Introduce Yourself

[Cartesia]

hey and welcome,

I can sympathise about the mother situation.. well mine it's a little different situation, but has the same effects/outcome on me. Guilt, feeling responsible for her, trying to keep my issues away from her (like yours, she has enough of her own things to deal with), trying to help her probably more than she expects from me even though it wears me out (I love her but we do not get on well at all.. i feel i have to look after her even though the way she treats me is destroying me)

Dont forget she is your mother though.. you might not want to burden her, but deep down most mothers want nothing more than to help their children whenever they need it, even if it stresses them out, burdens them, etc.

I know what you feel about money too.. all my clothes are old and screwed up because I dont want to 'waste' my money on non-drugs. my phone is always disconnected from not paying the bill, my shoes are torn up..

It's cool that you have a girlfriend.. that must be a really big help to have someone there! Also to be able to put your attention towards other people - that's a good way to avoid the cycle of spiralling further into depression/anxiety/negativity - Try to focus on the world around you rather than within your own mind (although that's important in some ways too)

Glad that your studies are going OK.. just try to keep it up! I screwed up university more than once.. never finished. I have always been interested in many things, but the way they run university is not very flexible with drug addiction and being high all the time.. Now I just learn things myself.. I will never have a formal degree, but I dont really like the way society is anyway.. and hope I'll be able to get through life without having to fall into the expected path of career-homeloan-marriage-family-death..
What are you studying?


...Since you can't afford a psych, is there a free university counseling service? (with properly trained people.. not just religious reps/volunteers)

I don't know what the situation with that is in the US - here in australia it's good.. I wouldn't really trust the counsellors for diagnosing things, but they are perfectly able to talk, teach/engage in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and offer some other help.

If you haven't done CBT, it can do wonders for changing how you view and deal with your situation.. especially with anxiety disorders, overly pessimistic view on life, etc... It's not magic, or a load of worthless nonsense... it's just about getting into the habit of logically/objectively analysing things/thoughts before your mind jumps to negative conclusions.. people generally think they are already logical, but when thinking of yourself the mind tends to normally just 'assume' that it is right.. but often if you analyse the thoughts and what's going on, there will be a logical discrepancy...

CBT isn't really a solution to your problem, but it can help to deal with things and keep you going until you figure it all out...

As for antidepressants.. They're just more drugs really! (not to say that some aren't legitimately useful of course) - but it seems like the way you're feeling is more a symptom than the base problem.

 

[OhZvir]

2Cartesia

Thank you so much for your advises and support! It's magical how things can start to look slightly better at least for some time and a smile appears if only someone hears you out.
I have never looked into CBT, I've been always skeptical about such things but it never hurts to try, I will follow your advise.
I just can't imagine attending a counseling service and talk with a stranger who probably heard thousands of stories and who knows what is going on in the head of that person.
Homeloan-marriage-family-death scenario sounds horrible indeed! I just hope that you will also find happiness no matter what path will you follow, after all it doesn't matter what scenario it is as far as before you die there are no regrets and it feels that the life was well lived after all.
You know, thank you so much for your words! I would love to respond more but then it would probably be off topic and I can't send PMs yet. I can't say enough how much I hope that things will be OK with you and your mom, I understand how it is important to have a stable, secure family in order to fight through the problems in life.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I'm in adelaide, looking at moving east early next year.. brisbane, wollongong, melbourne.. all possibilities. 95% sure I'll be leaving adelaide though.

Hmmm you seemed to have missed listing Sydney there Why wouldn't you come to Sydney?
My younger brother lives in Wollongong, I love it down there. I would recommend it. It's close enough to Sydney if you ever wanted to come here for any reason, but it's still a really relaxed and fun lifestyle down there.

I just can't imagine attending a counseling service and talk with a stranger who probably heard thousands of stories and who knows what is going on in the head of that person.

Firstly, hello and welcome OhZvir
Just quickly in regards to your comment about counselling, coming from a person who loves to listen and help people, it doesn't matter how many stories a counsellor has heard. They are all unique and just as important as the previous and the next story they hear. And you know what? I personally think that counselling is not so much about the counsellor picking your brain and figuring you out, it's more about giving you an opportunity to say what's on your mind, and in a way that can sometimes be even more helpful than someone actively giving you advice. Know what I mean?

In other words, it's definitely worth giving some counselling a try, to see if it helps you.

one word of advice though, if you don't mesh well with one particular counsellor, try a different one. They're only human as well so sometimes as a patient/client we just don't work well with some people.

