i'm pretty sure drinking copious amounts of alcohol with acetaminophen-based painkillers (such as percocet), is pretty much the same thing as repeatedly punching yourself in the liver.
i've read all five pages of this thread, and i still don't really understand what's causing all of this self-hatred and pain in your life. you say that you want to die soon, and talk about suicide a lot, and you have a lot of suicide-ideation, but you've never told us what's really wrong? it seems like you've got some family problems, and that you're feeling pretty isolated and detached right now, where the easiest thing to do is to escape with drugs/alcohol... while i could be wrong, i know it would help me (if i were in your situation) and i think it would help you to try and start an open dialog with us here about WHY you're feeling the way you are so that we can try and help you understand your actions so that you can get through this thing. trust me mate, there are a lot of people on bluelight that have at one point in their lives been considered class-a fuck up's (friendless, broke, addicted, crazy, pathetic, etc.) -- myself included -- who are more than willing to help you out... there's no need to be embarrassed, etc.
and just accept the fact that you aren't going to kill yourself, or you already would have done it. maybe there's a reason that you're still alive, something within you that you can't hear or see right now that's fighting for you to get through all this bullshit...
pm me anytime if you need to talk.
- lisa