PTSD I hurt myself yesterday. Self harm trigger warning.

[notsmokeymcpot42088]

Think we're straying a bit off topic mate. I appreciate your contribution. I'm talking about how I hurt myself as some form of fucked up coping mechanism - I didn't hurt anyone else.

Maybe I'm a bit confused about what you're getting at, but you didn't inflict the "bowl burn" on yourself, right? If you did, then I'm sorry and I may have misunderstood.

Fair enough. I dont harm myself -- I just take great risks knowing there is a good chance harm is going to happen. I feel like I relate though

 

[BK38]

Fair enough. I dont harm myself -- I just take great risks knowing there is a good chance harm is going to happen. I feel like I relate though

Yes, I get that. That you kind of take risks and almost beg for something to happen? Do you think of it as a kind of self-destructive motive? Essentially that you want to take some damage or at least risk it?

 

[notsmokeymcpot42088]

Yes, I get that. That you kind of take risks and almost beg for something to happen? Do you think of it as a kind of self-destructive motive? Essentially that you want to take some damage or at least risk it?

A little bit yea -- the risk makes me feel alive. I do "Wish a mother fucker would" kind of regardless of outcome. Since I was about 12 I have had a principle of "Only fight people who you should be able to kick your ass" --- lost a few that way playing way out of my weight class.

I dont want to be harmed or anything --- it just seems important people know I do not care if that is the way things go down --- so be it.

An example is I remember a fella sticking a knife to my throat while driving --- I put my foot on the gas pedal and said "Go for it man" at about 100. I didnt really care tbh, we can both die right now that is alright with me

 

[BK38]

An example is I remember a fella sticking a knife to my throat while driving --- I put my foot on the gas pedal and said "Go for it man" at about 100. I didnt really care tbh, we can both die right now that is alright with me

That's really intense. I get it to a degree. The "pick on someone your own size" mentality. I have a very strong sense of justice and if I perish defending people that can't defend themselves then so be it. I don't have a death wish or anything, but that kind of "loco indifference" I can relate to.

 

[abefourth]

I have an extensive history of self-harm (mostly cutting). My left arm had numerous scars from it now. At one point I had what may have been a suicide attempt - severed my jugular vein and a tendon in my wrist and had to have emergency surgery. I don't think I truly intended to end my life. But I was in a very hurting place and I had been hospitalized 2-3 times previously. Once was after I had a drunk driving incident where I flipped my car on a highway. My mental health teams think my depression and suicidal ideation gets much worse with alcohol use (so do I). I've been receiving mental help from a community mental health team for the past 4 years or so.

I don't know you especially well but I really like what I know of you. I can understand not wanting to check into the mental hospital and why it might not be the best idea. But if things get to where you consider extreme self-harm or have suicidal ideation please more carefully consider going to the hospital. They can be of some help (although as documented here in certain threads they can do more harm than good sometimes). I got help and now I'm in the best place I've been in in 5+ years.

 

[BK38]

I have an extensive history of self-harm (mostly cutting). My left arm had numerous scars from it now. At one point I had what may have been a suicide attempt - severed my jugular vein and a tendon in my wrist and had to have emergency surgery. I don't think I truly intended to end my life. But I was in a very hurting place and I had been hospitalized 2-3 times previously. Once was after I had a drunk driving incident where I flipped my car on a highway. My mental health teams think my depression and suicidal ideation gets much worse with alcohol use (so do I). I've been receiving mental help from a community mental health team for the past 4 years or so.

I don't know you especially well but I really like what I know of you. I can understand not wanting to check into the mental hospital and why it might not be the best idea. But if things get to where you consider extreme self-harm or have suicidal ideation please more carefully consider going to the hospital. They can be of some help (although as documented here in certain threads they can do more harm than good sometimes). I got help and now I'm in the best place I've been in in 5+ years.

Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it; it takes guts. It sounds like you've had a very rough ride, but I am sincerely happy you're in a good place now. I've also been hospitalized a number of times (including 2 where I was sectioned/5150'd - one hospitalization was about a year). I have also tentatively decided to quit drinking - certainly no heavy drinking right now (though today's a tough one given it's the 4th of July - I feel like I should shotgun at least 1 beer - is that wrong? haha, sorry bit of dark humor there).

You sound like a really nice person and I know thinking about self-harm and stuff can be very difficult, so thank you for reflecting and giving me some sage advice. I understand you have to think about those dark times to help me and that in and of its self is a form of selfless sacrifice or altruism. So from the bottom of my heart; merci beaucoup. I don't know you very well either, but I'd like to get to know you better

I do not have suicidal ideation or the urge to seriously harm myself right now, but if it starts getting bad, I will definitely check myself into the hospital.

 

[Flynnal]

Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it; it takes guts. It sounds like you've had a very rough ride, but I am sincerely happy you're in a good place now. I've also been hospitalized a number of times (including 2 where I was sectioned/5150'd - one hospitalization was about a year). I have also tentatively decided to quit drinking - certainly no heavy drinking right now (though today's a tough one given it's the 4th of July - I feel like I should shotgun at least 1 beer - is that wrong? haha, sorry bit of dark humor there).

You sound like a really nice person and I know thinking about self-harm and stuff can be very difficult, so thank you for reflecting and giving me some sage advice. I understand you have to think about those dark times to help me and that in and of its self is a form of selfless sacrifice or altruism. So from the bottom of my heart; merci beaucoup. I don't know you very well either, but I'd like to get to know you better

I do not have suicidal ideation or the urge to seriously harm myself right now, but if it starts getting bad, I will definitely check myself into the hospital.

Please do. I self-harmed in November 2022 up until February/March 2023 and have done serious damage as a result. Check in and see someone urgently if you think you are going to do it. Not a day goes past that I don't regret the damage I did, it started in earnest in November 2022 after struggling with tinnitus and hearing issues. Online bullying and dealing with assholes online led me to head strikes, and lots of them. I went into a blind rage and started hitting myself with both fists. I was sitting down, if I'd been standing up at the time I could have literally killed myself with the damage I would have done. Now the hearing issues are worse, and on the other side got much worse too. Self-harm, especially head strikes, is a bad idea and you need to nip it in the bud before it gets bad.

Keep an eye on your mood, and chin up, as best you can.

 

[BK38]

Please do. I self-harmed in November 2022 up until February/March 2023 and have done serious damage as a result. Check in and see someone urgently if you think you are going to do it. Not a day goes past that I don't regret the damage I did, it started in earnest in November 2022 after struggling with tinnitus and hearing issues. Online bullying and dealing with assholes online led me to head strikes, and lots of them. I went into a blind rage and started hitting myself with both fists. I was sitting down, if I'd been standing up at the time I could have literally killed myself with the damage I would have done. Now the hearing issues are worse, and on the other side got much worse too. Self-harm, especially head strikes, is a bad idea and you need to nip it in the bud before it gets bad.

Keep an eye on your mood, and chin up, as best you can.

That sounds terrible to deal with and I'm sorry you went through such a difficult period, even worse, your quality of life diminished as a result. I've never struck my head in that way (I have given myself a hard slap to the face before though). I hope you're doing better.

I'm keeping a close eye on myself and my thought patterns and thankfully I think this episode was a one time event (I really don't need any more scars, burns or other injuries etc either).

Thank you for sharing your experience and I admire your courage in doing so. Again, you and others here have legitimately made me feel that although I am somewhat troubled with my PTSD, I can get this through this and that I am not fundamentally "broken."

Also yes, If I really start to spiral further out of control, I will seek professional help.

