Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

[RedLeader]

And then having finally admitted it, we have to creep back with our tail between our legs and say: 'OK, you were right. I need help. Now please help me.' Not an easy thing to do by any stretch!

No, never easy.

It still isn't easy for me. I'll tell family friends, doctors, people in their circles,..about my heroin addiction and it feels good to talk about it. Same with my benzo abuse. Same with my years out-of-control in the club scene.

But I still was only drinking to help me sleep. Or occasionally to relieve my social anxiety (yep, the housecats triggered my social anxiety ). I can admit it on BL, but still not really in person.

That seems so backwards. I am more confident with my heroin addiction than my alcohol addiction?

Honestly, I think I just don't want to own up to all of the bad choices I made under the influence of alcohol. Don't get me wrong...my heroin days saw me do some really twisted things, but none of that reverberates through my insecurities the way that my stupid actions due to alcohol still do. I'm really ashamed of some of the things I did while drunk.

We through that line around at rehab a lot. That despite having done tons of different drugs, alcohol was the common denominator in our most embarrassing memories. Seriously, alcohol sucks.

 

[Dark Ambience]

^^ I agree.

I am in my twenties, but I'm glad I am nipping it in the bud now. Tomorrow I will be 1 week free of alcohol.

Been a few sleep disturbances, and I have been suplementing with sparkling water & lime juice cordial (recommend). Overall, I feel a lot more clear headed.. Its been creeping for a long time for me.. a lot of things were irking me in my life, but I would just drink to forget about them and move on dissatisfied.. Since I quit, it has meant falling out with one friend who I have discovered is actually not someone I want in my life anymore. When I don't drink, I'm more in tune with myself and am not afraid to speak up for my beliefs.. when I do, however, I let people walk all over me and continually try to 'fix relationships' when I'm drinking.. somehow I'll make issues that aren't even my fault seem like my fault when I'm intoxicated.

Alcohol has been a contributing factor to behaviours that robbed me of a lot over the years.. and particulary like ppl say here, I've done some really embarassing stuff under the influence. The problem I found was - the more stuff I had done to make myself feel ashamed and self loathing, the more I would drink to 'cover it up'.. I've had a wake up call now.. and I hope it lasts - if I want to get the most out of life, accept the past and have a clear future, alcohol must go. I will see where I'm at in a month, but even then I doubt I will trust myself to just have that 'one drink'. The best coping mechanism is to face fears and stressors head on.. using alcohol as a coping mechanism only provides temporary relief. I doubt being sober will entirely deflate anyones issues, but it sure helps accept them and move on from them. I hope this hasn't been too preachy, I'm just saying it how it is

 

[RedLeader]

^ Just to clarify, when I had "a few drinks" spaced out over the year after I quit habitual drinking, these weren't to "test and see if I could just have one." They were all very bad days that I was having, and could be viewed as "relapses I quickly stopped." To be honest, I don't really label them as anything because it's not really going to affect me today if I think of them one way or another. I'm just glad that I didn't let them get out of control.

A month is a dangerous time, and if you are feeling a lot better (which I suspect), don't try and play with fire thinking you can be a social drinker. Think about it rationally. You remove something from your life and start to feel significantly better. Why the hell would you want to turn that car around? Sure, some people can transition to social drinkers after some sober time, but would you really want to test to see if you are one of them? You've failed similar test over and over and over. We all have. The odds just aren't in our favour.

 

[Sepher]

It still isn't easy for me. I'll tell family friends, doctors, people in their circles,..about my heroin addiction and it feels good to talk about it. Same with my benzo abuse. Same with my years out-of-control in the club scene.

But I still was only drinking to help me sleep. Or occasionally to relieve my social anxiety (yep, the housecats triggered my social anxiety ). I can admit it on BL, but still not really in person.

That seems so backwards. I am more confident with my heroin addiction than my alcohol addiction?

I've been thinking some more on this, cos I know exactly where you're coming from with it, and think I know why that is.

