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Heroin/Opioid Thread - Serious Discussion Only

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So lately I had been doing really badly. I hadn't relapsed since December, but I was getting very close lately to buying OxyContin. Thankfully I didn't and my state of mind is starting to get a little more positive. I just got a new job that I can't take off for withdrawals or fuck it up in other ways. The only way I can get heroin would be to get several hundred dollars' worth minimum probably, so that prevents me from relapsing with that. As tempting as that is, I know if I got that much I'd be on another big heroin run for sure with that amount, and I'd have to deal with sickness. I'm happy it's hard for me to find a small amount of heroin or other opiates easily.
 
(I posted this in another thread but I just thought I'd do it here too seeing as how I have posts in this very thread from months ago where I was still using. Time to check in :) )

First time I got clean from heroin, I lasted exactly 9 months...weird.

Few months after that I got clean again and here I am now...10 months later and still clean :)

I actually held a bottle of percs today too and put them back where I found them. I never used to be able to do that. I'm still kind of in shock that I didn't take any.

It was like for the first time ever I actually thought the whole process through...how I would hate myself during the high and even more so afterwards. Probably end up using all over again just to deal with the fact. Lose everything I've gained and rebuilt since my last relapse...people I love and who trust me.

Not worth it one bit....took having to learn that the hard way in the past to realize it though.
 
FUCK!!! Made it 10 days, then relapsed. Thought it was going to be a small lapse, but it turned into a 5 day binge. 8)

I hate this part. Just finished my last bag a few hours ago. Now I have to worry about getting back on sub and figuring out where my dose is now since my tolerance would have gone up a bit. It's easy to drop back down, but the first few days are always weird.

My LUNGS ARE KILLING ME. Ughh! KC and a few others have this problem, and I can't believe how many times I've gone through this. I get wheezy and all this chest congestion that I end up coughing up for about 2 weeks after a binge. It's awful, it's disgusting, and it makes me feel shitty. :( Every time I go through it, I vow it's the last time I ever will, but here I am again.:!

Everytime I WD I say how I never ever want to go through this again, but it ends up happening. 8)


I'm really getting scared here. I was scared that I'd never get off of dope when I was 19/20, but that was before I knew of suboxone and this was earlier on in my addiction.

I was scared then because I didn't know what was available and what could be done. I didn't know what WDs were really like or what the PAWS were like.

I am now scared because I know what is available. I know what subxone does, I know what an intensive outpatient group is like, I know what WDs are like, and with all this information and experience, I still have no idea how to stop using drugs. I'm going to have to make some drastic changes if I'm going to clean up.

If I can't stop, I'm almost thinking of telling my parents and seeing about going to rehab. :( This would be thoroughly embarassing and be very damaging to the relationship between my parents and I.


I don't know, I'm just venting really. I do feel genuinely scared about this though. I never imagined I'd still be stuck with this shit at 24. 8)
 
^^^
Sorry to hear about your troubles man. What triggers you to want to use? Is it just a momentary lapse of judgement or do you find yourself thinking about heroin a lot, even when you are on suboxone?

I can sort of relate to the lack of self control, but I've made getting a high into a full time job for the past 18 months with poppies. I binge until I'm not feeling high anymore, then I usually taper down for a couple of days only to repeat the process. I've noticed that I tend to feel very lethargic and depressed when I'm binging (particularly at the end of a binge) but I start to feel so much better after I spend some time tapering. Within just a couple of days I get some energy back and start doing more productive things.

A lot of times I think to myself that I *could* quit if I just kept on tapering, but I just constantly give in to the craving to get high. After some time spent sober it's always in the back of my mind that I'll be able to get high again now that my tolerance has lowered a bit. Even though rationally I realize that I'm just going to end up feeling shitty again if I take a large dose, but my self control is pretty weak. I always tell myself that if I really wanted to quit, I could do it. It was all fun and games for a while because I knew that getting over the addiction would be a struggle, but possible. Now sometimes I worry because I get unbelievable cravings sometimes, and I never used to get them so bad.
 
