PTSD I hurt myself yesterday. Self harm trigger warning.

[BK38]

I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed with the world and I kind of beat myself for being weak. Weak in the sense that I am not where I want to be in life, that I want to affect more positive change in general and stuff. Even just a general impotent rage at the way people treat the world and each other. I've been told all my life how "intelligent" I am and how much "potential" I have. I feel like I've done fuck all with said intelligence. I have PTSD and something triggered it the other day, that I don't really want to get in to. It does result in a bit of a state of hyper-vigilance and I am not quite myself right now (this awareness of self has taken a lot of time to foster and is a big part of the battle imo). I definitely self-medicate to deal with it (prescribed and not, abused and not).

I was a bit drunk yesterday and I was at a house party but felt alone in a room full of people in a sense. In any case, it felt acutely painful mentally in that moment, like I'll never be understood and it was a bit too much. I took a cigarette and quite badly burned my hand; intentionally (as far as a cigarette burn goes, it's...bad). It will be with me for life unfortuantely.

Anyhow, I've never self-harmed like that in such a direct literal way. It was obviously a coping mechanism of some sort and it scared me a little. I have no intention of doing something silly like that again, nor am I suicidal (though I have been in the past, with one attempt). I just want people to talk to me about their experiences with self-harm and stuff. I want to understand why you hurt yourself, because I don't fully understand why I hurt myself and maybe someone will have some insight?

I'm hurting a little guys,

Love,

BK38

 

[mal3volent]

For me I think there was a sense of relief because the physical pain was a way to escape the mental pain. It's a distraction and a way to force your brain into shifting focus away from the things you don't want to think about. There is a neurochemical reaction to it as well that is meant to calm you after physical injury. Obviously this only "works" for a very short period of time, less and less every time you do it. You stop getting a rush from it and the problem compounds. Now you have new problems and even more shame/anger/frustration. You feel more isolated. The cycle begins again.

It's fairly normal though to do shit like that, in the context you gave... there's no need to develop a complex over it. Just don't let it become habitual. As difficult as it is sometimes, try to embrace the positive aspects of your nature. There is no light without the dark , just accept that it's there and keep it stored away. Pretending it's not there is silly, but lots of people try that. And just to end with one more piece of cliche advice, exercise does a kinda similar thing but is less likely to become toxic.

 

[ions]

It hurts boss.

 

[CalicoCatLover]

I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed with the world and I kind of beat myself for being weak. Weak in the sense that I am not where I want to be in life, that I want to affect more positive change in general and stuff. Even just a general impotent rage at the way people treat the world and each other. I've been told all my life how "intelligent" I am and how much "potential" I have. I feel like I've done fuck all with said intelligence. I have PTSD and something triggered it the other day, that I don't really want to get in to. It does result in a bit of a state of hyper-vigilance and I am not quite myself right now (this awareness of self has taken a lot of time to foster and is a big part of the battle imo). I definitely self-medicate to deal with it (prescribed and not, abused and not).

I was a bit drunk yesterday and I was at a house party but felt alone in a room full of people in a sense. In any case, it felt acutely painful mentally in that moment, like I'll never be understood and it was a bit too much. I took a cigarette and quite badly burned my hand; intentionally (as far as a cigarette burn goes, it's...bad). It will be with me for life unfortuantely.

Anyhow, I've never self-harmed like that in such a direct literal way. It was obviously a coping mechanism of some sort and it scared me a little. I have no intention of doing something silly like that again, nor am I suicidal (though I have been in the past, with one attempt). I just want people to talk to me about their experiences with self-harm and stuff. I want to understand why you hurt yourself, because I don't fully understand why I hurt myself and maybe someone will have some insight?

I'm hurting a little guys,

Love,

BK38

once i was smoking weed and i put the hot metal bowl on my hand, which left a scar for quite some time. i don't really understand myself, i felt unhappy. i guess it is a reflection of the emotion, physical pain.

