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AngelsandFairiesarereal said:
PTSD, flashbacks, night terrors, dissociation, can’t eat … crying
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Dog Love GIF

💜💜💜
 
Please take care of yourself like you would a loved one suffering, lots of tea when you can't eat,loving internal praise for being the amazing person you are,warm baths when you awake from terrible dreams,focus on soft drumming music,and cry darling cry,no shame in it as you know,but we all care for you darling soul,I really sense this,and please know I'm open to private discussion, if you ever need of me.
 
Robi said:
Please take care of yourself like you would a loved one suffering, lots of tea when you can't eat,loving internal praise for being the amazing person you are,warm baths when you awake from terrible dreams,focus on soft drumming music,and cry darling cry,no shame in it as you know,but we all care for you darling soul,I really sense this,and please know I'm open to private discussion, if you ever need of me.
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Thank you so much @Robi 💜
I’m going to go make some tea right now. Gracias for what you said it really means a lot a lot 💕
 
There isn't really any heat coming through the vents in my room here at the sober living house that I am in, and it's in the low 20s outside. So it's fairly cold in my room. Which it kind of sucks. Though on the positive note I'm wearing thermal underwear tops and bottoms, sweat pants , socks and 3 warm blankets on my bed. So I'm pretty cozy here, and I kind of like it. So my way of turning a negative situation into a positive situation. 🥶 🥵
So today I spoke with the psychiatrist and finally they are going to start me off on Gabapentin. It's something that I've been on in the past, and even though it will be a low dose(I'm guessing 100mg), it should help me out with my anxiety and maybe a little with the nerve pain in my leg.
I still need to get my leg checked out, just really haven't been able to get around to it.
Hoping that tomorrow will be a good day, hoping to start that medication.
Hope everyone has a Happy Tuesday 🌞
 
Well I have been sleeping better. Passing out a lot.

I don't know if the hot weather makes it all worse or the extreme cold.

It's been on and off with everything going on in life ... all at once too.

Things are going good just a little bit. It's morning again and it's peaceful so far.


I kind of forgot what I was going to post because I made a couple other posts

first.

But it is great so far at least that I am sleeping again. And had been for quite a

while since I had quit opioids. And then have getting a lot at a proper time everyday as in before

the sun comes up and all on my own without an alarm clock even. But the paws ruined me.

It was like ptsd in the mix. On a smaller scale .. but just you know. It can be devastating.

Yes, it's no fun suffering but Healing does help it shine.,
 
I just had a deja vu so bad. It really scared me. So I am just going to take my methotrexate medication and a hot shower.

I know that might be tmi too much information but it might help me to feel better. And then I should talk to a couple of friends.

Or try to. I am really sweaty but the ice in the bird bath is finally melting somehow. I will try to be better soon and am still doing

well. And all of the sweet support was just as good as medicine can be. So can I just say thank you. Somehow.

Tnks !!!!
 
Been in my head a lot this weekend. I've got another phone interview tomorrow with the oxford house tomorrow and i have to tell them that i still don't have a graduation date in the program that I'm in, and they've been holding my bed there. They are wanting me to drop out of the program so that I can hurry up and get into the program, and I understand that I just don't want to up and quit this program that I'm in because they won't write me any medicine if I decide to LOA/AMA. So I really want to finish this program because that would be the right thing to do, plus I'd get prescriptions for all of my meds, and that would include suboxone and nerountin.
Just trying to keep positive, and I know that something will work out if they tell me that they are going to have to give my spot to someone else. I have to look at it like there are multiple oxford houses around the city where I'm moving to after this, so just would be on a different part of the town.
I guess it gives me just stress and anxiety.
I also have an open bed in my room so means I'll get a new roommate and chances are they will be complete shit.
Just kind of stuck with these people holding my balls. Just easy to get worked up over this shit.
Also my cellphone charger cord broke, the little end came out and there ain't no way i can put it back together, so I'm having to use a 4 inch charging cord so I can't really do nothing while my phone charges. I've got 2 power banks so I can maybe rotate using those at night, and just put them on the charge before i go to bed or something.
 