With drugs like Heroin or benzos, we have a physical mechanism to blame for our addiction and loss of control. It's out of our hands. The element of choice has been removed from us as far as the physical mechanism of addiction itself is concerned ((( though we retain the choice as to whether we're prepared to do something about it, obviously, but that is something different entirely. ))) And of course, most people would tend to see abuse of those drugs negatively anyways, so it's not like you're admitting to anything that's at odds with their experience or expectations anyways.

Alcohol is entirely different for those like us who do not have a physical dependency. Our addiction is entirely a mental compulsion to drink, one that we should have control over, like other people who have not succumbed to alcoholism. Our inability to do that is seen as weakness by others, and felt as weakness by ourselves. That's what makes it harder to admit: the fact that we are so weak, and so powerless over it. That's why we remain in denial so long.

 

[Beat Narrative]

wine seems to be my only anxiety cure at the moment, drinking at least two bottles a day on top of at least 6 beers. I hate when i get in this cycle of curing my hangovers with more grog and so on and so on, developing habits i know are dangerous and i am concious it needs to cease, so why do i keep doing it? Because i am a fucking useless prick, the realisation of problem drinking is when my self loathing as opposed to attempts at self improvement begin

 

[blahman8000]

I just took a shot of cheap vodka, then immediately spit it out and threw up. It was quite possibly the worst vomiting experience of my life. The taste of vodka is honest to god intolerable.

Then I took another shot and managed to chase it. It's 11:18 AM.

Jesus fucking Christ...

 

[SubDude]

I just took a shot of cheap vodka, then immediately spit it out and threw up. It was quite possibly the worst vomiting experience of my life. The taste of vodka is honest to god intolerable.

Then I took another shot and managed to chase it. It's 11:18 AM.

Jesus fucking Christ...

I've also been a morning drinker but have been able to get away from that.... it was to cure hangovers which I rarely get now.

It's nearly 2pm here and I'm already wishing it was 5pm so I could mix it up. That's about the only control I have which is waiting till 5-6pm unless something is going on. I'm also able to keep it to 3/4 of a pint most days. I know this because I pour 12 oz in a measure cup and have something ready to eat when I get done... For some reason I don't care much about drinking more after I eat. Anyway, I tell myself a pint is too much, but 3/4 is ok. How pathetic is that?

 

[RedLeader]

With drugs like Heroin or benzos, we have a physical mechanism to blame for our addiction and loss of control. It's out of our hands. The element of choice has been removed from us as far as the physical mechanism of addiction itself is concerned ((( though we retain the choice as to whether we're prepared to do something about it, obviously, but that is something different entirely. ))) And of course, most people would tend to see abuse of those drugs negatively anyways, so it's not like you're admitting to anything that's at odds with their experience or expectations anyways.

I agree with the part about others seeing them negatively. I do not, however, agree with you on alcoholism being completely mental, since I was pretty-well physically hooked on the stuff too. True, it wasn't that *need* that you get with heroin, but nonetheless the physical cravings were definitely a big part of it.

I think you make a good point about admitting to something that other people are better able to control. A lot of people will tell you things like "I know I can never do heroin because I'd get hooked for sure" and society deems that *smart thinking.* However, if a person said the exact same thing about a drink or two at the bar, society would think of that as a little silly. And something like "silly" is probably not the word a self-hating, miserable alcoholic wants applied to himself.

 

[polymath]

I just took a shot of cheap vodka, then immediately spit it out and threw up. It was quite possibly the worst vomiting experience of my life. The taste of vodka is honest to god intolerable.

Then I took another shot and managed to chase it. It's 11:18 AM.

Jesus fucking Christ...

When I've been drinking heavily for several days, I note that alcohol starts to taste bad, like its stale or somethin... I also can't eat anything at that point because the same stale taste seems to be in food too.