Keep us updated

 

[CryToMe]

This is my first post! Been reading for several months now. Keep coming back to TDS. Im trying to deal with my depression and anxiety and basically not fall apart and feel like this is the first time in my life that I am facing the reality of how living like this in my head is incredibly fucked up. I have got to find peace of mind, somehow some way. Writing this, I want to cry. I feel like there are ppl out there who do understand but in my head, my house, my world, I'm faking it till I make it and I'm exhausted with the pressure of it all.
But anyway here I am

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi CryToMe, I'm glad you've decided to start posting. Welcome to The Dark Side
Having lived with depression for pretty much my whole life, I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. Are you currently undergoing any treatment for your condition? Or have you considered any treatment options?

 

[godlovesugly]

hi im new..im deedee. i have major depression. i have episodes of Hypomania. i have OCD, PTSD, anxiety, and panic attacks. ive always lived with mental illness but at 18 yrs old i started to self-medicate by drinking and drugging. so ofcourse the drugs made my mental illnesses much worse now. ive tried to get sober many times, but i just cant do it. i feel as though my mental illnesses are way too much to handle, almost like i NEED drugs to get through everyday. ive been in my addiction for 7 years now..

ive always been this way...its all ive ever known. i feel like damaged goods. i have too many issues. what the f is wrong with me? whats wrong with my head, and the way i think.

 

[OhZvir]

^^
Hello godlovesugly and welcome! I am glad that you shared your worries. It sounds like things are not too well on your side. . . Have you ever visited a doctor? Maybe there are ways to help you out using proper medicines, which are still drugs, but at least less dangerous and harmful than what you are accustomed to taking? What are some drugs of your choice? If you feel that your drug addiction definitely drags you down maybe you should try to quit some of them or at least reduce the intake to the point that you don't feel like they control your life.
It might be silly but maybe you should take a week off and rent a cabin in the woods or get out somewhere into the nature where you can stay clean, be by yourself a little and just try to figure things out somehow?
But first of all, you shouldn't be self-critical so much. I am sure in many ways you are a great person who sees things differently from most of your peers. No one is perfect, everyone has issues but it's just a part of you that makes you who you are. You are not damaged goods by any means. You faced a tough life and went through a lot, trying to make decisions in the best way you can.
Take it easy. Find something that makes you happy besides drugs. Make some good friends who will be there for you. At some point of time you will realized that the worst is behind, once you hit the bottom there's only one way to go - up.
Take care and don't be afraid to talk about anything.

4 n3ophy7e
Thank you for your kind words and your concern. Maybe I should change my opinion about counseling. I will be thinking about it and perhaps when I feel that I am starting to loose it again I will try it out, especially since it's free through my University.

 

[ImtheOcean]

Hi mate, welcome to The Dark Side
I also love psychedelics, and with that comes the respect for their power. Do you want to stop using psychs? How frequently are you using them?

Hell no I cant see myself stopping anytime soon anyway, and you're right, the more I respect them, the more I seem to enjoy them. Thanks for the welcome

 

[CryToMe]

Hi CryToMe, I'm glad you've decided to start posting. Welcome to The Dark Side
Having lived with depression for pretty much my whole life, I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. Are you currently undergoing any treatment for your condition? Or have you considered any treatment options?

Yes, Im back in counseling, just started recently and I really like the therapist, I think its going to really help me. I saw a pysch who gave me Ativan and Prozac-after fighting it my entire life, I finally took the damn script for the antidepressant, but after 5 days, and reading all the pros and cons, I went off of it. I just couldn't deal w/ how tired I was even more than normal, and I was really scared that it would turn me into a zombie or change my personality, or that I wouldn't be ME anymore. So i'm going to keep fighting it without that drug. I recently started on a small dose of Xanax which helps, but I don't want to get addicted, so I try to save it for when I need it.

Ive self medicated with weed, and sometimes pills (painkillers), and I think the weed makes me more anxious, but am not ready to give it up completely. I went all week w/o smoking but broke down today. I'm not addicted, and know I can do w/o it, but its just one of those things I'm not ready to give up completely yet.

Thanks so much for responding. I'm really taking it one day at a time, and although I had two 1/2 good days this week, today wasn't so great, but at least I'm home now and its the weekend so no work pressure to deal with. I"m looking fw'd to being here, and at least talking w/ some ppl who know where I'm coming from.

