PTSD I hurt myself yesterday. Self harm trigger warning.

[notsmokeymcpot42088]

Think we're straying a bit off topic mate. I appreciate your contribution. I'm talking about how I hurt myself as some form of fucked up coping mechanism - I didn't hurt anyone else.

Maybe I'm a bit confused about what you're getting at, but you didn't inflict the "bowl burn" on yourself, right? If you did, then I'm sorry and I may have misunderstood.

Fair enough. I dont harm myself -- I just take great risks knowing there is a good chance harm is going to happen. I feel like I relate though

 

[BK38]

Fair enough. I dont harm myself -- I just take great risks knowing there is a good chance harm is going to happen. I feel like I relate though

Yes, I get that. That you kind of take risks and almost beg for something to happen? Do you think of it as a kind of self-destructive motive? Essentially that you want to take some damage or at least risk it?

 

[notsmokeymcpot42088]

Yes, I get that. That you kind of take risks and almost beg for something to happen? Do you think of it as a kind of self-destructive motive? Essentially that you want to take some damage or at least risk it?

A little bit yea -- the risk makes me feel alive. I do "Wish a mother fucker would" kind of regardless of outcome. Since I was about 12 I have had a principle of "Only fight people who you should be able to kick your ass" --- lost a few that way playing way out of my weight class.

I dont want to be harmed or anything --- it just seems important people know I do not care if that is the way things go down --- so be it.

An example is I remember a fella sticking a knife to my throat while driving --- I put my foot on the gas pedal and said "Go for it man" at about 100. I didnt really care tbh, we can both die right now that is alright with me

 

[BK38]

An example is I remember a fella sticking a knife to my throat while driving --- I put my foot on the gas pedal and said "Go for it man" at about 100. I didnt really care tbh, we can both die right now that is alright with me

That's really intense. I get it to a degree. The "pick on someone your own size" mentality. I have a very strong sense of justice and if I perish defending people that can't defend themselves then so be it. I don't have a death wish or anything, but that kind of "loco indifference" I can relate to.

 

[abefourth]

I have an extensive history of self-harm (mostly cutting). My left arm had numerous scars from it now. At one point I had what may have been a suicide attempt - severed my jugular vein and a tendon in my wrist and had to have emergency surgery. I don't think I truly intended to end my life. But I was in a very hurting place and I had been hospitalized 2-3 times previously. Once was after I had a drunk driving incident where I flipped my car on a highway. My mental health teams think my depression and suicidal ideation gets much worse with alcohol use (so do I). I've been receiving mental help from a community mental health team for the past 4 years or so.

I don't know you especially well but I really like what I know of you. I can understand not wanting to check into the mental hospital and why it might not be the best idea. But if things get to where you consider extreme self-harm or have suicidal ideation please more carefully consider going to the hospital. They can be of some help (although as documented here in certain threads they can do more harm than good sometimes). I got help and now I'm in the best place I've been in in 5+ years.

 

[BK38]

I have an extensive history of self-harm (mostly cutting). My left arm had numerous scars from it now. At one point I had what may have been a suicide attempt - severed my jugular vein and a tendon in my wrist and had to have emergency surgery. I don't think I truly intended to end my life. But I was in a very hurting place and I had been hospitalized 2-3 times previously. Once was after I had a drunk driving incident where I flipped my car on a highway. My mental health teams think my depression and suicidal ideation gets much worse with alcohol use (so do I). I've been receiving mental help from a community mental health team for the past 4 years or so.

I don't know you especially well but I really like what I know of you. I can understand not wanting to check into the mental hospital and why it might not be the best idea. But if things get to where you consider extreme self-harm or have suicidal ideation please more carefully consider going to the hospital. They can be of some help (although as documented here in certain threads they can do more harm than good sometimes). I got help and now I'm in the best place I've been in in 5+ years.

Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it; it takes guts. It sounds like you've had a very rough ride, but I am sincerely happy you're in a good place now. I've also been hospitalized a number of times (including 2 where I was sectioned/5150'd - one hospitalization was about a year). I have also tentatively decided to quit drinking - certainly no heavy drinking right now (though today's a tough one given it's the 4th of July - I feel like I should shotgun at least 1 beer - is that wrong? haha, sorry bit of dark humor there).