 

[Sepher]

I do not, however, agree with you on alcoholism being completely mental, since I was pretty-well physically hooked on the stuff too. True, it wasn't that *need* that you get with heroin, but nonetheless the physical cravings were definitely a big part of it.

Fair enough. I went to the addiction unit, went through the liver function test, and the assessment as to whether I needed treatment, the doc telling me I'd probably need a Thiamine jab and benzos and all the rest of it cos I was almost certainly physically dependent, but after they'd conducted all the tests he concluded that surprisingly, given the length of time I'd been abusing and the amount I'd been drinking daily I could not be said to be physically dependent in an objectively measurable way. Doesn't change the fact I crave it in every fibre of my being too when I'm denied it, in a way that does manifest itself physically, but that doesn't seem to be the same as a physical dependency. I still think it's primarily mental, but this is the difficulty. There are so many grey areas with booze, that again makes the addiction very different to that we have had to heroin, which is very much more cut and dried. It makes it so much harder to beat because there are waaaaay too many parallel components in need of treatment.

I just took a shot of cheap vodka, then immediately spit it out and threw up. It was quite possibly the worst vomiting experience of my life. The taste of vodka is honest to god intolerable.

Then I took another shot and managed to chase it. It's 11:18 AM.

Jesus fucking Christ...

Blahman? Been there, done that. Cheap vodka is my poison too. If I can't manage it for breakfast I settle for Stella, the king of beers! 8) Puking it right back up cos your body can't even contemplate having it inside it is a sure sign of alcohol poisoning I think. I know it only too well, and brain thinks it's in charge, but body knows best. Haven't done that for a while, so maybe half a step forward there. Baby steps mate, baby steps.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I have been sober for 2.5 days. That is the longest I've gone without a drink in many many months. I had a very helpful yet very distressing session with my therapist last night, I was craving alcohol really badly and we did some mindfulness meditation and really challenged the craving. The panic I felt during meditation was intense, overwhelming, almost to the point where I had to ask my therapist to stop. But eventually the panic and the craving began to slowly subside, until at the end of the session it was gone. I was even able to drive home without any craving and without being triggered to stop to buy alcohol at the bottle shops I passed on the way home (as I usually do). I'm glad I persisted and didn't ask my therapist to stop the session, because now I KNOW that cravings and the associated anxiety do indeed subside if you ride them out.

I have resigned to the fact that planning to be sober for x amount of days (and therefore setting myself up for failure, as I have done a million times in the past), or to aim for total sobriety in x period of time is totally unrealistic for me at this stage. I now realise and accept that I need to just take it one day at a time.

 

[munki]

I have been drinking every day for at least the past couple years (with a rare day break here and there). During the week, I try to limit myself to four beers a night, because that seems to be the magic number for not being hungover the next day, but on the weekends I don't have my son, (twice a month) I get into full-on bender mode where I go out, drink all night, stay up till 6 or 7 in the morning, sleep a few hours and start drinking beer as soon as I wake up which continues until the next day. On my bender weekends, I don't eat very much, if at all, though during my "moderate" weeks I eat pretty healthy, drink a lot of water, sleep well, etc. Time blurs in alcoholic euphoria on those weekends, though on the mondays afterwards I usually feel like I really toxified myself, feel really dehydrated, sick, lethargic, fuzzy headed, depressed.

My boyfriend has repeatedly expressed concern about my drinking. Last night he said sometimes it seems like I like beer more than him. He also called me out for my "excessive" drinking, even though it was a "moderate" night. I got angry at that comment and so drank a 5th beer in retaliation. I know I have had a problem with alcohol on and off for at least 18 years. In the past I went through at least five years of rarely drinking at all, so I know I am capable of being sober. I dunno what is really triggering the benders though; when I had my issues in the past I never went on benders.