 

[Nibblez]

Hi,

I'm Nibblez. I'm a speed addict... well, sorta. I'm in the process of quitting and as of today have not touched the stuff for 8 weeks. It's just been sitting in my dresser collecting dust. I had a seizure 8 weeks back after taking one too many and made a resolve not to touch em ever again. I haven't worked up the courage to flush em yet, but let me tell you, it's been hell having them at my reach but not taking them. I suppose I have to thank my parents for raising me to have a lot of self-control. They pretty much trained it into me at a young age like I was a monkey.
Unfortunately, my self control was not enough to prevent me from gaining 10 lbs from all the munchies I was getting during withdrawal... Oh well, a price I'm willing to pay.

Thanks mom and dad I guess!

Wish me luck!

Maybe I can trade what's left for some nice kine bud... hmm...

I ain't givin' up weed no matter what anyone sez!

 

[godlovesugly]

hey nibblez! congrats on the 8weeks!! WOW. im trying to quit and stay away from the meth. cocaine, adderall, ritalin, etc used to be my thing in the past, but it moved onto meth eventually. its got to go..it is ruining EVERYTHING in my life.

thats awesome and amazing! 8 weeks is a long time. you should be proud:] i know gaining weight comes with getting sober...esp when you quit speed esp. im only 110 now. i actually WANT to gain weight. last time i got sober i gained 30 pounds in one month. ughh! then i relapsed:/

but i would definitely do the trade for some bud! thats what im trying to stick with right now. i love the ganja and always will! :D

 

[OhZvir]

Hello everybody!

I am glad to be here after lurking for two years and learning so much. I've been pretty lonely recently with too much work and school, and most of my friends graduated so I am looking for friends and good acquaintances.
I play guitar, bass and I also sing. I paint abstract with oils (but I have a brief education in classic techniques) and I might post some of my paintings some day. Not all at once

I also used to be in a couple of death/black metal bands writing lyrics, screaming/growling, etc. I had about 5 concerts in total but then school took me away form that but I still have two demos laying around for memory. I still play music, mostly shoe gazing, noise and ambient for myself. Sometimes minimalistic melodic black metal I write acoustic folk songs and I also write poetry - I believe for me it's the best relief ever, better than drugs if I have inspiration. Never published any of that, never really tried to send it anywhere.

I am an atheist and I have degrees in biology, history and philosophy. I love Sartre and Schopenhauer, Taoism and Zen Buddhism as well as Northern/Slavic European mythology and paganism/neo-paganism My favorite poet is A.S.G. Tessimond. Favorite band - Agalloch. But I listen to all styles from old-school hip hop, grind-core , electronics and everything else in between...

Here's my little surprise for all you bluelighters. It's a poem dedicated for all of you, no matter who you are and what you do - you still walk on the edge and I respect you:

***

Morning for our new life

Saturday noon, I am alone;
Gladly everyone is gone!
I have a bottle of wine
And many evil goodies
To take 'em down,
To take 'em up,
And the whole day is mine.
No responsibilities or care
Thinking of that I don't dare.
Tomorrow it will be worse than hell
Though now I am in a heavenly cell.

(Even though I have no illusions,
A cell is a cell: there's no freedom in seclusion
Even if we are told that we are free,
All such promises are lies to me.)

Into myself I deeply fell.
Is there a higher level?
Or instead down I'm falling
And into nowhere flying?
Kneeling on my knees
And hoping for serotonin,
Dopamine and adrenaline
To keep me going and going
Into the void of broken dreams
Ready to suddenly freeze...

If I could find a way
To be this happy night and day,
To be this strong,
And not feel wrong
I would lose my humanity,
The ability to feel insanity
And pain, and sadness
Love and profanity.
I won't trade feelings for anything
Including constant happiness
Or even eternal life!
If someone offers that
I would rather grab a dice
And play some Russian roulette
With death together tonight
Hoping not to swallow a bullet,
Without loosing my dreams and my mind.
Living forever is like never-ending night,
Who wants to watch everything die,
Without a promise of eternal calmness
When for a final rest it's the time?

I wish I could just be myself,
Not paralyzed and chemically deaf,
Riding home my last empty train
Over and over again.

(in the only place we know, our world,
Where people are more dead than alive
And the Universe is just becoming unfurled
As we start to open our baby eyes)

Over again and again as I dream of riding my last train,
Simply enjoying the calm, listening to the rain,
Feeling myself with the nature as the same
With no gods or demons but human-made pain.
There's no evil or good, we create our own hell,
Purgatory and nirvana are alike day after day,
Trying to find what else there's to blame
Not knowing, not looking and full of shame.

But no, I got high again to escape the mundane,
A new start, perhaps for the thousandth time.
But there's hope and I know one morning
When we wake up from nightmares, longing,
The sun for all of us will rise and warmly shine
And the life will be OK as many struggles are survived
Just remember, don't give up, since not eternal the night,
There's love left even in the darkest corner.
Take yourself together and fight,
I will be always by your side
With the sword in my hand
And love left in my soul
Keeping us from making a fall.


