ocean
Bluelight Crew
^Glad you decided to join Chi! Welcome!
Hope things work out with the housing situation!
Hope things work out with the housing situation!
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The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
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TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
Introduce Yourself
- Thread starter Kerrigan
- Start date
- Status
Thanks for the welcome NEO, my back hurts like hell.....
The only potential remedy I have been offered is fusion, which in my mind is like 1940's technology. Making it even less appealing is there predicted rate of success at 50%, and the chance that it could even make the pain worse. I had been using pain killers to wait until artificial discs are available, but they have been in patient studies for a while now and I can not get an answer as to when these might be approved and ready for patients. The University of Utah is one of the universities conducting the study, so IF they do become available I am in a good geographical location (I live in a suburb of Salt Lake City, which is where the U of U is located.
I have anticipated the availability of artificial discs for 5 years or so now, but am officially discouraged and no longer counting on this as an option for me. Opiates helped quite a bit initially, but as my tolerance has continued to grow and grow, they have been less and less effective.
I started to worry about what would happen if I were in a car accident or needed some type of surgery.......would an anesthesiologist even be able to adequately sedate me without risking my respiration? I got up to where I could consume enough narcotics to kill a horse without feeling significant relief from the pain in my lower back. I guess if I were 80 years old I would just go for it and mantain an ever increasing doseage of opiates, but being 41 years old hopefully means I have a few decades to go. I can't see myself being able to take an ever-increasing effective dose for another 40 years.
Ugh! It's frustrating but I know there are plenty of people who have it worse than me so I am putting forward my best effort at trying the "mind over matter" approach to my pain. Some days are really tough, but my daughter and wife have put up with alot of whining already, and deserve the best man I can be.
I have replaced bitching to them with lurking and posting here.......my continued thanks to all who have listened to me and offered suggestions. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to "pay it forward" and help someone who can learn from my experiences.
Peace,
Johny O.
The only potential remedy I have been offered is fusion, which in my mind is like 1940's technology. Making it even less appealing is there predicted rate of success at 50%, and the chance that it could even make the pain worse. I had been using pain killers to wait until artificial discs are available, but they have been in patient studies for a while now and I can not get an answer as to when these might be approved and ready for patients. The University of Utah is one of the universities conducting the study, so IF they do become available I am in a good geographical location (I live in a suburb of Salt Lake City, which is where the U of U is located.
I have anticipated the availability of artificial discs for 5 years or so now, but am officially discouraged and no longer counting on this as an option for me. Opiates helped quite a bit initially, but as my tolerance has continued to grow and grow, they have been less and less effective.
I started to worry about what would happen if I were in a car accident or needed some type of surgery.......would an anesthesiologist even be able to adequately sedate me without risking my respiration? I got up to where I could consume enough narcotics to kill a horse without feeling significant relief from the pain in my lower back. I guess if I were 80 years old I would just go for it and mantain an ever increasing doseage of opiates, but being 41 years old hopefully means I have a few decades to go. I can't see myself being able to take an ever-increasing effective dose for another 40 years.
Ugh! It's frustrating but I know there are plenty of people who have it worse than me so I am putting forward my best effort at trying the "mind over matter" approach to my pain. Some days are really tough, but my daughter and wife have put up with alot of whining already, and deserve the best man I can be.
I have replaced bitching to them with lurking and posting here.......my continued thanks to all who have listened to me and offered suggestions. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to "pay it forward" and help someone who can learn from my experiences.
Peace,
Johny O.
^Glad you decided to join Chi! Welcome!
Hope things work out with the housing situation!
Thank you. I know everything will work out. This isn't the first, second, or third time I've been kicked to the streets. I've been through alot, so I'll be fine.
Much love ocean.
ocean
Bluelight Crew
^Well, please keep us posted as to how you are doing!
Introduce myself... geeze that's so hard to do now. I do think that if I am going to be useful on Bluelight, it's going to be in this forum. I lost my user name in the Bluelight crash of 99, which is good. I personally don't want to read the shit I used to post when it was all fun and games. I am 35 now. I have first hand knowledge of everything that can go wrong when you stop respecting drugs and start abusing them. I lived at the bottom along time and am still trying to climb my way back out. Thats all for now. I get teary eyed just thinking about myself.
brimz
Bluelighter
Hi,
I've been on Bluelight 4 alittle while and i just `realised that i haven't introduced myself in any way. Because of my situation i seem 2 find myself in T.D.S quite alot .