I don't know what my problem is. I guess it would be those momentary lapses. They've gotten harder and harder to ignore over the years. The cravings come on stronger and it's like I can't rationalize anything else if I'm craving it.

Problem is that I usually start craving it when there's a faint realization that I have time and money to do so and that I'm in an opportunity where I most likely could score somewhat easily. That's not always the way it works out, but a lot of times. I'm sure you're well aware of the problem-solving nature of the addict? One roadblock comes up and you hurdle through it so long as in the end you get high.


I keep tapering down pretty low on suboxone where it feels like I could be off of it and not on any opiates in a few days time. Then all of a sudden I'm driving towards the city with an iron determination to grab some bags. It's only gotten worse since I've started shooting it too. 8)
 
longtime lurker....anyways.. reading through the struggles of the community at large is giving me some sense of hope that maybe this time I can actually kick my habit and get on with my life.. I am so lucky to have a job, and to not be dead. For the last 4? years (yeah 4 is right) my life has been a series of binges,lapses, maintenance opiate usage has been a triumph (in the sense that if I can limit my intake to simply not get sick, and not ramp up my dosage im doing alright) currently coming off of a heavy I.v. oxy/hydromorph bender of about about 2 months after being sober from opiates for 4 months. dosages got to about 16mg hydro per shot, or 100mg oxy.. got off the spike a week ago, just been eating/snorting oc at about 80mg a day to stay straight and not lose my job. went cold turkey for 3days when i had a long weekend, but used about 150mg in a day when i got back to reality (had to go to work, couldnt show up in full blown wd)... just sharing.. namaste
 
at least 4 distinct times in these 4 years i have went through wd and gotten off of dope, sometimes for months on end. and i always fall back into it... i am so scared of wd's. the feeling is real even as i sit here on 40mg of oxy. any advice on how to minimize the symptoms, keeping in mind that medical intervention is not possible. and i cannot lose my job, as i have to support my daughter. this is problematic because I never get more than 2 days off in row, except for very rare occasions. any ideas on how to become functional in 48hours? maybe start going into wd just as i get my two days? i purchased an ounce of kratom as i read that it can make wd's tolerable and leave one functioning while getting off opiates.. love to all my struggling human beings...
 
Carl Landrover said:
I don't know what my problem is. I guess it would be those momentary lapses. They've gotten harder and harder to ignore over the years. The cravings come on stronger and it's like I can't rationalize anything else if I'm craving it.

Problem is that I usually start craving it when there's a faint realization that I have time and money to do so and that I'm in an opportunity where I most likely could score somewhat easily. That's not always the way it works out, but a lot of times. I'm sure you're well aware of the problem-solving nature of the addict? One roadblock comes up and you hurdle through it so long as in the end you get high.


I keep tapering down pretty low on suboxone where it feels like I could be off of it and not on any opiates in a few days time. Then all of a sudden I'm driving towards the city with an iron determination to grab some bags. It's only gotten worse since I've started shooting it too. 8)
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I think that it all is really a matter of self control, you can tell yourself no and ignore the cravings and eventually they will go away. Once you get into the "habit" of giving in to those cravings it gets very difficult to tell yourself no. That seems to be where my problem lies - I never really forced myself to have any self control with my opiate abuse, even from day one. I rationalized that I was in pain so I didn't care if I got hooked - it was inevitable. And then once I got hooked, there was absolutely no guilt in using. "Well, I'm already addicted so I might as well get high today" was my sort of mindset. For a long time there really was little thought put into it, I just spent my time trying to get high as frequently and intensely as possible. The longer I've indulged in this, the more difficult it is to force myself to stop. A lot of times I find myself not getting high at all and the only logical thing to do is taper/quit to reduce tolerance. But sometimes (especially lately) I really have to battle with myself to take just what I need to taper, I've become so good at convincing myself to make it worth my while and try to get high that it's scary.

