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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

worst letdown of my life

hold on to her. fuck what everyone says. beat every guy who is in the way to a pulp and get her back. period.
 
im so sorry man............ that is fucked up

if i could say anything to stick let it be this....

dont use the drugs cause your in an emotional state, this will make everything so much worse....

not only for you, but everyone around you.....there is other girls out there, i know you love her, but if she would do that, she doesnt deserve you....
 
It's so funny how people on here are saying "how do you know you love her?" Love is a personal experience that is different to every individual. Just because you can't love someone and think that you'll never find the "true one" doesn't mean someone else has not found her. And who cares if the love ISN'T real? It's obviously real enough to him that it affects his emotions in some sort of positive way.
 
DXMkid420 said:
well shes saying she really does want me back. i talked to her and she was crying cuz she felt so bad, and i know its not a trick this time because its the real her, i can normally tell when shes lieing exept for last time cuz i was soo excited, but i really paid attention this ime and shes serious. of course i want to just say yes, butttttt do you think i should? because if it will be like it used to, them i would defiantly say yes and just forget this whole thing. but idk.
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See this is where roles can reverse and I suggest you take advantage of it while that window is still open. Remember how I said everyone has a weak spot? Shes starting to become vulnerable to you.

It does NOT matter to me whether you ignore this girl or get back together with her, you truely have to understand that is NOT the important thing here. The important part here is you regaining an upperhand on the situation so you can start feeling normal again.
And you don't really do this by taking her back initially. If you DO want to take her back, you have to punish her in someway. I know people will bring up how unethical this idea is, but if you don't set that boundary with her, you are essentially REWARDING her negative behavoir.

You should absolutely make her work to get you back. And there are a million and one ways to do this. When you speak to her, be very calm and self assured, and when you talk about getting back together merely say "I'm not sure if I'm ready yet... I mean I do want to get back with you, but I'm still hurt by what you did, I just need a bit of time".

That sort of self control will cause a woman to lose her mind rather quickly.
"So wait... he still loves me and wants me back... but isn't taking me back?... but says he will take me back when hes 'ready'... does he not like me anymore? why is it not urgent for him to take me back? how can I make him love me more?"

Regardless of what thoughts actually go through her mind, she is bound almost no matter what to always come to that last sentence of "what do I need to do to get him back/make him love me more?" You NEED to create that push/pull dynamic.
Let her feel what its like to not have you around for a bit emotionally. And I can tell you thats the most important part is how you emotionally speak to her these next few days. Pull back a bit, don't reveal certain intimate details about how you miss her and how much you love her. Think CASUAL. Women sense this emotional detachment almost immediately and its very punishing, same way it is to men.
This is the only way she can realize what she did was wrong. And when you DO take her back, it will be RIGHT, it will feel right. Thats the important part. If you take her back w/out setting that boundary first, you make it much likely that she will repeat certain bitchy behavoirs in the future.

I find in relationships its ALWAYS best to remain emotionally casual when things start to get stressful like this. Because the majority of people panic and let it affect their lifes in a negative way. Show her you are strong, show her do you DO NOT need her back, you are taking her back when she has proven she is worthy, and when she has endured a certain amount of discomfort.
This is just the way I would play it. I can't tell you how many times a girl has actually breakin up with me, and I'd start to fake an attitude of relief/happiness. I wouldn't call them, text them, write any sad shit on my facebook. I'd write things like "went to the beach today! had a blast". They'd eventually call or contact me in someway and I'd keep doing it.

Self esteem is a very sick fucking tool you can use to manipulate people. I hate to say this, but some people intuitively realize this and use it to their advantage. Don't get cruel with it, but use it to set boundaries and to build a foundation where you KNOW your partner is not going to try playing games with you... because when they do, you are always going to check mate their ass no matter what.
It all starts in the head. The more detached you can remain, and the less personal you can take it, the more you invariably wind up puncturing the other persons self esteem.