A bit about me . I'm a 34 year old Heroin addict, been on it since i was 20. I am on methadone and benzo maintenance. i also suffer from severe anxiety and depression. I wish i had found this forum earlier but better late than never.
I've been on Bluelight 4 alittle while and i just `realised that i haven't introduced myself in any way. Because of my situation i seem 2 find myself in T.D.S quite alot .
A bit about me . I'm a 34 year old Heroin addict, been on it since i was 20. I am on methadone and benzo maintenance. i also suffer from severe anxiety and depression. I wish i had found this forum earlier but better late than never.
RollinOnACoaster
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2010
- Messages
- 21
Well hell, I still feel a little anxious about posting because i've only been lurking for about a month or so, and I dont know whether i'll fit into the community yet. Either way, no better way to do things than to jump into the deep end and then try to swim out, so i'll go with it. I'm a twenty year old guy, and for the last nineteen years I had stayed away from any drug aside from alcohol or weed out of the brainwashing I had been subjected to telling me that all drugs were bad, etc. On October 16th, my life changed. A very trusted friend of mine had convinced me to try E for the first time, and I got together a party. For half of my life i've been suffering from a very depressed state after grappling with PTSD and minor episodes of DID, which I had mostly gotten under control at the sacrifice of my emotions. That night changed my life entirely, and took a torch to my soul that set me back ablaze into being a human being again. Since that night i've been reading all I could, experimenting when safe, and just trying to be as good as I can be to everyone around me.
Long winded. TL;DR, E saved my life. You guys all seem absolutely wonderful and I hope I can find myself a home on this forum.
Long winded. TL;DR, E saved my life. You guys all seem absolutely wonderful and I hope I can find myself a home on this forum.
Shockra
Bluelighter
Hey y'all. Just joined BL after "prowling" around for many, many months. Just wanted to lose my posting virginity and thought this place would do. I'm a 10+ year H addict, with not much clean time in between. Just recently had to drop a $200/day habit down to just about nothing (scraping empties w/a bag every couple days in between). I have everybody fooled all the time. Everybody thinks I'm such a good person. Came real close to coming clean with the family the other day during a tough w/d moment, but didn't....I knew if I did it would be the last high for me for a long time. They know but think I've been clean for like 4yrs. Now I'm broke and my normal cash source has become MUCH more difficult to obtain from. I managed to go to work today being only 2 full days off H (again I've been on and off the past week, so it wasn't full w/d, but still pretty damn close). Anyway made it thru the longest 8 hrs of my life only to have my connect front me something cause I told him I was workin again and would be able to pay him back (big fat lie). There's no way I'll make it to my first paycheck although I do have some sub I could use to technically get there, but then payday won't last till the next, etc etc. So it's all got to stop at some point, I'm just prolonging the inevitable and I know it. Really don't want to lose this job either as I like it and there ain't much else around. Well this ain't really an introduction as much as a situation, so I'll stop here.
Later.
Later.
juliemoonshine
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2010
- Messages
- 4
hello, i am brand spanking new to bluelight and am excited to learn and grow with everyone, share insights and experiences to help each other live our lives to the fullest. thanks!
-juliemoonshine
-juliemoonshine
Welcome back to Bluelight Dazzzle 
Hello and welcome to The Dark Side pokemon, I hope you find the info you're looking for here. We have a good community spirit here in TDS which I'm sure you'll appreciate
Hey brimz, yep, definitely better late than never Glad you found us! How long have you been on methadone?
RollinOnACoaster you will definitely fit in here!! You might also want to check out the Ecstacy Discussion forum if you haven't already, for all your E needs. So glad to hear that MDMA has helped you
Hi Shockra, welcome to The Dark Side. Man sorry to hear about the extent of your habit at the moment. Sometimes the answers to our problems are staring us right in the face yet we continue to ignore them, I know what that's like. And yes, it can be surprisingly easy to "fake it" to people, when really we're a mess. Have you thought about what it's going to take to clean up your habit? Have you ever tried to properly quit before?