 

[BK38]

For me I think there was a sense of relief because the physical pain was a way to escape the mental pain. It's a distraction and a way to force your brain into shifting focus away from the things you don't want to think about. There is a neurochemical reaction to it as well that is meant to calm you after physical injury. Obviously this only "works" for a very short period of time, less and less every time you do it. You stop getting a rush from it and the problem compounds. Now you have new problems and even more shame/anger/frustration. You feel more isolated. The cycle begins again.

It's fairly normal though to do shit like that, in the context you gave... there's no need to develop a complex over it. Just don't let it become habitual. As difficult as it is sometimes, try to embrace the positive aspects of your nature. There is no light without the dark , just accept that it's there and keep it stored away. Pretending it's not there is silly, but lots of people try that. And just to end with one more piece of cliche advice, exercise does a kinda similar thing but is less likely to become toxic.

Thank you for your kind words and helping to explain things. I think you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. As you stated, my limited understanding is that you do get a rush of endorphins after you inflict yourself with pain - but it's just that, a temporary fix. I know it's not a viable option as you said, with diminishing returns. I also don't want that to spiral to the point where I feel even more isolated, that's for sure. I did think about checking myself into the mental hospital, but I don't really think that would help right now.

It's definitely not normal to behave as I did, but does make sense given the context I've provided. Makes me feel like less of a freak for you to say that. I will try to integrate more exercise into my life to blow off steam and so I don't get to the point where I feel like I have no recourse but to hurt myself.

It's funny that you mention how "there is no light without dark," an ex-girlfriend of mine gave me a pendant she designed that read "It is only through the darkness that one comes to know the light." It seems you both know that is what I need to hear and be reminded of.

I think fundamentally my nature is good, but I've taken a bit of damage. Thanks again Mal.

 

[BK38]

It hurts boss.

I hope you aren't hurting too.

 

[BK38]

once i was smoking weed and i put the hot metal bowl on my hand, which left a scar for quite some time. i don't really understand myself, i felt unhappy. i guess it is a reflection of the emotion, physical pain.

Yes, thank you for sharing, that's brave. It is a coping mechanism, albeit a bad one. I think I just needed to know why and to also not feel so alone. So, thank you.

 

[chippermonk]

I'm so sorry to hear that @BK38 . You're a good person. Pressure from being told that you are intelligent and should "achieve" more really hurts. Maybe you just want to be who you are, not fulfill someone else's expectations.
By the way, I have thought of you a number of times this week, for the simple reason that you got that Le Tigre song stuck in my head. Really great song!
Thanks for sharing your story and that song with us.

 

[BK38]

rise and shine cupcake u know the drill

This is TDS. Please kindly fuck off.

@paranoid android , I suspect this the same weirdo harassing ppl on BL and generally making a nuisance of themselves of late. Pls run an IP track. In either case, this kind of bullshit is not ok in TDS.

Edit: Already an ex-Bluelighter. In any case, I do suspect this is the same guy making a new account every day and just being a dick head in general.

 

[streaM Freak]

He is, and he is gone, and will continue to be until he gets tired of being a piece of shit.

@BK38 -
I totally agree about the dark and light thing.. but man, you have put in your time . You've been through a lot already. Seems like it was a social situation that made you look inward. Can you look inward when alone too?

 

[notsmokeymcpot42088]

once i was smoking weed and i put the hot metal bowl on my hand, which left a scar for quite some time. i don't really understand myself, i felt unhappy. i guess it is a reflection of the emotion, physical pain.

One of my only serious regret. A buddy took my cd out and through Run DMC in --- I told him not too and that I was going to bowlburn him. Than proceeded to torch the glass bowl while telling him to hit stop --- he didnt and now he has a scar I am quite sure.

Sigh --- bowlburns aren't funny

 

[BK38]

He is, and he is gone, and will continue to be until he gets tired of being a piece of shit.

@BK38 -
I totally agree about the dark and light thing.. but man, you have put in your time . You've been through a lot already. Seems like it was a social situation that made you look inward. Can you look inward when alone too?

Thank you for confirming, but I just wanted everyone to see that that kind of behavior is not OK. I suspect he's a sick, sick puppy.

