Recovery ENDLESSNAMELESS' Recovery Thread (Heroin, Smoked)

[NY2soFlo]

Thank you for your input. Can you expound upon how Heroin can become a spiritual addiction please? Thank you Sylvia.

Have you looked into clonidine? I've tried almost every classic detox comfort med, and If I had to pick one (excluding MF subs) it would be clonidine. Its an oldschool blood pressure med. When I take it, I feel the tightness/anxiety in my chest go away, I calm down, and mainly- it eliminates the hot/cold flashes and the sweats. I can't talk about detox meds and not mention it.

In the States, it seems to be the gold standard- AFTER doctor pressured sub maintenance (no thank you).

 

[endlessnameless]

Have you looked into clonidine? I've tried almost every classic detox comfort med, and If I had to pick one (excluding MF subs) it would be clonidine. Its an oldschool blood pressure med. When I take it, I feel the tightness/anxiety in my chest go away, I calm down, and mainly- it eliminates the hot/cold flashes and the sweats. I can't talk about detox meds and not mention it.

In the States, it seems to be the gold standard- AFTER doctor pressured sub maintenance (no thank you).

I haven't, no - but I've certainly heard about it. The hot/cold flashes and the sweats are a bloody nightmare. In the past if I had a lapse, my former GP used to include Oxybutrinin in with some other comfort meds which actually worked quite well for the sweats. I don't know why I never asked him for clonidine - but like I said, if this detox doesn't work out for me I'll be making an appointment with my new GP and I'll see if she'll be willing to prescribe me some.

Something like clonidine would be very useful if I had to go back on methadone short term. Its not something I necessarily want to do however I cant keep up this perpetual loop of trying to quit myself then relapsing because the depression/anxiety and withdrawals are driving me to insanity. I managed to get on and off Methadone at 20mls a day all in period of 3 months the last time and had a significant amount of clean time afterwards. The lifestyle that lead me to eventually relapse was a completely different one than the one I'm living now too.

Anyway, I'll see how the next two weeks go with the Lyrica and using benzos as needed (if the anxiety seems like its getting that bad that I'm considering using). Thanks for the suggestion anyway, NY2soFlo

 

[endlessnameless]

Technically my day one was a few days ago but the streak got interrupted as I had errands to run and an event to attend, none of which can be done when you're beginning with Lyrica as it takes a few days for the dizziness to go away. Starting again:

Day 1 (Saturday, September 13th):

Lyrica 300mgs
Alprazolam 3mgs
Codeine 60mgs

For the first few days of taking Lyrica, even at such small a dose, the dizziness makes doing most things riskier than they should be, so I tend to stay inside until that goes. The Alprazolam helps with the dizziness/drunken feeling quite well so I've come to taking it at as low a dose that's effective. The codeine was for the chills/sweats - it barely works for that and otherwise has no effect. I have enough left for a couple of days then I'll just stop as I really don't want opioids involved in this process.

 

[NY2soFlo]

Technically my day one was a few days ago but the streak got interrupted as I had errands to run and an event to attend, none of which can be done when you're beginning with Lyrica as it takes a few days for the dizziness to go away. Starting again:

Day 1 (Saturday, September 13th):

Lyrica 300mgs
Alprazolam 3mgs
Codeine 60mgs

For the first few days of taking Lyrica, even at such small a dose, the dizziness makes doing most things riskier than they should be, so I tend to stay inside until that goes. The Alprazolam helps with the dizziness/drunken feeling quite well so I've come to taking it at as low a dose that's effective. The codeine was for the chills/sweats - it barely works for that and otherwise has no effect. I have enough left for a couple of days then I'll just stop as I really don't want opioids involved in this process.

I'm assuming you're breaking that Xan dose into a few throughout the day (bc of the short half life)?

When you saw the doc for Lyrica, did you tell them the deal? That you're using it to come off opiates? If so, I'm surprised the doc didn't write out more comfort meds. I know a lot of people swear by Lyrica and Gabapentin, but I couldn't imagine going through it with just that and Xanax. Sure, better then nothing, but if you're seeing a doc there's some seriously more helpful meds to make it not suck as much/ increase your chances of getting through the worst of it.

 

[endlessnameless]

I'm assuming you're breaking that Xan dose into a few throughout the day (bc of the short half life)?