Hi and welcome juliemoonshine and Plunkeye Sounds like you've both come to the right place!
Have you guys got any specific reasons/problems which lead you to The Dark Side? (you totally don't have to answer that if you're not comfortable doing so)
Hello and welcome to The Dark Side pokemon, I hope you find the info you're looking for here. We have a good community spirit here in TDS which I'm sure you'll appreciate
Hey brimz, yep, definitely better late than never
Glad you found us! How long have you been on methadone? RollinOnACoaster you will definitely fit in here!! You might also want to check out the Ecstacy Discussion forum if you haven't already, for all your E needs. So glad to hear that MDMA has helped you
Hi Shockra, welcome to The Dark Side. Man sorry to hear about the extent of your habit at the moment. Sometimes the answers to our problems are staring us right in the face yet we continue to ignore them, I know what that's like. And yes, it can be surprisingly easy to "fake it" to people, when really we're a mess. Have you thought about what it's going to take to clean up your habit? Have you ever tried to properly quit before?
Hi and welcome juliemoonshine and Plunkeye
Sounds like you've both come to the right place! Have you guys got any specific reasons/problems which lead you to The Dark Side? (you totally don't have to answer that if you're not comfortable doing so
)RollinOnACoaster
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2010
- Messages
- 21
RollinOnACoaster you will definitely fit in here!! You might also want to check out the Ecstacy Discussion forum if you haven't already, for all your E needs. So glad to hear that MDMA has helped you
Thank you n3o, I don't have much interest in E currently as it was more a medical fix for my life, psychedelics are my true love. TDS seems like where i'll want to be mostly though, as even though in the past months i've come leaps and bounds further in my life than I ever thought I would, i'm still plagued by bad thoughts and events. You guys just seem all supportive and warm and friendly, so I can't wait to actually contribute more.
brimz
Bluelighter
Hi n3ophy7e ,
i've been on methadone for about 12 years with 1 year clean .I 'm down to 40mg a day now so that's not bad at all. The benzo's are worse though i was prescribed them originally at 19 , i didn't even know what they were and i was given a ridiculous high dose which i bumped up for the next 5 years till it got 2 120mg diazepam daily and 40ml of temazepam 10mg /5ml daily .
i'm down to 20mg of diazepam and 22.5 mg of nitrazepam now and have a good Doctor that won't take any shit!
I still use H on top more frequently than i would like 2 though.
i've been on methadone for about 12 years with 1 year clean .I 'm down to 40mg a day now so that's not bad at all. The benzo's are worse though i was prescribed them originally at 19 , i didn't even know what they were and i was given a ridiculous high dose which i bumped up for the next 5 years till it got 2 120mg diazepam daily and 40ml of temazepam 10mg /5ml daily .
i'm down to 20mg of diazepam and 22.5 mg of nitrazepam now and have a good Doctor that won't take any shit!
I still use H on top more frequently than i would like 2 though.
donnie080208
Bluelighter
like brimz been on bluelight a while bit not posted here so here it goes.
Anyway my name is Paul i am 32 years old, heroin addict, "ex alcoholic" been on bupe for 3 years then 80mg mdone for past 7 months or so. I have various mental health issues + have been sectioned twice. im on citralopram, mirtazipine, lamotrigine and every 2/3 months( if im lucky) i get 10 days worth of 10mg diazepam which i eat in 1 or sometimes rarely ,2 days.
My ambition is to one day muster the courage to commit suicide by heroin overdose, just waiting for circumstance to give me a big enough push + break my cowardness. anyway BL is a great site wish i could make and have friends from the caring , intelligent posters iread on here in the "real" world.
Anyway my name is Paul i am 32 years old, heroin addict, "ex alcoholic" been on bupe for 3 years then 80mg mdone for past 7 months or so. I have various mental health issues + have been sectioned twice. im on citralopram, mirtazipine, lamotrigine and every 2/3 months( if im lucky) i get 10 days worth of 10mg diazepam which i eat in 1 or sometimes rarely ,2 days.