Yours,
OhZvir, The Last Polar Bear

P.S. I used to be a huge pot-head, mushroom eater, stoner rock fan for the past few few years. I drink alcohol moderately. Never got hooked on anything but cigarettes. I quit weed a week ago as I am detoxing to pass a drug test in a month. To have some fun in a long while I am mixing methylone and mephedrone today. I am experienced with all major kinds of drugs besides LSD which I really want to try and I keep myself away from IVing anything. Keeps working three years already since the start of my drug use (pot).
P.P.S. I am not tweaking I am just a huge fan of writing myself out. If you would like to chat with me on AIM send me a PM. Send me a PM if you want to talk about anything whatsoever, period :D I am a good listener. You can complain all you want and I might try to help you.
P.P.P.S. My avatar is a picture of a famous soviet bard/musician/poet who had an extreme life stile and managed to win hearts of millions, he died from an opiod overdose but left a hugh legacy. Vladimir Semyonovich Vysotsky. R.I.P.

 

[ocean]

^Well, Welcome....to both TDS and BL!

You might find Non-Electronic Music Discussion and Words interesting since you have a passion for both music and writing



Welcome also to Nibbles and godlovesugly!
I hope to see more of you all around the board!

 

[hurtin4certain]

dont wanna indulge too much.

but im n my 20's. married. male. interested in history and sports. live in the deep deep southeastern part of the US, in a bayou, in a 200 year old plantation home. no im not a dam vampire....get that joke all the time.

started using bl to research opiate use techniques, ba's etc. used opiates 3 and half years, just about everyday after a fairly painful operation. got up to 100mg roxi or 60-80mg of opana. got fed up after feeling some horrible wd's. been clean a little over month with help of 24mg's tappered over 11 days. been off suboxone and all opiates for a little over 3 weeks.

still not back to feeling 100%. almost there.

 

[ocean]

^Welcome! You're name is clever
And I am very impressed by the 200 yr old Plantation House- That's like a dream of mine.......
I would love to live in a historic building......Very cool.
(And if you're in La. I'm also jealous of the cajun food!)
Great job on your clean time! I think you'll find a lot of helpful info in TDS!

 

[hurtin4certain]

^Welcome! You're name is clever
And I am very impressed by the 200 yr old Plantation House- That's like a dream of mine.......
I would love to live in a historic building......Very cool.
(And if you're in La. I'm also jealous of the cajun food!)
Great job on your clean time! I think you'll find a lot of helpful info in TDS!

thanks...work in progress down here in the bayou. home and property were pretty much abandoned for 20 years or so.......we had a 8ft momma alligator complete with her nest living under the back porch since katrina when we purchased property in 2007.....haha. She didnt want to leave.........

 

[ocean]

^Eeek.

But the property sounds awesome. If its been abandoned I imagine there is a lot of old wallpaper, some original work etc. That would be like a dream to me! Renovating an old place and finding secrets in the walls :D Very cool.
Alligators and heat and humidity, not so cool

 

[Cartesia]

Hmmm you seemed to have missed listing Sydney there Why wouldn't you come to Sydney?
My younger brother lives in Wollongong, I love it down there. I would recommend it. It's close enough to Sydney if you ever wanted to come here for any reason, but it's still a really relaxed and fun lifestyle down there.

Skipping sydney because my dad/step mum live there...
I quite like it as a city but I couldn't stand being that close to them... They already drive me crazy from 2000km away!

 

[trll]

hi there, just wanted to say hello, to you all and anyone out there who cant sleep.
My ex partner took his own life 3 months ago. i feel unable to cope and that im loosing everything including myself. this is not me, i am often a happy kind warm loving human being. and i want my old self back.
bx

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi trll, welcome to The Dark Side
I am so sorry for your recent loss, I have not had any close loved ones pass away so I can only imagine your pain. If you feel like you're not coping, please consider getting some counselling. From what I have heard, counselling is particularly helpful for grief management, and there is absolutely no shame in reaching out for help.
Have you got any close friends or family who you can talk to about how you're feeling? If you don't have anyone to talk to, please feel free to PM me or one of the other TDS moderators if you need someone to talk to okay? And rest assured, it will gradually get easier, with time

Skipping sydney because my dad/step mum live there...
I quite like it as a city but I couldn't stand being that close to them... They already drive me crazy from 2000km away!

Ah-haa! I understand completely