Vent/Rant Thread 1 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

[zombiesarepeaceful]

One thing I cannot emphasize enough: never forget to say I love you. My gma called me literally minutes before she died, she raised me, she was everything to me....she called me, and I forgot to say I love you. I will never forget it as long as I live. She might "know" I love her now...but I don't know that for sure, so I never have really forgiven myself.

"how do I cope when someone I love actually dies" - n3o

I don't know really, I never did go through the normal documented coping process....I still cope to this day, its been almost 4 years and I just numb my emotions in order to cope. She was the only person I truly loved. Our birthdays were 2 days apart so that time of the year is sorta..surreal. You'll always miss that person, nothing changes that, ever. No matter how much closure you have. I had no closure. I doubt I ever will. I guess in the end, we just deal and wonder.

 

[SideOrderOfOpiates]

I hate everyone and everything.

 

[S.M.F.G]

just cant seem to be able to handle myself right now

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I hate everyone and everything.

I second this motion

 

[Fyasko.]

I second this motion

3rd

last night was great, i got to watch all of my friends make out under the fireworks at the park, and i got to sit there alone, and on our way out i saw my ex (who is the only person ive ever cried over, i still love them) and the first thing they said was how greasy i looked.

it ripped me in half, i immediatley turned around and had to contain myself from crying.

some people...

 

[Carefree]

I'm feeling suicidal and occasionally sick to my stomach with lonesomeness. I feel like a pussy for even writing this. But here goes.
Been trying different antidepressants for over a year now. Shit out of luck. Not going to go into the whole matter of old combinations, because they don't really matter anymore. All I can say is, fuck wellbutrin/bupropion. It helped me a little bit at the maximum dose (450mg a day) about 8 months ago, and my psychiatrist thinks I am all better now. Although it helps to get me out of bed in the morning (the only thing it does), the wellbutrin has completely blocked off a creative sector of my brain which I have had my whole life, a special part of my brain, and I only know of one other person with the same thing (my brother).
This creative part of my brain is unimaginable to my psychiatrist. He thinks I imagined it and it was only from the brief hallucinogen (salvia, fuck that shit) use and occasional hit of bud. He always says that humans don't have a good recollection of emotional states, and memory is very subjective to the mood you are currently in. Which is true to an extent, but I know I had something that I lost. I always have this little voice in the back of my head that has guided me along and let me know my place in the world.
I can't manage to convince him to get me off the wellbutrin. I have been using a little pot, opiates, benzos, entheogens, and other shit over the past two years or so (since I got into drug use) just to try to feel normal. The psych doesn't understand this, and just blames me for the use and complains that I'm making his job "impossible."That might be true to some extent, but for fucks sake, he can't see that I have lost something that I cherish as an ARTIST who needs to be creative. The only medication that has really helped me markedly is kpin, and I have sort of been abusing every now and then. I know I shouldn't but I just want to be able to enjoy something.
I sometimes keep secrets from my psychs... But eventually tell them.
Right now I'm in between a rock and hard place. The psychiatrist has finally proposed to take me partially off the wellbutrin, down to 300mg a day (which did nothing for me when i was on that dose). So besides the other meds (Paxil, Abilify, Klonopin), I'm going to be left out in the middle of my barren wasteland of emotions.
It's the summer and I don't have a fucking job so there is nothing I can do all day besides lay in bed. Very little motivation, and that can only get worse if I get taken off the wellbutrin. But in all honesty, it's worth it to get my creativity back. I'll feel like a person again...
No girlfriend, no one to talk to besides my psychologist, who I can barely afford. I don't feel like I have any close friends who would understand all of this, and my best friend, my brother, smokes weed almost everyday (used to be an everyday smoker) and has a great girlfriend to keep him content. I would just weigh him down with my emotions and don't want to be downer.
I'm tempted as hell to get high on anything I can find, just to feel.
I won't end it all, I've made the decision long ago to stick it out until the bitter end... That little wordless voice is the only thing that has been keeping me going all this time.