My ambition is to one day muster the courage to commit suicide by heroin overdose, just waiting for circumstance to give me a big enough push + break my cowardness. anyway BL is a great site wish i could make and have friends from the caring , intelligent posters iread on here in the "real" world.
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panic in paradise
Bluelighter
welcome in.
but woah!
:-o
why not muster the insight to discover new ambitions? they are out there...
;-L ;-)
Edit: a peaceful death is more then a series of circumstances, and more then meets the eye.
it sounds like you have things you need to accomplish in life still, keep looking, but with your mind and heart open. doing so should help things become more clear, and thats when your strengths, weaknesses, and self work to your advantage.
a lot can change ove the course of a year, good or bad; the bad will make the next years more tolerable, as youll be more prepared, and the good even better, because it will be what you deserve.
Life Love & Laughter
but woah!
:-o
why not muster the insight to discover new ambitions? they are out there...
;-L ;-)
Edit: a peaceful death is more then a series of circumstances, and more then meets the eye.
it sounds like you have things you need to accomplish in life still, keep looking, but with your mind and heart open. doing so should help things become more clear, and thats when your strengths, weaknesses, and self work to your advantage.
a lot can change ove the course of a year, good or bad; the bad will make the next years more tolerable, as youll be more prepared, and the good even better, because it will be what you deserve.
Life Love & Laughter
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I'm new to TDS
21, Atlanta, female, I drink way too much, I did a lot of coke this past year. I also do psychedelics. It's been a struggle for me to put my mind in the right place everyday. I had a less than desirable upbringing, and I'm trying to get out of a bad relationship. I am very, and I like to do drugs for that reason. They don't make me forget, but help remind me that I can actually feel happy and alive. I just try to believe that I will be happy without them someday, and that's what keeps me going.
21, Atlanta, female, I drink way too much, I did a lot of coke this past year. I also do psychedelics. It's been a struggle for me to put my mind in the right place everyday. I had a less than desirable upbringing, and I'm trying to get out of a bad relationship. I am very, and I like to do drugs for that reason. They don't make me forget, but help remind me that I can actually feel happy and alive. I just try to believe that I will be happy without them someday, and that's what keeps me going.
mymindisgoo
Bluelighter
hi..
i've been reading tds for a little bit, posting a little more. as someone wrote here, this part of the forum is kind of like the place where people want to get clean and have enough of the drug lifestyle. being almost 2 months sober, i relate to that, and a lot of the posts here are probably the best throughout all of BL.
i'm 19 years young. i'm currently finishing out my run in a 1/2 way house in philly, with 57 days clean, and going back to NYC and culinary school asap. i've been robbed at gun point, knife point, hit over the head with a pole, sold lots and lots of oxycontin, mdma, and pot. dealing pot was always second nature to me since i was 14, so it was only natural for me to escalate into other drugs last year.
theres a huge reservation i have to get high, as much as i love being sober and having a clear head, i just want that one more. i'm so sick that i've convinced myself that i can have just one more once i hit the xx day. i'm currently on my 1st step. i don't have a sponsor, i'm waiting til i can get a home group and check out different meetings. i would really like to have a relationship with a girl, but judging from my whole life, i always run back and forth between my parents, people and myself. i've never been diagnosed with a mental disorder and i've seen almost 10 therapists since i was 12.
i'd like to talk to people one on one, because i don't have many to talk to! this board is great, and i'm happyi started posting.
i've been reading tds for a little bit, posting a little more. as someone wrote here, this part of the forum is kind of like the place where people want to get clean and have enough of the drug lifestyle. being almost 2 months sober, i relate to that, and a lot of the posts here are probably the best throughout all of BL.
i'm 19 years young. i'm currently finishing out my run in a 1/2 way house in philly, with 57 days clean, and going back to NYC and culinary school asap. i've been robbed at gun point, knife point, hit over the head with a pole, sold lots and lots of oxycontin, mdma, and pot. dealing pot was always second nature to me since i was 14, so it was only natural for me to escalate into other drugs last year.
theres a huge reservation i have to get high, as much as i love being sober and having a clear head, i just want that one more. i'm so sick that i've convinced myself that i can have just one more once i hit the xx day. i'm currently on my 1st step. i don't have a sponsor, i'm waiting til i can get a home group and check out different meetings. i would really like to have a relationship with a girl, but judging from my whole life, i always run back and forth between my parents, people and myself. i've never been diagnosed with a mental disorder and i've seen almost 10 therapists since i was 12.
i'd like to talk to people one on one, because i don't have many to talk to! this board is great, and i'm happyi started posting.
donnie080208
Bluelighter
@mymindisgoo
Good look and well done getting 2 months clean, many, many addicts "fail "to get even this far.