You sound like a really nice person and I know thinking about self-harm and stuff can be very difficult, so thank you for reflecting and giving me some sage advice. I understand you have to think about those dark times to help me and that in and of its self is a form of selfless sacrifice or altruism. So from the bottom of my heart; merci beaucoup. I don't know you very well either, but I'd like to get to know you better

I do not have suicidal ideation or the urge to seriously harm myself right now, but if it starts getting bad, I will definitely check myself into the hospital.

 

[Flynnal]

Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it; it takes guts. It sounds like you've had a very rough ride, but I am sincerely happy you're in a good place now. I've also been hospitalized a number of times (including 2 where I was sectioned/5150'd - one hospitalization was about a year). I have also tentatively decided to quit drinking - certainly no heavy drinking right now (though today's a tough one given it's the 4th of July - I feel like I should shotgun at least 1 beer - is that wrong? haha, sorry bit of dark humor there).

You sound like a really nice person and I know thinking about self-harm and stuff can be very difficult, so thank you for reflecting and giving me some sage advice. I understand you have to think about those dark times to help me and that in and of its self is a form of selfless sacrifice or altruism. So from the bottom of my heart; merci beaucoup. I don't know you very well either, but I'd like to get to know you better

I do not have suicidal ideation or the urge to seriously harm myself right now, but if it starts getting bad, I will definitely check myself into the hospital.

Please do. I self-harmed in November 2022 up until February/March 2023 and have done serious damage as a result. Check in and see someone urgently if you think you are going to do it. Not a day goes past that I don't regret the damage I did, it started in earnest in November 2022 after struggling with tinnitus and hearing issues. Online bullying and dealing with assholes online led me to head strikes, and lots of them. I went into a blind rage and started hitting myself with both fists. I was sitting down, if I'd been standing up at the time I could have literally killed myself with the damage I would have done. Now the hearing issues are worse, and on the other side got much worse too. Self-harm, especially head strikes, is a bad idea and you need to nip it in the bud before it gets bad.

Keep an eye on your mood, and chin up, as best you can.

 

[BK38]

Please do. I self-harmed in November 2022 up until February/March 2023 and have done serious damage as a result. Check in and see someone urgently if you think you are going to do it. Not a day goes past that I don't regret the damage I did, it started in earnest in November 2022 after struggling with tinnitus and hearing issues. Online bullying and dealing with assholes online led me to head strikes, and lots of them. I went into a blind rage and started hitting myself with both fists. I was sitting down, if I'd been standing up at the time I could have literally killed myself with the damage I would have done. Now the hearing issues are worse, and on the other side got much worse too. Self-harm, especially head strikes, is a bad idea and you need to nip it in the bud before it gets bad.

Keep an eye on your mood, and chin up, as best you can.

That sounds terrible to deal with and I'm sorry you went through such a difficult period, even worse, your quality of life diminished as a result. I've never struck my head in that way (I have given myself a hard slap to the face before though). I hope you're doing better.

I'm keeping a close eye on myself and my thought patterns and thankfully I think this episode was a one time event (I really don't need any more scars, burns or other injuries etc either).

Thank you for sharing your experience and I admire your courage in doing so. Again, you and others here have legitimately made me feel that although I am somewhat troubled with my PTSD, I can get this through this and that I am not fundamentally "broken."

Also yes, If I really start to spiral further out of control, I will seek professional help.

 

[PtahTek]

felt alone in a room full of people in a sense. In any case, it felt acutely painful mentally

i have started feeling that the "disconnect" is that those who dont "fit in" are just running on a different operating system that doesnt care for bloatware pre installed (small talk, *static - noise without substance, distraction etc.) .
maybe the environment is not conductive to ones expectations. the world population (mostly) has been desensitized, isolated, programmed for failure - ones own not the failure of a system, dumbed down and are a commodity for trade to the highest bidder.
it does not surprise me one bit that what we have before us creates tins of others that do not "fit" into a niche as the niches are also pre loaded as *options.
ptsd is no freakin joke as it comes with a lot of heavy baggage. been trying to slide out from under that weight for many decades and nothing that I have found is a magic bullet. i feel that there may be more than one factor that contributes to our personal well being. just opinion.
for the last few years i tried psychotherapy and it seemed to help somewhat to get an understanding if whats going on under the hood but honestly nothing really helped the issue (though, tbf, there was a little headway) until i added a few choice psychedelics. most were one offs but one lingers for the moment.. now looking back it all kinda tied together and i think i see a way forward but only time will tell. i even told therapist that yeah, it feels like its solid but so did alcohol, drugs, sex, religion(s), sports, working......

