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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a total piece of garbage. I want out of my whole. I just got in a school for fall semester and I cannot handle this anymore. Im worried about all kinds of shit my addiction and diseases hoping my blood test comes back fine. I feel like an all around loser. Wheres the next step? Who knows. I'm playing with fire every time I use due to my sleep apnea sometimes doing to much nodding in and out of reality seeing things that are not really there and hearing voices. I hate the path I took and want to turn around and run as fast as I can and escape but I dont think this path ends anywhere. Im stuck in a box of scary dreams, constant worries, and bullshit someone as young as me shouldn't be dealing with right now. I thought one day I could do anything and all I can do is one thing, drugs.
 
^I've got sleep disorders, and I know what you mean, dude. People really underestimate how much stress they add - have you thought about going to a sleep center?

Idk your situation, but it sounds like you're transitioning, and that's always scary. But it sounds like you're starting to take care of your health, and things will get better - hit me up if you ever need to talk. <3

jackie jones, I know you don't know me, but I've seen your posts on here, and you seem like a good guy. Your journey doesn't have to involve suicide....whatever's out there after we die isn't going anywhere. If you'd like to talk sometime, contact me - and that goes for everybody on here. Hope you're all well.
 
jackie jones, you sound like you have your mind set. I can't try to convince you that your idea of the 'afterlife' or whatever is wrong, since I don't know if it is or not. It does sound nice. But is there nothing else in life you want to accomplish before you leave this plane of existence? You can die at any time you wish... I don't know anything about you, but do you have passion for anything else besides your love who is not here, and your family which you know, based on your beliefs, will still be with you once you pass. Sites to see on earth, physical feats to accomplish, people to talk to and form "earthly" relationships with? People who could use help that you could help? Things you want to learn or know how to do - knowledge to gain? There must be something.
I understand that you feel at peace with your decision, and I'm sure you feel in your heart that what you think will happen, will. I am not challenging that. I just hope you are sure that there is nothing else here for you, before you die. Death will always be there - no need to rush into it, is there? I wish the best for you. <3

BananasAndOranges, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You may be doing self destructive things, "bad" things (quote/unquote), but you are not a bad person, and certainly not a loser or piece of garbage. I hope you can believe me when I say I don't think of you that way. I hope you can know that you're a good person who's made some unfortunate choices. You can make better choices in the future if you stick around. Things can get better, it happens to many people - but it takes time.

Audio and visual hallucinations are horrible, I'm sorry you are going through them. Have you been diagnosed with a sleep disorder? These are obvious symptoms of these types of disorders, and the WILL go away or at least drastically lessen, were you to get counseling and possibly go on certain medicines. You can LIVE, and not live with those symptoms forever. It's very, very possible.

You can, as you say, "turn around and run as fast as I can and escape". You can! It won't happen overnight, but you can get out of your box. I hope you get some help for yourself - you can get help for all of your problems and help yourself overcome the past and present situations.

<3 <3 <3 you are both in my thoughts this late night

on review, also what Heroin Girl said
 
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jackie jones said:
I keep using all my energy in this life looking for my one, and she is not here.
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She is out there man, and you will find her. But you have to keep looking. You have to actually be here in order to find her and to enjoy that discovery.

jackie jones said:
I am looking forward to what I have to do. It was like I was still myself, in another world. It felt like home in a way I was not able to comprehend.

While I am still in that immediate post-dream state when all I desire is to go there again.
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I understand that euphoric peaceful place you were in when you were dreaming, I really do. My dreams are always completely vivid and realistic so I often feel an afterglow after particularly beautiful dreams so I really do know what you mean. But if you end your life, how can you be sure you're going to end up there?? What happens if there really is nothing afterwards? It's not worth the risk to end everything that you have now, only to find out that you don't end up where you want to be afterwards. Then you'll have no life, no dream-world, no "the one", and no way of getting a second chance to try again.
Please reconsider <3
 
Thank you, everyone <3

I typed that right after I woke, so I was not of the most stable mindset. I have been having trouble with my dreams lately, which are always disturbing in some manner. They have the ability to throw me off balance for a day or so.

I know that being a mod I should keep these thoughts to myself. I would hate to influence anyone into that thought pattern. There are just times that it seems like a good idea.
 
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I'm not bluelight staff, but I'd rather you post about it than keep it inside. I don't think anythings wrong with it, but that's just my opinion.

I hope you feel better soon. I hate disturbing dreams, it takes so long to shake them off for me. Hope you feel better soon. <3
 
jj, never feel inhibited to post your thoughts and feelings. We're all here to help each other, regardless if we're staff or not, okay? <3
Please PM me if you want to chat one-on-one <3
 
I am sick to death of living in this, and I will be sick with this until death...

I wouldn't wish this on anyone, why is it acceptable for me? its guaranteed to progress, and any further damage is irreversible, and progressive then aswell.