 

[PtahTek]

felt alone in a room full of people in a sense. In any case, it felt acutely painful mentally

i have started feeling that the "disconnect" is that those who dont "fit in" are just running on a different operating system that doesnt care for bloatware pre installed (small talk, *static - noise without substance, distraction etc.) .
maybe the environment is not conductive to ones expectations. the world population (mostly) has been desensitized, isolated, programmed for failure - ones own not the failure of a system, dumbed down and are a commodity for trade to the highest bidder.
it does not surprise me one bit that what we have before us creates tins of others that do not "fit" into a niche as the niches are also pre loaded as *options.
ptsd is no freakin joke as it comes with a lot of heavy baggage. been trying to slide out from under that weight for many decades and nothing that I have found is a magic bullet. i feel that there may be more than one factor that contributes to our personal well being. just opinion.
for the last few years i tried psychotherapy and it seemed to help somewhat to get an understanding if whats going on under the hood but honestly nothing really helped the issue (though, tbf, there was a little headway) until i added a few choice psychedelics. most were one offs but one lingers for the moment.. now looking back it all kinda tied together and i think i see a way forward but only time will tell. i even told therapist that yeah, it feels like its solid but so did alcohol, drugs, sex, religion(s), sports, working......

I just want people to talk to me about their experiences with self-harm

i practiced self harm in many ways but my most destructive was passive or by proxy. i just wanted out but refused to take my own life because of cowardice, hope or something totally off radar idk.
honestly i still dont care to be here but if i am going to be around I would rather it not be as torturous as i am used to.
maybe pain makes us feel like we are actually here in the now instead of being a non player character in someones sick game. I refuse to play. i needed de programmed so I could start a new, clean installation of the OS.
not discarding the monstrosity that is a part of me but rather letting other parts express themselves more often. trying to find that balance, peace and above all... wholeness.

i get it, though.
my usual default in a situation you were in would be to just slip out unnoticed. gone.
now i am a bit more comfortable in my skin and if someone doesnt care how i react or dont react to stimuli thats on them its not mine. fuck em.

best with this troubling situation.

why do you feel you burned yourself? no judgements i did it many times as a younger me.

 

[BK38]

i have started feeling that the "disconnect" is that those who dont "fit in" are just running on a different operating system that doesnt care for bloatware pre installed (small talk, *static - noise without substance, distraction etc.) .
maybe the environment is not conductive to ones expectations. the world population (mostly) has been desensitized, isolated, programmed for failure - ones own not the failure of a system, dumbed down and are a commodity for trade to the highest bidder.
it does not surprise me one bit that what we have before us creates tins of others that do not "fit" into a niche as the niches are also pre loaded as *options.
ptsd is no freakin joke as it comes with a lot of heavy baggage. been trying to slide out from under that weight for many decades and nothing that I have found is a magic bullet. i feel that there may be more than one factor that contributes to our personal well being. just opinion.
for the last few years i tried psychotherapy and it seemed to help somewhat to get an understanding if whats going on under the hood but honestly nothing really helped the issue (though, tbf, there was a little headway) until i added a few choice psychedelics. most were one offs but one lingers for the moment.. now looking back it all kinda tied together and i think i see a way forward but only time will tell. i even told therapist that yeah, it feels like its solid but so did alcohol, drugs, sex, religion(s), sports, working......


i practiced self harm in many ways but my most destructive was passive or by proxy. i just wanted out but refused to take my own life because of cowardice, hope or something totally off radar idk.
honestly i still dont care to be here but if i am going to be around I would rather it not be as torturous as i am used to.
maybe pain makes us feel like we are actually here in the now instead of being a non player character in someones sick game. I refuse to play. i needed de programmed so I could start a new, clean installation of the OS.
not discarding the monstrosity that is a part of me but rather letting other parts express themselves more often. trying to find that balance, peace and above all... wholeness.

i get it, though.
my usual default in a situation you were in would be to just slip out unnoticed. gone.
now i am a bit more comfortable in my skin and if someone doesnt care how i react or dont react to stimuli thats on them its not mine. fuck em.

best with this troubling situation.

why do you feel you burned yourself? no judgements i did it many times as a younger me.

