• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Self-harm support thread v. 3

Hello everyone I need some advice. My neice is 22 years old she started cutting herself when she was 12. She then became addicted to herion and xanax she has very little respect for herself. She has been in and out of rehabs and she comes home and puts on a good act to her mom (mom's eyes never see what they don't want to.) but the cutting has become more frequent and pretty sever she has even been going to parking lot of the emergency in case she cuts to deep. I feel so helpless and she is dying right in front of us. I am a recovery heroin addict I have been 5 years clean from I.V. use. She has no insurance and the best rehab that will work with her charity wise is in the middle of dopeville .There isn't a good chance at recovery when ya know the dealers are right outside your window. So how can I help this girl ?I know that the dope is a issue, a big one.Oh yeah let me add that she has bipolar. I feel so helpless. I wish I could commit her and make her stay until they found the right mix of meds. That is another worry I have I relize that it is a mental condition, so there for the medication has got to be changing your brain. How in the world do they know what medication to go with? Is it not a shit load of trial and error? I hear she is on depakote, suboxone, seraquil, and zanny's but then she throws the dope in the mix that has got to make the meds off balance ? I hope I didn't impose on this thread because I am not the cutter so I have no real input but I need to let it out. And I know the answer. But I don't like to think that we may lose her. And I can only imagine, she must have an extreme amount of internal pain. It is so sad.. thank you and I understand if you have no more to give me info wise, but I had to get it off my mind I love this babygirl...she is mixed up and so am I...
 
SproutOnSmack said:
This is my 3rd day without cutting and I'm already fighting myself not to - I've been as mentally cruel as I could be, running a blade down the veins on my wrist, with barely enough pressure to feel it - but mentally I'm screaming at myself to do it, to just slice the skin again, to feel my own blood warm up my arm. I don't even know why I feel like this, I have nothing to feel bad about - within 3 hours of my girlfriend leaving I'm already wallowing in my own pity, for fuck all; I don't have a single worry, I just feel empty and sadly as though somehow hurting myself will make it better, or at least dull the pain. Supposed to be an update but kinda turned into a vent.
Click to expand...


I know what you mean when you say your gf leaves and you just start wallowing. Being with people takes my mind off all my shit, but once I am by myself, it's like I think about every single thing that sucks about me. I don't really have anything to be sad about either :\

Idk, I just wish you luck. If you wanna talk PM me.
 
Day 4 and I haven't cut, but I've been punching the walls, my hand is purple and swollen with a suspected broken knuckle, already have tendon damage from a month or so ago. Within 3 seconds of getting off the phone I was almost screaming in tears and trying to basically put my fist through a solid brick wall. But at least I'm not cutting; my hand will heal without the scars my cutting has left me with.
 
Not even 4 days; what a fucking failure. I cut again about ten minutes ago, under the illusion it would somehow solve something; which it blatantly doesn't, but I can't deny it took away my problems for just a few seconds. Happiness - depression - cutting - more depression - scars. Constant cycle.
 
SproutOnSmack, you're not a failure. You are not a failure. You are not a failure.


You made it almost 4 whole days! For someone who was cutting every day for months, that's really awesome. I know you feel shitty, but this is actually an accomplishment. I am proud of you, and I hope you can be proud of yourself.

You're having a hard time. Is there someone you trust to talk about all this with, family, a good friend, or a therapist? You are in some much emotional pain. It's very apparent, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. But you see the cycle. You need to break it. I don't know you well enough to suggest anything more, but please talk to someone you trust and please tell them how you feel at least, or about how you're hurting yourself if you trust them enough to do that. You're not a burden to them if you tell them - they don't want to see you in pain either, and will want to help. Just like if they were having a hard time, you'd want to help them. And at the least, you'd want to know.