 

[Fyasko.]

Carefree you deffinitley shouldnt feel like a pussy for posting, this is what TDS is for, is to help and support the people who need it

it sounds like you and your therapist dont get along, maybe you should switch to someone new?
and are you sure that the wellbutrin has taken away your creativity? maybe its still there, you just have to look for it :D

 

[Carefree]

Carefree you deffinitley shouldnt feel like a pussy for posting, this is what TDS is for, is to help and support the people who need it

it sounds like you and your therapist dont get along, maybe you should switch to someone new?
and are you sure that the wellbutrin has taken away your creativity? maybe its still there, you just have to look for it :D

Yeah maybe i'll switch, but he's ultimately good at what he does. And yeah, I've tried...

 

[Asclepius]

Arse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So annoyed and fucking sick of moodswings...

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Oh hun, I know exactly what you mean. It's so exhausting isn't it! And these days my poor boyfriend doesn't know which n3o he's dealing with from one day to the next, or from one HOUR to the next
Are you okay today love?


Carefree, as Fyasko said, you're definitely not a pussy for posting in here!! It actually takes more courage to admit that you're not okay and to reach out for help, than it does to suppress everything and pretend you're okay

Your psychiatrist is not respecting your requests nor is he respecting what you are telling him about your experiences. It doesn't sound like he is working well for you right now. I'm sure your current psych is good at what he does, because he's had years of training so I'm sure he knows his shit. But ultimately, if you're not getting better, and he is ignoring you when you tell him that you're not getting better, then, well, you're not going to get better while you're under his care. Please don't be afraid to find a different psychiatrist.

Also, please believe that you WILL get better one day soon. You WILL feel happy again and your creativity will flourish once again. I know it doesn't seem like it, right now. But I have been through it so I know first-hand that you will be okay

 

[Fyasko.]

^^ Oh hun, I know exactly what you mean. It's so exhausting isn't it! And these days my poor boyfriend doesn't know which n3o he's dealing with from one day to the next, or from one HOUR to the next
Are you okay today love?


Carefree, as Fyasko said, you're definitely not a pussy for posting in here!! It actually takes more courage to admit that you're not okay and to reach out for help, than it does to suppress everything and pretend you're okay

Your psychiatrist is not respecting your requests nor is he respecting what you are telling him about your experiences. It doesn't sound like he is working well for you right now. I'm sure your current psych is good at what he does, because he's had years of training so I'm sure he knows his shit. But ultimately, if you're not getting better, and he is ignoring you when you tell him that you're not getting better, then, well, you're not going to get better while you're under his care. Please don't be afraid to find a different psychiatrist.

Also, please believe that you WILL get better one day soon. You WILL feel happy again and your creativity will flourish once again. I know it doesn't seem like it, right now. But I have been through it so I know first-hand that you will be okay

great response n3o (and im sorry to hear about the moods i agree they arent fun AT ALL)

ive actually gone through several therapists trying to find the right one, and i found him, but its an hour drive to get to him

 

[Carefree]

Carefree, as Fyasko said, you're definitely not a pussy for posting in here!! It actually takes more courage to admit that you're not okay and to reach out for help, than it does to suppress everything and pretend you're okay

Your psychiatrist is not respecting your requests nor is he respecting what you are telling him about your experiences. It doesn't sound like he is working well for you right now. I'm sure your current psych is good at what he does, because he's had years of training so I'm sure he knows his shit. But ultimately, if you're not getting better, and he is ignoring you when you tell him that you're not getting better, then, well, you're not going to get better while you're under his care. Please don't be afraid to find a different psychiatrist.

