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Cocaine doing coke alone

jessepinkman779 said:
My tolerance is increasing quickly. So I know I'll need more soon.
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I don't want to say the wrong thing here.

I've been not replying to this thread out of fear of making it worse.

Maybe someone else has the right words.

I believe mine are on previous pages.

Good luck, genuinely.
 
streaM Freak said:
It sounded like there was a time where your health and family meant something to you. Has that changed?
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I'm not so worried about my health anymore. A friend of mine recently passed away from lung cancer at 48 years old. That just made me think I'm going to enjoy my life because I never know what's around the corner for me. My family mean the world to me though. I just can't seem to stop. Losing my friend to cancer so young has made me dig my heals in with the coke if anything. He never took a drug in his life aside from smoking cigarettes, never drank alcohol. It's scared me to be honest. I keep thinking what if I get cancer young, so I do more coke to forget about things. I know, its ridiculous and pathetic to be honest.

My mom has Alzheimer's so my time with her is limited and if love that time to be clean time to make some more memories. Her symptoms are getting much worse recently though. Add to that my mental health problems and life is pretty shit if I'm honest. It's like the coke is the only thing keeping me going. I just don't know how I'm going to stop doing coke I really wish I had a solid plan and more willpower. I'm hardly eating, so I'm losing a fair bit of weight, I'm hardly sleeping so that's messing with my head, I'm smashing diazepam when I do want to sleep. My life is just chaos. I'm seeing my new drug worker tomorrow and she wants me back in rehab.
 
Oh, I found a lump in my chest a couple weeks ago too and I'm experiencing pain in my armpits on the same side. So, I've convinced myself I've got breast cancer. I'm too scared to even go to the doctors. I think I'd rather not know. I just do more coke and bury my head in the sand. I watched my friend go through 2 years of treatment and all it did was make him extremely unwell for his final 2 years. I'm worried about this lump in my chest but if it turned out to be the worst and it wasnt curable I'd rather just not know and enjoy my life in ignorance. If I ever did get a bad diagnosis I'd just smash coke and heroin until my time came and I've never touched heroin I was addicted to codiene though. Life is a bitch at the moment and shit just keeps getting worse.
 
@jessepinkman779 I feel that, when I felt like I had not much to lose I had a similar mindset. You have lots of people on your side you know, those who helped you in the hospital, your drug counselor, people here on Bluelight.

I don't want to make you feel bad or remind you of bad things of make you feel guilty, so I've said my things on earlier pages about how I don't believe people in the drug world are treating you kindly.

I guess when that time to think about everyone who cares for you time is right it's right. But something is on your side otherwise you'd been dead by now. A change in mindset can literally flip things upside down (for better and worse both). Not instantly, but ultimately.

The last missing piece of the puzzle is to believe in yourself ❤️
 
streaM Freak said:
@jessepinkman779 I feel that, when I felt like I had not much to lose I had a similar mindset. You have lots of people on your side you know, those who helped you in the hospital, your drug counselor, people here on Bluelight.

I don't want to make you feel bad or remind you of bad things of make you feel guilty, so I've said my things on earlier pages about how I don't believe people in the drug world are treating you kindly.

I guess when that time to think about everyone who cares for you time is right it's right. But something is on your side otherwise you'd been dead by now. A change in mindset can literally flip things upside down (for better and worse both). Not instantly, but ultimately.

The last missing piece of the puzzle is to believe in yourself ❤️
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Thank you very much. I've spoken to my drug counsellor today and asked to be put into rehab again. Then, once I get out I really need to move areas. I can't live in my hometown or associate with certain people who I see on a regular basis. My drug worker had a doctor with her today who checked my blood pressure and said it was textbook perfect, but that's not an excuse to keep taking coke. She said I'm in the age group for a heart attack as it is so I'm risking heart attack, stroke etc by doing coke. She said the amount I'm using is concerning and, as a doctor she's genuinely concerned for me because I'm playing with fire. And I'm using diazepam to comedown off the coke so mixing uppers and downers. Anyway, they're getting me a place in rehab and I'll be there for 90 days at least. She did say rehab isn't an easy fix and I'm still going to have to try hard and work hard. I've only bought half a baller instead of a baller today because they things are going I'll be in 7 grams a day unless I cut it down right now. I asked my dealer to drop it off later than the usual 2pm today so he came at 6pm. Meaning the half a baller will last just long enough for me to take diazepam and actually get to bed at a decent time.