When you saw the doc for Lyrica, did you tell them the deal? That you're using it to come off opiates? If so, I'm surprised the doc didn't write out more comfort meds. I know a lot of people swear by Lyrica and Gabapentin, but I couldn't imagine going through it with just that and Xanax. Sure, better then nothing, but if you're seeing a doc there's some seriously more helpful meds to make it not suck as much/ increase your chances of getting through the worst of it.

I appreciate your reply. I'm not seeing a doctor at the moment, the Lyrica and Alprazolam were bought from someone - however if this gets to be too much then I'll be going to the doctor to see what they can do in terms of comfort meds. Are there any in particular you've found to be helpful? If so could you tell me please so that I can mention it to my doctor - thanks. I've recently been issued a new doctor you see so I'm not sure what shes like, ie how much experience she has in this area and if she'll entertain prescribing comfort meds or if she's going to try push a methadone script at me. If it comes down to me having to make a GP visit and it turns out that she does try to push MAT I can go to my old GP however it comes with a €60 fee.


Days 2-4: Lyrica 300mgs

Day 5:

Lyrica 300mgs (This was at 4am as I couldn't sleep. I then woke up at 9:30am and haven't taken any since.)

Monday is typically the busiest day of the week for me as I get paid and run most of my errands. Got a lot done this morning as there weren't many people around - I say that because my anxiety has shot up to a 9 and between the withdrawals and the gradually returning depression/anxiety I just cant deal with people and everything else that comes along with people right now. I can do the 'smile and hello' but any chance of it going further than that isn't possible yet, I've completely forgotten how to act like a regular person and my mind is far too clouded to handle small talk. At the same time, I have to be careful not to self-isolate again.

I ran out of benzos a couple of days ago and haven't been able to get any thus far and yeah...I'm officially in nightmare territory.
My mind is doing all sorts of twists and turns...one prevailing thought is how do I even go about successfully reintegrating myself into society again after existing on its fringes for most of my life at this point? Who will even understand?

 

[NY2soFlo]

I appreciate your reply. I'm not seeing a doctor at the moment, the Lyrica and Alprazolam were bought from someone - however if this gets to be too much then I'll be going to the doctor to see what they can do in terms of comfort meds. Are there any in particular you've found to be helpful? If so could you tell me please so that I can mention it to my doctor - thanks. I've recently been issued a new doctor you see so I'm not sure what shes like, ie how much experience she has in this area and if she'll entertain prescribing comfort meds or if she's going to try push a methadone script at me. If it comes down to me having to make a GP visit and it turns out that she does try to push MAT I can go to my old GP however it comes with a €60 fee.


Days 2-4: Lyrica 300mgs

Day 5:

Lyrica 300mgs (This was at 4am as I couldn't sleep. I then woke up at 9:30am and haven't taken any since.)

Monday is typically the busiest day of the week for me as I get paid and run most of my errands. Got a lot done this morning as there weren't many people around - I say that because my anxiety has shot up to a 9 and between the withdrawals and the gradually returning depression/anxiety I just cant deal with people and everything else that comes along with people right now. I can do the 'smile and hello' but any chance of it going further than that isn't possible yet, I've completely forgotten how to act like a regular person and my mind is far too clouded to handle small talk. At the same time, I have to be careful not to self-isolate again.

I ran out of benzos a couple of days ago and haven't been able to get any thus far and yeah...I'm officially in nightmare territory.
My mind is doing all sorts of twists and turns...one prevailing thought is how do I even go about successfully reintegrating myself into society again after existing on its fringes for most of my life at this point? Who will even understand?

Heard. Where I'm at it's safe to assume any pill bought off the streets is fake. I bought a couple xans right before I detoxed, and I tested hot for Benzos, Opiates, and MDMA (WTF). So, I probably would have done the same thing if it were possible. Regardless, I went to a doctor and got this exact lineup:

-.1mg clonidine (30ct + 1 refill) (blood pressure med- helps with hot/cold flashes, cold sweats, and general tension/anxiety)
-25mg hydroxyzine (30ct + 1 refill) (oldschool H1 antihistamine- helps with runny nose, sneezing, yawning. Also makes you drowsy before bed. Supposedly helps with anxiety too)
-5mg Valium (42 count) (I think you know this one)
-4mg Tizanidine (21 count + refill) (muscle relaxer- obv helps with pains, I took it with acetaminophen when needed).
-4mg zofran (12 count + 1 refill