Also, please believe that you WILL get better one day soon. You WILL feel happy again and your creativity will flourish once again. I know it doesn't seem like it, right now. But I have been through it so I know first-hand that you will be okay

Thank you very much, the people at Bluelight never fail to amaze me

 

[n3ophy7e]

No worries man, that's what this forum is here for
Please feel free to PM me any time if you need to talk


And thanks Fyasko

 

[Ixchellian]

WTF is it, that whenever I meet someone that I completely get along with and care about, they become so completely unavailable and uncaring.....
And/Or....
I'm sick being put in the fucking "friend-zone". It's such a cop-out..... and really disingenuous when I learn the reasons why later.

 

[PendulumAM]

i've just been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder...one one hand its feels better to know that there is a reason that I have been socially inept my whole life and that maybe my paranoia about everyone thinking im a weird freak is all in my head. and yet its embarassing, i'm a fucking mental case, I feel like everyone looks at me in pity or is creeped out by me because i am just so fucking strange. i feel like i have no personality or interests of my own and whenever i talk to someone or hang out with them, i try to act like them and "mold" myself into their image so that they will like me. i can never have best friends and I prefer to be alone but i crave the friendships that I see other people have. I cant even make friends on the internet. i wish I had better social skills but I feel I cant do anything about it. I always end up pushing people away when they get close to me because I wonder how they can like me or I think they are starting to see how strange or uninteresting I am.

 

[S.M.F.G]

im feelin quite level atm and am posting about in TDS as its where im normaly hangin or lurkin, just makes me angry that ive not the energy or time to do this more often

 

[SideOrderOfOpiates]

I cannot even begin to fathom the type of indirect harassment I just came across with my photo on the internet (not sexually explicit content, but far worse actually...yes, I assure you, there is a worse type of harassment). When will these people GROW THE FUCK UP AND STOP PUTTING FORTH SO MUCH EFFORT TO PUBLICLY 'BASH' ME! NOTHING could possess me to do what you people have done—NOTHING.

 

[Fyasko.]

i've just been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder...one one hand its feels better to know that there is a reason that I have been socially inept my whole life and that maybe my paranoia about everyone thinking im a weird freak is all in my head. and yet its embarassing, i'm a fucking mental case, I feel like everyone looks at me in pity or is creeped out by me because i am just so fucking strange. i feel like i have no personality or interests of my own and whenever i talk to someone or hang out with them, i try to act like them and "mold" myself into their image so that they will like me. i can never have best friends and I prefer to be alone but i crave the friendships that I see other people have. I cant even make friends on the internet. i wish I had better social skills but I feel I cant do anything about it. I always end up pushing people away when they get close to me because I wonder how they can like me or I think they are starting to see how strange or uninteresting I am.

im so sorry to hear that have you had any past experiences with drugs that might've cause depersonalization/derealization?
imo the best thing for you to do would be to act like yourself and not like the people you're with.
if they dont like the way you act, then they arent meant to be your friends, you shouldnt have to pretend to be someone else in order to have friends

and if you wanna work on your social skills just start small, like here on BL, or if you're out at the market, chat it up with the person at the register:D before you know it you'll be crackin jokes with random people on the streets. it gets easier the more you do it haha trust me and i love your profile pic (thats Toki from metalocylpse right?:D)

 

[n3ophy7e]

I cannot even begin to fathom the type of indirect harassment I just came across with my photo on the internet (not sexually explicit content, but far worse actually...yes, I assure you, there is a worse type of harassment). When will these people GROW THE FUCK UP AND STOP PUTTING FORTH SO MUCH EFFORT TO PUBLICLY 'BASH' ME! NOTHING could possess me to do what you people have done—NOTHING.

What happened hun?? Regardless, don't let them get you down. You're better than them!

 

[Ixchellian]

I cannot even begin to fathom the type of indirect harassment I just came across with my photo on the internet (not sexually explicit content, but far worse actually...yes, I assure you, there is a worse type of harassment). When will these people GROW THE FUCK UP AND STOP PUTTING FORTH SO MUCH EFFORT TO PUBLICLY 'BASH' ME! NOTHING could possess me to do what you people have done—NOTHING.

Alright, who do I have to track down and apply some enhanced-interrogation techniques to??
<rage>