Just keep telling her that you DO want to get back together, but you are too confused and need some time to think (don't say time alone lol theres a good reason for it) sort things out. Try to keep it friendly and playful, and LET HER be the serious one. Switch up the role, and take the advantage back, and never lose that advantage again.
Once things calm down and its obvious shes sorry, you can drop the whole preoccupation with toying with her mind. But you still must be able to call on those skills at anytime in the future when she tries to do shit like this again... which she likely will.
In a way because you're the man you're responsible for keeping things stable and setting certain boundaries in the relationship. When she does ANYTHING wrong, you must always punish her behavoir in some way. A lot of people don't stick to this concept, and their partner keeps doing shit/acting out. Don't let it evolve into that dynamic. Take the upperhand, and hold onto it with everything you've got.

g/luck!
 
Oystereatingcrabs said:
It's so funny how people on here are saying "how do you know you love her?" Love is a personal experience that is different to every individual. Just because you can't love someone and think that you'll never find the "true one" doesn't mean someone else has not found her. And who cares if the love ISN'T real? It's obviously real enough to him that it affects his emotions in some sort of positive way.
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No one is saying he doesn't feel love, but there is a difference between having a mutual (or even one-sided love) love for someone and being a complete doormat.

Bojangles is completely right. Taking it from her side (and I think what she did to him was fucked up), if he loved her, he would have quit the drugs to salvage the relationship. Instead, he kept using and treated HER like dirt. Now, it's turned around. It is about control, and as soon as he gets her back, he will do the same thing to her. If this was a girl in SLR who was continually disappointed by a guy who promises to get clean, I'd tell her to let him go.

Oh dear, bojangles. I think you are right, but I also think your post just goes to show that men play games just as much as girls. I'm going to link to your post the next time someone talks about girls always playing the games. ;)
 
Lysis said:
No one is saying he doesn't feel love, but there is a difference between having a mutual (or even one-sided love) love for someone and being a complete doormat.

Bojangles is completely right. Taking it from her side (and I think what she did to him was fucked up), if he loved her, he would have quit the drugs to salvage the relationship. Instead, he kept using and treated HER like dirt. Now, it's turned around. It is about control, and as soon as he gets her back, he will do the same thing to her. If this was a girl in SLR who was continually disappointed by a guy who promises to get clean, I'd tell her to let him go.

Oh dear, bojangles. I think you are right, but I also think your post just goes to show that men play games just as much as girls. I'm going to link to your post the next time someone talks about girls always playing the games. ;)
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Haha! I absolutely agree. In fact, I actually think guys play more games then women do.
Its really because of how evolution has made it. Guys are the ones who are primarily strategizing, while women are doing the screening/choosing most of the time. Although it definitely goes both ways, I still think men have to do it more, because women have a higher sexual value then men do.
A guy can have high social status, and be like a woman in terms of screening and having an ocean of potential mates. But thats like 1 out of every 100 men. And in terms of women, like 25 out of every 100 are in demand. So that always means to be mathematically that men will usually be the ones playing more games.
Just my opinion personally.
 
DXMKid, it's so painfully obvious how young you are. With age comes much more confidence and understanding. You're going to do what you want to do, which is obviously prolong the inevitable. I'd take what bojangles said to heart, because I think he's dead on. I don't agree with the game playing, but considering what is going on, I think he's right.

It's so much more than "not yelling" at the person, but I am also older, so I expect a little more out of someone. I guess when you are young, it's all about just having fun and a connection. I think you both are just having issues letting the other go, which is unfortunately going to happen later down the road anyway.

You are being treated poorly, and I don't agree with it, but this is what happens when people are just done with the drug addict's addiction. Your original thread was that she left because of your drug use. You don't seem to have quit and she obviously has a problem with it, so I don't see this turning out as anything positive.

You really need to work on yourself or you will continue this merry-go-around. No self-respecting person would ever continue this relationship, and the irony in it is that most women (men too) do not stick around with someone who have no self-respect. It's very frustrating to deal with...self-loathing is unattractive to both genders.
 
Lysis said:
No one is saying he doesn't feel love, but there is a difference between having a mutual (or even one-sided love) love for someone and being a complete doormat.