Ds said:
Been in my head a lot this weekend. I've got another phone interview tomorrow with the oxford house tomorrow and i have to tell them that i still don't have a graduation date in the program that I'm in, and they've been holding my bed there. They are wanting me to drop out of the program so that I can hurry up and get into the program, and I understand that I just don't want to up and quit this program that I'm in because they won't write me any medicine if I decide to LOA/AMA. So I really want to finish this program because that would be the right thing to do, plus I'd get prescriptions for all of my meds, and that would include suboxone and nerountin.
Just trying to keep positive, and I know that something will work out if they tell me that they are going to have to give my spot to someone else. I have to look at it like there are multiple oxford houses around the city where I'm moving to after this, so just would be on a different part of the town.
I guess it gives me just stress and anxiety.
I also have an open bed in my room so means I'll get a new roommate and chances are they will be complete shit.
Just kind of stuck with these people holding my balls. Just easy to get worked up over this shit.
Also my cellphone charger cord broke, the little end came out and there ain't no way i can put it back together, so I'm having to use a 4 inch charging cord so I can't really do nothing while my phone charges. I've got 2 power banks so I can maybe rotate using those at night, and just put them on the charge before i go to bed or something.
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Do you need a phone charger cord? What kind? I might be able to help you, just message me
 
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Longtime lurker. Don't want to post my own thread but feeling down and defeated and like sharing.

First time I ever tried cocaine or heroin I was 19, and it was an IV speedball with some kids I had met in jail. Everyone that was in that car or that I hung with in that point of my life is dead now. 10+ people. They were all mostly heroin addicts that would enjoy the occasional zoot from a coke shot. I took straight to the the cocaine and ran with it hard for over 10 years now. I've been to prison because of it, have absolutely wrecked many familial and romantic relationships. Whether immediately, or within a few days, every cent I make is spent on fentanyl and crack. Neither of which I particularly enjoy anymore, after 10 years of heavy cocaine abuse, I'm lucky if I don't nose dive deep into psychosis after just my first hit. I do the fentanyl to try to combat the overstim but nothing really can.

Have been to 8 rehabs and countless detoxes. Had a period of sobriety once for about 6 months but wasn't really able to achieve any longterm happiness. My ex wants to be with me but is sick of watching me kill myself and make genuine promises that I truly believe and the time but am quickly unable to keep.

It's always fun to think that if you had enough money, then drug addiction wouldn't actually be an issue. It's only an issue if ur broke, right? Not even close. Even when I ran a successful business, it still means waking up sick every morning, but somehow that's tolerable when you know you have a shot waiting. And in some sick way, maybe even a little enjoyable because the contrast from sick to faded is way better than sober to faded. But inevitably, even with all the money, you find yourself sick and squirming and cursing yourself.

Reflecting on the past ten years is a painful experience. I'll turn 30 this year and have nothing to show for myself. I'm back in my mother's basement, no job, no prospects. All my friends online are tying the knot and having kids and here I am about to take an Uber to the city and spend my last 100 bucks on crack and dope. Just so sick of it
 
lofidelity said:
Longtime lurker. Don't want to post my own thread but feeling down and defeated and like sharing.

First time I ever tried cocaine or heroin I was 19, and it was an IV speedball with some kids I had met in jail. Everyone that was in that car or that I hung with in that point of my life is dead now. 10+ people. They were all mostly heroin addicts that would enjoy the occasional zoot from a coke shot. I took straight to the the cocaine and ran with it hard for over 10 years now. I've been to prison because of it, have absolutely wrecked many familial and romantic relationships. Whether immediately, or within a few days, every cent I make is spent on fentanyl and crack. Neither of which I particularly enjoy anymore, after 10 years of heavy cocaine abuse, I'm lucky if I don't nose dive deep into psychosis after just my first hit. I do the fentanyl to try to combat the overstim but nothing really can.