Wow, what a well thought out response; thank you for taking the time to write to me about how you feel and the stuff regarding one's brain completely makes sense to me. I think I burned myself because of all the static and bullshit around me. It felt, in that moment, that no one could understand me. The real me; that cares about every living thing, that tries to help others through the darkness by showing them my scars and telling them my tales (not tall ones though - got to try and be my authentic self). I suppose in that moment I felt overwhelmed and because I was a bit drunk and running on a different frequency than those around me, I got frustrated and angry with myself too. It's funny you talk about your OS and I've always thought that certain psychedelics can really help to"defrag" the brain. Thanks man, I think you and I are similarly odd ducks. Birds of a feather stick together.

Thanks again. It really helps to have someone break it down as you did.

1

 

[PtahTek]

It felt, in that moment, that no one could understand me.

overwhelmed

frustrated

angry

these seem spot on. lol not laughing at the subject but at myself as i see me in this.
we take shit more serious and need more than "just the way it is". nah: why, how, when, where and who, mf?

Birds of a feather stick together.

true... and im sure there are many more of us birds on bl. imo/e; trauma is, was and will be widespread. not fun at all to face and "deal" with but atm i feel that it can be buried if you will.
not sure if i want to completely rid myself of any experiences as they formed who i am. it just needs to take a backseat or at the least ride beside and we share control of the wheel.
the darker side has expressed itself enough. time for a cool change as the song states.

be my authentic self

oh, my. yeah the world will think you changed or gone crazy(er? ) and want the old you back. i feel the search for who we are is maybe the end goal? i mean all other goalposts move as we near them so why not go for something that actually brings peace, love, caring, presence along with the aspects of needs, expectations, desires, chaos etc. i feel these opposing "forces" need to be reconciled and forged into a singularity. not sure how this works out in practice but it damn sure looks good to me on paper and if we all were "whole" maybe the corruption of "data" could in fact be "defragged" as was so well put. maybe we could in fact save ourselves as a species. idk but hope.

and plz no need to thank. this kinda shits been tucked away way too long imo. it needs to brought into the light; analyzed, criticized and examined with the intent to become less "sick". yes we have plenty to be sick from but do we want to get better or stay with what we are familiar with with? im not scared to enter unknown territory but it helps if i have a map of sorts that indicate that there are more areas to explore rather than not be in the loop until i stagnate in one place for decades because of ignorance or just stubbornness. again idk

i want to thank you and everyone else that brings these tough questions up. yeah its fun to get high but can we also be real and dig into shit that aint popular as well? i am all for it.

many thanks as these posts are a part of my journey to find myself as well as chirp to those that chirp back.

 

[PtahTek]

ot

i was going to "drop in" group thurs eve. it was hot out and humid. its a social rehab type thing. twice a week. dont have to go but maybe it helps. wtf knows?

i get there and immediately dude starts bitchin about his coffee... too much already he wouldnt stop.
chick asks me for a cig. dont have it.
loves the color orange - i wore orange t and bandana. thanks. can she have my bandana? no. i wear multi-blue hued colored candy on my wrist. can she have it? no. it kept on. i moved away about 30'. alone. streesing holding head in hand feeling I would lose it at any moment. she only got louder
i say its too much. nada
i grab my shit, shake their hands in good will. she wants a hug. no. im too sweaty for all that.
i bounce. didnt "come down" from that janglin of nerves for about an hour and a half. i have bnz but didnt even think about it - grateful.

not sure if that is mine or others weight. or both? niether? idk yet but would like to get something worked out with this as it is my default reaction/response to too much stimuli.
thought i was getting ahead in this area but doubting myself now which is probably not the optimal perspective.

not intentionally highjacking the theead by any means:
this is about self harm somewhat?