He kind of put it out there that I have to try to sober up or he in't interested in being with me because of my self-destructive behavior. Have been stewing on that all day today, on the verge of tears. I know its horrible for my mind and health, I know it affects my ability to be a good mother sometimes. I feel like a functional alcoholic but don't know how to stop. Can't seem to stop buying beer; I get anxious when the fridge has only two beers in it! I love going out dancing, but it seems to be alcohol fueled most of the time, even though I know I can dance sober.

There are five beers in the fridge now. Really want those to be the last five beers.

 

[VanWeyden]

^^thats great neo, you should be proud. I realized that counting clean time or setting goals like "I want to stay clean for at least..." is pointless, especially the second. Either you don't make it and feel guilty or you reach the date and celebrate it with a bender. It is always one moment at a time. What happens happens, another day is another game and failure is, although painful, not the end of the world, as long as you keep standing up again
Once in a while I think about how long it's been since I used the last time and then I'm like "wow, that long? Really? Didn't seem so."

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Thank you VanWeyden It is very encouraging to hear from sober people like yourself, especially those with long-term sobriety.

He kind of put it out there that I have to try to sober up or he in't interested in being with me because of my self-destructive behavior. Have been stewing on that all day today, on the verge of tears. I know its horrible for my mind and health, I know it affects my ability to be a good mother sometimes. I feel like a functional alcoholic but don't know how to stop.

munki, hun, to me this doesn't sound like you're a functional alcoholic at all. It sounds like it's beginning to negatively affect your relationship, your parenting abilities and your health. You mentioned in your post when you "had your issues in the past". If you don't mind me asking, what were those issues? (you totally don't have to talk about it if you're not comfortable doing so). Is there a chance you didn't really effectively deal with those issues, and there is some lingering anxiety/trauma from your past that you're trying to escape?
Also, a question that my therapist has asked me many times: What would you be doing if you weren't drinking? Is there some kind of hobby or activity you wish you were able to do on the weekends, if you were sober? Is your drinking impeding your ability to achieve something? Just something to think about, I guess...

 

[Sepher]

During the week, I try to limit myself to four beers a night, because that seems to be the magic number for not being hungover the next day, but on the weekends I don't have my son, (twice a month) I get into full-on bender mode where I go out, drink all night, stay up till 6 or 7 in the morning, sleep a few hours and start drinking beer as soon as I wake up which continues until the next day. On my bender weekends, I don't eat very much, if at all, though during my "moderate" weeks I eat pretty healthy, drink a lot of water, sleep well, etc. Time blurs in alcoholic euphoria on those weekends, though on the mondays afterwards I usually feel like I really toxified myself, feel really dehydrated, sick, lethargic, fuzzy headed, depressed.

That's me exactly when I'm trying to manage and failing. Do my best to be good through the week, go all out mad on a weekend. I've moved on a little ways since then. Not much though. Still up at 4am posting on the internets on a school night when I have to be up at 8. I have nothing much constructive to say right now. Just wanted you you to know someone heard ya. Will come back to this.

I have been sober for 2.5 days. That is the longest I've gone without a drink in many many months.

. . . . .

I have resigned to the fact that planning to be sober for x amount of days (and therefore setting myself up for failure, as I have done a million times in the past), or to aim for total sobriety in x period of time is totally unrealistic for me at this stage. I now realise and accept that I need to just take it one day at a time.

N3o, that's great. Baby steps are still steps, eh? The not setting goals thing is the way forward I think. I can't do plans beyond the here and now either. It's setting myself up to fail doing that too, so yeah, absolutely, we're sometimes our own worst enemy as far as trying to win when we have set such unrealistic goals for ourselves is concerned. Best policy is 'I'm not gonna give in right now', and do it hour by hour, minute by minute if that's what it takes. So fucking hard doing even that much. Proud of you! Doing better than me! Just soooo wish I could follow my own advice.

Oh. I fell off me wagon BTW. Obviously. Lasted about 3 days.