I am in absolute desperation for help, but am running out of resources. I might call the grievence council sooner then planned... This is absurd, no more negative reactions to medications, I can not take any more of this mentally or physically I have been restraining way way to long , im only human.

It seems to be a simple agitation to my family, but they would be in total shock if this hit them for a couple of minutes... my file is over whelming and fascinating to docs who dont have to be confronted with treating me...a medical calamity all documented, and they want to keep checking. But to every one else, most of that stuff is ignored, and annoying. Like im crying wolf, with a ton of paper work, ct scans mri.'s x rays cbc's etc as proof..... No
 
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^^ I completely understand that you have these thoughts in your darkest and most painful hours. But I recall something that you posted in a different thread about a week ago:
pip said:
there is a reason for you, and i to "permanently" struggle, utter integrity is one, this darkness you are in and want more of, will bring the true light out of you
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You said it man.

I KNOW the pain you're in, physically and thus mentally. But you are well and truly strong enough to get through it.
You will have bad days, but you will also have good days, forever more. THAT is why you will stick around.
Please hold on.
 
I really really need help, I don't understand, I have a massive serious medical file... And its going on two years now where new conditions arise, the pain becomes greater the medication they insist on is either contraindicative, useless, or fucks me all up in a bad bad way.

I want to go to the hospital now im so burning hard now.the university hospital where the pain center is said I could go to the local hospital and say that I wish to be admitted to the uni hospital, but it would be up to the locals. They wouldn't really be able to look at me as I would technically not be their patient, ive meet a few of the attending staff and they would recognize me..

that could be good or bad, my family would be all bothered and wonder WTF my problem is. They don't understand how great pain exhaustion and incredible frustration makes one very very desperate for help!!!

Just the odds of getting this are outstanding .08 every.
2.3 million.... And that's just the AS.

Something must give, but that's impossible, maybe some decent meds, more diagnostics, physical therapy.nothing incredible, just the help people in my situation ordinarily receive... And maybe a recognition from my family of strength patience and will, rather then only being told the opposite...

Id drive there now if I could, or call a cab, or a cop to take me, but of i did t would just be me being weak or"freaking-out"

But I, now after all this shit & all this time starting to become week and my god... I need help! Endure this a couple more years... To that I say you try it, I did,
and still am.
 
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panic in paradise said:
I am sick to death of living in this, and I will be sick with this until death...

I wouldn't wish this on anyone, why is it acceptable for me? its guaranteed to progress, and any further damage is irreversible, and progressive then aswell.

I am in absolute desperation for help, but am running out of resources. I might call the grievence council sooner then planned... This is absurd, no more negative reactions to medications, I can not take any more of this mentally or physically I have been restraining way way to long , im only human.

It seems to be a simple agitation to my family, but they would be in total shock if this hit them for a couple of minutes... my file is over whelming and fascinating to docs who dont have to be confronted with treating me...a medical calamity all documented, and they want to keep checking. But to every one else, most of that stuff is ignored, and annoying. Like im crying wolf, with a ton of paper work, ct scans mri.'s x rays cbc's etc as proof..... No
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Come over to Boston, where the good doctors are ;). We have about 2 or 3 of the top hospitals in the states. If I recall, you have an autoimmune disease, I think Mass General Hospital is the best in the states dealing with autoimmune diseases.

At any rate, no matter how hard it is to stay positive, keep fighting the good fight and at the very least give yourself a chance.
 
Boston , man , that would be amazing ...

Oh, im going to call the grievance council soon if the same continues

They are calling it a seronegative spondoapathy now there are four types, not sure yet exactly for me, they are each unique syndroms
 
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panic in paradise said:
Id drive there now if I could, or call a cab, or a cop to take me, but of i did t would just be me being weak or"freaking-out"
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That is not true at all. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're being weak in this. In fact it's the total opposite. It takes a very strong person to endure what you're going through. A weak person would've given up a long time ago. But not you. Keep on going pip.
 
PIP, I really hope you get the hope you need - and DESERVE. You deserve to be treated like a decent human being, with compassion and understanding. I hope you don't have to go far to get that, but if you do, surely someone out there will be able to help you (perhaps Boston like J&H suggested). This is your life, nothing is more important - not what your relatives think, not anything. And you are most certainly not being weak, I can't imagine living in so much pain as you do every minute of every day.

Please stay strong. I have faith that you will get the help you need soon. <3
 
Your not weak PIP far from it. Hell weve even been through alot of the same shit with chronic pain and various addictions and i certainly don't consider myself weak nor do many others.

Theres a time to be nice and a time to be a downright cunt if you have to be. With doctors i have chosen the latter as you only get respect from me if youve earned it and they havent. If i have to fuck them over abit to get what i need then thats that. Granted id be very happy never to see one again for the rest of my life.

Also if you go to boston we might have to hook up for abit seing as it's not that far from me.

Good luck man and don't give up.
 
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