Endless is
not having a good day today so this is going to be a vent.
Apart from feeling like absolute shite, my mother - as she usually does when she drinks - began laying into me in front of my brother calling me a liar. She made several accusations, which to each I offered proof but she wouldn't accept the evidence and continued to call me a liar.
The worst was saying I'm 'out of my head' 24/7. She for some reason has gotten it into her head that I'm using cocaine and she has implied I've been selling drugs on several occasions. For the record, I don't use cocaine and I've never sold drugs in my life. I've offered to take a urinalysis on multiple occasions, including tonight, to which I'm always met with "No, it doesn't matter - forget about it". My mother works in a doctor's surgery and we happen to have several of the piss test cups so she could have the proof in 5 minutes, yet she won't take my offer to piss into one (not even 10mins ago when she would have had the answer then and there) yet still she calls me a liar. What's going on there?
Then when I sat down outside I could hear her starting at my brother for 'not backing her up' and he himself said 'mam, you're drunk' and that 'he offered you proof and you didnt take it'.
I told her about 2 weeks ago that I'm weaning myself off the Tylex I had been on for 2 months and that if I seem a bit off during the process and maybe 7-14 days afterward, that's the reason. She claims she knows tonnes of people who were on Tylex for a week (
a week) and had they were fine coming off them. I'd be fine coming off them were I only on them for a week too, but after two months I was certainly feeling withdrawals. Why would I lie about that.
Its
incredibly frustrating when someone accuses you of something, then
when you offer them proof they wont take it.
Therefor I cant win, can I?
She also said she doesn't want to hear any more of me mentioning the words 'anxiety' or 'depression' because "it's bullshit" and "an excuse". I rarely ever mention my struggles with each because I know that they'll be met with that very response. My mother is largely the reason why I developed an anxiety disorder in the first place, something I've had since I was a small child due to her explosive temper. I recall being 5/6, sitting in the kitchen and my mam making her dinner while I would be eating mine - everything calm and relaxed then she would drop a fork and SCREAM the house down and damn near give me a fucking heart attack. This would happen multiple times a day, every fucking day for years and STILL goes on. THATS where the anxiety that she refuses to acknowledge is a legitimate condition which just registers with her as an 'excuse'.
When I'm done with taking the Lyrica on Saturday, I may get another tray of 15 (however I'll stop after that) as they seem to be also helping me with the depression/anxiety that comes with PAWS (as I did have a habit not too long ago before I switched over to the Tylex after the attack) however I'll see how I feel on Monday before I decide. At that point I'll have to arrange to go to another doctor and get a urinalysis done to prove to her that 'I'm not out of my head 24/7' on cocaine or anything else for that matter, because she works for my GP and she told me she doesn't want me going down there for something like that. It makes no sense to me why she wouldn't want me going down to
GET THE PROOF so that I can stop hearing about me 'being out of my head'.
Maybe the Lyrica has me looking a bit off, I dont know (and I dont think so as I've used the Lyrica method in the passed and nothing was said to me). Personally I it all stems from me being unemployed at the moment, which is something I'm not proud of and am working on.
As I wrote in a prior post in this thread, I had made an appointment with my GP back on the 22nd of July of this year explaining to my doctor that I'm at a crisis point as regards my anxiety and I desperately need to speak with a mental health professional, ie a
PSYCHOLOGIST, *
NOT* A PSYCHIATRIST who will only pump me full of medications because I dont want to be dependent on anything. He was hesitant for some reason, and suggested he prescribe me something to help first before I go down that route to which I said
no - that I wish to be referred to a
psychologist as CBT has helped me in the passed where as the six years I spent trying every psych med they threw at me didn't, resulting in them telling me that there was little more they could do for me other than trying different combinations of medications. Even the Lithium treatment (which is harsh) that I was on for six months and had to have regular blood tests due to the potential for Lithium toxicity to occur was unsuccessful. He ended up writing me a prescription for a weeks worth of Diazpepam (which I took but which isnt the answer - not long term).
Well lo and belhold, my GP
FORGOT to send the fucking letter off in time which I only found out 3 months down the line when I asked my mother, who said 'oh he forgot, and theres no point sending it off now because its too late so you'll have to wait 3 months'. For FUCK SAKE, I explicitly said I was at a crisis point. I ended up having a fucking lapse for 2-3 weeks after that.