Once you break out of the cycle, I would tend to think that the cravings would occur less frequently and would be much easier to ignore. I think that the more you let yourself get away with it and rationalize it, the easier it is to just cave in and use.
 
used to be subs most of time and a little dope now its more dope than subs ............uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
 
I keep tapering down pretty low on suboxone where it feels like I could be off of it and not on any opiates in a few days time. Then all of a sudden I'm driving towards the city with an iron determination to grab some bags. It's only gotten worse since I've started shooting it too.
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Fuck I have thought about this at least 3-5 times a day in the last week [or should I say years] but I have been off bupe for a handful of days and I actually feel pretty good. Worried about using benzos to help with the w/d [achy, feel ok, repeat, ugh]. It seems like I always need something... a puff of herb, a stiff drink, a pill, a shot, a fuck. I romanticize heroin too much and thats a huge problem for me, you think I wouldn't like the thought of dirty ghetto scores, nope it actually makes something in me feel good, sick.

I have almost been planing that in a month or so when I am clean to just score a couple bags sit back and remember that habitual ritual. I dont know whats holding me back I have been thru hell in back, courts, jails, rehabs, psych wards, streets, mansions, $, multiple addictions, deaths, etc. nothing works. I do have god in my life but fuck man I dont know. Sometimes I really contemplate just saying FUCK IT ALL and doing what makes me feel happy. I have dealt with this benzo w/d for over a fucking year now, wrecked me, now kickin 8yr bupe habit and sometimes I just have to focus on tomorrow and not let my thoughts get carried away.

Honestly if I had a few bags and a fresh needle in front of me, I dont know what I would do and that is sad.

Peace,
Seedless
 
Well I know what I would do now, just as I formed the plan along time ago. I got smacked.

Not to worried about it although I probably should be. I just hope I didnt set w/d's back from the sub. and now sometimes I question what am I doing? I am happy using, shit I have used almost half my life, when I have been sober err. clean Im not happy. I suppose I am not giving it a long enough shot. So why not use and be happy. I hate drugs [opiates in particular] but at the same time I love them like pig-tails, tits, and reefer. fuck.

peace,
seedless
 
Becareful man, you know as well as anyone those relapses start out small and simple, but it turns big quick.

The first time back can be like you described and you wonder why you stayed away so long, I mean you do like that feeling. Using a few more times should bring back some of the things you didn't like and the bullshit that comes with copping and the scene in general. 8)

I think the most memorable WD story I've ever read was yours where you got arrested after copping(? I think) and threw some bags under your car tire. You WD hardcore in jail and then luckily found those bags when you got out. That story always stuck with me for some reason.


I really hope this doesn't turn into a big relapse for you. I've been kicking myself for the last 2 years after a relapse where I had close to 18 months away from H. It all started again with those 2 bags and I can't get away from it again. 8) :\
 
Ugg I feel yall I am about to relapse here in the next hour. I have been clean since december 15. I dunno its like what they said in rehab the first few months Im on a pink cloud of sobriety everything is great then its just like one day Im like fuck this im gettin high. So I stopped the subs and now I am in withdrawl waitin on my fuckin dealer. What a fuckin life huh?
 
bleh! i't's been like 27 hours without dope. i've been trying to get off it for years now. Just too many wasted years of my youth waking up dopesick every day. i took a suboxone around noon but can't sleep for ANYTHING. i really hope i get through this this time. i never seem to last more than a day and a half without giving up. =/ just weak minded i guess.
 
^
Are you trying to switch to suboxone or just get off everything?

It's very, very difficult to go cold turkey. I mean, you're essentially torturing yourself for 3-5 days and then it's not like you're out of the water. Plus, it's soo easy to get right back on even if you make it through those few days of hell.

It makes it all the more harder to go from being used to being comfortable and pain-free to terribly sick and uncomfortable.
 
It took all day but I read through this entire thread. I wish the world could understand we hate being what we are and if we had a choice it wouldn't be like this. I have a drug problem. I am addicted to opiates. If I do not have them I go through horrible withdrawal that comes with depression and anxiety that is bad enough that suicide seems like an option. But I am not a fucking junkie.
 
