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This nicotine withdrawal seriously makes me suicidal and have some really enraged feelings toward people from my past I hold some insanely strong grudge like resentment don’t call 988 for me I have no plans to harm myself nor them
 
This is My new Nick (i forgot My password from my previous Nick Isavela). I have Been thinking suicide The last 5 days, seriously. How, when, with what and when i'm alone at home, so no one can save me or see me dying. This is serious. I wished to die this much almost 2years ago.
 
Fwiw, and I promise no fake or dreamy dramatisation ever, I have veered many times always always though only seeking a better stepping stone.

Last last resort basically.


Yesterday was the outright most fearless about it I've been stirred ever yet.

By fearless, I mean discarding knowing the weight and impact of the consequences on others first because that's it, totally only f right thing to do, Now!

Thinking, in that driven stage.

I literally genuinely begin proposals and arrangements except drugs are always involved first.


I do try taking enough benzo powder to just see, if it stops my tracks, lessee evil? and all!


It often does. But wild q's though, 35 mg's Etiz or Bromazolam maybe, with lots benzo potentiating kava and v stoned 24365


Then, damn legalities.


I have some, ahem...trips! Laying about that's all ;)


And bloody (fuck her ex Majesty for growing selling legally based on firm undisputed science way more medical Skunk vs anyone single ever) MY, vital medical weed.



I bet 40 mg's yesterday by afternoon, did help me avert. Rough though.


Today, I feel unexpectedly different better calmer clearer more optimistic, not wistfully but like a baseball player knowing they're fit with an optimum grip analogy.





So, damn. Trust me I'm tough resilient resourceful hard, but I was lividly crazy with reason, still..


I reasoned timelessly ceaselessly though. I'm f here somehow.

It IS a new day. There may be some level of hope.



Just take lesson maybe, I will keep trying to do that myself.
 
Isavela6 said:
This is My new Nick (i forgot My password from my previous Nick Isavela). I have Been thinking suicide The last 5 days, seriously. How, when, with what and when i'm alone at home, so no one can save me or see me dying. This is serious. I wished to die this much almost 2years ago.
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It was happened to me so many times Isavela....just read my posts years back....U know-that feeling...this is temporarly...like everything...like joy,like life......Best solution for me when devil hit is to fall asleep.U must sleep....Painkillers don't work in such cases for me.No cure for this in pill form.....This thoughts is not yours u know.....something whispering in ur ear....believing or not....find some way to sleep....if u ain't got problems/addictions with benzos or z drugs-take and sleep.Take some strong antipsychotick and SLEEP!The dream cured.....and tortured sometimes......don't loose hope sister....talk this to u...just like talk this to myself.HOPE never will die!Live today.....die some other day.....when is written for u to die :hear4t:
 
Isavela6 said:
This is My new Nick (i forgot My password from my previous Nick Isavela). I have Been thinking suicide The last 5 days, seriously. How, when, with what and when i'm alone at home, so no one can save me or see me dying. This is serious. I wished to die this much almost 2years ago.
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Please don't do anything drastic. Not long ago i felt exactly how you did. Addicted to drugs, lonely and sad. Never thought it would get better but today i'm thankful i pushed through. It does get better, sometimes unexpectedly but it do.

My pm is always open if anyone needs to talk
 
Maybe have a look here :

SUICIDALITY | +40 articles

Cambridge Ketamine, the new suicide prevention weapon by Mark Shenefelt | Feb 24, 2019 Ketamine, with a long record as both a dependable surgery anesthetic and a notorious club and date-rape drug, has gained new life in northern Utah as a weapon against severe depression and thoughts of...
bluelight.org bluelight.org
 
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I swallowed 8 30mgs blue fentanyl pills and unfortunately I'm still here or I guess I should say fortunately? I just ended up getting sick for a couple days and it was pure hell. But I've been depressed because my damn meth addiction and be not being able to work out because of my weak bones. Been having pain in my delts and I just wanna be able to continue bodybuilding but I don't know how to quit the meth. I dread dealing with withdrawals and gaining weight and being lethargic I can't I just can't do it
 
