Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

[S.M.F.G]

Well hi im back.... RedLeader, ur right and i know it, thats kinda why i came in here im finding it hard to stop even though im sure its effecting my health. Last nite i was a write off, Took my kid 2 get a pizza i couldnt afford for dinner, made sure she was showered sat her down in front of the idiot box, and just said "dads had a real bad day sweety if i fall asleep ur to be in bed by 9 luvs ya im sorry ra ra ra".
Was that bad that the Girlfriend ended up coming back to check on me after her work, she got me up and into bed, she came on ner break also, after i had posted here i cried all my concerns about my mental state and my alchohol use which she didnt see as a problem,
She said well lets try and get you off the shit.. but im back here in the same place but with less drinks im gonna stop after this one as its tearing me apart emotionaly and physicly n im full of pills n not eaten. I realised ive fucked up yet again its how to break the cycle thats the biggest headfuck....
Ive also been a week without a cigerette apart from a few half ones that i stuffed out after a few puffs while my E-cig was charging, thats probably not helping things but my lungs have made the call Quit or die MoFo
using minimal amounts of weed but so not helping the lungs still.
SOz to be Offtopic there but thought it relivant info...
Ive asked my doc about tapering off xanax he sais in my state i need it and keeps throwing the script to me every month, I really need it to get out im terrified of being cut off or put into a detox that spits you out after inadiquite time as they do here but. Id rather much more to focus on trying not to drink ontop of my meds so im stuck in a bit of a hard place... Any thoughts folks, sorry this post is long ive just gotta do it while i got the drive...(tramadol)

 

[Vaya]

I have resigned to the fact that planning to be sober for x amount of days (and therefore setting myself up for failure, as I have done a million times in the past), or to aim for total sobriety in x period of time is totally unrealistic for me at this stage. I now realise and accept that I need to just take it one day at a time.

This spurred some thought for me. Apologies for the length of my post.
Perhaps the most frustrating thing about alcoholism and drug addiction is that it forced me to accept the fact that I lack the ability to control myself as others can. I am, in every sense, powerless over my compulsions to use. You'll hear that quoted in twelve-step programs frequently (and there's a reason for it!). My experience has shown me that there simply is no "triumph of the human will" when it comes to recovering from alcoholism. The healing process begins with the simple admission of powerlessness over my state of mind.

"Who amongst us cares to admit complete defeat?" Bill Wilson writes in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. His answer is straightforward and difficult to challenge: "Practically no one!" Yet, in my experience (you will see me write that phrase a lot), the admission of powerlessness is the single brightest light that will illuminate the dark corridors of an alcoholic mentality.

Planning to stay sober for a week, or a month, or a year is a prime example of one of my most common attempts at exercising control (the control I lack, of course ) over my life once it has become sorely affected by this disease. I had to let any notion of being able to do it myself go out the window. I had to face it: My way, my will, my plan, didn't work. That stung. In fact, it rattled the very fibers of my being, and I was left a dazed and confused mess for some time afterwards.

As much as I initially fought the idea, I quickly discovered that the less control I attempted to exert on my own fate, the less failure I set myself up for (as you alluded to, n3o). And though there are times when I falter in my resolve (and certainly there have been relapses both slight and profound), I am better able to utilize my being in this world after shedding that burden of needing to control everything around me.

I believe it was Carl Jung who suggested that by a certain time in our lives, "success" can teach us little more. It approaches becoming obsolete related to our personal growth, and defeat assumes the role of teacher and mentor. Intellectually, I can comprehend this. But putting it into practice has been one of the most challenging, painful and counter-intuitive things I have E-V-E-R attempted in all of my life. The idea that I must be willing to let defeat teach me doesn't make sense to me naturally. In fact, I'd bet that any person who has struggled with addiction will agree that the very idea is initially revolting. It took years of failure for me to come to the realization that to continue my current lifestyle was just far and wide more disgusting and miserable than to allow myself to learn from my mistakes!

One thing is for sure: Being an alcoholic or an addict teases out the necessity of being Honest, Open-Minded and Willing in all attempts I make to confront my physical and behavioral allergy to alcohol and drugs. I'm not gonna be perfect, ever, at maintaining these ideals. I know I now need to try, however, if I want to live. I've spent far too long stumbling along an ill-lit path to nowhere and cursing anything and anyone who stood between me and the next drink or drug (AKA serenity and happiness [my mind's interpretation]).

