Heroin/Opioid Thread - Serious Discussion Only

[Ashley26]

the crazy part of all of this: I'm a substance abuse counselor.

ah, the life of irony.

 

[Carl Landrover]

^
I'm sure it's the same for a lot of people (with having a love/hate relationship).

I've missed so many opportunities, put myself in poor health, and have blown thousands of dollars because of opiates, I hate that.

On the other hand, I love the high. I love the excitement of copping, love when you have the drugs in hand, love the ritual, love the nod, just fucking love it. It's not really worth it though. I hope there's a point where I realize that.

 

[Ashley26]

my goal for tomorrow is to not use. I really want to leave at least 24-48 hours between doses. doesn't that help keep your tolerance a little more under control?

 

[Ashley26]

I don't think I would ever stop using opiates if there were no physical withdrawal symptoms. imagine that?

 

[bagochina]

If you never stop there will be no physical w/d's as long as you dose early enough. Unfortunately I have been doing it for half my life. The physical w/d part is only a small part of the early equation Ashley.

Just curious what does your counseling job entail, what kind of facility do you work at? Do you enjoy it? Did you get certifications/school?

Peace,
Seedless

 

[QuasiStoned]

my goal for tomorrow is to not use. I really want to leave at least 24-48 hours between doses. doesn't that help keep your tolerance a little more under control?

Sure, but who has the control to endure withdrawals for 24 - 48 hours in between doses? It's easy to tell yourself that is what you'll do, but in reality you'll get sick of withdrawal and probably use daily.

 

[opiate_hug]

oxycodone was fun at first but now it sucks. i got to take them just to feel normal

 

[Ashley26]

Sure, but who has the control to endure withdrawals for 24 - 48 hours in between doses? It's easy to tell yourself that is what you'll do, but in reality you'll get sick of withdrawal and probably use daily.

well here's to hoping

 

[Miss Hollywood]

Used again last night. It wasn't as big of a binge as last weekend but....used again.

I feel myself just not giving a shit anymore. Between mental illness, my stuggles with drug addiction and Hep C, I just want to not feel anything anymore and heroin has been helping do just that lately.

My dealers are already callin me off the hook. They don't realize that since I don't have a car, I can't get down to that part of the neighborhood that often anymore. It's a mission now....a subway and a bus ride.Takes a few hours to go and cop...and that doesn't even count the amount of time it takes for me to get the money to go score.

I plan on hustling up money this weekend again for more.

I know....I know...I know....this is so bad.

I just have been doin shot after shot....not giving a shit if it was the last one I ever took.

My doctor has me on Seroquel and it hasn't done shit except make me wobbly and not able to speak properly.

I'm sick of doctors.

I'm sick of everything really....people....the place I live...my parents.

I just want to give up so badly.

I really don't see myself living till 30. I'll be 27 this year.

If I'm in this much misery at 26, how am I gonna feel at 30 or 40?

I've been hiding my use from everybody pretty much. My arms are pretty bruised up from using...but they aren't the worst they've been. Before I quit a year ago, I was running out of places to shoot up. I was about to start in my neck.

I'm drinkin a bit tonight to try not to think about dope. My dealer has been calling me and I have no money or ride to go score. So, the plan is to get drunk enough to pass out and not think about it until the weekend.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

^What are you on Seroquel for? I take that for sleep and it knocks me the fuck out. There's no way I could take it and be functional.

I'm throwing in the towel. I haven't been posting on BL lately because I've felt so hopeless and out of control... my use has been going up and up and I'm spending $200 a day on meth and heroin... using a gram of each a day... and if I don't get a hit of H every six hours I'm in WD. I can't handle school and I can't even really handle work. I'm hanging on by my amazing regular and that's really it.
So last week the only real friend I have right now--who isn't using me for $, on drugs, or just crazy-- sat me down and told me I have to get help because I am just going further and further downhill.

So I'm asking my mom to come home and help me get clean. I really want to turn my life around and get back on track. I don't want to waste anymore of it selling my company for money, using so I don't have to feel anything, feeling lonely and unfulfilled. I feel like I've had some kind of epiphany.

I just know this is all easier said than done, and I'm really hoping that my mum will let me come home and help me because I remember how much of a living hell getting off H is, I can't do it alone.

 

[Miss Hollywood]

^What are you on Seroquel for? I take that for sleep and it knocks me the fuck out. There's no way I could take it and be functional.