The zofran is a sublingual pill that stops nausea almost immediately. Sometimes I get terrible nausea/dry heaving, sometimes I get none. This time thankfully I had none. Everything else I consider 100% effective. Also, this time around I took some over-the-counter supplements that really helped. Typically, I wouldn't have paid them any mind in the past, but I genuinely think they helped a LOT. I've gone through some horrifying detoxes in the past- and based on what I was using (fent) and for how long (4+ years straight)- I was fully expecting this to be one of the worst, and it wasn't. At all. I credit that to a good mindset and the combination of the comfort Rx meds + the OTC supplements. The supplements I took were/are:

-Imodium- (used as needed. Which was a lot)... buy a big bottle. The Vitamin C can make diarrhea worse.
-Sodium Ascorbate 2g + Agmatine Sulfate 750mg---I mix with Gatorlyte and drink every ~2 hours. (This was most effective.. I think)
-Aspirin (81mg)--- I took one with my Vitamin C/Agmatine Drink in the AM. With a few shots of honey.
-Black Seed Oil (200mg pill @ 5% extract strength)---I took one AM and PM, but have ramped up to 4 split throughout the day
-L Phenylalanine (500mg pill)--- I took 1 upon waking and 1 mid afternoon
-L-Tyrosine (500mg pill)---I take 2 upon waking, and 1 in the mid afternoon)
-Passionflower Extract (375mg pill at 4:1 extract strength)---I took one AM and PM but have ramped up to 2 am and 2 before bed.
-Magnolia Bark Extract (200mg Pill)--- I take 2 pills before bed.
-L-Theanine (200mg Pill)--- 1 or 2 pre caffeine during the day, and 3 before bed.
-Multivitamin---Taken with morning meal and night meal

This got me through acute WD and kept me going for 3 weeks. I slipped and did 1 bag of fent a week ago, so technically I have 7 days today. So, I'm right there with you. Fortunately, I was feeling pretty good before doing that bag- I literally got it to sleep at night. A few sleepless nights in a row will drive me crazy. I have also got a script for Ambien for sleep, but I haven't needed it recently.

If you read my log (in my script) there's some really great info that others have added. Most of this supplement stack was recommended to me, and I really think it was the difference between making it and not making it through. Good luck!

 

[NY2soFlo]

I appreciate your reply. I'm not seeing a doctor at the moment, the Lyrica and Alprazolam were bought from someone - however if this gets to be too much then I'll be going to the doctor to see what they can do in terms of comfort meds. Are there any in particular you've found to be helpful? If so could you tell me please so that I can mention it to my doctor - thanks. I've recently been issued a new doctor you see so I'm not sure what shes like, ie how much experience she has in this area and if she'll entertain prescribing comfort meds or if she's going to try push a methadone script at me. If it comes down to me having to make a GP visit and it turns out that she does try to push MAT I can go to my old GP however it comes with a €60 fee.


Days 2-4: Lyrica 300mgs

Day 5:

Lyrica 300mgs (This was at 4am as I couldn't sleep. I then woke up at 9:30am and haven't taken any since.)

Monday is typically the busiest day of the week for me as I get paid and run most of my errands. Got a lot done this morning as there weren't many people around - I say that because my anxiety has shot up to a 9 and between the withdrawals and the gradually returning depression/anxiety I just cant deal with people and everything else that comes along with people right now. I can do the 'smile and hello' but any chance of it going further than that isn't possible yet, I've completely forgotten how to act like a regular person and my mind is far too clouded to handle small talk. At the same time, I have to be careful not to self-isolate again.

I ran out of benzos a couple of days ago and haven't been able to get any thus far and yeah...I'm officially in nightmare territory.
My mind is doing all sorts of twists and turns...one prevailing thought is how do I even go about successfully reintegrating myself into society again after existing on its fringes for most of my life at this point? Who will even understand?

Also- if you have a benzo habit and don't have benzos- that's not something to play around with. I'd just bite the bullet and see a doctor. I'm assuming any country's healthcare beats the US, so if you can, I can't imagine you'd ever regret it. IMO, its the only other good option other then going to rehab.