tall plz dont get me wrong here; i would rather hurt someone else than myself if pushed. it was programmed. therefore my "passive" attempts. many. maybe still ongoing? def playing russian roulette....


i was supposed to go to therapy fri and wanted to discuss this reaction with the group and other recent personal interactions (like my nerves are wearing thin again). she had a family emergency. hope everything is okay.

on a different topic:
just thinkin and i have had three therapists in 4 yrs. they all been and are hotties.
nah i dont think if them... much. lol jk

hope everyone chillin.
peace to us all

 

[BK38]

ot

i was going to "drop in" group thurs eve. it was hot out and humid. its a social rehab type thing. twice a week. dont have to go but maybe it helps. wtf knows?

i get there and immediately dude starts bitchin about his coffee... too much already he wouldnt stop.
chick asks me for a cig. dont have it.
loves the color orange - i wore orange t and bandana. thanks. can she have my bandana? no. i wear multi-blue hued colored candy on my wrist. can she have it? no. it kept on. i moved away about 30'. alone. streesing holding head in hand feeling I would lose it at any moment. she only got louder
i say its too much. nada
i grab my shit, shake their hands in good will. she wants a hug. no. im too sweaty for all that.
i bounce. didnt "come down" from that janglin of nerves for about an hour and a half. i have bnz but didnt even think about it - grateful.

not sure if that is mine or others weight. or both? niether? idk yet but would like to get something worked out with this as it is my default reaction/response to too much stimuli.
thought i was getting ahead in this area but doubting myself now which is probably not the optimal perspective.

not intentionally highjacking the theead by any means:
this is about self harm somewhat?

tall plz dont get me wrong here; i would rather hurt someone else than myself if pushed. it was programmed. therefore my "passive" attempts. many. maybe still ongoing? def playing russian roulette....


i was supposed to go to therapy fri and wanted to discuss this reaction with the group and other recent personal interactions (like my nerves are wearing thin again). she had a family emergency. hope everything is okay.

on a different topic:
just thinkin and i have had three therapists in 4 yrs. they all been and are hotties.
nah i dont think if them... much. lol jk

hope everyone chillin.
peace to us all

I feel like you and I are similar in the sense that we may not know when to be selfless and when to be selfish. I also really get the idea of "i would rather hurt someone else than myself if pushed. it was programmed. therefore my "passive" attempts. many. maybe still ongoing? def playing russian roulette...." Do you have PTSD like me? It sounds like you also suffer from feeling of over stimulation too.

I've been doing some reading and maybe you suffer from the same conditions as me. One article I will link is about PTSD and the other about Electromagnetic Sensitivity that has been causing me some problems with overstimulation, feeling unwell etc. Typing this makes me feel a bit ill, but I'll be OK after I detox from all these EMFs and try and treat myself and others with kindness.

https://courtneysnydermd.substack.com/p/emf-and-the-brain?r=3rdzpz&triedRedirect=true (article on EMF sensitivity)

I can't seem to find the articlke on PTSD right now, but I will want to find it for myself and for you if I can.

Peace unto you and all beings.

 

[PtahTek]

PTSD

diagnosed medically and stamped by usda in nov 2022.
it is but one facet of our total being. i feel that there is something to explore but to not take center stage. examined, analyzed and criticized. yep. clinical. if it were only that easy....

when to be selfless and when to be selfish

i am struggling atm with holding both of these as no more or less important than the other. i have written briefly of paradoxes and whatnot. i am now living in them it would seem. terrifying and freeing. objection is another important key i feel that gets little to no attention.
can we be the observed and observer without getting destroyed? idk one mans destruction is anothers creation. ad nausea.
to whit: the brighter side.
sustained heat, friction, pressure and time forge crystals from carbon (of which we are based) that becomes so hard that these crystals are not only used as a gold standard of hardness but used to create beautiful sets of jewelry that are indicative of infinity.
ahhh.... the rub, friend:
the harder a substance becomes the more brittle. inherently true of metals, crystals and apparently egos; one of them being my own.