And really, the only person who prevented me from being happy was.... well, myself.
When I realized that, I felt like I'd just been skullfucked by the universe. But as time moves forward, I am beginning to taste serenity again. And I really feel like it's the beginning of something truly ethereal and special. I wish for all of us we learn to live with, rather than fight against, our predispositions. I really enjoy reading this thread, for none of us is alone in the struggle

~ vaya

 

[Beat Narrative]

well today i went to the doctor to ask for some help with my physical withdrawals and was 100% honest about my drinking and drug history

i have never really had a regular doctor as i have moved around a lot but had seen this guy once before so thought i would go back

he treated me like shit, he just said i was there to get valium (eventhough i didn't ask for it, i just asked for suggestions) and just took me for a doctor shopper

he still precribed me valium though (still without me asking) and said if he see's me hanging out side the local shopping centre trying to sell them he will call the cops (there is a bit of street dealing near this particular surgery)

i told him if he is so concerned then don't prescribe them, i really felt humilated

its hard to find a doctor who understands these issues and will actually treat it as a health issue as opposed to me being some wasted loser (which i dont feel i fall into that catergory anyway, if such a catergory exists)

the entire thing was counter productive and the first thing i did was have a drink when i left

i am serious about quitting though, i gave the valiums to a friend and am going to use them as needed to cope with the physical and anxiety aspect of things, but i am never going to let someone in a professional position treat me with such contempt ever again

 

[S.M.F.G]

^BN you shouldnt have to had to put up with that shit from some quack some of these people are fucking unbielievable i went to a doctor with bad stomach aches atop my anxiety and she basicly told me that she thought i was withdrawing from some drug and was a drug seeker when all i wanted was some maxalon to settle my stomach and maybe some panadene forte for the discomfort.
Ragin that doctors like this exist bunch of fuckwits

Very beautifull and wise words vaya. am really glad that you take the time to read and post in here
alot of what you said struk a chord with me, im not as bad as yesterday, Your 2nd last sentence is dead on with what i wish for everyone facing drug and or alchohol addiction also.
Im still cursed... one beer hasnt cut it for me once again and its only IMO still from yesterday, I really adopted i dont give a shit if i live or die attuide, thats bad mkay.
AA is not for me although im agnostic the dogma of it all is too religiony for me and religion = mind controll. not that the booze is any better i just cant go there. Gotta just try it the hard way i suppose, it just seems an impossibility atm.

 

[RedLeader]

Well hi im back.... RedLeader, ur right and i know it, thats kinda why i came in here im finding it hard to stop even though im sure its effecting my health. Last nite i was a write off, Took my kid 2 get a pizza i couldnt afford for dinner, made sure she was showered sat her down in front of the idiot box, and just said "dads had a real bad day sweety if i fall asleep ur to be in bed by 9 luvs ya im sorry ra ra ra".

Perhaps it's not the best parenting to be drinking in the evenings and not being able to put your daughter to bed, but hey man you got her a pizza that I'm sure made her tummy happy. And think about all of the cool stuff you can afford to do once you phase the alcohol purchases out of your life (I know how expensive booze is in OZ...). I know that "do it for your child" sounds kind of like a guilt-trip, but I'm saying that in a positive way. Not that you're a bad parent now, because you're not, but that you'll reach new heights once the drinking's gone. And your memory of her childhood will be a lot clearer once your head is on straight. That's really important.

Was that bad that the Girlfriend ended up coming back to check on me after her work, she got me up and into bed, she came on ner break also, after i had posted here i cried all my concerns about my mental state and my alchohol use which she didnt see as a problem,

That's okay. If she *did* know exactly how bad it was for you, then that'd probably mean that she'd have to have gone through this sh*t too at some point, and I'd doubt you'd wish it on her (or your worst enemy). Point is that she is with you and she is beside you wanting to quit. She probably just thinks of it in terms of the physical effects alcohol has on a person, and not necessarily all of the emotional complications that develop with the dependency. And as you recover and start to change how you feel, I'm sure that you can keep her updated on those changes and she will be able to learn as you go along.

She said well lets try and get you off the shit.. but im back here in the same place but with less drinks im gonna stop after this one as its tearing me apart emotionaly and physicly n im full of pills n not eaten. I realised ive fucked up yet again its how to break the cycle thats the biggest headfuck....

Oh ya, the cycle is really hard to exit. Especially when you don't feel like it even has an exit.

In my experience, whenever I tried to quit cold turkey, I'd count the hours. And by 100, I'd always be feeling much better. It was my magic number - when I could drink water without feeling nauseous, eat without the acid reflux, the brain and gut zaps would be nearly gone, etc. I'd almost get something of a "Day 4 euphoria." Again, I don't suggest attempting a cold turkey withdrawal unless given the okay by a medical professional, or if you know that your body can handle it.