 

[endlessnameless]

Days 6-13:

Trannex - 3mgs

When I say that I slept for 20-30mins over the interim period between my last post and this, none of that is a word of a lie. I reached the point where my eyes were bloodshot, vision was blurred (so I couldn't even update this thread) and bulging out of my sockets, every joint and muscle was in pain and I couldn't lie down, sit down nor could I stand. 90% of that time was spent indoors, mainly inside my room for most of the day and functioning marginally better nocturnally for a while until the insomnia (and often 24hr water fasts) were becoming a serious danger to my health. I didn't intend to fast - at one point I wouldnt eat much then lapse into ravenous hunger however the dizziness, blurred vision and confusion (all the while very much in pain) was precluding me going outside as I felt very vulnerable. If you scroll back on this thread, you'll see that it wont be long until its a year since I got attacked and that was starting to become an obsessive thought for me.

I also had NOTHING in terms of comfort medication so I picked up a few (not many) Alprazolam today. The 3mgs made a big difference and I feel I should be nearing the end of this.

I will update in more detail on these and other points a little later as its 01:36am and I don't want to mess around with my first nights decent (albeit not exactly natural) sleep.

EDIT: Does anyone else get this bloodshot, blurred vision and eyes that are bulging out of their sockets while in heavy withdrawal? Insomnia and Anxiety is what my theory is on that one, I've just never seen it on anyone else before nor have I ever read any accounts of it. Usually I'll throw on sunglasses because my eyes will be so sensitive to the light (due to the nocturnal lifestyle) but I cant do that indoors with people around. My family have noticed too, and the most heartbreaking thing about that is that I'm sure my mother thinks I'm using drugs. Hyper-sensitivity to light and to everything else causing extreme anxiety is my theory.

 

[helpingout]

The worst thing about it for me is that you, a wonderful beautiful person whose documenting and sharing their experience to benefit others thinks that your mother thinking your on drugs is actually worse than you being on drugs as consequential as these I remember reading your posts when I was making my first successful quit attempt. Dude you’re an inspiration and a fucking constant in my recovery journey. Don’t discount t how many people you’re positively effecting by trying this. Don’t discount how important you and your life are. On some level you know this because you’re trying to get clear of opiates. But on another level you’d rather she be ignorant to your dependency than advocating for your living a full life without the use of hard consequential drugs.

Getting clear is fucking difficult and sometimes it’s incredibly hard to hide that you’re having trouble with drugs. But the worst part is always that a person has found themselves dependent on an externality and physically ill from its absence. That’s chemical slavery.

I don’t want you to be a slave.

Your mother doesn’t want you to be either.

Your freedom is what I think you, me, and your mother want, hopefully she doesn’t know because I get you, I wouldn’t want my mom to know either, but I think everyone wants you to be free and at liberty to choose the course of your own life. And this suffering you’re going through. You’re going through it. And it will be over soon.

Stay the course friend. You continue to be a lighthouse for me.

I depend on you. But you haven’t made me a slave. You have been a part of my liberation.

21 days today.

Thank you specifically. You’ve been instrumental. Please keep writing.

 

[helpingout]

I’m sorry for the ways I’m a douchebag but just know that I’m really cheering you on and I just want to see you well and happy.

By the way I have 21 days right now but I’ve spent the majority of my year drug free as opposed to just active relapse. I’ve been lapsing and getting sick over and over with 5-14 days between. But it’s progress. When I first read your posts I got together 100 days from aug 18 -120125

Just know that it’s possible, and that you’re on the path. You’re doing it.

 

[NY2soFlo]

How often do you take benzos- or have taken them? From your post above it sounds like you might be feeling the WD from that too, during those days where you had no comfort meds (If im understanding correctly)? Not that opiate wd wouldn't cause that crazy of insomnia- It did for me almost every time. IIRC your opiate doses weren't crazy high right?

 

[endlessnameless]

The worst thing about it for me is that you, a wonderful beautiful person whose documenting and sharing their experience to benefit others thinks that your mother thinking your on drugs is actually worse than you being on drugs as consequential as these I remember reading your posts when I was making my first successful quit attempt. Dude you’re an inspiration and a fucking constant in my recovery journey. Don’t discount t how many people you’re positively effecting by trying this. Don’t discount how important you and your life are. On some level you know this because you’re trying to get clear of opiates. But on another level you’d rather she be ignorant to your dependency than advocating for your living a full life without the use of hard consequential drugs.

I don’t want you to be a slave.
Your mother doesn’t want you to be either.

Stay the course friend. You continue to be a lighthouse for me.
I depend on you. But you haven’t made me a slave. You have been a part of my liberation.

