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Introduce Yourself
- Thread starter Kerrigan
- Start date
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Hi all I've been lurkin around BL for a good while now, but havent posted that much.I guess I never looked at TDS much in the past but this year has been a bit of an eyey opener.
I always knew I was a bit prone to depresion and i know I used chemicals over many years to try and get through life but this year it fell to bits and I ended up having to go into residential care for a few weeks to try and get back on track. I saw it comming but there didnt seem anyway to prevent it and I'm lucky I didnt do anything really stupid as I have a great partner and 2 kids.
I'm back at work now and getting back on track, even started a self help CBT course which I hope will help prevent me reverting back to my old ways.
Having lived the dark side for so long its about time I started posting there
I always knew I was a bit prone to depresion and i know I used chemicals over many years to try and get through life but this year it fell to bits and I ended up having to go into residential care for a few weeks to try and get back on track. I saw it comming but there didnt seem anyway to prevent it and I'm lucky I didnt do anything really stupid as I have a great partner and 2 kids.
I'm back at work now and getting back on track, even started a self help CBT course which I hope will help prevent me reverting back to my old ways.
Having lived the dark side for so long its about time I started posting there
OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
Hi all I've been lurkin around BL for a good while now, but havent posted that much.I guess I never looked at TDS much in the past but this year has been a bit of an eyey opener.
I always knew I was a bit prone to depresion and i know I used chemicals over many years to try and get through life but this year it fell to bits and I ended up having to go into residential care for a few weeks to try and get back on track. I saw it comming but there didnt seem anyway to prevent it and I'm lucky I didnt do anything really stupid as I have a great partner and 2 kids.
I'm back at work now and getting back on track, even started a self help CBT course which I hope will help prevent me reverting back to my old ways.
Having lived the dark side for so long its about time I started posting there
Dude, it takes balls to make the effort to help yourself. As my Aussie friends would say... GOOD ON YOU!!!!
I've heard many good things about CBT.
Looking forward to hearing more from you, atm!
anonymous_mouse
Bluelighter
Anonymous Mouse
I thought I should probably post an introduction so I can stop lurking and actually let myself back into the TDS community.
I used to post on here as "wingnutlives" back a couple years ago. I had to change my name because "wingnutlives" was used on too many other forums and I felt too exposed - so now I am "anonymous_mouse" (although, I don't identify with mice, I'm way more of a cat person!) I joined here in 2004 and at that time I was totally into the raves and ecstasy, and experimenting with psychedelics. It wasn't until a couple years later that I ended up on harder drugs.
I'm drawn back to TDS because I'm having a hard time lately, and that's an understatement. Back almost a year ago, I relapsed into my previous adderall addiction for several months, and also was introduced to crystal meth and desoxyn, which I did a couple times a week. In July, I bailed out of the city so I could get clean... I did WWOOFing (a volunteer program) on a couple organic farms, tapered off adderall so well that I didn't even have withdrawal while I was there. I didn't do any other drugs except mushrooms, and it was great!!
The tragedy is that I made a BAD decision a couple months later, when I returned to my home base. Late August, I went to BC to work on another farm there. The lady who owned it was extremely critical and I became extremely anxious. I made up some bullshit lie about why I had to go back home sooner than was planned, and bolted out of there, returned back to the city and WOW.... I craved meth so bad. That's all I wanted. And it was my birthday, and of course I needed a birthday treat. I got it, it was FUN, and then to my demise... I found a meth connection that was always available and would even deliver to my door.
I spent about a month addicted to meth, and I hated it at the end. It was shitty bathtub crank and it made me depressed. I was snorting very high (and dangerous) doses and still not getting the high I wanted. But I couldn't stop, because I had to work and function normally. Luckily I procured more adderall, and tapered off with that. A couple weeks later... I was addicted to adderall and doing higher and higher doses of that.
I quit my adderall habit (for about the tenth time...) at the end of October. Since then, life has been a nightmare of daily panic attacks, crippling anxiety and depression. I could barely function at my job, I mean FUCK, I was literally crying all the time while I was working in a retail environment. Well, I had to remedy that real fast. Now I buy all kinds of random pills off of people to keep myself from falling apart.... anti-anxiety medication (gabapentin and benzos), narcotics, occassionally adderall, or whatever else comes my way.