I stopped cold turkey off a 4 month, 2.5-3g daily tar habit( I don't have the discipline for tapering), I'm on day three and actually feeling pretty OK. Unfortunately, while looking for some Imodium last night (day 2 of WD) I came across 9 5mg vicodins, a stash of mine from years ago I believe, what shitty luck? So I downed them all, and felt some slight relief and major guilt. I'm wondering how much this will hold my detox back, I mean 45mg of Vicodin is nothing compared to a gram of tar. Could I be feeling better today because of my slip-up yesterday?

Thanks for reading and good luck to you all.
 
ErikTheRed said:
I stopped cold turkey off a 4 month, 2.5-3g daily tar habit( I don't have the discipline for tapering), I'm on day three and actually feeling pretty OK. Unfortunately, while looking for some Imodium last night (day 2 of WD) I came across 9 5mg vicodins, a stash of mine from years ago I believe, what shitty luck? So I downed them all, and felt some slight relief and major guilt. I'm wondering how much this will hold my detox back, I mean 45mg of Vicodin is nothing compared to a gram of tar. Could I be feeling better today because of my slip-up yesterday?

Thanks for reading and good luck to you all.
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It might have helped you a little and it might make the WD last a little longer, but it's anyones guess really. A lot of people ask those type of questions and there are usually so many different variables that it's hard to predict. Tomorrow would only be your 4th day away from tar, so you'd probably be still feeling crappy anyways, so I don't think the vicodin would have set you back too much. A day at most, but it probably wouldn't be AS bad of a WD day as the previous.


Today is day 12 since I last used dope. I'm on suboxone, but feeling pretty good. This is the longest away I've had since January, so it's a start. :) Trying to work on getting a more normalized routine and trying to start setting things up so it's harder to fall back into using. Doing this by setting up more of a support network (my good friend just came back from India =D), exercising more frequently, and just having better organization in my life so things don't feel/become chaotic. I'm going to start looking for a counselor or therapist or something soon too. Just to have someone I don't already know to talk to and go over things with.

I hate to think I'm going to have to get off suboxone again. Definitely not looking forward to that. I'm just trying to gain more time away from using before I make any attempt to get off sub.

My lungs still aren't cleared out though! :! I guess I get closer everyday, but I'm still hacking stuff up. It is helpful at points to see the stuff coming up, especially if I am craving H all of a sudden. It's so frustrating that this happens! I've been running which helps clear it out a lot, but there's still more apparently. Maybe in another week? :\
 
bagochina said:
Well I know what I would do now, just as I formed the plan along time ago. I got smacked.

Not to worried about it although I probably should be. I just hope I didnt set w/d's back from the sub. and now sometimes I question what am I doing? I am happy using, shit I have used almost half my life, when I have been sober err. clean Im not happy. I suppose I am not giving it a long enough shot. So why not use and be happy. I hate drugs [opiates in particular] but at the same time I love them like pig-tails, tits, and reefer. fuck.

peace,
seedless
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Thats kinda like how i feel. Im 28 now and ive been using one drug or another since i was 12. Spending the day sober is nerve racking for me at this point. Im just not used to it. And if i don't have drugs sex or driving my ATV at very dangerous and insane speeds will help. Fucked up ain't it? It's almost like i can't just be normal i have to be always doing something fun or i feel like im going nuts.

I really should have knocked off with the whole drug thing when i first quit drinking but once chronic pain developed i went head first into opiates. Fucked up thing is i had been using opiates for years on and off with no problems until i got chronic pain then addiction hit within 6 months.

Flash foreward to this year and i was injecting dilaudid and morphine up to 6 times a day or more. Oddly enough ive had much heavier habits before i touched the needle but for a guy that was scared of needles i sure took to them pretty fast. I started to develop that needle fixation pretty quick and it was almost as good as the drug for me. Shooting clonidine with dilaudid and morphine what a fucking twat i am 8)

I havent shot up for 3 weeks or so now and i just threw out the ones i had left. Hopefully that is one habit i can leave behind before the damage is done.
 
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