Now, to your question. Yes, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and searching my head and my heart, trying to figure out what's going on with me. With that said, I think I repress a lot (which is pretty normal for bad PTSD) and that I need to let it out in a healthy way. I'm probably too in my head and that's why I made this post really. I probably look inwards too much if anything.

 

[streaM Freak]

Thank you for confirming, but I just wanted everyone to see that that kind of behavior is not OK. I suspect he's a sick, sick puppy.

Now, to your question. Yes, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and searching my head and my heart, trying to figure out what's going on with me. With that said, I think I repress a lot (which is pretty normal for bad PTSD) and that I need to let it out in a healthy way. I'm probably too in my head and that's why I made this post really. I probably look inwards too much if anything.

Well you're always a positive influence and vibe so, I don't like comparing but if you compare yourself to that piece of shit who keeps making new accounts, who really deserves the cig burn, you know?

I don't know if that helps but look at Trump, look at all the morons - we need you in ANY capacity. You standing alone drinking, most everyone would prefer over the most coherent Trump or piece of shit troll.

 

[BK38]

Well you're always a positive influence and vibe so, I don't like comparing but if you compare yourself to that piece of shit who keeps making new accounts, who really deserves the cig burn, you know?

I don't know if that helps but look at Trump, look at all the morons - we need you in ANY capacity. You standing alone drinking, most everyone would prefer over the most coherent Trump or piece of shit troll.

I don't think anyone deserves to feel that kind of pain. That guy is...something else though. He should check himself into a psych ward.

Thanks for the kind words and that I am needed in some way. I'm not religious really, but I've even started praying (to no particular god), just hoping for some divine guidance.

 

[streaM Freak]

Your life isn't even half way over probably. A lot of people peak so to speak in their middle or late ages.

 

[notsmokeymcpot42088]

One of my only serious regret. A buddy took my cd out and through Run DMC in --- I told him not too and that I was going to bowlburn him. Than proceeded to torch the glass bowl while telling him to hit stop --- he didnt and now he has a scar I am quite sure.

Sigh --- bowlburns aren't funny

In all fairness --- dont touch someone elses music is pretty written in stone. Dude saw me start torching the bowl and telling him 'i am going to burn you with this if you keep fuxing around' --- He made a choice. Why he chose to endure a bowl burn and why I went further than say an airsoft gun ---- that is my and his bad I suppose.

Hey! if I dont do it ppl think its okay to touch my shit. Now everyone has a reminder what happens when you dont fucking listen!

Really I feel horrible and would do anything I could to get that scar removed but you gotta fuckin hold your own man. I felt backed into a corner. Again I shoulda went with something less painful/permanent.

 

[ions]

Most days are good days. But some days my organs and body hurt from the drinking.

 

[BK38]

In all fairness --- dont touch someone elses music is pretty written in stone. Dude saw me start torching the bowl and telling him 'i am going to burn you with this if you keep fuxing around' --- He made a choice. Why he chose to endure a bowl burn and why I went further than say an airsoft gun ---- that is my and his bad I suppose.

Hey! if I dont do it ppl think its okay to touch my shit. Now everyone has a reminder what happens when you dont fucking listen!

Really I feel horrible and would do anything I could to get that scar removed but you gotta fuckin hold your own man. I felt backed into a corner. Again I shoulda went with something less painful/permanent.

Think we're straying a bit off topic mate. I appreciate your contribution. I'm talking about how I hurt myself as some form of fucked up coping mechanism - I didn't hurt anyone else.

Maybe I'm a bit confused about what you're getting at, but you didn't inflict the "bowl burn" on yourself, right? If you did, then I'm sorry and I may have misunderstood.

 

[BK38]

Most days are good days. But some days my organs and body hurt from the drinking.

I'm glad the vast majority of your days are good. I'm sorry to hear the pain from drinking is hurting you though - do you think of drinking as a form of self-harm or a coping mechanism for yourself?

 

[ions]

self-medicating mostly. Just trying to get through the day.