Bojangles is completely right. Taking it from her side (and I think what she did to him was fucked up), if he loved her, he would have quit the drugs to salvage the relationship. Instead, he kept using and treated HER like dirt. Now, it's turned around. It is about control, and as soon as he gets her back, he will do the same thing to her. If this was a girl in SLR who was continually disappointed by a guy who promises to get clean, I'd tell her to let him go.

Oh dear, bojangles. I think you are right, but I also think your post just goes to show that men play games just as much as girls. I'm going to link to your post the next time someone talks about girls always playing the games. ;)
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IMO the game playing is different though. Girls will play games literally just to fuck with your head. The mind games Bojangles is talking about isn't about fucking with someone's mind, but rather it's a way to set boundaries and to let your partner know that you knew what they did was wrong (they inevitably knew what they themselves did wrong), and that you're not going to tolerate that type of shit. Guys - at least guys I know - don't say one thing and mean the other, which happens to be a recurring theme I see all the time in women in my life. But, you're right though - guys do play mind games, I really just don't think it's on the same level as girls though. It could have to do with that so-called "diplomatic gene" that girls have?

DXM bro, you must fix yourself before getting back with the girl. Take Bojangles's advice, but ACTUALLY take the time to think. Do you want the drugs, or do you want the girl? You can't keep disappointing your girl with the drug use. She must truly believe you are clean, and you must gain back some of your self-respect before this relationship will work out. Good luck though bro.
 
Bojangles69 said:
I'm sure he would be thankful for that bro.

But isn't this the same situation where you talked to her mom and the mother told you to stay away from her daughter or something? I could be mixing it up with someone else but if I remember correctly it was you. And at that point I was about 99% sure that marked a clear end to the relationship.

You keep giving this girl more and more power with every sentence you type and every thought that passes through your brain. When 2 people get together they pool their self esteem together, so you always feel better when you're with that person. But that feeling is also bullshit because its not your real selfesteem. The way you're feeling now is only a representation of how insecure you were before meeting this girl. She obviously helps distract you from w/e it is you hate about yourself.

But you also have to realize that she is susceptible to the SAME EXACT weaknesses you are. ALL humans have an essential need to belong. And right now she merely has the upperhand because you gave it to her.

You NEED to STOP talking to her. If she calls DON'T fucking pick up. If she texts/emails keep telling her "I'm busy". **IF** you show her any anger at all, that will feel like a compliment to her, you have to understand that. Love is not what your parents taught you or what you learned by watching movies, its a business exchange pure and simple, thats why it often can get ugly at times. If you had played your cards out right earlier, SHE would have been the one obsessing over you, SHE would have been the one wanting to kill herself right now.

But for WHATEVER reason in the world its obvious that you think shes better than you are. And she has NO REASON to ever desire you if thats how you think about yourself. How can she possibly be attracted to a man who doesn't give 1 measily fuck about himself and will endure infinite torture in some sick attempt to fill his own voids? That type of attitude is going to make it EASIER and EASIER for her to look the other way and forget you that much sooner. But if she KNOWS you are in pain, you can use the right now to your advantage. Unless shes a sociopath, theres a very good chance she felt a nice wave of guilt after causing that circumstance. You said she texted you (post 14) but never told us what happened.

Is she texting you in response to a text you sent? Or is she feeling guilty? Because EITHER FUCKING WAY, STOP ACTING INTERESTED IN HER. She is NOT "Juliet", she is a flawed, fucked up creature like every other person on this planet. Her emotions can be toyed with the same exact way shes toying with yours.
But untill you are able to man up and have some self respect, you will NEVER be able to take control back.

If 20 smoking hot girls were standing in front of you naked right now I don't care who you are your mind would NOT be focused on this girl. You prob feel somewhere inside like because she doesn't desire you anymore, that must mean every other woman in this world doesn't desire you. ALL YOU REALLY WANT, is control. To have the decision to be with her if its what YOU WANT.

BUT YOU HAD HER, and you didn't give a shit, cause you kept using drugs and lost her. But now all a sudden cause shes gone shes important? Fuck that. Snap back into reality bro. You are warping the shit out of your mind and doing all this to yourself. If she gave herself back to you'd be happy for not even one week and that would be it. By week 2 you'd likely be using drugs again. This is more about control then it is true love, if the love was ever there in the first place, you wouldn't have treated it like it was disposable. Now shes treating you like you're disposable, what a surprise.