Point is, you can do it. I want you to be able to do it, because as a person who used to be right where you are, saw no exit, hated himself, took two shots before going to the gym to stop the shakes (good god I was bad...) and was afraid to even go places without access to alcohol, I don't wish that hell on anybody. I don't want to come off as one of the "AA types" or "sober heroes" because frankly a lot of that sh*t drives me crazy. I just care about my TDSers and want everyone struggling to know that if I did it, seriously anybody can do it.

 

[Beat Narrative]

^BN you shouldnt have to had to put up with that shit from some quack some of these people are fucking unbielievable i went to a doctor with bad stomach aches atop my anxiety and she basicly told me that she thought i was withdrawing from some drug and was a drug seeker when all i wanted was some maxalon to settle my stomach and maybe some panadene forte for the discomfort.
Ragin that doctors like this exist bunch of fuckwits

Very beautifull and wise words vaya. am really glad that you take the time to read and post in here
alot of what you said struk a chord with me, im not as bad as yesterday, Your 2nd last sentence is dead on with what i wish for everyone facing drug and or alchohol addiction also.
Im still cursed... one beer hasnt cut it for me once again and its only IMO still from yesterday, I really adopted i dont give a shit if i live or die attuide, thats bad mkay.
AA is not for me although im agnostic the dogma of it all is too religiony for me and religion = mind controll. not that the booze is any better i just cant go there. Gotta just try it the hard way i suppose, it just seems an impossibility atm.

I know that 12 step programs have lots of reference to god but i don't think you really need to accept god into your life to benefit from the 12 steps

Both my parents have been involved in 12 step programs, for my mother it did her no good but my father was a really complulsive gambler for many years and in the last 10 years has been heavily involved in GA , my father has no religous inclinations but has benefited greatly from the program to the point where he now sponsers many people.
From what i gather its the networking with people who have shared similar experiences and can relate to you on a realistic level, i don't thik its as dogmatic as some people think. Sure you say the serenity prayer, but its a damn good mantra regardless of the reference to god

I am not saying that 12 step programs are the answer, i am still working out if its right for me or not and am reluctant to attend but i wouldn't dismiss it based purely on the religous basis

 

[Vaya]

I am too tired to address the "AA is somehow affiliated with religion" misconception right now.

I am not pushing any program on anybody.

I am not religious.

My words speak for themselves.

What may have worked for me may, or may not, work for you.

My experience is all that I am capable of sharing, and thus, I have shared it.

Goodnight.

 

[Dark Ambience]

I'm so glad this thread has action again.. I have been quitting, and tomorrow will be 2 weeks since my last drink . I was becoming a problem drinker..Well hell, I've always beenn a problem drinker. I usually go in phases where I'll drink more, and over the festive season it was climbing back to danger - 5-8 beers a day turned into spirits.. one night, I got really messy and started losing it, said a lot of stuff I wish I didn't and went for a random walk to the beach completely plastered and ended up swimming at like 1am.. woke up bitterly hungover wondering wtf I was doing.. I still proceeded to drink after this, and then one day just said no.. enough is enough and I refuse to fall back into old habbits. I'm a young dude in my twenties, and have been drinking pretty consistently since my late teens. I have been unemployed for ages, and the combo of unemployment, 0 friends around where I live and drinking every day just made me feel like the biggest loser on earth.. I got very sick twice the beginning of this year, once off red wine, once off rum.. being a new year, I'll be fcked if I'm going to waste another year of life to the drink.

I don't know if I'm an alcoholic, but I am definitely a habitual drinker.. it has robbed me of a lot - financially, emotionally and legally.. I don't think there are very few aspects of life alcohol doesn't effect.

So anyway - Something had to give, I need to pull my finger out and get work.. one night I wrote up a list to vow by which was basically that I am going to deprive myself off intoxication until such a time as I am gainfully employed and life is looking brighter. I've had headaches, takes me ages to get to sleep and the echoes of past memories of drinking and life haunt me.. but it feels good to deal with them in a sober mindframe.. and day by day it gets easier. You know, half the shit that goes through my head doesn't impact me nearly as much as when I'm not.. I've really been getting into the things like movies and some exercise and have been cooking heaps to stay in line.. I find its easier to be as involved as possible. I even organised to see my counsellor who helped me emmensley. I got more out of that 1 session than I had in any other over the years.. I was actually listening to what he had to say and making sense of it, not being hungover or too hung up in the petty bullshit problems alcohol throws at me.