I'm throwing in the towel. I haven't been posting on BL lately because I've felt so hopeless and out of control... my use has been going up and up and I'm spending $200 a day on meth and heroin... using a gram of each a day... and if I don't get a hit of H every six hours I'm in WD. I can't handle school and I can't even really handle work. I'm hanging on by my amazing regular and that's really it.
So last week the only real friend I have right now--who isn't using me for $, on drugs, or just crazy-- sat me down and told me I have to get help because I am just going further and further downhill.

So I'm asking my mom to come home and help me get clean. I really want to turn my life around and get back on track. I don't want to waste anymore of it selling my company for money, using so I don't have to feel anything, feeling lonely and unfulfilled. I feel like I've had some kind of epiphany.

I just know this is all easier said than done, and I'm really hoping that my mum will let me come home and help me because I remember how much of a living hell getting off H is, I can't do it alone.

Hey Mia,

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been doing well either. I started on Seroquel because I have had untreated rapid cycling bi-polar disorder with horrible anxiety. I used heroin and other drugs for years as self medication, and since i've been off heroin and pretty much everything else(including suboxone, which I was on for a year) my anxiety and irritability has gone through the roof. It's to the point that I've alienated all my friends and family because I'm always flipping out about the smallest things and being pissed off constantly. I just started treatment for my bi-polar disorder, and I'm not too thrilled with my doctor so far. I seen her today and since the Seroquel didn't go so well, she prescribed me this stuff called Geodon. So I'm gonna give that a shot but I doubt that this shit will work. I've tried SSRI's in the past and they didn't do shit either...they helped at first and then just made me feel like a shell of a person. *sigh*

I really need my doctor to prescribe me a low miligram of a benzo, even if it's just temporary to help relieve this anxiety but she refuses because of my "history of addiction" even tho I told her I've been clean for a year. So, my mother is going to try to get some for me by going to our family doctor and telling him she's been having panic attacks....which isn't too far from the truth...being around me these days would stress anybody out.

My anxiety and irritation is so bad that I feel it from the moment I wake up in the morning until I lay in bed at night to toss and turn through another sleepless night, complete with racing thoughts and horrible nightmares.

I really hope your mom lets you come back home and clean up. I was lucky my mom and stepdad let me come back home a year or so ago and clean up my act. My heroin habit was completely out of control. I was on the suboxone for a year, and I've been off of it for almost 3 months now and between the anxiety, depression, mania...the cravings for heroin have become unbearable. I have used several times in the past week. I feel so awful about it. I even lied to my mother today and told her she was takin me to get "pills to help with my anxiety" when I really went and copped a bag of heroin. I feel so guilty about it but then again, I just needed the fucking relief. After going to the doctor and her dicking me around and being a bitch, I just needed that "silence of that high" if you know what I mean.

I'm not really sure if I believe in god...but I'm to the point I'm on my hands and knees just praying to get the help I need. I can't keep going on like this...

I really wish you the best Mia. Try to come around more often! I really enjoy your posts and miss reading them! Try to keep your head up girl! *hugs*

 

[Carl Landrover]

^
Do you exercise at all Miss Hollywood?

That's the only way I can get rid of my anxiety. It sounds like you have more anxiety issues and to a greater degree than I do, but lately I've just been forcing myself to go out for a run, especially if I'm feeling anxious.

It's annoying when you already feel anxious because then I feel anxious about going on the run as well. It's worth it though because I always feel sooooo much better when I'm done. I feel fresh and alive, content and relaxed. It gets rid of my anxiety and puts me in a better mood. Plus, my legs feel stronger, my lungs feel better (heroin has been messing them up big time 8)), I feel more confident, and it gives a great feeling of accomplishment. I could sit around all day, go for a run, do nothing else, and I'd still feel like it was a productive day. :D Running is the only way I know how to feel good without doing drugs. It makes me feel actual contentment


Even if you're not into exercising, I'd really recommend giving it a try. A lot of the positives that come with exercising seem like they'd benefit you. Good luck, Miss!