If NYC is a place where you will be away from old drug using "friends" etc, then thats even better.
Like you said:"MORE" is the key word with all addicts be it booze, coke, heroin or whatever your D.O.C. is. Personally i cant take any drug, I LIKE or LOVE without wanting more ,untill i pass/gouch out. some addicts can drink/smoke pot without getting addicted after they get clean of the Heroin or whatever. Not me though
Im in England so ive never tried methamphetamine BUT im sure im a meth addict , just ive not tried it yet.(thankgod).
Anyway best wishes my friend, hope all goes well ,keep us up to date with your move etc..paul
p.s. btw whats New York City really like, is it rampant with street dealers, china white,(hmmm..) etc.. as i imagine from films etc...
Good look and well done getting 2 months clean, many, many addicts "fail "to get even this far.
If NYC is a place where you will be away from old drug using "friends" etc, then thats even better.
Like you said:"MORE" is the key word with all addicts be it booze, coke, heroin or whatever your D.O.C. is. Personally i cant take any drug, I LIKE or LOVE without wanting more ,untill i pass/gouch out. some addicts can drink/smoke pot without getting addicted after they get clean of the Heroin or whatever. Not me though
Im in England so ive never tried methamphetamine BUT im sure im a meth addict , just ive not tried it yet.(thankgod).
Anyway best wishes my friend, hope all goes well ,keep us up to date with your move etc..paul
p.s. btw whats New York City really like, is it rampant with street dealers, china white,(hmmm..) etc.. as i imagine from films etc...
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New to the forum as a whole, but have read bits and pieces of posts from bluelight while "researching" for some time now.
I'm 21 years old and commute to college full time (this will be my third year). I live with my parents, but I am rarely ever home however due to working 5 days a week at a grocery store. As much as I have so many things going right with my life, I have my demons...
I smoke dank daily, drink at least once every two weeks. Haven't tripped but eventually will...too many friends that do to miss out forever. Roll when I can find real ones...(NOT OFTEN...fuck the midwest)When I drink it's only liquor, usually Cognac,( Hennessy is a favorite.)
I also have a wicked appetite for oxycontin, I rail 80's like it is nothing, it has been 3 weeks since I deleted my dealer's phone number..but I'm sure as soon as I have a good amount of money saved I will find my way over to his house with an excuse for why I lost the number. Oxycontin is something I seem to love, the weird thing is I don't really get withdrawal except for when I stop using all together. For example, I can go two or three days clean while I'm in a cycle of using but feel fine, it's only once I stop doing OC's period that I feel the WD...
Anyways I felt like I needed to put all that out there...thanks for reading.
Good luck to everyone in a similar circumstance..
I'm 21 years old and commute to college full time (this will be my third year). I live with my parents, but I am rarely ever home however due to working 5 days a week at a grocery store. As much as I have so many things going right with my life, I have my demons...
I smoke dank daily, drink at least once every two weeks. Haven't tripped but eventually will...too many friends that do to miss out forever. Roll when I can find real ones...(NOT OFTEN...fuck the midwest)When I drink it's only liquor, usually Cognac,( Hennessy is a favorite.)
I also have a wicked appetite for oxycontin, I rail 80's like it is nothing, it has been 3 weeks since I deleted my dealer's phone number..but I'm sure as soon as I have a good amount of money saved I will find my way over to his house with an excuse for why I lost the number. Oxycontin is something I seem to love, the weird thing is I don't really get withdrawal except for when I stop using all together. For example, I can go two or three days clean while I'm in a cycle of using but feel fine, it's only once I stop doing OC's period that I feel the WD...
Anyways I felt like I needed to put all that out there...thanks for reading.
Good luck to everyone in a similar circumstance..
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