Hold on - tomorrow's a brand new day. <3
 
Last edited:
^^ Beautiful words hun, thank you <3


missunderstood, that is a really hard situation hun. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful neice who is having such a difficult time. It's so hard to know where to even start to help someone in her position, but I really think she needs professional help. I know you said it's hard for her to get access to rehab facilities because of the proximity to dope dealers. But what if she just started out with some regular counselling, just to start the process of talking to someone about her problems? Do you think she would go for that??
I really wish the best for her. Keep us updated <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
^^ Beautiful words hun, thank you <3


missunderstood, that is a really hard situation hun. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful neice who is having such a difficult time. It's so hard to know where to even start to help someone in her position, but I really think she needs professional help. I know you said it's hard for her to get access to rehab facilities because of the proximity to dope dealers. But what if she just started out with some regular counselling, just to start the process of talking to someone about her problems? Do you think she would go for that??
I really wish the best for her. Keep us updated <3
Click to expand...
hey thank you so much for replying to my post I really do appreciate it. The bad thing with my girl is she has been to counseling been in rehabs. I talked to her for the first time in a while. I explained to her that bipolar meds are already playing with her brain chem and then add dope the Dr. will never get her better that why. Ya know maybe it is something she never really thought of, so it was worth the words. I believe she is crying out for help. She had a horrifying photo of herself up on facebook it made me totally sad. She knows we all see her photo. She is dying before my eyes. I emailed 2 interventionist I am waiting for their reply. I figure they can pull strings. They know where all the donations are as far as help without insurance. I asked her if she would consider it and she did agree that she needed help so I am hoping that someone can help. Damn I wish I could just go and get her and lock her away. keep her safe from herself . Again it means allot to me that you responded to me. I really do feel helpless and it helps me to be able to at least vent to others that know where I am coming from. I pray for everyone that is fighting any mental illness. I am in the club too. But I also have been blessed.My obsession has been lifted. (not a cutter. I am an addict.)
 
i have no idea why but I've had strong, strong urges to cut today but don't have anything readily available to do it with. I've been thinking about going to the store to pick up some single edge blades :\
 
I am a burden on my family. My drug abuse has gotten to the point where I took money from my own mother. When she confronted me I just couldn't bare to confess knowing she would be concerned on what I spent that money on. I just denied it and had a panic attack while I was on the phone with her. I ran out of my klonopins so I was just panicking and going crazy. I barricaded myself in my room and just didn't say a word when my grandma and grandpa were pretty much trying to take the door down.

I've never cut myself before in fact not too long ago I would have laughed at some one who does and called them an emo but as I was sitting in my room crying, panicking, losing my mind I picked up one of my knives and cut myself from my wrist to my elbow. It hurt and it was barely even a cut and for some reason that made me angry. I continued to cut myself from my wrist to my elbow all around my arm angry that I couldn't even handle the pain so with each cut I just dug in deeper and deeper and I felt a sense of relief. The pain didn't matter anymore, after a few slices with the knife I grabbed a razor and just sliced both my arms up like it was nothing. I felt better but my sadness turned to rage for some reason. I punched my wardrobe thing and I think my knuckle is broken.

I contemplated going back to robbing cars and robbing people on the street. I was so ready I grabbed my gun and went outside but it was too early and if I catch another felony I will be put on the island. I thought for a little bit and just went back home planning to go out later at night but now I feel completely fine. What should I tell my mother? Ever since freshman year of high school I've given her nothing but worries and stress. My grandparents too and I don't know what the fuck kind of example I am setting for my little sister. I don't know what to do in this life. I don't want to go to school and then work for the rest of my life; I very well can I am not a stupid person but FUCK THAT. My mom insists that that is the only way "oh you were born into a society where this is how things work" well if I had a choice I would have never existed. I can kill myself and I would if there weren't people that cared for me. I think I am just gonna end up in prison and I'm only 18 too haha what a crazy world.

EDIT: I just need some one to talk to. I have no real friends. I know a ton of people that I hang out with but those aren't the kind of people you can talk to. I don't wanna see a shrink for sure. Shrinks just piss me off for some reason I don't even wanna bother trying to explain it.

P.S. Holy shit I fucked my arms up like wow I was really out of it it looks like I stuck em through barbed wire.
 
Last edited:
Wow, DEFNSD, we have had very different lives and yet we have some core issues that we share:
1) We believe we are burdens to our loved ones.
2) We abuse kpins.
3) We experience relief from cutting.
4) We have suicidal thoughts and do not believe there is a place in the world for us where we can find inner peace.