 

[theotherside]

I had gotten my opiate use down to exactly what I'm prescribed...30mg's hydrocodone/2 morphine IR's 30mg and was doing this for over 2 months with no problems. Then 3 days ago I answered my cell even though I didn't recognize the number...bad mistake. One of my old "friends" has some OC's for sale...at least 20 a month... and of course I told myself I would get 2 just to have a good weekend because of course I deserve it...now I'm back at work and of course my hydrocodone/morphine isn't cutting it..here we go again

 

[Vladimir777]

I'll agree with Carl here. If I'm craving drugs or in a generally bad mood, exercising definitely helps get me back on track. It's really rough to find the motivation to do it, but once you're done, you will have your mind back on a good track.

 

[paranoid android]

Since i moved to a new city i can't find a family doctor only walk in clinics. Since walk in clinics don't script opiates ive been buying whatever i can off the street. Usually kadian. Since it's so expensive to buy off the street i have to inject the stuff or ill have to spend way more money.

I even tried getting on methadone because atleast id have a daily suppply of opiates. But since i have a out of province health card i can't. So i have to wait to see the one family doctor i could get ahold of and the appointment is in late march.

This sucks because ive had withdrawals and pain and my g/f get's all upset when im like that

 

[theotherside]

^^^Yeah I used to be prescribed those kadians and those balls always got on my nerves. The walk in clinics here in the US almost always give opiates, just not schedule 2.

 

[Miss Hollywood]

^
Do you exercise at all Miss Hollywood?

That's the only way I can get rid of my anxiety. It sounds like you have more anxiety issues and to a greater degree than I do, but lately I've just been forcing myself to go out for a run, especially if I'm feeling anxious.

It's annoying when you already feel anxious because then I feel anxious about going on the run as well. It's worth it though because I always feel sooooo much better when I'm done. I feel fresh and alive, content and relaxed. Running is the only way I know how to achieve those feelings without doing drugs.


Even if you're not into exercising, I'd really recommend giving it a try. A lot of the positives that come with exercising seem like they'd benefit you. Good luck, Miss!

I exercise occasionally. I've always been a really lazy person, having depression makes this even worse as well as the Hep C. Since having Hep C, I have lots of body, joint and muscle aches. It just completely drains you of all your energy...you just feel exhausted all the time. I feel drained and exhausted all the time but I can never really sleep well or much at all because of my anxiety. I mean my anxiety is so bad that the SECOND I wake up in the morning i'm PISSED OFF. It's gotten to the point nobody wants to be around me and I can't say a blame them. I also have asthma so any exercise for extended periods of time gets me really winded and I have to use my inhaler.

I hate to say it, but opiates and benzos have been the only thing that has ever helped me with my depression and anxiety. And as of now, I'm not on either of them....well, not constantly anyways. I have slipped with the heroin a few times this week, and I've been eating any benzos I can get my hands on. I just wish my dumb ass doctor would give me a script for Ativan or Kpin...even just .5 mg. I'm going out of my mind with this anxiety....and it's been worse because this week my father was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning(he's pretty much dying because he's spent the past few decades drinking himself to death literally). My father and my relationship, or lack-thereof, is a whole other story. Bottom line is I'm just starting my treatment for my bi-polar disorder and there is a lot going on in my life right now...I just could really use something to help with the anxiety, even if it's only temporary while I'm adjusting to the Anti-psychotics they have me on(Seroquel didn't work, so now she's shoving Geodon at me). I'm not trying to get benzos to abuse them, because I never abused them in the past when I was able to obtain them illegally.

I really want to get on with my life and get a job and start dealing with my issues but I can't even get through the day right now without my anxiety making me flip out, how the hell can I even hold down a job? I need to get stablized on my meds before I can even attempt to work again. Being broke is something I'm really sick of too. I haven't worked in over a year....because I've been battling heroin addiction.

I'm at the end of my rope. It was such a huge mistake to tell my doctor about my problems with drugs. Dumb ass move. I thought being honest is what your supposed to do when u go to the doc, but apparently not. Cuz now the bitch won't give me shit that will actually help me.

 

[Carl Landrover]

Since i moved to a new city i can't find a family doctor only walk in clinics. Since walk in clinics don't script opiates ive been buying whatever i can off the street. Usually kadian. Since it's so expensive to buy off the street i have to inject the stuff or ill have to spend way more money.

I even tried getting on methadone because atleast id have a daily suppply of opiates. But since i have a out of province health card i can't. So i have to wait to see the one family doctor i could get ahold of and the appointment is in late march.

