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It's probably ok to just rant here right?
So I'm feeling damn stupid these days for chasing highs all the time, wasting time for it and last night I had some disturbing trouble with my lungs after vaping too much HHC-p... Maybe I can just take out the liquid and use it orally? Not sure it would work tho .. maybe not worth breaking the pod ...🤔
Also I hate to say that I tried to i.v. again... Messed up my feet for nothing just to have to hide them now 😒. On the other hand it's good bc I'd definitely go for it regularly otherwise 😮‍💨
 
Hey everyone!!!

I haven't been on here for a while 'cuz I needed some time to get my s#!t together. After living on beer, Ativan and Klonopin for the last two years, I was down to 135 lbs. (I'm 5'9" and usually around 175) and wound up in the hospital with a-fib (irregular heartbeat) and dehydration.

I'm on Day Ten sober and I actually feel really good considering, although my anxiety, OCD, hypomania & insomnia have been a bit worse than usual (which I guess is understandable considering the withdrawal). I've even started working out again, which I need for both my body and mind.

Anyway, hope you all are doing well.

Much Love,
Dreamflyer
☮️❤️🙂
 
Dreamflyer said:
Hey everyone!!!

I haven't been on here for a while 'cuz I needed some time to get my s#!t together. After living on beer, Ativan and Klonopin for the last two years, I was down to 135 lbs. (I'm 5'9" and usually around 175) and wound up in the hospital with a-fib (irregular heartbeat) and dehydration.

I'm on Day Ten sober and I actually feel really good considering, although my anxiety, OCD, hypomania & insomnia have been a bit worse than usual (which I guess is understandable considering the withdrawal). I've even started working out again, which I need for both my body and mind.

Anyway, hope you all are doing well.

Much Love,
Dreamflyer
☮️❤️🙂
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Congratulations! And shake hands for the weight loss. I didn't lose as much as you but it's my biggest issue now since it's so visible and I'm already underweight..
 
Dreamflyer said:
Is it okay for me to just say that I hate everything right now and that I wish I'd never been born? I don't belong in this world. I never have.

My whole childhood was spent being bullied by school kids all day and abused by my psychotic alcoholic father all night. Every woman I've ever been with has treated me like shit. Every job I've ever worked at has treated me like shit.

I'm done with social media. Every time that I post a nice comment on a website like YouTube or Reddit, I get a bunch of haters BLASTING me because they only know how to spread poison.

I can't commit suicide, because I'm so brainwashed by the hypocritical Catholics I grew up with that I'm afraid I'll burn in Hell. So I'm fuckin' STUCK here!!!!!

Fuck it. I sound like a whiny piece of shit. Just kill me, please.
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I can relate to the online bashing... Different opinions are hard to accept for some people 😒. You always have to remind yourself of the fact that it is THEIR problem, not yours. And if you're interested in the Buddhist perspective: They are erasing your bad karma while accumulating it for themselves...
Otherwise I also hope things will get lighter for you. Did you ever get trauma therapy? Or have a chance to get it?
 
Mushoku_Sensei said:
I can relate to the online bashing... Different opinions are hard to accept for some people 😒. You always have to remind yourself of the fact that it is THEIR problem, not yours. And if you're interested in the Buddhist perspective: They are erasing your bad karma while accumulating it for themselves...
Otherwise I also hope things will get lighter for you. Did you ever get trauma therapy? Or have a chance to get it?
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Thanks so much, and you're absolutely right. I had an online chat with one of the Reddit mods and they said the exact same thing... that it's about them and not me.

I've had talk therapy but not specifically for trauma. I'll look into it.

My insurance won't cover any mental health providers in my area, so I've been forced to go off of my two antidepressants and anxiety meds this past month.
 
You're very welcome.
Dreamflyer said:
I've had talk therapy but not specifically for trauma. I'll look into it.
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🙏
Dreamflyer said:
My insurance won't cover any mental health providers in my area, so I've been forced to go off of my two antidepressants and anxiety meds this past month.
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Jesus Christ... You're from the US I take it? Some things just seem unbelievable...
 
I had an awesome therapist for 10 years but he lost his license. I've spent the last 9 months trying to find a new one that my insurance will cover, but I can't. I've been forced to go off of my 2 antidepressants (Lexapro & Remeron) and anxiety med (Ativan).

I have completely given up on the medical system. I even went to the ER during a massive panic attack and they wouldn't help me at all.
 
Dreamflyer said:
I had an awesome therapist for 10 years but he lost his license. I've spent the last 9 months trying to find a new one that my insurance will cover, but I can't. I've been forced to go off of my 2 antidepressants (Lexapro & Remeron) and anxiety med (Ativan).

I have completely given up on the medical system. I even went to the ER during a massive panic attack and they wouldn't help me at all.
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Wow. 10 years is awesome! Why'd he lose his license tho?
 
Dreamflyer said:
I posted a pic of some junk food on Reddit's "stoner food" thread and got a bunch of people saying things like I must be a 500 lb. loser who lives in my mother's basement and can't get a date!!!

I commented on a YouTube video asking everyone to accept peoples' differences and was told that I'm a pathetic piece of shit!!!

I hate this world but I fuckin' REFUSE to be a fuckin' scumbag in order to fit in!!!

A few years ago, I posted on HERE about being bullied in my workplace by co-workers who wanted my job, and I got replies from people calling me a fuckin' crybaby!!!

WHAT THE FUCK???
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Are those the incidents you mentioned or new? I used to think for days about what I could have replied when people said BS to me.. but I never had a cool reply ready on time. 🙄 Online conversions have the big advantage that you don't have to respond at once unless it's in a chat. You can take time to think how to show them their own stupidity ( or clarify what they actually meant). At least that's what I would try as long as I'm not totally outnumbered. And trust me it's a different feeling when you can at least kick back some a-holes... But ofc you have to involve then...
One time I even found a friend that way, a once in a lifetime meeting 🙏
 
Mushoku_Sensei said:
Are those the incidents you mentioned or new? I used to think for days about what I could have replied when people said BS to me.. but I never had a cool reply ready on time. 🙄 Online conversions have the big advantage that you don't have to respond at once unless it's in a chat. You can take time to think how to show them their own stupidity ( or clarify what they actually meant). At least that's what I would try as long as I'm not totally outnumbered. And trust me it's a different feeling when you can at least kick back some a-holes... But ofc you have to involve then...
One time I even found a friend that way, a once in a lifetime meeting 🙏
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Reddit was a month ago, YouTube was about a year ago and Bluelight was a few years ago.

My dad used to tell me 40 years ago that I was a failure and a mistake, and that STILL hurts, so I guess there's no time limit on my pain (even after 20 years of therapy).

Every time that somebody attacks me for being a nice guy, it just reminds me why I don't belong in this world.
 
I
Dreamflyer said:
Reddit was a month ago, YouTube was about a year ago and Bluelight was a few years ago.

My dad used to tell me 40 years ago that I was a failure and a mistake, and that STILL hurts, so I guess there's no time limit on my pain (even after 20 years of therapy).

Every time that somebody attacks me for being a nice guy, it just reminds me why I don't belong in this world.
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I get that. There's a deep rooted pain of being worthless I think. And childhood "indoctrination" is hard to get over... But you will keep getting triggered as long as it's not healed...😣 Please give yourself a hug and acknowledge you are NOT a failure 🫂
Just for now
 
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