Thanks for the kind words of support.
Yeah, would be nice to get professional help. Trying. Where I live it is extremely hard to find anybody accepting new patients and then the few I found over the past few years turned out to be quacks. Plus, it's $100 a week I don't have.
I'm kind of at my wits end. I have no friends or family (largely due to having been a huge asshole while I was on coke and booze 15+ years ago), a stressful soul killing job, no enjoyment of life or even break from the pain, no feeling of hope for the future. It's been like this consistently for a very long time.
I know I could get a big bottle is Xanax and feel good for a little while. Max out my credit cards, fly somewhere tropical, get an 8 ball, have some fun adventures, maybe get laid, spend a week or two squeezing as much enjoyment and pleasure out of it as I can, then get a big bottle of boost to mix with the Xanax, pass out on the beach at low tide, and be mercifully and painlessly swept out to sea. I know it could get more living done in those two weeks then have done in the last 30 years. The option looks attractive to me. Right now I'm trying to convince myself of any arguments against it.