 

[S.M.F.G]

Shit.... after reading this page thru, I now realise that i havnt been without a drink in weeks, which makes me full of shit, as ive been denying my drinks and sayin i havnt been doin it
I can have two satnderds or eight to ten depending on the level of stress.
WTF? how? why? im on my way outta here and come in here and something clicks.
Oh yea i also got stuck on xanax take 6 mg a day now perscribed for anxiety , panic attacks. My diet is shit ive come to the end of the road.
How am i gonna tackle this? i dunno where to even start, can get thru till midday/ afternoon most days some im into it by 10am. Just cant bielieve this shit coulda grabbed me like this

 

[RedLeader]

^ Mate, having been in a similar place before, the best working advice I can give you is to phase the drinking out before the benzos. Once before I have been in a situation where I tried to drink my way through acute benzo withdrawal (it was Xanax too), and this can get seriously sketchy. If you've got the humility, I'd ask your/a doctor about a taper schedule if you really feel physically dependent on these substances. Otherwise, again I think it tends to go better quitting the drinking first.

n3o - Are you still doing the triathlons? I know that exercise is probably the best healthy replacement addiction I know of for myself, and I was just wondering where you're at right now along those lines. 2.5 days (probably closer to 3 now...it better be ) is great! I am very proud of you. I *promise* you that the visceral/physical cravings really do shy away if you stick with the sobriety for a while. And the counting of the days, though it seems automatic at first, stopped for me around 20. Seriously, though, I look back two years or so ago, in this thread and in PMs, when we would talk with each other about our drinking abuse, and at that time I always thought that you had a better chance of beating it than I did. And maybe I am just trying to tell you that if I of all people could pull this off, you really can too. It gets tougher before it gets better, sure, but it gets even better after it gets better, and even better better after...you get the point. You get so used to all of the self-doubt, the defeatist thinking, the anxiety and the terror, than you don't realise just how much of that is inextricably linked with the alcohol. And there's only one way to really figure out that's true. You know what it is, and I know you can do it. I know you got this!

 

[Beat Narrative]

i really need to stop drinking, it seems like its impossible though, it seems to be the first thing i think of when i wake up and i am virtually drinking steadily all day

i am a very placid drunk so no one close to me can really tell how much i am drinking or do not see it as being a problem as they have no idea the amount i consume

i used to think it was ok for me to drink as much as i do because i can maintain controlled behaviour no matter how much i consume, but i am developing physical addiction, today was the first time i noticed myself trembling a little, then once the first beer entered into my system i felt healthy again

i know i need to stop but really don't know what steps to take, if i am open and honest about it with my family and partner it will just worry them and i have previously attended a counsellor but it was not beneficial to me

i grew up attending AA meeting with my mum (it did her no good as she drank herself to death) maybe i should swallow my pride and attend one but i am apprehensive about it, i have been surrounded by both my parents and their friends who all seem to go to GA/NA/AA, i thought i had learnt enough from them but obviously not

i know its up to me to make the steps to get the help, have other peole found 12 step programs to be beneficial?

i am just a stubborn idiot but i am also frightened that i have become the person i vowed never to become

i know the answer to all this is that i should grow the fuck up, i just wish i had someone i trusted that i could talk openly with about these problems

 

[n3ophy7e]

n3o - Are you still doing the triathlons? I know that exercise is probably the best healthy replacement addiction I know of for myself, and I was just wondering where you're at right now along those lines. 2.5 days (probably closer to 3 now...it better be ) is great! I am very proud of you. I *promise* you that the visceral/physical cravings really do shy away if you stick with the sobriety for a while. And the counting of the days, though it seems automatic at first, stopped for me around 20. Seriously, though, I look back two years or so ago, in this thread and in PMs, when we would talk with each other about our drinking abuse, and at that time I always thought that you had a better chance of beating it than I did. And maybe I am just trying to tell you that if I of all people could pull this off, you really can too. It gets tougher before it gets better, sure, but it gets even better after it gets better, and even better better after...you get the point. You get so used to all of the self-doubt, the defeatist thinking, the anxiety and the terror, than you don't realise just how much of that is inextricably linked with the alcohol. And there's only one way to really figure out that's true. You know what it is, and I know you can do it. I know you got this!

