Kind of rambling so sorry, just feeling emoish and I couldn't stop going :-\
I actually find myself jealous of the people that are saddened by rejection just because they have experiences and I fear rejection too much to even open myself to it. Well that and I can't recall most experiences in my life just cause I've been this way as long I can remember, it's like my memory isn't active and doesn't work right.. My old friends knew I had a terrible memory and used to finish sentences for me and everything.
Spent most of middle school to end of high school sleep deprived to the point of barely being able to socialize, usually not much more than a few sentences if I were to talk that day, most of the time I didn't say a word unless I had to cause it took too much effort. Blacked out randomly cause my body forced rem sleep on me while taking notes and would always miss them cause the teacher would be erasing them when I was awake again (at the time I had no idea what was happening when chunks of time were gone). I usually got somewhere between 6 and 12 hours of sleep a week altogether, mostly at school, and I actually got less on the weekends because I was hooked on games.
Senior year decided I'd turn it around cause I was sick of my memory problems etc. and I spent every night in bed for 7-9 hours straight without sleeping, but thinking it was still good for me right? I thought maybe I'm depressed cause everyone in my family and extended family is on meds so I talk to a psych and end up on 20 mgs of Prozac. Like a week after getting on the Prozac I end up on a terribly eyeballed dose of shrooms which resulted in the worst trip I have ever had in my life.
Month later I feel the desire for sleep at a friends house, I completely forgot what it was and it was such a huge moment for me, went into another room while they dropped acid and I went to sleep. Although it still took me a while to fall asleep at first I was already in the habit of laying in bed all night.
Throughout the beginning of the year I started to break down more and more, I was gaining feelings and emotions I forgot existed and I was starting to feel suicidal for the first time in my life (the shroom trip definitely didn't help with any of this). Before then I always thought it was such a stupid thought, so illogical (I strictly followed logic while sleep deprived, little to no emotions affected my thoughts) to commit suicide. I had been off my ADD meds for years, but then decided to take one (they were previously forced on me, this time I wanted them) and I got on adderall and found out it removed these suicidal thoughts and made everything clear and perfect. You can just imagine where this ends up right?
Few times I took hand fulls of drugs recklessly while feeling down, partially a cry for help, but ended up never telling anyone. Blacked out one of the times after blood pressure meds and shit and woke up with the nurse above me. Managed to convince everyone I just hadn't slept (funny considering my past, but nobody really knew how severe my sleep deprivation was). Throughout this period of emoness, my reliance on adderall grew and I got more scripts prescribed including dex and vyvanse and also I had my prozac dose doubled to 40 mgs.
After a while on the 40 mg dose of prozac I found it impossible to get up in the morning and ended up getting dropped from the credit recovery program I was in. Enrolled in an alternative high school that only promoted my addiction and I ended up wanting nothing more than to tweak harder and I did just that :-\ I scored from a previous meth head that went to school with me at first until I found my own supply and they only let one person in the bathroom at a time so I used it as a place to smoke. Eventually crashed and burned and stopped going to school again and got kicked out. Btw speed is a terrible drug for someone that hates sleep anyway and blows it off like nothing.
Took a couple months out of school and then eventually got my GED and now the present after moving to VA:
I'm turning 20 in November and I've never been in a relationship, went on a few dates with one chick that I didn't even like (friend hooked us up or something, i cant remember) and I'm not only still a virgin, I've never even gotten a bj. Not a single one of my friends knows that I'm a virgin, they all think I've gotten way more action they have cause girls grind on me a lot and whatnot, but I'm not really into girls so it is kinda like meh and I guess to a degree I'm scared of not performing well? That and I'm usually staring at the guys at the party while they're grinding on me, but I've never met a gay guy in person that I found attractive.
I currently don't have a single friend besides a friend from mn that I talk to online and an old childhood friend that I barely know anymore and he lives bout an hour and a half away. I avoid pretty much all situations that I have to feel uncomfortable in because I can't stand showing the "nonsmooth" side that is full of anxiety (who likes showing that side?).
I'm behind in life it feels like basically I guess, idk. My older brother (more recently) and everyone has put pressure on me all my life to do well because I had the highest IQ test out of everyone in my family, but I have always just felt half retarded and I despise school. I've always wanted to be rich and successful, but now I just feel like I don't care and I have no idea where I'll end up in the future. Don't even know if it'll be with a guy or girl if anyone. I feel like people years younger than me have done more than I have in life and are farther along than I am, sexually, socially, everything idk.
Weirdest thing is I don't know how much that shroom trip changed me cause I can't remember what I felt like before, but ever since it happened I haven't been able to figure out how I feel bout anything and I've just been lost. Pretty sure it had a bigger part in who I am than I've been thinking it did.