You have me in tears. For someone to acknowledge that my documentation has served its purpose in being of any form of aid to them now gives me drive to continue my documentation as a large part of my intent is to help others who are in this situation. The fact that I am achieving this feels like an electrical spark has been lit deep within the epicentre of my core and is radiating up and down my spine, out through my limbs, head and outwardly into the external world around me. Akin to a feeling of gnosis - from which the capital I'll omit for obvious reasons, though a word I'll comfortably use as I feel for the first in a long time that I have made a communion (I did just spend the majority of the passed 2.5 weeks in my house unable to leave, so I trust my cringey hypersensitivity shall be justified). This must be what achievement feels like. Your words have afforded me a feeling of purpose.

Your freedom is what I think you, me, and your mother want, hopefully she doesn’t know because I get you, I wouldn’t want my mom to know either, but I think everyone wants you to be free and at liberty to choose the course of your own life. And this suffering you’re going through. You’re going through it. And it will be over soon.

21 days today.

Thank you specifically. You’ve been instrumental. Please keep writing.

21 Days for you today?! Man that is remarkable! And I don't use exclamation marks lightly. How are you feeling at this point? Do please tell, I would love to hear it all or as much as you are comfortable in sharing. Indeed, while the forums are as anonymous as you can get - that doesnt always make sharing torturously tough times any easier to share as the process of doing so causes one to have to revisit the events again.

Thank you, specifically.
I've been writing this reply since I first read your response a number of hours ago between flashbacks, bouts of tears and deep contemplation (not to mention two laptop crashes and several catastrophic deletions) and while I know it isnt a lengthy post, just know that what you said has had a legitimately profound affect on me and I promise I will keep up with the updates. Please feel free to update here too.

The 2mg Trannex I've taken are beginning to do what they do best and I don't want to toy with my already extremely fragile sleep 'pattern', the hay I'll hit. I'll be back on tomorrow with an update to cover Days 6-13. I posted an update last night to cover those days but it evidently didnt post and I know it wasnt a sleep deprived hallucination as the Update was HUGE in terms of progress and in literary length. Hopefully I saved it on my SSD as I'm prone to doing so with anything breakthroughs I have when writing posts and/or journaling (edit: I didn't, however I'll cover it on the 6-14 Day Update later today.)



Many thanks for making the time to read, friends and foes...

[EDIT: The 6-13 Day Update DID post! I knew I wasnt that insane, must have been these sleeping tablets kicking in. Anyway, back tomorrow with Days 14 & 15].

 

[endlessnameless]

Days 14 and 15

Trannex/Alprazolam if needed (3mgs in total), which it certainly was as my nerves are still raw and I had to visit the library in order to print off some copies of some recent certificates I earned along with my forklift license I qualified for back at the end of June. I have several fields in which I'm qualified however right now I just want some straight-forward work that can be left in the warehouse/wherever which I wont need to bring home with me. Clock in 9, off at 5, paid once a fortnight and I'm golden for now. I'll take immense pleasure in living an average life for awhile as mine has been anything but average over the passed 15 years.

I'm not so naïve as to think that I can just walk into regular society following my having existed on its cusp for such a long time though mind you - so I have an appointment scheduled with my doctors locum (as usual he's in Florence) tomorrow so that she may write up - for the second time now in 14 or 15 months - a referral for me to see a mental health professional, because if theres one absolute certainty around this entire situation here, its that if I dont get to the bottom of what I'm escaping from (ie of whatever it is thats causing my anxiety, that which had spurred on my all enveloping depression from such a youthful, single digit age and caused me to choose medication (both prescribed and 'illicit') as opposed to putting noting short of a very definite end to my life ~16.5 years ago, I'll either fall straight back into self-medication/drug-addiction or I will book a one way holiday.

For day 16, I'll return to keeping 3mgs inside a pill-bottle only to be taken if I feel my anxiety levels are going to preclude me from exiting the house in which case I'll take 1mg, give it 45mins and if needed a further .5mgs. Onwards.

 

[NY2soFlo]

Days 14 and 15

Trannex/Alprazolam if needed (3mgs in total), which it certainly was as my nerves are still raw and I had to visit the library in order to print off some copies of some recent certificates I earned along with my forklift license I qualified for back at the end of June. I have several fields in which I'm qualified however right now I just want some straight-forward work that can be left in the warehouse/wherever which I wont need to bring home with me. Clock in 9, off at 5, paid once a fortnight and I'm golden for now. I'll take immense pleasure in living an average life for awhile as mine has been anything but average over the passed 15 years.