RL this means so much to me, thank you immensely Even brought a few tears to my eyes mate. I'm just in that helpless/lost phase of sobriety where my brain and body are screaming at me to drink!!!! I know that you know what I mean. It hasn't gotten any easier yet but I'm holding on to your reassurance that it will.
Oh and no I'm not doing any triathlons anymore, for the timebeing anyway Although I'm about to start training for a marathon, so that will give me something positive to focus on. I start the official training program next week but have been warming up to it with a few long runs here and there. Now THAT is a good way to get rid of cravings! Run for an hour! :D

i know its up to me to make the steps to get the help, have other peole found 12 step programs to be beneficial?

i am just a stubborn idiot but i am also frightened that i have become the person i vowed never to become

i know the answer to all this is that i should grow the fuck up, i just wish i had someone i trusted that i could talk openly with about these problems

Firstly mate, I'm really sorry to hear that your mum died
Also, if only it was that easy, as just "growing up" Then none of us would have these problems! I know you said you saw one counsellor before and it didn't really help...would you be willing to try a different counsellor? Every counsellor is different and there are some pretty ordinary ones, and there are some awesome ones. If you really need help (which is definitely sounds like you do), just give it a try with another counsellor. What have you got to lose? It can make things any worse. What do you think? You could maybe start by seeing your regular doctor and discuss this with them, see what they recommend. From my experience, it takes a few solid attempts before something clicks inside you and makes you want to do something about it. So try a few things and if something doesn't work, just keep trying okay?? I haven't been to AA meetings but I've been meaning to try them for YEARS. Just last week I looked up the timetables for meetings in my area so now I just have to bite the bullet and go to one. If I do, I'll let you know how it went

 

[munki]

munki, hun, to me this doesn't sound like you're a functional alcoholic at all. It sounds like it's beginning to negatively affect your relationship, your parenting abilities and your health. You mentioned in your post when you "had your issues in the past". If you don't mind me asking, what were those issues? (you totally don't have to talk about it if you're not comfortable doing so). Is there a chance you didn't really effectively deal with those issues, and there is some lingering anxiety/trauma from your past that you're trying to escape?
Also, a question that my therapist has asked me many times: What would you be doing if you weren't drinking? Is there some kind of hobby or activity you wish you were able to do on the weekends, if you were sober? Is your drinking impeding your ability to achieve something? Just something to think about, I guess...

Thanks for your honest feedback. Really was mulling over stuff last night as I finished off the last of my beer (the five in the fridge somehow gave birth to one more, so I drank a six pack with the excuse that I wasn't going to be buying any more beer) Just realizing that I have been lying to myself and others for a long time, even though I always fess up to being an alcoholic, it always was somewhat joking. And its true, I haven't been as functional as I like to tell myself.

As for my issues, I guess I was talking about when I had binge drinking problems in the past it wasn't an everyday thing, nor benders. My drinking is sliding towards out of control for sure and now I want to stop completely. Maybe forever....I am going to just take it slowly.

I was able to go to the store today and did NOT go down the beer aisle, so I feel like my resolve is working somewhat, even though it has been less than 24 hours since my last beer....maybe around 18 hours, meh. I emailed a sober friend today telling her I want to stop drinking and to gain some kind of support network. She was an extremely hardcore alcoholic and nearly died from detoxing; had to be in the hospital for a week. I don't think I will have that many physical withdrawal symptoms other than anxiety, and maybe some problems falling asleep. We shall see since its so early. I bought a bunch of tea, including a detox and a "calming" kind. Tea will be my beer substitute. *sigh* Beer, how I will miss thee.

Have yet to talk to my bf, going to see him shortly. My sober friend said she would be my buddy for going out dancing...definitely helps to have others around to be positive influences.