Have been to 8 rehabs and countless detoxes. Had a period of sobriety once for about 6 months but wasn't really able to achieve any longterm happiness. My ex wants to be with me but is sick of watching me kill myself and make genuine promises that I truly believe and the time but am quickly unable to keep.

It's always fun to think that if you had enough money, then drug addiction wouldn't actually be an issue. It's only an issue if ur broke, right? Not even close. Even when I ran a successful business, it still means waking up sick every morning, but somehow that's tolerable when you know you have a shot waiting. And in some sick way, maybe even a little enjoyable because the contrast from sick to faded is way better than sober to faded. But inevitably, even with all the money, you find yourself sick and squirming and cursing yourself.

Reflecting on the past ten years is a painful experience. I'll turn 30 this year and have nothing to show for myself. I'm back in my mother's basement, no job, no prospects. All my friends online are tying the knot and having kids and here I am about to take an Uber to the city and spend my last 100 bucks on crack and dope. Just so sick of it
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My life certainly took a different course than yours but I also tried coke and H iv when I was 19, though not together. Luckily I never liked coke .. but when I was told "you don't get any more H" I couldn't help myself but cry then and there. I'll never forget the humiliation, nor the next day I spent writhing on the floor in pain... But never dared to find my own sources until recently. So during the following years I achieved almost all my goals in life, job, marriage, kids... I even reached a certain happiness for a while.
But over the last decade it turned into frustration more and more... Anger, despair, constant fights taking turns with apathy... It even spoiled my character until I had not a single friend left. And suddenly I found myself in the same spot again, where I was looking for drugs to bring (back) some colors into my life... So there I go again. Addiction isn't even my problem rn it's physical exhaustion. I'm living a single parent's live these days, working part time and literally locking myself up in the bathroom so the kids don't barge in when I handle my shit. I'm still switching and combining substances with a preference for opioids by now and also using every roa that works. I'd say it's fairly under control but my body is struggling visibly... I can't eat enough to stop the weight loss and I'm not a teen anymore after all... There's no one in my life who knows or whom I could even tell about that "self-medication". Yet I'm unable to cope without.
 
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Thank you for sharing. Made my night.
I'd like to share some of the highlights of my drug riddled youth. Mostly to put it into perspective for myself

2 year prison sentence in one's of NYS largest most violent mediums, from just after turning 19 to just after 21

Shitting myself more times than I can count in violent withdrawal (the tranq in recent years really took this to a whole new level of despair)

Squatting in an abandoned warehouse with no heat or running water

Stealing from my parents wallets and purse until they knew better than to let me in

I've smoked crack in Philly, Baltimore, Detroit, Chicago, NYC, Albany, Buffalo, Syracuse, Allentown, Denver, Boulder, Portland - and where I'm from easy to guess

I have 2 felony bench warrants out of Colorado. One for assault, causing permanent injury, another for DWI, neither of which I remember

From 16 to 21, I have been incarcerated on 13 separate occasions. Been to 4 different county jails and 3 NYS prisons

Missed bringing gf to important medical appointment because I got sidetracked smoking crack in harrisburg

I 2023 I sent over 60k on cash app for crack, and the majority of my transactions were made in cash

I really wish there was a film compilation, like some people do a picture everyday, but it would be a film compilation of every hit of crack I've ever taken.

The amount of cocaine ive done in 10 years would likely be incomprehensible to any normies/civilians. If it was all in a pile, it'd be a fckn mountain and I would retire on it

I really want to stop but haven't ever put the work in for any of the traditional avenues to pay off. At this point I'm pretty steady on subs, in minor WD atm but will jump back on subs in the morning.

Even though I desire to clean up my act I can't say that I have the desire to live a normal life. I'm in the works of planning my escape. Have been collecting gear for an AT thru hike that likely won't happen for a long time so going to just gear up and take a bus to somewhere warm and try to find some kids to show me how to hop freight trains
 
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