Self-harm support thread v. 3

[Dragynfyr]

The scars on my legs which are huge and keloid,

Are you black or of darker skin? I just have to ask because I rubbed pot ash deep into my wide wounds back in the day and did not get anything close to what Africans get rubbing ash in their wounds. (And we are talking a half inch wide cut here) There is a MAJOR change though, I have two wounds of equal size right next to each other, one rubbed one not, and he ashed wound in much more distinguishable, just not as raised as a black persons would be. (Sorry to offend racially or anything, just curious). My big eye cut, the one I was hoping to turn into a chameleon tat is wide and ash filled sooo yea, would like to have as much info as possible before going into the tat store.


Don't mean to offend, just gotta ask cause dark skinned people get much better raised scars and I could see that leading to more seepage.

Thanks much =)

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Nope, I'm white, and not offended by you asking
It's just that the cuts were deep, and not properly tended to by my doctor (i.e. she didn't stitch me up, like I asked her to)

 

[Modify_you]

I had a moment of relapse

I don't know how many people this affects on the board, but I had been a recovered cutter for about 3 years. I'd been having a really rough time dealing with some shit lately. I ended up going on a bit of a bender, drank way too much, did a bunch of coke and didn't leave my house for like 3 days.

I found myself in a worse spot after the fact just super depressed and pissed at the world. I ended up taking apart a razor and digging three lines into the top of my leg, which is already pretty scarred up from previous incidents.

I woke up the next day and found myself in a worse state of mind after I realized what I had done. I'm in a position now where I can't stop beating myself over it, and I find myself falling back into the same mindset that I had when I had a serious problem. So I dunno, I don't want to fall back into where I was cause I worked so hard to get out of that funk, but I find myself gravitating twords that shit again.


Anyway sorry about the rant. I suppose if theres anyone else who's had issues with this and could give me some advice that would be awesome

 

[Modify_you]

Wow... now i feel like an idoit, I didn't see the suppost thread at the top of the page.. Feel free to move this or delete it or whatever the mods feel necessary.

yeah sorry bout that.

 

[n3ophy7e]

No worries at all man, I'll merge your posts in with the existing thread because we have a fair few regulars in the support thread who will be able to help you

As a cutter myself, I strongly relate to what you're going through. The thing you need to remember is that YOU ultimately have control over your actions, so if you don't want to start the cutting cycle again, then you CAN stop yourself from doing it.

Have you ever had any counselling or other professional help for not only your self-harm, but also your depression and/or substance abuse?

 

[Modify_you]

Yeah.. I actually started cutting right around the time I was put in court ordered counselling and filled with anti depressants. I personally feel that made it worse cause it felt like rather than trying to help me deal with shit they just wanted to medicate me and more or less keep me down. Shitty time in my life I have no desire to revisit.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Yeah man that is really rough, and clearly didn't help you at all
How's your substance use at the moment, including alcohol? You mentioned cutting when you were on your 3-day bender. Are you using drugs/alcohol on a daily basis aside from the bender you just had?

 

[Modify_you]

Not really.. I mean I'm a daily pot smoker and that usually keeps me in a pretty good frame of mind. It's really strange, I don't usually like to go on runs with coke. It's pretty low on my list of choice drugs it just kinda fell into my lap and I didn't pay for it, so i figured why not have some fun with it. And apparently its not a good choice for me.

As far as alcohol goes, I generally go out with some friends once or twice a week. Get good and loaded and don't go out again until Its a social thing.

 

[n3ophy7e]

It's good that you don't drink often, and that you don't drink alone. Alcohol (and benzos while we're at it) are particularly notorious for making us self-harmers want to hurt ourselves.

So you've ascertained that coke is no good for you, so it's best to steer clear of it altogether now. It's just not worth it man. I've had to make the same decision about smoking pot, because it makes me really super depressed for the few days after getting stoned, and that's when I start to feel suicidal. Sometimes we need to cross certain substances off the list of things we're allowed to indulge in, know what I mean?

On another note, how are the actual cuts you've just done? Are they clean and properly dressed?

 

[Modify_you]

They are clean, I actually sutured one of them (suturing yourself sucks waaaaaay more than the actual cut itself) and the other two are being held together with steri-strips, and covered with sterile bandages.