Although if it was me personally I would headfuck this girl into oblivion untill she came crawling back beggn, you DO NOT have the experience to see her for what she is. You are young, you lack experience, and you think shes your one and only soul mate - shes NOT. A man is suppose to be strong, hold his ground, be smart and deliberate with his decisions. Right now you'd prob chop your own testicles off to have her back.
Thats NOT a result of how good a person she is, thats a result of your low self esteem. You're not a piece of shit, you're not hopeless, you CAN and WILL find a girl 100 times fucking better that will put this bitch to shame.

This is the time to start excercising some strength, or else your mind is going to be taken where the fuck this girl wants it to be. Become angry, not by beating up that douchebag, but by showing how little you care for this chick. Do it long enough and strongly enough and very quickly you will put her own self esteem to the test. But at this point you have already given her so much power that I consider it a hopeless cause.

She can blink at you and you'll wanna go on and on about how much you love her. But do NOT forget, you had that chance, if she was ever what you thought she was, you wouldn't have made the decision to use drugs in the first place. You are hung up on control. You want drugs, and you want her. You already proved you couldn't have both. So please move on. You can complain/bitch about how much you hate her but I'm not gonna sit here and listen to how little you care about your own self. Thats bullshit, have some self respect. Otherwise whats the point of even being in a relationship in the first place? I simply have no idea how you expect someone to desire you, when you basically hate yourself. You shouldn't be dating in the first place till you fix that aspect of who you are.
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I have recently disagreed with you in other places, but this is a pretty good take of the problems of DXMkid that I have watched for quite some time now.

K-Dazed said:

IMO the game playing is different though. Girls will play games literally just to fuck with your head. ]
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All humans have extreme role playing tendencies in socially and cultural expected situations whether they want to admit it or not.

Who the hell does not take the inherent beauty that they have been given and curve it around their social cues for success and "power" on at least a somewhat frequent basis? Liars!
 
DXMkid i remember one of ur posts im sorry things have gone this way 4 u man:(
Ur girl did a creul thing u didnt deserve that shit bro ,,, no one does, hey u got cleen but?? nothing to show?? bullshit u did that shit 4 you no matter how much u think it was for that chick.. u need ta b feelin good about that!

if things are over u will have to eventualy build that bridge and as for bingeing out, just b carefulll manif u gotta and dont use anthing ur not used to, no matter what happens theres nothing man nothing thats worth ending things over or fucking ur body and mind over.... this is al somewhat hypocritical of me to say as i have my own demons... keep postin man theres all who care here:\
 
DXMkid420 said:
but thats the thing, iv neer yelled at her, been mean to her, nothing. and i did drugs because she told me she didnt care at first.
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it's when a girl starts caring for you and you aren't ready to move on past drugs that not yelling etc , goes out the window. The pain is gonna come to her from you not willing to give up what she sees destroying you. Take it from me bro I've been up and down the road with women and drugs lol.
 
DXMkid420 said:
but thats the thing, iv neer yelled at her, been mean to her, nothing. and i did drugs because she told me she didnt care at first.
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Not yelling at someone or not being mean to them doesn't get you bonus points - it's a basic level of respect which people should be able to take for granted, not something exceptional.

Drugs can be an unforgiving mistress and many people would rather be in a relationship in which they aren't an issue than hope that someone with substance use/abuse issues will eventually change.

People get a choice about what behaviour they'll tolerate in a relationship and those with a healthy sense of self esteem will rarely tolerate dysfunctional shit for very long. That goes for friends and acquaintances just as much it does for romantic relationships - there's not a single drug abuser I've known, including myself, who hasn't lost quite a few people along the way because of their use.

You get to choose your behaviour but you don't get to choose other people's reactions to it. People may give you the opportunity to change but they're not obliged to do so and change made solely to please someone else is rarely sustainable anyway.

Are you someone you'd be happy to be in a relationship with - if not, then you need to work on becoming that person.
 
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