Electromagnetic Sensitivity

yes it wakes me every few hours and is a constant hum i the background. gets on my fuckin nerves worse than in my face disrespectful noise pollution. why do we self medicate? ffs c'mon as krink would exclaim.

what would we do without pts...? there would be no growth. no resistance is equated to atrophy. stagnant waters stank. gotta keep aflow.
i will take it as an asset rather than a liability.

oh shit i gotta go my bad
be back though this is getting interesting.

 

[PtahTek]

holy fuck man.
just confronted with alternate realities.
elevators. opened at the same time on the same floor both going wherever i wanted - never happened before. i laugh out loud, shook my head and boarded the closest.

i find it strange that I want both to put this pts in the ground to be done with it and keep it above to be examined at the same time.
not sure wtf is going on here but im comfortable with being uncomfortable.

we all we have there is no external saviour coming, folk. sorry....

 

[BK38]

holy fuck man.
just confronted with alternate realities.
elevators. opened at the same time on the same floor both going wherever i wanted - never happened before. i laugh out loud, shook my head and boarded the closest.

i find it strange that I want both to put this pts in the ground to be done with it and keep it above to be examined at the same time.
not sure wtf is going on here but im comfortable with being uncomfortable.

we all we have there us no external saviour coming, folk. sorry....

I feel like there is some spooky action happening at a distance regarding the elevators. I'm also getting woken up, feel sick from the EMFs, light sensitivity etc. I feel that every thought we have and the energy we give out in both action and words have effects beyond our understanding, but I am always seeking to see those signs. I think there isn't such a thing as heaven and hell, but that it is all happening right now, all at once. There is something in the air, no clear shades of black and white, we are observer and the observed all at once. I thought it was very wise of you to say that part about being comfortable with being uncomfortable. The same with our carbon based conundrum. This is getting interesting indeed.

 

[PtahTek]

i recently came back from a voyage and felt something extraordinary and ordinary. alchemy?
uhhhh
then was thrown a video I guess from the algorithm. please observe this video - if- with objectivity. dissect it if you will and lay bare any elements that are not "in tune".

The Buddhabrot

disclaimer
this is not hype. it may stir some deep seated emotions for some.
it certainly disturbed and freed me in some ways.
the art is not ai generated it is a dr that expresses through art. very talented, imo.

enough

 

[Ki3ly]

And yes I have a problem with self harm. There are two people irl that go out of their way to make life so annoying and so miserable it was harmful to be around one of them so bad that we had to flee and get away as far as we could and still stay away to this day. It was so bad that my S.O. had to put his head on his hands on the couch and cry. A grown man. ( It was a long time ago, but still ) And me, I still had the shakes until recently if I even think about her.

The other one can be such a manipulating hateful game playing trickster at times it actually causes me to hit myself on the head by being so fucked up and annoyed from it. I try to stay away and as far away as much as possible.

Those are the only two that are the individuals in real life that ONLY can be and are so annoying and destructive that they can actually go as far as fucking me up beyond belief and at any moment. And was and is enough for one lifetime. Mine. So I have to either be on guard or learn to cope every chance I can.

And I don't ever want to be around any more of it whatsoever and I refuse to ever again !!!!!!!

And they are the only two in my whole entire life that can actually and have destroyed me and that actually can do that and always have. Including financially as well. It also seems like it will be for eternity. Because they just know how. It seems to be no matter what, ... it is what they actually exist for. Somehow they do it !!

And yes the intensity of solar flare electromagnetic radiation at certain levels makes them lose it and seems to get so much worse. I kind of try to watch Space Weather so that I can be on the lookout. BOLO.

