Okay here goes. Funny because after reading the last few pages I was about to give you professional doggo-level advice unsolicited:
Negative thoughts are a form of addiction. Yes, they came about as a coping mechanism for trauma, but your thoughts become your reality. You choose to see life as terrible and suffering as inevitable, and so for you, it is. It's hard, but it's possible to change your thoughts. You're clearly obsessively fixated on negativity, when you're making 3 or 4 posts in a row all saying basically the exact same thing over and over (that life sucks, you want to die, etc etc), followed by several more 3 or 4 post sprees. You are addicted to it. I get it, my girlfriend is also traumatized and she also is fixated on negative thoughts about herself and the world (though thankfully she keeps them to herself, mostly). You could be a lot happier but you're intent on being miserable. It makes me sad.