EyeLick
Bluelighter
I do not like living this way - the stress of trying to come up with money. Homeless friend came up from AZ, telling my bf he wasn't actually hooked, he'd get a job... Came with suboxone. Then said "i'm just using til i find a job" then didn't try finding one except a couple times for a month and a half. he used up the suboxone on days he couldn't get anything. now he has "medical problem" scam with his parents where he's getting 100-400$ a week. boyfriend started only paying 1/3 of rent since friend's been up here. and then, i've gotten to the point where i'm almost out of school loan/grant money for bills & spending, which is now controlled by my aunt due to some personal irresponsibility & late fees last semester plus a family incident /my mother during a visit over christmas - i'm no longer trusted. so now as i have no spending cash, boyf so sick of there being another person with a problem - he's not going to help me when i can't afford anything - and the friend when he finally GOT work telmarketing, he LEFT EARLY his SECOND night & got fired! and boyf & friend got in this argument that since he owes me rent (but I thought it was clear i wouldn't pay anything til i got a job - sure when you NEVER TOLD us this til here a month or so, and he's putting out almost ZERO effort and! getting all this money from his parents) then he should "help me out" friend ACTUALLY said "How is that fair???" that was hilariously offensive. but anyway, this leaves me going from 3 per day to 1 per day, friend giving 1, using 3 himself per day... so at night at ten hours i'm agitated /dilated pupils/hot/getting sniffly&teary/sometimes hearburn&nausea. then i can't sleep, or at least not sleep much, been spending nights reading on the internet on my phone - in here, newspaper articles, william burroughs & other heroin-related crap, and sometimes look up random trivia. now since there's nothing to come home to, i don't want to go run around on busses & make shit wear off even faster... leading me to miss school, which i've done too much of already. i was to "quit over spring break" thought it was last week, then this week, but it's NEXT week... and how do i get to there? and i found a part time "make own schedule - call on day you want to work" job - which i'll want to go to every day when i have the time = Spring Break. Trying to figure out how to get from day to day, week to week, i don't know how i've done it without screwing people over - just my own bank accounts last year. but i have, and it seems i'm on the tail end of there, meaning i'm not going to be able to "figure out how to finance" much longer, esp considering i told roommate i'd put what he paid me last month into march rent IF he put out effort and found job. he's now putting out a good amt of effort. so as of today, he's paid off. my aunt is now going to be coming at the beginning of the month to pick up boyfriend's "half" of rent, rather than her paying check out of my school money, and then boyf gives me his portion which i spend (now this being one third, it's much harder to maintain habit monthly) there's no way! i can afford to cover the other 200 of the half if friend doesn't pay his 312... i JUST got this job i haven't started yet. friend SUPPOSEDLY was going to pay 100 to put in boyf safe to go to april rent. don't know if that happened... i can't use it anyhow, BUT i don't want to be paying all this extra money. boyfriend has threatened to move out b/c supposedly it's "so stressful" to see us buy drugs, thinking he's "holding the house together" when I* get food, am paying now 2/3 of everything, am the ear, peacemaker, secret keeper, person who explains the other side to the other person... he's also said friend goes or he goes, but now is going down to his mother's or a isit soon, will keep shit ok for a bit longer - plus he won't be here for my detox process, he doesn't want to... he's on methadone and dilaudid permanant pain meds for a shattered spine due to an accident - he's a former addict/now sometime user/binger. don't know - when i don't want to be using, seeing other people use./buy doesn't make me want to - but it does that to my boyfriend - only does it to me IF i'm using at the time & am just out of stuff. it's my own mental state that does it for me. boyfriend desparately wants me on methadone, called a treatment center referral place one night to try to get me into rehab. i tried to explain to the person on the phone i can't detox during school semester, he said, "So you want to be a heroin addict when it's convenient for you." I thought that was hilarious - never been put to me that way - 100 true - those ppl know how to box you into a corner... I laughed but the guy was not amused, at all. i'm SO against me using methadone, why would i want to get off something just to get hooked on something else that has worse and longer withdrawal? if i'm going to be free i want to be free, not stuck making it to a clinic every morning & not even getting high. i'm willing to try detoxing using suboxone tapering, but don't know how to afford that. plus, i'm told it's pointless unless you're 100 percent ready to stop. and i can't say i am, the way i get back on it so fast. i want to try detoxing "my way" one more time - 24 hours or so awake without heroin, then knock self out/or knock into blackout oblivion on mix of soma/klonopin/temazepam/xanax/valium/phenegren for the next couple days (til out of pills) then lots of immodium. but then - after getting off it bc i dont like being stuck on it, i don't like being off it, do it that night, the next, the next, and then the following week i'm back to doing it at least twice per day. i remember i did cold turkey w/o benzos at burning man, stayed off all week, but did it when i went home and "one more day' turned into.... more. and another time, i took some methadone pills at 24 hours and then more on 3rd morning... making w/d pretty bearable! then was off heroin 2 days after that - til i got money. SO! wondering if taking suboxone for a couple weeks and then getting into good work/school schedule would be the key to actually being able to stop? or at least keep it under control. i've been able to control every other drug i've done, even after binge periods. it's so bizarre to me that i even got addicted in the first place, seeing as i see myself as "immune" b/c for example, i smoke, but if i run out of smokes, i have no withdrawals from nicotine, i don't get pissed, just think it would be nice to have something to do ith my mouth! SO! what to do for a person like me? one big reason i do this is i went from a life of frantic activity - positively used anxiety, to a life of nothingness and no people from moving to a tourist town at the economic breaking point - anxiety i can't do anything with - so feel i need to make self complacent with my life... if i can get thru the withdrawals "my way" with benzos "one more time" and then get into a good work/school/saving money to do something better with - will that work? or would i need to ease myself from one to the other with suboxone While i stabilize my life? or am i just likely to go back to it and try to "maintain" all my responsibilities, as i'm not "decided" enough about this issue, and don't have enough "reasons" to quit? i feel like i really want to, tho i often do - and often try - about every 6 weeks... but then there's the part of me that's attached to it all... and then once i'm past the main w/d, i really DON'T want to be off of it...
I think thursday will be my last tramadol dose and than just fucking deal with it over the weekend and things can only get better from there. Too many drugs so little time, I have even been riding my bike like 5-7 miles a day and lifting weights [something I normally wouldnt do, just because].
), exercising more frequently, and just having better organization in my life so things don't feel/become chaotic. I'm going to start looking for a counselor or therapist or something soon too. Just to have someone I don't already know to talk to and go over things with. 
I guess I get closer everyday, but I'm still hacking stuff up. It is helpful at points to see the stuff coming up, especially if I am craving H all of a sudden. It's so frustrating that this happens! I've been running which helps clear it out a lot, but there's still more apparently. Maybe in another week? ![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Out of sheer coincidence, it actually did end up being the hottest day of summer. I really thought I was either going to melt or burst into flames.