I have the benefit of having access to a whole bunch of medical supplies, so i use that to my advantage when needed.

 

[n3ophy7e]

That's good. Do you feel the urge to cut again or do you think you'll be okay?

 

[Modify_you]

Yeah I dunno.. I'm more pissed at myself than anything.. I'm thinking I'm gonna go get tattooed tomorrow. That usually tends to pull me out of any wierd funk I'm in.

 

[n3ophy7e]

That's a great idea! Getting a tattoo releases endorphins in the same way that cutting does, so it will give you similar rush, but without the regret.
What are you thinking of getting done?

 

[Modify_you]

I work at a tattoo shop and am a walking unfinished canvas... I'll probably just get some color added to one of them.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I work at a tattoo shop

I am officially envious of you then :D
I have so many tattoo plans, but it's all going to be so expensive to get them all done! Do you get a staff discount?
You should maybe think about posting some of your tatts in the TDS photo thread as well, I'd love to see them

I used to cut myself. I didn't do it for over a year now but both of my hands are covered in scar tissues from my wrists up to my shoulders. It sucks so much.. During one very unfortunate accident I almost got to my veins and I had to get stitches for four deep cuts on my wrists. Going to the health center in the morning wrapped up in blood-soaked bondage and asking for help was one of the worst experiences of my life. I remember the confused, judging, almost disgusted faces of receptionists that started to tell that "it's been too long since you cut them, we don't have anyone on the staff now to do it, why did you do that, etc". I told them that I tried to kill myself but failed in cutting deep enough and I am bleeding and they should do something about it because that's their job. I felt horrible. They ended up calling someone in and I got my stitches. The nurse who did it made sure that there are no records and they charged me nothing instead of 50 dollars for a stitch. I was very grateful to that person... That event really changed that habit. I didn't cut myself since then but there were many times when I really wanted to do that but I knew that if I start again there's no way I will stop.. So far so good, I am holding on.
For all of you cutters here. Keep it up.. The instant gratification and this sweet sharp pain, beautiful blood are not the ways out. They just leave permanent marks of your depression. Having mental scars sucks but having physical reminders for the rest of your life is even worse.

I'm sorry OhZvir, I only just saw your post now!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can really relate to the shame of having to go to the medical centre after cutting. The last time I had to get stitches, when the nurse was stitching me up I just sat there sobbing, I was so embarrassed. When I read what you said about the receptionist's reaction I literally cringed!! So awful! Some people just have no idea, honestly.
Anyway, I'm really glad that it made you decide to quit cutting. Keep it up okay?

 

[Modify_you]

! Do you get a staff discount?
You should maybe think about posting some of your tatts in the TDS photo thread as well, I'd love to see them /QUOTE]

As of last night I have an antique streetlight tattooed down the front of my left leg. As far as do i get a discount? For the most part all of my work has been free. We usually just buy lunch for the artist or something along those lines.

 

[rangrz]

They are clean, I actually sutured one of them (suturing yourself sucks waaaaaay more than the actual cut itself) and the other two are being held together with steri-strips, and covered with sterile bandages.

I have the benefit of having access to a whole bunch of medical supplies, so i use that to my advantage when needed.

next time, apply some benzocaine or even get some RC dimethocaine for the sutures...it will dull the pain alot, allowing you to do a neater, less scarring job.

 

[Modify_you]

I had lidocane with epenephrine which helped control the bleeding and the pain pretty well. I was more pissed at myself than anything, and was beating myself up about it for most of the time I was actually stitching myself up.

Sorry if that got misinterpreted at all..

Good looking out though, I'll check into those. Hopefully they are cheaper than what I was using.

 

[rangrz]

Dimethocaine should control bleeding and provide local analgesia at once, as its a decently strong stimulant as well as a local analgesic, so I'm guessing it would induce vasoconstriction like its sch II cousin does and hence finds use in ENT surgery.

 

[Modify_you]

Is it FDA regulated? If it is I may have a hard time getting my hands on it. The main reason I use Lido is because it can be found fairly easily without a medical license if you know where to look. Same with sutures, though they are controlled under medical sanctioning.