And it works. Except that my body is fucked up and confused by all the different chemicals I'm putting into it. But I can't stop, I have a job, I need to pay my bills and be an adult, right? I'm twenty-seven years old....
In the past week I have been considering quitting my job and going into residential drug and alcohol treatment (as long as they have 1. mental health services, especially medication... and 2. have grants and scholarships for low income people) My sister, boyfriend, and friends think it's the best idea I've had in a long time. But I feel like a failure in life, a loser, a disappointment to all the people who believed in me and were wrong.
And I am scared of the idea that I'll have to look for another job when I get out, and that maybe I'll fail in that because I won't be "cured" enough to make it in normal society. It's a possibility that I could become a burden on my boyfriend and/or family, not able to take care of myself, but I have to try SOMETHING before it comes to that....
Sorry for the novel.... :/
I thought I should probably post an introduction so I can stop lurking and actually let myself back into the TDS community.
I used to post on here as "wingnutlives" back a couple years ago. I had to change my name because "wingnutlives" was used on too many other forums and I felt too exposed - so now I am "anonymous_mouse" (although, I don't identify with mice, I'm way more of a cat person!) I joined here in 2004 and at that time I was totally into the raves and ecstasy, and experimenting with psychedelics. It wasn't until a couple years later that I ended up on harder drugs.
I'm drawn back to TDS because I'm having a hard time lately, and that's an understatement. Back almost a year ago, I relapsed into my previous adderall addiction for several months, and also was introduced to crystal meth and desoxyn, which I did a couple times a week. In July, I bailed out of the city so I could get clean... I did WWOOFing (a volunteer program) on a couple organic farms, tapered off adderall so well that I didn't even have withdrawal while I was there. I didn't do any other drugs except mushrooms, and it was great!!
The tragedy is that I made a BAD decision a couple months later, when I returned to my home base. Late August, I went to BC to work on another farm there. The lady who owned it was extremely critical and I became extremely anxious. I made up some bullshit lie about why I had to go back home sooner than was planned, and bolted out of there, returned back to the city and WOW.... I craved meth so bad. That's all I wanted. And it was my birthday, and of course I needed a birthday treat. I got it, it was FUN, and then to my demise... I found a meth connection that was always available and would even deliver to my door.
I spent about a month addicted to meth, and I hated it at the end. It was shitty bathtub crank and it made me depressed. I was snorting very high (and dangerous) doses and still not getting the high I wanted. But I couldn't stop, because I had to work and function normally. Luckily I procured more adderall, and tapered off with that. A couple weeks later... I was addicted to adderall and doing higher and higher doses of that.
I quit my adderall habit (for about the tenth time...) at the end of October. Since then, life has been a nightmare of daily panic attacks, crippling anxiety and depression. I could barely function at my job, I mean FUCK, I was literally crying all the time while I was working in a retail environment. Well, I had to remedy that real fast. Now I buy all kinds of random pills off of people to keep myself from falling apart.... anti-anxiety medication (gabapentin and benzos), narcotics, occassionally adderall, or whatever else comes my way.
And it works. Except that my body is fucked up and confused by all the different chemicals I'm putting into it. But I can't stop, I have a job, I need to pay my bills and be an adult, right? I'm twenty-seven years old....
In the past week I have been considering quitting my job and going into residential drug and alcohol treatment (as long as they have 1. mental health services, especially medication... and 2. have grants and scholarships for low income people) My sister, boyfriend, and friends think it's the best idea I've had in a long time. But I feel like a failure in life, a loser, a disappointment to all the people who believed in me and were wrong.
And I am scared of the idea that I'll have to look for another job when I get out, and that maybe I'll fail in that because I won't be "cured" enough to make it in normal society. It's a possibility that I could become a burden on my boyfriend and/or family, not able to take care of myself, but I have to try SOMETHING before it comes to that....
Sorry for the novel.... :/
OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
^I had forgotten you had changed your User name!!!!!