FallenOne86 said:
I swallowed 8 30mgs blue fentanyl pills and unfortunately I'm still here or I guess I should say fortunately? I just ended up getting sick for a couple days and it was pure hell. But I've been depressed because my damn meth addiction and be not being able to work out because of my weak bones. Been having pain in my delts and I just wanna be able to continue bodybuilding but I don't know how to quit the meth. I dread dealing with withdrawals and gaining weight and being lethargic I can't I just can't do it
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Bro, you've just got to quit. I got hooked on them orange meth pills from the dark web during Covid just to get through work, which was impossible without the gym (I was in NYC - all closed).

Believe me, the longer you are on, the harder it is going to be to recover. Eventually, you are going to crack and rebuilding your life will be much, much harder. I look at myself in the mirror and I'm just shocked.
 
FallenOne86 said:
I swallowed 8 30mgs blue fentanyl pills and unfortunately I'm still here or I guess I should say fortunately? I just ended up getting sick for a couple days and it was pure hell. But I've been depressed because my damn meth addiction and be not being able to work out because of my weak bones. Been having pain in my delts and I just wanna be able to continue bodybuilding but I don't know how to quit the meth. I dread dealing with withdrawals and gaining weight and being lethargic I can't I just can't do it
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have you tried adderall or dexamphet all to taper off the meth??
 
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here for doing what you do and helping, supporting, laughing, and generally being good with each other.

So many people here have helped me through some difficult times and I'm extremely grateful.

I've seen and heard about some people hurting each other (physically, emotionally, etc), but I have hope that the works of the good will continue and triumph.

[I've hurt, inconvenienced, and many people so it will be a big relief to many when the time comes. My pain will be nothing compared to the pain of others, I wish the opposite would hold true, but I am who I am.

I'm a registered organ donor and I hope that will work out (I do have some chronic conditions that might interfere with that). Being in close proximity to the hospital will hopefully lessen the response time to my body and mitigate any deterioration.]

Love to all of you.
 
garygroundwork said:
have you tried adderall or dexamphet all to taper off the meth??
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Yeah.. I have.. I thought it was helping but I don't know what happened.. I think day 4 or 5 I went crazy but I blocked out most of it so I'd have to ask my wife and I can share what happened cuz I'm sure it's an entertaining story at least for ya'll haha
 
FallenOne86 said:
Yeah.. I have.. I thought it was helping but I don't know what happened.. I think day 4 or 5 I went crazy but I blocked out most of it so I'd have to ask my wife and I can share what happened cuz I'm sure it's an entertaining story at least for ya'll haha
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but that's how I would play it..

coming off meth.. I be on adder all Dex clonidine and possibly xanax

but then slowly tapering them too

over months
 
garygroundwork said:
but that's how I would play it..

coming off meth.. I be on adder all Dex clonidine and possibly xanax

but then slowly tapering them too

over months
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What's really fucked up is how quickly my bones have weakened with today's meth.. I mean shit man I don't remember the old school crank fucking up your bones that fast. But then again they say meth and bodybuilding don't go hand in hand but with TRT they sure do haha I mean I got the body of a Greek God and I still have my pearly whites but a great smile doesn't help if I can't squat as heavy as I would like to. But I guess I should take it easy cuz I'm not competing so I shouldn't be upset if I can't squat 550-600 like I used to.. I am 37. I just miss my twenties and being able to push it hard. Recovery was a breeze! This aging thing scares the shit out of me man I don't know. I'm having the worst time with it. And my wife is 47 so I definitely don't talk about the age thing around her cuz she's worse then me hahaha if only I had a time machine!
 
