doing to my brain.
 
Thanks for sharing Sepher! I'm glad you went afterall. I myself definitely prefer SMART to AA/NA. Someone like me does not need to hear war stories. If I wanted to hear those, I'd go back to rehab (for the thousandth time) or live on the streets again, and share cigs. No thx... but that's just me.

I know plenty of people in which AA/NA is the better option.

CBT is a different bag all together. Not a bad mix of things you're doing at all Seph.
 
LaserHosen said:
Cool man. It's obvious that there's more than one way to tackle a problem, and AA might not be for everyone.

I still haven't really slept properly, but I had a fairly chilled out day today so I'm hoping that I can get three or four hours sleep tonight and will be a slightly better man tomorrow. Hopefully. I have had a few drinks but I have eaten loads today and feel a bit better within myself. When I drink I do myself no favours by not eating properly for a day or two and I think that's why it makes me feel so manic sometimes.

What I really came here to ask though is do you, or anyone else, know of a book that details how alcohol affects your brain?I believe that somke of my problems stem from having alcoholic parents but I also have a hedonistic streak in me and it would be interesting if I could pick up a book on Amazon that would help me understand what the alcohol is doing to the GABA receptors in my brain etc etc. I was never much good at biology in school (more of a Math's and Electronics student) but it would be interesting to know what alcohol is slowly doing to my brain.
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Check out Under the Influence: http://www.amazon.com/Under-Influence-Guide-Realities-Alcoholism/dp/0553274872

It gets pretty deep into it, but it's a very detailed explanation of how alcohol affects the brain and how one becomes an alcoholic. Some of it is actually pretty daunting. Reading some mere excerpts from this book was a huge wake up call for me.
 
Nice one. Thank you.

I think I'm aware of some of the damage I have done (my short-term memory is very poor) so it looks like an interesting read.
 
I agree. I can hardly leave the house. Saw my psych today and he upped my clonazepam to 2mgs 3 times a say and lowered my xanax to 2mg 2-3 times as needed and is switching me to prozac from Paxil. Kept my lyrica the same.

Previously I was on, paxil, 60mg, .2 clonidine 2 times a day and 300 mg of lyrica twice a day.

I've been seeing this doc now for 3 weeks and I couldnt't be happier. P.S. Obama Sucks :)
 
DexterMeth said:
Thanks for sharing Sepher! I'm glad you went afterall. I myself definitely prefer SMART to AA/NA. Someone like me does not need to hear war stories. If I wanted to hear those, I'd go back to rehab (for the thousandth time) or live on the streets again, and share cigs. No thx... but that's just me.

I know plenty of people in which AA/NA is the better option.

CBT is a different bag all together. Not a bad mix of things you're doing at all Seph.
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Cheers Dexter. :) I'm feeling pretty positive at the minute though objectively speaking most outside observers would say I'm about in as bad a place as things have got so far, or back to as bad as they've been in the past anyways, whatever. I could get worse quite easily and I'm rebounding off the latest scare, which always gives a little boost to the motivation but doesn't always last long enough to make real changes, so I'm not investing too much in any one thing as yet, ya know?

I'm not one of those that knocks 12-Step just cos I didn't find it useful. I know it works for some and have seen the results. It's whatever works for you in this game, eh? ;) It's purely down to some kind of mind-set thing. I just hope SMART will work for me better, but I'm aiming to run lots of things in parallel this time, as I intended 12 months or so ago before the CBT counsellor I waited months to get in to see after asking my GP for a referral told me she couldn't help me develop the tools / skills I needed / wanted to help me beat the booze until I'd stopped drinking. WTF!? :banghead: Stupid! You can't treat cause and effect in isolation. You have to treat them both, surely? They disagreed, but hey, what do i know? I only live inside my own head and know what it looks like from in here, so have a bit of an inkling what it might need, ya know? :doh: 8)

I've been pretty productive though this week and aim to continue. Next step is seeing what the Addiction Unit have to offer apart from meds now that I've referred myself back to them. Just waiting for the appointment to come through. Step after that kinda depends what they have to offer counselling-wise, but I've got a plan, and I'm working it. Baby steps thing. Pretty damn pleased with myself, even though I'm drinking till such time as my plan comes together and I put a proper stop date in place.
 
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