He told me some really good advice about addiction - denial + dependency = addiction.. so denial 'MY grandma drinks more than me, so I'm doing fine' or 'I've had a hard day, I deserve a few drinks' + dependency (regular drinking) is what makes us addicted.. pretty good advice I thought.

Im going to check back here and give updates as its really good support. The clarity of not drinking folks is pretty amazing.. I had forgotten how much I took it for granted. I got a bday party I'm going to this weekend which I don't even plan on drinking at.. that will be an experience of its own! I hope I succeed.. half of my brain says it is a social thing, so drinking is acceptable, but the other half doesn't trust me..I feel if I continue to abstain good things are going to head my way.

 

[S.M.F.G]

I'm sorry if offended anyone or caused a loop for argument on the topic of AA, these were not my intentions, Its just that my views regarding religion are more spiritual and universal im lost and confused, my morals and ideals are set in stone, no one will force me to say anything i dont want to... heres something that you ought to say in the morning, heres something you ought to say during this meeting, heres something you ought to say on the 2nd saturday of every weekend @ 12 o clock when the bells ring. Definitly not knocking it in any way, its just not for me. All apologies.
Ive not done well today. My three pack that was lasting me threee days is gone now, Im not as plastered even though ive had extras ontop fillin the script i didnt really need just wanted has me wired and posting like shit. Me and the kid are watching the idiot box (well she watchin and im typin) Il let her off to bed in an hour or so, for some reason i dont think il be getting much sleep tonight without more xanax and thats just a no no

 

[Beat Narrative]

I'm sorry if offended anyone or caused a loop for argument on the topic of AA, these were not my intentions, Its just that my views regarding religion are more spiritual and universal im lost and confused, my morals and ideals are set in stone, no one will force me to say anything i dont want to... heres something that you ought to say in the morning, heres something you ought to say during this meeting, heres something you ought to say on the 2nd saturday of every weekend @ 12 o clock when the bells ring. Definitly not knocking it in any way, its just not for me. All apologies.
Ive not done well today. My three pack that was lasting me threee days is gone now, Im not as plastered even though ive had extras ontop fillin the script i didnt really need just wanted has me wired and posting like shit. Me and the kid are watching the idiot box (well she watchin and im typin) Il let her off to bed in an hour or so, for some reason i dont think il be getting much sleep tonight without more xanax and thats just a no no

I certainly hope you did not take my response as being defensive of AA, i was just trying to highlight that its a support network as opposed to some religous cult

ultimately we all have our own strategies for dealing with things, at this point i am fucking clueless how to resolve my issues, i am finding bluelight to be my best resource at this point in time, having said that i am on my 2nd bottle of wine today

tomorrow (yeah right its always tomorrow) i am going to attempt a serious detox with the valium i have been prescribed as opposed to getting benzos and going woohoo, i have benzos, i can get even more wasted

i am stating to think i have bitten off more than i can chew, i have been 8 days without weed after 10 years heavy smoking, been 7 weeks clean of opiates after 2 years of virtual daily use and now taking on the booze, but goddamn do i love red wine but i am going to perservere

i am just trying not to set unrealistic exectations for myself, as long as i can see some positive steps being made then i know i slowly progressing and this time i am doing it for me, not please anyone else which i think is the best motivation of all (well thats not strictly true, my gf wants me sober but has not pressured me to change until i instigated it)

 

[S.M.F.G]

No way BN %)... was not refrencing anything in piticular i just know that some topics can spark quire serious debate that can sometimes turn ugly on TDS, I was just pointing out i didnt want to start anything on the topic that could possibly blow out of proportion (i seem to be good @ setting fires sometimes when i bring certain things up) probably coz im set in stone bieleifs/morals kinda person therefore pretty loudly and proudly put my oppinion out there not thinking half the time that it may be of offence for some thats all. Hope everyone has a good day/ night im out for the moment. much to you all

 

[Vaya]

I apologize if the tone of my last message was too harsh - it's been a rough week, and I was irritated when I replied. Nothing personal, if that's how it came off S.M.F.G.

...its a support network as opposed to some religous cult

+1
It's a very popular misconception that 12-Step programs are affiliated with religion, and I used to believe it myself. If you go to meeting or are around people in recovery though you'll find that there simply is no religious dogma, and in fact I would say at least 75% of the people I know in this type of program are spiritual, not religious. I usually find that people in recovery are decently representative of the general population, e.g. there will be those who integrate their reality with their separate religious faiths, but there are also people of all other walks of life and the former population are most certainly the minority. I personally just wouldn't place any faith in a program that suggests replacing booze with jesus Not my style. Also that'd be a pretty... involved crutch to try and maintain!