I do have two people who have been through many mental health and drug related struggles to talk to and it's a blessing. However, one is dying of cancer and does not need to worry about my mental health. My other friend is still in the process of getting his life together and is unreliable for all his loving support. So I know how it feels to have no one to talk to.

I never felt certain I was going to end up in prison, but I have been convinced that a mandatory stay in a mental health ward is in my future if I live that long.

I think it's plain I can empathize to a certain extent. And I have no solutions to so many of our important issues. But I want to ask one thing of you: Please, please, give your gun to someone you trust and remove that most dangerous variable from your life. Prison is only going to make your mental health issues far more complicated and using a firearm in theft is a surefire way to get killed or get into the slammer. And it is a FINAL way to commit suicide and you do not need that option readily available. Whatever else has happened in your life, I can tell you possess an intelligence through your writing and I know you have value and can contribute to the world in a way that matters. Keep writing, and try to hope.
 
Oh, and Neo, I am indeed a classically trained dancer. Funnily enough, it sounds like you and I are physically built very similarly (5'9"/155lbs right now, working my way down hopefully, but I am super muscular). I wonder if our "Amazonian" builds, although natural and out of our control, have played a part in our self worth issues through corporate gender manipulation i.e. "Girls should be delicate and short, tiny and cute".
 
Last edited:
littlegirlblue said:
Wow, DEFNSD, we have had very different lives and yet we have some core issues that we share:
1) We believe we are burdens to our loved ones.
2) We abuse kpins.
3) We experience relief from cutting.
4) We have suicidal thoughts and do not believe there is a place in the world for us where we can find inner peace.

I do have two people who have been through many mental health and drug related struggles to talk to and it's a blessing. However, one is dying of cancer and does not need to worry about my mental health. My other friend is still in the process of getting his life together and is unreliable for all his loving support. So I know how it feels to have no one to talk to.

I never felt certain I was going to end up in prison, but I have been convinced that a mandatory stay in a mental health ward is in my future if I live that long.

I think it's plain I can empathize to a certain extent. And I have no solutions to so many of our important issues. But I want to ask one thing of you: Please, please, give your gun to someone you trust and remove that most dangerous variable from your life. Prison is only going to make your mental health issues far more complicated and using a firearm in theft is a surefire way to get killed or get into the slammer. And it is a FINAL way to commit suicide and you do not need that option readily available. Whatever else has happened in your life, I can tell you possess an intelligence through your writing and I know you have value and can contribute to the world in a way that matters. Keep writing, and try to hope.
Click to expand...

Thank you for replying, very touching.:) I am very sorry to hear about your friend, I know there really isn't much to say to some one in that kind of situation but my prayers go out to him/her. I'm happy to tell you that I spoke to my mother just recently and confessed to stealing from her. Couldn't quite bare to tell her I used the money on xanax but I guess I made some progress. It relieved me so much that she was happy I was honest with her. I feel a whole lot better now and I feel so stupid for destroying my arms. Gonna have to wear a long sleeve shirt to my doc tomorrow in like 80 degree weather hehe.

I was in a really bad state of mind when I wrote my previous post, I was just panicking and trying to be as negative as possible. For some reason it sometimes relieves me to make the worst out of things when its really not all that horrible. I really don't know anyone I can just give a gun to who wont shoot some one or sell it so I just locked it away for now and I'll tell you I definitely will not be shooting or robbing anyone. I fucked up in college but I think my major just wasn't right for me. I had this childish fantasy of majoring in pharmaceuticals so one day I could eat all the pills I want haha but that did not work out. I'm gonna try college again this upcoming semester and hopefully get my shit together. Thanks again for replying it really made me feel better.
 