FallenOne86 said:
What's really fucked up is how quickly my bones have weakened with today's meth.. I mean shit man I don't remember the old school crank fucking up your bones that fast. But then again they say meth and bodybuilding don't go hand in hand but with TRT they sure do haha I mean I got the body of a Greek God and I still have my pearly whites but a great smile doesn't help if I can't squat as heavy as I would like to. But I guess I should take it easy cuz I'm not competing so I shouldn't be upset if I can't squat 550-600 like I used to.. I am 37. I just miss my twenties and being able to push it hard. Recovery was a breeze! This aging thing scares the shit out of me man I don't know. I'm having the worst time with it. And my wife is 47 so I definitely don't talk about the age thing around her cuz she's worse then me hahaha if only I had a time machine!
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yeah get on some test and some deca for a bit
 
Euthanasia is now done by giving the patient a bunch of Seconal to swallow all at once. It's a barbiturate. I read that some individuals are taking 48 hours to die, after swallowing the bunch of red capsules. I bet those 48 hours were real unpleasant. So I don't trust oral drugs as a means of suicide. Too unpredictable.

For over 4 months, I've been dealing with depression plus suicidal ideation. I have no intention to off myself anytime soon. I'm not quite that hopeless. But the depression is oppressive. My hydrocodone tablets help a bit. I so want to up my daily use to what would make me feel a lot better. But then I would run out and have withdrawal to deal with.

Actual psych meds don't help me. Plus, it's not easy to get psych care. Unless you're on the verge of suicide and say that you are, no one cares. No one in my life, anyway. I'm not into melodrama.
 
steviebadlands said:
Like your hydrocodone helping a bit, my Alprazolam (legitimate) prescription helps a bit.
But I also TOO want to/wish I could up my dose to one that would relax me enough to take the suicidal thoughts away. I take 3mg day prescribed - 1mg x 3 but I do it all at once in the morning.

Obviously I’m lucky to have that, but I only got to that dose after being with my doctor for 12 years, starting in 2012 on just 0.5mg a day.

What dose of hydrocodone do you take?

I know it wouldn’t be sustainable but because I fill 2 days early each month, I have two days where I take 6mg and it’s major relief.
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I think I do the same thing. I manage to fill it one or two days sooner each month. That way there is overlap, which gets me a few extra doses.

My Vicodin is 10/325. I get 60 tablets a month. Each tablet is precious. If I ever accidentally dropped one in the toilet, I believe I would fish it out, rinse it off and pop it in my mouth. (But only if it was my own toilet.)
 
I felt suicidal as fuck today. I've ordered some Kratom because I just don't think I can function without SOMETHING opiate-like and it's a week+ until I get my script for codeine (which I run through way too quickly anyways). I just found out my Kratom doesn't ship until Monday too...eugh. Paid for the fastest delivery possible too. Tempted to waste even more money on Phenibut hcl, but I know it's a recipe for disaster given my big benzo dependence (scripted too).

Told my mom I loved her and left the house, and I bought rope at a construction place to kms but threw it in the garbage on the way home and bought a bottle of wine worth a few digits (which I can't afford really), but fuck it, I'm alive.
 
Madness said:
@BK38 - this is such a shitty time of year for most everyone, hopefully these are passing feelings. Is this the first time you've been serious about that?

Probably the only time I've been this serious was when I was 19 and hopelessly addicted to heroin and came close to a suicide attempt. I don't know man, I feel so low atm.
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Madness said:
@BK38 - this is such a shitty time of year for most everyone, hopefully these are passing feelings. Is this the first time you've been serious about that?

@AlphaMethylPhenyl - hey just wondering if you were effected by this season too.
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Yo!

Believe it or not I enjoy both warmer and colder weather, just in different ways. The warmer is pretty obvious, sunshine and not having to suit up and ability to go more places. No snow shoveling. No watching out for ice when I walk. Other people are in better moods.

In Winter though I like that people keep to themselves more. It makes me less anxious. There's a collective silence that really appeals to me. Have always been a polar bear, that said:ROFLMAO:

I mean I take meds though. If I wasn't on those, oh how shitty every day would be.
 
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