I just want people to talk to me about their experiences with self-harm

i practiced self harm in many ways but my most destructive was passive or by proxy. i just wanted out but refused to take my own life because of cowardice, hope or something totally off radar idk.
honestly i still dont care to be here but if i am going to be around I would rather it not be as torturous as i am used to.
maybe pain makes us feel like we are actually here in the now instead of being a non player character in someones sick game. I refuse to play. i needed de programmed so I could start a new, clean installation of the OS.
not discarding the monstrosity that is a part of me but rather letting other parts express themselves more often. trying to find that balance, peace and above all... wholeness.

i get it, though.
my usual default in a situation you were in would be to just slip out unnoticed. gone.
now i am a bit more comfortable in my skin and if someone doesnt care how i react or dont react to stimuli thats on them its not mine. fuck em.

best with this troubling situation.

why do you feel you burned yourself? no judgements i did it many times as a younger me.

 

[BK38]

i have started feeling that the "disconnect" is that those who dont "fit in" are just running on a different operating system that doesnt care for bloatware pre installed (small talk, *static - noise without substance, distraction etc.) .
maybe the environment is not conductive to ones expectations. the world population (mostly) has been desensitized, isolated, programmed for failure - ones own not the failure of a system, dumbed down and are a commodity for trade to the highest bidder.
it does not surprise me one bit that what we have before us creates tins of others that do not "fit" into a niche as the niches are also pre loaded as *options.
ptsd is no freakin joke as it comes with a lot of heavy baggage. been trying to slide out from under that weight for many decades and nothing that I have found is a magic bullet. i feel that there may be more than one factor that contributes to our personal well being. just opinion.
for the last few years i tried psychotherapy and it seemed to help somewhat to get an understanding if whats going on under the hood but honestly nothing really helped the issue (though, tbf, there was a little headway) until i added a few choice psychedelics. most were one offs but one lingers for the moment.. now looking back it all kinda tied together and i think i see a way forward but only time will tell. i even told therapist that yeah, it feels like its solid but so did alcohol, drugs, sex, religion(s), sports, working......


i practiced self harm in many ways but my most destructive was passive or by proxy. i just wanted out but refused to take my own life because of cowardice, hope or something totally off radar idk.
honestly i still dont care to be here but if i am going to be around I would rather it not be as torturous as i am used to.
maybe pain makes us feel like we are actually here in the now instead of being a non player character in someones sick game. I refuse to play. i needed de programmed so I could start a new, clean installation of the OS.
not discarding the monstrosity that is a part of me but rather letting other parts express themselves more often. trying to find that balance, peace and above all... wholeness.

i get it, though.
my usual default in a situation you were in would be to just slip out unnoticed. gone.
now i am a bit more comfortable in my skin and if someone doesnt care how i react or dont react to stimuli thats on them its not mine. fuck em.

best with this troubling situation.

why do you feel you burned yourself? no judgements i did it many times as a younger me.

Wow, what a well thought out response; thank you for taking the time to write to me about how you feel and the stuff regarding one's brain completely makes sense to me. I think I burned myself because of all the static and bullshit around me. It felt, in that moment, that no one could understand me. The real me; that cares about every living thing, that tries to help others through the darkness by showing them my scars and telling them my tales (not tall ones though - got to try and be my authentic self). I suppose in that moment I felt overwhelmed and because I was a bit drunk and running on a different frequency than those around me, I got frustrated and angry with myself too. It's funny you talk about your OS and I've always thought that certain psychedelics can really help to"defrag" the brain. Thanks man, I think you and I are similarly odd ducks. Birds of a feather stick together.

Thanks again. It really helps to have someone break it down as you did.

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