Apparently it costs my local drug and alcohol services 30k for 1 person to go into rehab for 90 days, but I'm in a position to cover the cost myself so someone else who hasn't got the money gets to go free of charge.

Thank you to everyone on here for all your help and support. I'm truly very grateful.
 
jessepinkman779 said:
Oh, I found a lump in my chest a couple weeks ago too and I'm experiencing pain in my armpits on the same side. So, I've convinced myself I've got breast cancer. I'm too scared to even go to the doctors. I think I'd rather not know. I just do more coke and bury my head in the sand. I watched my friend go through 2 years of treatment and all it did was make him extremely unwell for his final 2 years. I'm worried about this lump in my chest but if it turned out to be the worst and it wasnt curable I'd rather just not know and enjoy my life in ignorance. If I ever did get a bad diagnosis I'd just smash coke and heroin until my time came and I've never touched heroin I was addicted to codiene though. Life is a bitch at the moment and shit just keeps getting worse.
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Gaaah that's harsh, that would have me worried too. Well I guess you aren't really ^^

jessepinkman779 said:
Anyway, they're getting me a place in rehab and I'll be there for 90 days at least.
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Bravo for keeping on trying despite everything! In life it doesn't matter if you ''succeed'' (whatever that means), just keep going, and don't lose hope for yourself. Keeping going/not quitting also looks like different things for different people, situations, etc. Give yourself some grace, no matter what :group hug:
 
Well, I started my Thursday session 10 minutes ago. Whilst I'm feeling confident I'm going to phone my doctors to get an appointment regarding the lump in my chest. And, if he sends me for a scan I'll do coke on that day too if that's what it takes to get the tests done.

My dealer messaged my daily at 2pm asking if I want anything, every fucking day. I just can't say no at the moment. So, I had a baller. When I go back to rehab I'm going to put everything I've got into recovery. If the lump in the chest turns out as bad news I'll just take it a day at a time. My drug worker said she's noticed my coke usage has gone up rapidly since I've come down from 12mg subutex to 1.2mg. Intact she thinks I'm deliberately coming off subutex so my coke buzz is better so she won't lower my dosage yet.
 
Man, it sounds like your dealer has some toxic hold on you. I've faced the same situation myself. I'd try to keep a bit of distance, in the most safe way possible.

Glad you're getting that lump checked out, it might turn out to be nothing to worry about. It's possible you're overplaying this because of what happened to your friend (rip). If this turns out to be benign, it will definitely lift some stress off of you, making it easier to keep your conso under control.

Best of luck
 
Most of the time if you have a check up with your doctor it is good with no alerting significant markers making it very possible that it can be very well something just benign.

A Lot of bumps present with insignificance and are not serious. There are so many bumps that just get
removed.

Stay calm, and also then just ask for pain meds. Sorry for being so serious but they can really help in times like this. Please whatever else
that you do please just use responsibly. It's important. You have to.

Good Luck. You just have to stay calm because it really helps when nothing else does. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Just try to stay as calm as possible when you have to go through all of this.

Medical procedures will help and also let them know how you feel so that they also can support you properly and the best way possible.

You are doing good so far. Keep going. And be careful with the Cane. It sounds good.

Gawd i'm sorry what you are going through. Do the best you can. Thank you for sharing that strength is possible.
 
jessepinkman779 said:
Well, I started my Thursday session 10 minutes ago. Whilst I'm feeling confident I'm going to phone my doctors to get an appointment regarding the lump in my chest. And, if he sends me for a scan I'll do coke on that day too if that's what it takes to get the tests done.