I'm going to have to go DIRECT to the HSE and see what they say - and excuse me if this sounds pessimistic, but I know before even doing so (which I still will) are going to tell me to go through my GP and I just cant depend on the guy to send off the forms I fill out. Now my GP is a nice guy who has helped me out in the past as regards getting prescriptions for whatever I need (within reason) to do at home detoxes, or if my anxiety hits hard he'll write me up a prescription for benzos but I'm VERY pissed about how he 'forgot' to send off the referral. He had ample time to do so. I hear about all the stuff that goes on down in that surgery - especially about his seven figure debts - and its no coincidence his first port of call is to write out prescriptions as he gets paid for every one he writes out. I let him, his wife and all the staff use my medical card to get their what nots (antibiotics, ointments, sleepers etc - I'm not talking about opioids or anything major - at least not to my knowledge but then again I've given them carte-blanch to go ahead) so that they have to pay little or nothing and the fucking least he could have done was get that form sent off for me. I sometimes think it was a deliberate move since me going to a psychologist and getting my shit together would mean I'd get back working and would lose my medical card meaning not only would they not be able to use it, but that he'd lose money on writing the prescriptions (99% of which aren't for me but in my name).
I might come back and delete that part - I dont know. Its just a fuck up - had he sent that fucking form off I could be seeing a psychologist now and have made some actual progress so that I can return to work without having to leave after a few months because the anxiety is too debilitating for me. I feel guilty for even writing that sentence - that my anxiety is debilitating - because I've been made to feel that it's all in my head and that its 'a bullshit excuse so that I don't have to go out and work like the rest of us'.
I feel alone. I'm not looking for sympathy but I cant believe how my mother just brushes my mental illness aside like its a fucking excuse - even though she's the one who asks me why it's taking me so long to get my shit together. I have no one to confide in. She told me if I dont have a job in the new year (then she said Spring) that she's throwing me out. Since I've had to separate all of my social circle that I was in regular contact with from my life during the summer since they are all in active addiction
and don't seem to want to stop (not to mention the fact that they've proven they're not friends anyway, so my conscience is clear), if I'm out on the streets with the anxiety and depression there a high potential for relapse. That's one of the last things she said to me tonight and my head is spinning with the fear of it. I am trying my best here - as I said I went to the doctor in a state of crisis to no avail and have to wait 3 more months until he can apply again, so unless things turn around in that space of time...well, I fear for the worst.
Anyway...
Epclusa - 400mg/100mg
Lyrica - 300mgs
Trannex - 3mgs
I took the Lyrica this morning along with 3mgs of Trannex. The intention was to get up, shower and go about my day but as it happened fell asleep (I hadnt slept much at all the night prior) and so ended up sleeping most of the day which I
hate so here I am at 3am wide awake. I've taken 2mgs of Trannex and when I go to be in about half an hour I'll take 1mg to send me off to sleep. If I sleep I sleep, if I don't I'll get up at dawn and apply for more jobs. I'll wait until I'm up at least an hour and have eaten breakfast before I take my meds as I don't want a repeat of today where I fall asleep after taking them only to wake up at 4pm (or later) exhausted, look out the window only to see the onset of dusk.
On the upside, I'm almost 11 stone which is a vast improvement over having remained hovering around the 10 stone mark for so long during active addiction.
I missed my NA Zoom meeting too. I've been attending since late October/Early November and while the whole 'NA thing' isn't really my cup of tea, it functions more of a way for me to keep in contact with people who are either sober or are trying to get sober and they're really the only people who will listen and who understand.
I'll update tomorrow - Im setting my alarm for 9am as no doubt I'll need to get my mother a Taxi to work because she'll be too hungover to cycle 10mins up the road. I'll be sure to STAY up too as I am not making the same mistake I did today. Its 4am and I'm WIDE AWAKE, and at this stage largely with worry.
Anyway, if I'm not asleep within 30mins of hitting the pillow I'll pop 1 Trannex.
*Edit: Thank you @
AngelsandFairiesarereal - I made some edits after you hearted my post just to add some key details I left out. Thank you for your support on a number of posts I made and I hope you are well yourself. I'm just worked up and hurt here at the moment. Hopefully I will feel better over the next few days. Thanks for reading.
**Edit: No, I haven't been taking 30-40mgs of Trannex a day - its a mistake I've been making as most benzos in my pharmacutical or street-reach tend to come in denominations of either 5 or 10mg pills so I'm going back over my posts to rectify that. Wow, 40mgs of Trannex/Alprazolam is a MASSIVE AMOUNT.