Thank you all for your kind words, they mean a lot <3

I cut again today, deeper than I have before - I can see the muscle quite easily through it and it's agony to wash, touch or rub against my clothes. But it was that or suicide; which at the time didn't seem like that much of a ludicrous idea. I wanted to just slide the blade round and hit the veins but I stopped myself, thankfully. After a few hours on the phone I may possibly have told the first person ever about how I feel, and it made me so happy to do that. I'm considering actually getting some help now, in the terms of seeing a psychiatrist, or as little as telling my parents. They have no idea how low I've been for the last few years, hid 3 suicide attempts from them, years of cutting, blood and scars. But I'm keeping up my hopes that somehow it will all work out, eventually. So again thank you for your kind words <3
 
^^ Mate I am so glad to hear you're wanting to get help. Unfortunately sometimes it takes reaching a sort of "rock-bottom" for a lot of people to realise/admit they need help. It sounds like you did some extensive damage today, but it also sounds like you don't want to continue like this. Don't down-play something as significant as telling your parents though, because that takes a lot of courage, and I know you have it in you. Telling your parents would be awesome though because they will give you the extra support you'll need in this difficult time. And it will work out, you will get through this.
Please make sure you take care of that wound as well. If you need to get stitches, take yourself to a medical center now and get it fixed up. Take care okay?? <3

kc I sure hope you didn't get razor blades today. How are you doing hun?? <3

missunderstood, that's great you spoke to your neice about your concerns hun. You're right, sometimes just talking about it can help. And that's excellent you're getting the help of the interventionists as well, good luck with them. Keep us updated okay? <3
 
DEFNSD, I'm glad I could help you feel a bit better. Coming clean to your parents when you've done something to hurt them is so hard, but I think it is a testimony to what a neat woman your mom must be that your honesty was so highly valued.
I also started out college majoring in the wrong thing for me, and coupled with mental health issues (and significant partying) almost lost my scholarship, aka my ability to even attend. I didn't find the correct major for me until half way through my sophomore year, and many of my friends didn't even declare until their junior year. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself on that account :)
I'll be wearing long sleeves this summer for awhile too. I hope by August or September we'll both have the freedom of using our whole wardrobes... and more healthy coping skills.
Good luck man!
 
I want to cut so badly right now! Apparently my bf is really mad at me because "everything" I do when I'm high is "annoying". Even the "tone of" my "voice is annoying". Apparently the fact that I cleaned and vacuumed our bedroom and made him dinner is annoying. I don't understand why he has to hate me so much just because I'm high... I hate myself so much right now. I feel unloved, unwanted, useless.
 
Stay Strong PillThrill!

Oh hun, I totally understand how you feel. Please do NOT hurt yourself over your boyfriend's cruel criticisms. Don't hate yourself just because your man has decided to be judgmental and hurtful. I know it is so much easier to turn the pain you feel from that type of interaction and blame yourself:(, but you should try to fuel those feelings into as positive an outlet as you have. Perhaps you can figure out a way to describe to your significant other that horrid emotional place you find yourself in when he disapproves of you?

You are obviously FAR from useless: You cleaned a two-person living space and provided dinner! People get paid to perform those services for others!

Why is your boyfriend so upset over your substance-use? Has this always been an issue of contention in your relationship? I feel like that may be the real heart of the issue...

From what I have seen, you are well regarded and universally liked on the forums here.<3 You are loved, wanted and worthy of every happiness you find in life.
 
cutting seems to focus me. it's like before I do it my head is all over the place and the thoughts are moving so fast that I can't even tell what is making me upset. Then I cut and I get this rush of blood to the head or something and everything comes into focus and I can relax for a little while.
 
xxkcxx said:
cutting seems to focus me. it's like before I do it my head is all over the place and the thoughts are moving so fast that I can't even tell what is making me upset. Then I cut and I get this rush of blood to the head or something and everything comes into focus and I can relax for a little while.
Click to expand...

This is the endorphin rush hun. It very clearly explains the exact feelings you get when you cut. It makes perfect sense as to why cutting is so addictive as well.

You can use other methods to get the exact same endorphin rush kc, things like crushing an ice cube in your hand, or snapping a big rubber band on your skin, it produces the exact same chemical release in your brain which gives the same physical and mental relief that cutting does.

Total fact hun. Do you think you could try and put this in to practice next time you feel the urge to cut??
 
that is weird that a lot of you mention that you cut when under the influence of alcohol. I don;t consider my self a "cutter" although I have cut things into my arm like " Fix Me" or just random lined patterns. It was always to release anger or inner pain but I also was always under the influence of alcohol and Xanax bars. I wonder if there is any kind of connection.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top