I'm not so naïve as to think that I can just walk into regular society following my having existed on its cusp for such a long time though mind you - so I have an appointment scheduled with my doctors locum (as usual he's in Florence) tomorrow so that she may write up - for the second time now in 14 or 15 months - a referral for me to see a mental health professional, because if theres one absolute certainty around this entire situation here, its that if I dont get to the bottom of what I'm escaping from (ie of whatever it is thats causing my anxiety, that which had spurred on my all enveloping depression from such a youthful, single digit age and caused me to choose medication (both prescribed and 'illicit') as opposed to putting noting short of a very definite end to my life ~16.5 years ago, I'll either fall straight back into self-medication/drug-addiction or I will book a one way holiday.

For day 16, I'll return to keeping 3mgs inside a pill-bottle only to be taken if I feel my anxiety levels are going to preclude me from exiting the house in which case I'll take 1mg, give it 45mins and if needed a further .5mgs. Onwards.

I know that feeling of wanting a "boring" or simple life after all the chaos of using- I feel the same right now. I'm perfectly fine doing a simple routine for a while. Just remember, many people go to rehab to get clean- for 90 days they can chill and have no phone and just concentrate on slowly getting well. That's what I had normally done in the past... getting clean at home, while working, while having all of life still going on was a totally different challenge (pros and cons), but I still need to remind myself to give myself a break - and often. After years of daily using it's kind of crazy to expect yourself to just recover and hit the ground running in the first 30 (or even 90 days). That's almost as hard as it was maintaining an addiction!

 

[endlessnameless]

40mgs Diazepam - typically I would only take half that dose and only if needed however the level of my anxiety merited it. I began with 20mgs, brought 2 x 10mgs with me and took the other 2 x 10mgs over a period of time while I was out and about strictly out of necessity.

The PAWS is doing a serious number on me my friends. Thankfully I was able to get a prescription for Diazepam last Friday evening otherwise I'd be an anxious wreck locked away in my room completely dissociated from what's going on around me having not slept a wink in god knows how long. I was also able to get out for a cycle earlier this afternoon which should help me to sleep tonight instead of taking any sleeping tablets

 

[helpingout]

40mgs Diazepam - typically I would only take half that dose and only if needed however the level of my anxiety merited it. I began with 20mgs, brought 2 x 10mgs with me and took the other 2 x 10mgs over a period of time while I was out and about strictly out of necessity.

The PAWS is doing a serious number on me my friends. Thankfully I was able to get a prescription for Diazepam last Friday evening otherwise I'd be an anxious wreck locked away in my room completely dissociated from what's going on around me having not slept a wink in god knows how long. I was also able to get out for a cycle earlier this afternoon which should help me to sleep tonight instead of taking any sleeping tablets

Good plan. Way to take a healthy approach to it.

 

[endlessnameless]

Day 17

30mgs Diazepam

I need to take a trip into town tomorrow/later today so I'll see how the anxiety is in the morning before I leave. If it hits, I'll take 15mgs and carry another 15mgs with me meaning if worst comes to worst I'll have only taken a maximum of 30mgs as realistically I cant go on taking 40mgs of Diazepam a day for much longer and not expect to get some sort of depepency which would be noting short of a crying shame considering the torture I've been going through over the last 17 days. I should need them less and less over the next week or so as the PAWS hopefully eases off. I did get 60 x 10mgs in my prescription so if by chance I did end up with a slight dependency in about a weeks time I'd have well enough to wean off.

Other than that, I've still extremely down in myself. This cant last forever. I just have to keep on as I'm going. Get out as much as I can, stay away from people in active use (just about everyone I knew) and dont self isolate. Even if it just means getting out of bed and coming downstairs and being around family thats enough for the moment. I dont want to push things and put myself under too much pressure too fast. Looking forward to my trip into the city center tomorrow...or later, rather - its 3:33.

I'll see how I feel on the first Monday of October and then I'll start applying for work. If I sit around any longer than that it could prove to be detrimental to my progress.

 

[endlessnameless]

Day 18

30mgs Diazepam

I managed to get out on a 45min walk and got to the barbers to get my haircut. I probably wouldnt have been able to sit in the barber chair without taking something to calm me down, even though the two chinese women who cut my hair are two of the most pleasant, personable and genuinely friendly people you could ever come across. I know the anxiety is a product of my negative, intrusive thoughts and I'm working my way out of that, something that is getting easier as the days that blend into weeks go by and my thought process clears up.