Oh yes and please. No matter how stupid this seems or sounds like it is. Please take me seriously because I have been through some serious and genuine harm from this because it hasn't left me yet. But I, try not to let it make me blow or Snap. Somehow it still does. I think it will forever. And I do hope for it to don't do that and for it not to somehow, some way.

~~~~~
~~~~~



Poetry by E E Cummings. Who went outside of the norms in his poems.

Here is some poetry. For your thread.

I liked reading these

I just liked to see how we can see our own inner world in the world around us through poetry.

And I do try to Cope. Hahaha. I really do Try.


~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~




You are tired,
E. E. Cummings

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we’ll leave it far and far away–
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and–
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart–
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I’ll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.


~~~~~~
~~~~~~


maggie and milly and molly and may

maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach (to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn’t remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles: and

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
it’s always ourselves we find in the sea



~~~~~~
~~~~~~




"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always

ourselves we find in the sea. "



" May came home with a smooth brown stone as small as a world and as large as alone."



~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~



[somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond]

By E. E. Cummings
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands


~~~~~~
~~~~~~


i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)



Poetry by E E Cummings : Words outside the norms.




May be Witchcraft too. I'm sure.

 

[abefourth]

And yes I have a problem with self harm. There are two people irl that go out of their way to make life so annoying and so miserable it was harmful to be around one of them so bad that we had to flee and get away as far as we could and still stay away to this day. It was so bad that my S.O. had to put his head on his hands on the couch and cry. A grown man. ( It was a long time ago, but still ) And me, I still had the shakes until recently if I even think about her.

The other one can be such a manipulating hateful game playing trickster at times it actually causes me to hit myself on the head by being so fucked up and annoyed from it. I try to stay away and as far away as much as possible.

Those are the only two that are the individuals in real life that ONLY can be and are so annoying and destructive that they can actually go as far as fucking me up beyond belief and at any moment. And was and is enough for one lifetime. Mine. So I have to either be on guard or learn to cope every chance I can.

And I don't ever want to be around any more of it whatsoever and I refuse to ever again !!!!!!!

And they are the only two in my whole entire life that can actually and have destroyed me and that actually can do that and always have. Including financially as well. It also seems like it will be for eternity. Because they just know how. It seems to be no matter what, ... it is what they actually exist for. Somehow they do it !!

And yes the intensity of solar flare electromagnetic radiation at certain levels makes them lose it and seems to get so much worse. I kind of try to watch Space Weather so that I can be on the lookout. BOLO.

Oh yes and please. No matter how stupid this seems or sounds like it is. Please take me seriously because I have been through some serious and genuine harm from this because it hasn't left me yet. But I, try not to let it make me blow or Snap. Somehow it still does. I think it will forever. And I do hope for it to don't do that and for it not to somehow, some way.

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Poetry by E E Cummings. Who went outside of the norms in his poems.

Here is some poetry. For your thread.

I liked reading these

I just liked to see how we can see our own inner world in the world around us through poetry.

And I do try to Cope. Hahaha. I really do Try.


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You are tired,
E. E. Cummings

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we’ll leave it far and far away–
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and–
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart–
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I’ll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.


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maggie and milly and molly and may

maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach (to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn’t remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles: and

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
it’s always ourselves we find in the sea



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~~~~~~




"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always

ourselves we find in the sea. "



" May came home with a smooth brown stone as small as a world and as large as alone."



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~~~~~~~



[somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond]

By E. E. Cummings
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands


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i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)



Poetry by E E Cummings : Words outside the norms.




May be Witchcraft too. I'm sure.

Just want to take this chance to remind you how much we love you. Vewy, Vewy much.

 

[Ki3ly]

You are so frieking Cool and always have been !!!!

Of course, Michigan.

Just want to take this chance to remind you how much we love you. Vewy, Vewy much.

You also.


Lol, I Love It. .... Vewy !!!



That was so Nice @abefourth

That was above and beyond. You didn't have to do that.

Just want to take this chance to remind you how much we love you. Vewy, Vewy much.