I'm sorry you're struggling but am glad you are back with us in TDS
Please don't stress so much about what could happen in the future. We often set ourselves up for failure by mind-fucking ourselves out of positive action because we focus on the possible negatives and never pay attention to all the potential positives
(psssssstttt! I have a PM Inbox if you ever want to use it )
I'm sorry you're struggling but am glad you are back with us in TDS
Please don't stress so much about what could happen in the future. We often set ourselves up for failure by mind-fucking ourselves out of positive action because we focus on the possible negatives and never pay attention to all the potential positives
(psssssstttt! I have a PM Inbox if you ever want to use it
)anonymous_mouse
Bluelighter
Thank you, OverDone. I'm glad to be back, this was one of my favorite forums and I'm not sure why I disappeared LOL
Bleh I have been up for about twenty hours on adderall, got so much done but wishing that my body would let me sleep now (but I work in a couple hours).
Bleh I have been up for about twenty hours on adderall, got so much done but wishing that my body would let me sleep now (but I work in a couple hours).
silvercrimson
Bluelighter
high from hawaii
hi everyone! im a newb to bluelight, and tds happens to be one of my favorites. definatley good stuff, i love it
hi everyone! im a newb to bluelight, and tds happens to be one of my favorites. definatley good stuff, i love it
silvercrimson
Bluelighter
hi ioverdone, thank you for the welcome!! i heard that it snows on the east coast, id love to swap locations, ive never seen snow before in my life!!Dammit! I want to live in Hawaii!!!! %)
Wanna swap locations?
I wholeheartedly agree with you concerning TDS... its my favorite spot on the web
Welcome, silvercrimson!
OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
^snow is okay for about maybe two minutes. After that it is just fucking annoying! 
Shoveling, fighting folks over street side parking, fucked up carpets from the salt that is used to melt the snow and, of course, there is always the traffic delays.
Ugh! I HATE snow!!!!!!!
Shoveling, fighting folks over street side parking, fucked up carpets from the salt that is used to melt the snow and, of course, there is always the traffic delays.
Ugh! I HATE snow!!!!!!!
bennyZA
Bluelighter
I guess I should introduce myself
Hey,
I've been reading bluelight posts for advice, information, education, but I never noticed TDS. So, I finally registered because I need to post something and get some feedback. I'm in a dark place, so I guess I should head to the dark side.
Hey,
I've been reading bluelight posts for advice, information, education, but I never noticed TDS. So, I finally registered because I need to post something and get some feedback. I'm in a dark place, so I guess I should head to the dark side.
DanielMN915
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 31, 2010
- Messages
- 10
Hello everyone I am Dan. I first started using hard drugs when I was 18 and attended my first rave. I was for years a responsible MDMA user and have actually referred to this web site for many reasons since my raving days. Anyway, gf got pregnant, so I quit all hard drugs and stayed off them.....until the bitch left WITH our son when he was 3 years old. We dated for 7 years and lived together for 5 years.
Soon after I got into using opiates which have been my drug of choice ever since. I start residential treatment in 3 days and I haven't even seen my almost 6 year old son for over 3 months due to my addiction and me being stupidly honest about it. Bluelight has helped me understand and safely use so many drugs in so many ways it has likely saved my life throughout the years. Ironic that now when I'm about to quit I actually join up and start posting.
Soon after I got into using opiates which have been my drug of choice ever since. I start residential treatment in 3 days and I haven't even seen my almost 6 year old son for over 3 months due to my addiction and me being stupidly honest about it. Bluelight has helped me understand and safely use so many drugs in so many ways it has likely saved my life throughout the years. Ironic that now when I'm about to quit I actually join up and start posting.
OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
good seeing you, Daniel
you are owed mad respect for going into treatment. It can be scary and exciting both at the same time. (it will be over before you know it).
do whatever you need to do in there for YOU and only you. You'll meet a bunch of folks and you will make many friends. Truth is... you'll most likely never see them again after leaving treatment so stay on point and keep that focus on you
Its admirable that you are thinking of your son in all of this. 3 months is a long time but, once you get clean, your son will have a real dad and you guys will be more able to create real, life-long, positive memories
Is this your first experience with treatment?
you are owed mad respect for going into treatment. It can be scary and exciting both at the same time. (it will be over before you know it).
do whatever you need to do in there for YOU and only you. You'll meet a bunch of folks and you will make many friends. Truth is... you'll most likely never see them again after leaving treatment so stay on point and keep that focus on you
Its admirable that you are thinking of your son in all of this. 3 months is a long time but, once you get clean, your son will have a real dad and you guys will be more able to create real, life-long, positive memories
Is this your first experience with treatment?
DanielMN915
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 31, 2010
- Messages
- 10
Yes it is my first experience with treatment and hopefully the last. I seem to be very fixated on whether or not I will be put on suboxone maint. I've quit cold turkey so many times and failed every time eventually so I hope the doctor there will listen to what I believe I need.
kalimaisme
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 27, 2010
- Messages
- 8
Hi my name is kala and I'm 22 yrs old I've been struggling with opiate addiction for almost 5 yrs the last year and a half I've been an iv user for some reason opiates are the only drugs I've never been able to recreationaly use..I can do everything else in moderation! Well id like to say thank thank you to this site for all the info I've gained and advice on the safe ways to do things and to daniel good luck! And I completely understand I'm in the same position I've quit many times and its never worked I too am going into rehab soon and I also want to be put on subs
Colossi_UK
Greenlighter
How do I gain Bluelight status as I can't send Private messages although I have an inbox I would like to reply to?
anjalimaya
Greenlighter
I am a long time drug struggler and experimenter. I have always been the extreme personality. If I am going to do it, I over do it to test my boundaries. I feel altered mental states is just a human evolutional need...however, I live my life like this now, by this thesis: If you don't respect what you are putting in your body, if you commit narcotic hubris, you will have to have a hard fall back to humanville where shit sucks and life is pain and YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT. My skin crawls when I hear a non-heroin addict say "I think I could manage heroin use". OKAY. If you are better than me, WS Burroughs, Aleister Crowley, Kurt Cobain, Jimmy Page and the old Chinese Empire that fell to opium use - then go ahead. I don't want to be the one that is going to catalyze your realization that you have to respect these chemicals. If you don't, you pay. Period. We are all the same.
Drug addiction makes everyone equal...despite your drug of choice
That being said, I really enjoy speaking to people "of my nature." Because I am intent on building my life back and I cannot do that with people even knowing that I struggle with heroin addiction (or any drug). It is a balancing act but it is tough not letting people truly know exactly what you are craving. Just to say, "DAMN, I just want to shoot up something!" and people not run to hide their possessions.
So I am a PhD student in Cultural History starting at the University of Liverpool in Fall this year. I am born and raised in So Cal. Now I live in Brooklyn and work in Manhattan...I obsessed with music, cultural studies, people watching, great conversations, theories, and respect. And embracing my "darkness" instead of fearing it, numbing it or ignoring it.
That is me in a nutshell (just not a short one...LOL)
Drug addiction makes everyone equal...despite your drug of choice
That being said, I really enjoy speaking to people "of my nature." Because I am intent on building my life back and I cannot do that with people even knowing that I struggle with heroin addiction (or any drug). It is a balancing act but it is tough not letting people truly know exactly what you are craving. Just to say, "DAMN, I just want to shoot up something!" and people not run to hide their possessions.
So I am a PhD student in Cultural History starting at the University of Liverpool in Fall this year. I am born and raised in So Cal. Now I live in Brooklyn and work in Manhattan...I obsessed with music, cultural studies, people watching, great conversations, theories, and respect. And embracing my "darkness" instead of fearing it, numbing it or ignoring it.
That is me in a nutshell (just not a short one...LOL)
^^ Hi anjalimaya, welcome to The Dark Side
Hi Colossi, you have to reach 50 posts before you gain Bluelighter status. In the meantime you can use the email function to contact other users
Hi Colossi, you have to reach 50 posts before you gain Bluelighter status. In the meantime you can use the email function to contact other users
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