My dealer messaged my daily at 2pm asking if I want anything, every fucking day. I just can't say no at the moment. So, I had a baller. When I go back to rehab I'm going to put everything I've got into recovery. If the lump in the chest turns out as bad news I'll just take it a day at a time. My drug worker said she's noticed my coke usage has gone up rapidly since I've come down from 12mg subutex to 1.2mg. Intact she thinks I'm deliberately coming off subutex so my coke buzz is better so she won't lower my dosage yet.
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Hell yea I'm very glad you're getting the lump checked out :)

Are you actually coming off your subutex so your coke high is better? Genuinely wondering, if not that I think the withdrawal symptoms from it might make you consume more of other drugs even without noticing or consciously wanting to. I know I does that to me :Sherlock:
 
Passable_rock said:
Hell yea I'm very glad you're getting the lump checked out :)

Are you actually coming off your subutex so your coke high is better? Genuinely wondering, if not that I think the withdrawal symptoms from it might make you consume more of other drugs even without noticing or consciously wanting to. I know I does that to me :Sherlock:
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Yeah, the plan was to get off the subutex so my coke buzz isn't dulled down. I'm down from 12mg of subutex to 1.2, but they won't lower it anymore they've clocked onto why I want off the subutex. Today though my anxiety was bad, so at 12:30pm I took 30mg of diazepam, then my dealer called at 2pm and I was sniffing shortly after that with 30mg of diazepam in my system. I've felt great though. I'm going to have to use the coke as a tool to give me the confidence and strength to get this lump checked out. So, I'll have a bit before I see my GP and no doubt he/She will send me for a scan. So, I'll have a few lines just before I go for the scan too. I know that's insane, but it's the only way I can cope with the worry and stress and have the confidence to go for tests.

Coke is both my best friend and worse enemy at the same time. Maybe if I get the all clear with this lump it might just be the health scare I need to wake me up.

My brother said there's no point me going to rehab for 90 days because I'll get straight back on it when I come out, but I really want to put the work in whilst I'm in rehab this time.

My dealer only calls daily at around 2pm ISH because I told him a while back that that's the time of day my mood gets really low. I don't know whether he's trying to help lift my mood or cashing in on my pain. He recently purchased a new car 34k I think he paid it's a 3 year old model but it's very nice. I know for a fact I've paid for that car. Now he's moaning that if he needs a new tire on his car it's £500 per tire. I wish that was the only problem I had. Oh, and he's complaining that the car is very heavy on fuel so he's running low on money. Not a chance he's running low on money. Aside from me the minimum order off him is 4.5oz so half a 9 bar. He only sells ballers and Q's etc to me. And he said his reason for that was I'd only get dirty coke off someone else so I might as well have clean coke off him. I've spent a fortune with him. He sometimes offers to just leave an ounce with me and weigh it up in a couple of days to see how much I owe. If I had an ounce at home I'd stay awake sniffing until it was all gone.
 
On the one hand my dealer gives me the coke exact how he gets it and he buys a lot every couple of weeks and I mean a lot. So, I'm definitely getting the best in my area, it's always clean and quality is unmatched amongst anyone dealers I know and I know a fair few. On the other hand, he's got me hooked on high purity coke and he's phoning me daily. The amount I spend is nothing compared to what he makes. Yes, I've spent a lot with him, but to him it's pennies. I just can't work out his motive for making sure I stay on it. Perhaps he genuinely does just want to make sure that I'm getting clean coke. It's crossed my mind that he may have a secret grudge against me and absolutely Loving watching me on coke daily throwing my life away.
 
jessepinkman779 said:
On the one hand my dealer gives me the coke exact how he gets it and he buys a lot every couple of weeks and I mean a lot. So, I'm definitely getting the best in my area, it's always clean and quality is unmatched amongst anyone dealers I know and I know a fair few. On the other hand, he's got me hooked on high purity coke and he's phoning me daily. The amount I spend is nothing compared to what he makes. Yes, I've spent a lot with him, but to him it's pennies. I just can't work out his motive for making sure I stay on it. Perhaps he genuinely does just want to make sure that I'm getting clean coke. It's crossed my mind that he may have a secret grudge against me and absolutely Loving watching me on coke daily throwing my life away.
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Misery loves company springs to mind

'Codependency' too. Also 'toxic relationship'?
 
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