This sucks because ive had withdrawals and pain and my g/f get's all upset when im like that

That's rough, sorry to read that man. I don't know enough about your city or about the Canadian health system to give any suggestions. Hope something comes through for you. Good luck, stay strong!

Can you get a health card from the province you're in so you can get on methadone?

 

[paranoid android]

That's rough, sorry to read that man. I don't know enough about your city or about the Canadian health system to give any suggestions. Hope something comes through for you. Good luck, stay strong!

Can you get a health card from the province you're in so you can get on methadone?

I have to wait a few months to get a health card in this province i think. My health card from my old province is supposed to be good for 3 months but for some reason alot of clinics don't accept it because it takes awile for them to get the money.

I have legit chronic pain condition called trigeminal neuralgia so i need strong opiates. I used to get prescribed 120mg's of mscontin a day and dilaudid 4's for breakthrough pain. But i have to buy morphine or whateever opiate i can get off the streets now which sucks ass

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Hey Mia,

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been doing well either. I started on Seroquel because I have had untreated rapid cycling bi-polar disorder with horrible anxiety. I used heroin and other drugs for years as self medication, and since i've been off heroin and pretty much everything else(including suboxone, which I was on for a year) my anxiety and irritability has gone through the roof. It's to the point that I've alienated all my friends and family because I'm always flipping out about the smallest things and being pissed off constantly. I just started treatment for my bi-polar disorder, and I'm not too thrilled with my doctor so far. I seen her today and since the Seroquel didn't go so well, she prescribed me this stuff called Geodon. So I'm gonna give that a shot but I doubt that this shit will work. I've tried SSRI's in the past and they didn't do shit either...they helped at first and then just made me feel like a shell of a person. *sigh*

I really need my doctor to prescribe me a low miligram of a benzo, even if it's just temporary to help relieve this anxiety but she refuses because of my "history of addiction" even tho I told her I've been clean for a year. So, my mother is going to try to get some for me by going to our family doctor and telling him she's been having panic attacks....which isn't too far from the truth...being around me these days would stress anybody out.

My anxiety and irritation is so bad that I feel it from the moment I wake up in the morning until I lay in bed at night to toss and turn through another sleepless night, complete with racing thoughts and horrible nightmares.

I really hope your mom lets you come back home and clean up. I was lucky my mom and stepdad let me come back home a year or so ago and clean up my act. My heroin habit was completely out of control. I was on the suboxone for a year, and I've been off of it for almost 3 months now and between the anxiety, depression, mania...the cravings for heroin have become unbearable. I have used several times in the past week. I feel so awful about it. I even lied to my mother today and told her she was takin me to get "pills to help with my anxiety" when I really went and copped a bag of heroin. I feel so guilty about it but then again, I just needed the fucking relief. After going to the doctor and her dicking me around and being a bitch, I just needed that "silence of that high" if you know what I mean.

I'm not really sure if I believe in god...but I'm to the point I'm on my hands and knees just praying to get the help I need. I can't keep going on like this...

I really wish you the best Mia. Try to come around more often! I really enjoy your posts and miss reading them! Try to keep your head up girl! *hugs*

Thank you girlie

I've been on a bunch of SSRIs too (about five different ones) and they've never helped me deal with me anxiety/depression/eating disorder. The only medication that has ever helped me deal with anything has been the ones I've prescribed myself (meth and heroin... that help but simultaneously destroy me).

I know exactly what you mean about the "silent high..." I've been so depressed the last six months that heroin has been the only thing stopping me from killing myself. Whenever I feel like I just can't take it anymore I smoke a few balloons and lie down and its like the whole world and all its problems disappear.

I contacted my mom and I'm having dinner with her tomorrow... we'll see how that goes. I told her I really need to let me come home because I don't have the strength to not use on my own-- I need someone to be watching over me. It's weird because my whole life I've wanted to punch her when she goes crazy asking me where I'm going or what I'm doing, but right now that's what I need to force myself not to go and score when I can't take it anymore. And until I find another job, the only thing I can do to support myself is strip, and there's no way I can do that sober. But I have a feeling she's going to say no.

Did suboxone work for you? I've been debating between methadone and suboxone but I think I'm gonna go with suboxone because I can't deal with having to go to a clinic everyday, and from what I've heard it seems to be easier to come off of.

If I do end up going home I'll probably be on a lot more because I'll be going stir crazy and I'll have the internet again. I hope your weekend gets better, PM me if you ever want to talk.