I didnt get to go into the city center as the girl who was supposed to sell me the ticket to The Midnight didnt write back to me. She emailed me at 7:30am and when I saw it at 12pm I wrote back to her but then she never replied. I still have the money in my wallet so I'm hoping to hear from her tonight or tomorrow. If not then I'll lodge it into my bank account and put it towards some new clothes next week.

I cant believe its only 7pm. I'm that bored that I'm just going to start applying for warehouse work/forklift jobs just to see what comes of it. Yes, my anxiety is still quite intense at the best of times however I'm afraid that if I dont start filling my time with something productive the boredom with start getting the better of me in the worst possible way. I'm even willing to work a trial run for nothing to gain some experience as regards working the forklifts as the jobs that are advertised all seem to be looking for people with 2-3 years experience however I just became fully qualified back at the end of June so I dont have any experience nor do I see how I'm going to gain any experience when everywhere is looking for people with experience. I can never understand this whole catch 22 nonsense. Its enough to drive a person insane - however like I said, I'll write on my cover letter that I'm willing to work for little to literally no pay in the short-term in order to gain the relevent experience as I'm still collecting social welfare so I have that to keep me going for the moment.

 

[endlessnameless]

Day 19

30mgs Diazepam - Prior to my trip into the city center this afternoon.
7.5mgs Zopiclone - About 25mins ago to aid with sleep which is still proving an issue for me.

I'm still very depressed. However, I am thankful that I managed to get out into town today around crowds of people. Two weeks ago that would have been impossible for me - the very thought of doing so would have given me a panic attack. I'm also very thankful for my family, that I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I know that as long as I keep taking this day by day that the light will appear soon. It must. This pervasive darkness cannot last forever, and the hope that it will disappear is what's keeping me going.

That, and the prospect of seeing The Midnight play in Dublin on October 12th. Its been a long time since I've treated myself. The last gig I was supposed to go to was Nick Caves Dublin concert, however I had a depressive episode around that time and completely forgot about it - hardly that surprising considering I was that confused from the symptoms of the depression and anxiety that I didnt even know what day of the week it was nor could I even string a sentence together.

Anyway, I should have my ticket tomorrow afternoon. Going to buy some new clothes for the night, dress up well and make it a point to really enjoy myself. I'm going alone but that doesn't bother me - so eclectic and varied is my music taste that what few 'friends' I used to have when I was in active use were never interested in going. They were never interested in doing anything that didnt involve getting blind drunk or out of their heads 24/7. They wouldn't even leave the post code, these guys.

I hope everyone is doing well - especially those of you who are reading this and are struggling - I'm right there with you even at day 19.

 

[helpingout]

Day 19

30mgs Diazepam - Prior to my trip into the city center this afternoon.
7.5mgs Zopiclone - About 25mins ago to aid with sleep which is still proving an issue for me.

I'm still very depressed. However, I am thankful that I managed to get out into town today around crowds of people. Two weeks ago that would have been impossible for me - the very thought of doing so would have given me a panic attack. I'm also very thankful for my family, that I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I know that as long as I keep taking this day by day that the light will appear soon. It must. This pervasive darkness cannot last forever, and the hope that it will disappear is what's keeping me going.

That, and the prospect of seeing The Midnight play in Dublin on October 12th. Its been a long time since I've treated myself. The last gig I was supposed to go to was Nick Caves Dublin concert, however I had a depressive episode around that time and completely forgot about it - hardly that surprising considering I was that confused from the symptoms of the depression and anxiety that I didnt even know what day of the week it was nor could I even string a sentence together.

Anyway, I should have my ticket tomorrow afternoon. Going to buy some new clothes for the night, dress up well and make it a point to really enjoy myself. I'm going alone but that doesn't bother me - so eclectic and varied is my music taste that what few 'friends' I used to have when I was in active use were never interested in going. They were never interested in doing anything that didnt involve getting blind drunk or out of their heads 24/7. They wouldn't even leave the post code, these guys.

I hope everyone is doing well - especially those of you who are reading this and are struggling - I'm right there with you even at day 19.

I like this writing style. You’re displaying hope for the future. Show should be great. I hope you enjoy it. Beware of alcohol! It leads to other drugs every time for me. You’re gonna figure out great solutions to all of the sadness. You’ll feel much better soon. You’ll find better people too. Try going to a smart recovery online meeting. You can use the meeting finder online. It could be of use to you!