And just to reiterate, I mention the program at all only because it was my last resort and the only thing that has ever produced real results for me. I have had many trial-and-error runs with the program itself as well as other methods of staying sober and was never able to achieve and maintain happiness... those years were cold, dark and lonely But there are absolutely other ways that I have seen work for people; all I know is that they didn't work for me. Plus the people I have met are some of the most awesome souls to walk this planet, and they're clear-headed enough to really express that awesomeness which I could never find in those people I merely used or drank with. Their support is sooooooo essential.

Glad you picked up on that one line, S.M.F.G., that I wrote, because I think it again fitting to end this post with: I wish for all of us we learn to live with, rather than fight against, our predispositions.

We all deserve that.

Peace & Love
~ vaya

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ all is good vaya, sometimes the truth is harsh, and as said i seem to be good @ flaring up arguments esp on touchy subjucts here on TDS, Peace n love back @tchas all!! Today ive been good, only one tallie now desire to go further, gotta be a minor win as opposed to drowning myself in the stuff

 

[Vaya]

all is good vaya, sometimes the truth is harsh, and as said i seem to be good @ flaring up arguments esp on touchy subjucts here on TDS

As previously stated, it had nothing to do with you But your humility is endearing.

P.S. WTF is a 'tallie'???

 

[S.M.F.G]

^lol sorry Aussie slang... Tallie refers to a large bottle of beer probably similar to ur 40's
Am better today in the head but still kickin back with drinks Am dissapoint

 

[Beat Narrative]

out of bed at 1.45pm and straight into the wine, woke up craving opiates and the idea of being sober seemed impossible, at this point in time i am at a total loss.

two days ago a i had grand plans of sobriety, today i couldn't care if i was alive or dead and feel like just punishing my body

i am sick of myself, i am just a stupid fucking idiot who seems to make everyones life around me more complicated

i am not feeling sorry for myself, i just loathe myself

sorry for writing this here but its better than saying it to anyone around me who are fed up with my bullshit

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ i get feeling that way alot BN, can hold off on drinking maybe go a day or two without.. alot of what u said i can relate to so just know ur in the right place n ur not alone here by any means

 

[Vaya]

sorry for writing this here but its better than saying it to anyone around me who are fed up with my bullshit

Don't be sorry, BN. What you're feeling is completely real; I'm glad you feel like you could tell us. I have had off-and-on periods of self-loathing for... as long as I've struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction TBH. While I will never understand you specifically (I believe that to be impossible), I really do understand where you're coming from.

It always felt, to me, as though I drank because I hated myself, and I hated myself because I drank.
And how the f*ck do you get out of that vicious, self-serving cycle?

I can impart one thing that was suggested to me many years ago. Although I still struggle to consistently use it in everyday life, whenever I begin to experience feelings of resentment towards myself (which inevitably leads to self-destructive behaviors on my part), I try to do something for someone else. I've found that removing myself from the dark alleys of my world is, in fact, shockingly liberating. Afterwards, I actually feel better. Rare have been the times where I have found something so effective at counteracting such intensely negative emotions directed towards myself.

To clarify, sometimes the action I take is as simple as complimenting someone (anyone) for something they've done; alternatively, I find myself telling someone how much I appreciate them. One of the greatest pleasures in life is doing something for someone and not telling them, but having your action be discovered accidentally. That, to me, is the active form of humility, and it feels pretty darn good if given an honest shot. I'm just the furthest thing from perfect at it, but when I do apply myself in that vein, I'm astounded by the results.

 

[Mariposa]

The man in my life just pounded a fifth of tequila and repeatedly drunk-texted several of his female friends in my presence. It is not even 9 PM. I am disgusted.

This ride is over. I have witnessed too much selfish behavior in the name of booze, including my own - not tonight, but many other times. I must use alcohol responsibly, or not at all. I can only take ownership of my behavior. I'm calling it an early night and working on my writing.

I am neither for or against AA. If it helps someone, then it's done something beneficial for the world. I am not for or against 12-step programs as they work for many. AA did not do anything except make me more depressed - I drink as a result of depression. I hope that others find peace in AA and I have not ruled that out forever. The Big Book made me cry and didn't make me quit.

 

[Jabberwocky]

GOOD call Mariposa! You don't deserve to deal with this shit, no one does. Since I started working diligently on taking ownership of my behavior, I have gain so so so much. Especially in terms of self worth.

What are you plans Mariposa? I'm sorry to hear your going through tough times, be, from what I've seen of your while lurking the past couple years, you'll figure something good out. You'll come out on top. I look forward to the details!