TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

[deficiT]

I guess I belong I've seriously considered suicide for most of my life. One attempt as a teenager. Slit my wrist. I'm reaaaallly lucky that I wasn't smart enough at the time to use a razor blade and I used a dull knife, and gave up after about an hour of hacking away at my wrist. I was truly trying to end my life. Glad there was no internet at the time or I probably would have been better prepared.

Since then I've always seen suicide as being a viable option. " If things don't get better by x year, or by the time I'm at y age. If I get diagnosed with some incurable degenerative disease. If my employment situation gets to the point I can't make ends meet. If the environment collapses. If there is a fascist takeover/civil war/inescapable violence. If the world becomes unlivable, then I've got that option"

Since I came to that conclusion 20+ years ago, I certainly had my ups and downs but things never truly got better. Had some brief periods of happiness, employment situation has been better than I worried about (meaning of continually had a job that I hate and makes me very unhappy but has provided enough income to stay alive without going too far in debt ) but also lots of depression and still haven't found the love and friendship that makes a life worth living.

But let's be honest, the environment is collapsing at an exponential rate, we are on the brink of world war III, a fascist dictator is extremely likely to take control in a year or so, and AI will be evolved enough to put everybody out of a job within a few more years.

Basically waiting for things to get to the point of no return, or to get laid off from my job, then take a trip around the world to have as much fun as I can before maxing out my credit cards and then blammo. Or maybe I find something on that last hurray trip around the world that makes me decide to keep going, I don't know.

I think it's a rational decision. I hope things don't get that bad, but haven't seen much evidence they won't. Seems like best case scenario is I find enough love and happiness for my life, and find a way to alleviate the suffering of others for as long as I can before pulling the trigger. I do want that to be a long time but I don't think things will realistically get better for the human species. Even if we avoid WWIII, mother nature isn't going to likely to relent.

The best days are the ones where I'm too distracted to think about this shit

Like said above, I would try my best to limit my intake of external stimuli that might only serve to foster negativity. As well, it helps to recognize that sometimes, the typical shit people have that "make a life worth living", like money, success, stability, friends etc. all will fall short if you can't find internal peace. There are people with all of those things that still end their life prematurely, whether by their own hand or through indirect means like addiction. I say this as someone that's been suicidally depressed for 15+ years and has attempted more times than I can remember at this point, and has only survived through grace. I feel better now for the most part, but I have to be careful because I can very easily revert back if I'm not careful. I've had to actively change my patterns of thinking, through therapy, medication, getting sober, etc. Maybe you don't need all that, but it'd be helpful to consider talking to a professional further about this. There's no shame in that.

I wish you the best, feel free to reach out if you should ever need someone to hear you out

 

[searchingforthesound]

Thanks for the kind words of support.

Yeah, would be nice to get professional help. Trying. Where I live it is extremely hard to find anybody accepting new patients and then the few I found over the past few years turned out to be quacks. Plus, it's $100 a week I don't have.

I'm kind of at my wits end. I have no friends or family (largely due to having been a huge asshole while I was on coke and booze 15+ years ago), a stressful soul killing job, no enjoyment of life or even break from the pain, no feeling of hope for the future. It's been like this consistently for a very long time.

I know I could get a big bottle is Xanax and feel good for a little while. Max out my credit cards, fly somewhere tropical, get an 8 ball, have some fun adventures, maybe get laid, spend a week or two squeezing as much enjoyment and pleasure out of it as I can, then get a big bottle of boost to mix with the Xanax, pass out on the beach at low tide, and be mercifully and painlessly swept out to sea. I know it could get more living done in those two weeks then have done in the last 30 years. The option looks attractive to me. Right now I'm trying to convince myself of any arguments against it.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

I think when we're already overloaded by our own internal struggles, allowing external noise to pollute our minds generally makes things worse. I know this might sound like a strange thing to do, but I do wonder if perhaps not listening to any 'news' at all (or selectively listening only to more uplifting things), might at least take this additional burden off your shoulders? None of us can control these things individually, so listening to what's going on really serves no useful function at all most of the time.

On the other hand, travel can be a superb way of helping to shift out of a pervasive funk and improve our thoughts and feelings about the world. So if you can do at least some of that, it might be a real boon. Either way, I hope you find a way through your struggles

It's not a strange thing to do anymore - plenty of people myself included are feeling highly noticable mental health improvements from drastically limiting (or completely stopping in some cases) access to 'news'

Over last 25 years humans have had access to a billion times more information readily available to us than previously. Plenty of people are unknowingly overwhelmed by it. Dopamine-hacking sites and apps, social media being the biggest brainwashing opportunity in human history...the age of alternative facts, AI, and the constant downpour of misinformation, bile and hatred be 'consume' daily (often many hours daily) - we cannot process it, overloaded.

Im having a day per week zero media, instant benefits. am gonna up that to 2 days soon if possible. I'd say media blackout days are becoming essential selfcare

 

[deficiT]

Thanks for the kind words of support.

Yeah, would be nice to get professional help. Trying. Where I live it is extremely hard to find anybody accepting new patients and then the few I found over the past few years turned out to be quacks. Plus, it's $100 a week I don't have.

I'm kind of at my wits end. I have no friends or family (largely due to having been a huge asshole while I was on coke and booze 15+ years ago), a stressful soul killing job, no enjoyment of life or even break from the pain, no feeling of hope for the future. It's been like this consistently for a very long time.

I know I could get a big bottle is Xanax and feel good for a little while. Max out my credit cards, fly somewhere tropical, get an 8 ball, have some fun adventures, maybe get laid, spend a week or two squeezing as much enjoyment and pleasure out of it as I can, then get a big bottle of boost to mix with the Xanax, pass out on the beach at low tide, and be mercifully and painlessly swept out to sea. I know it could get more living done in those two weeks then have done in the last 30 years. The option looks attractive to me. Right now I'm trying to convince myself of any arguments against it.

I usually don't like to traffic in cliches, but they say "don't give up before the miracle happens".

You never know what's around the corner. Could be really awesome.

 

[searchingforthesound]

It's not a strange thing to do anymore - plenty of people myself included are feeling highly noticable mental health improvements from drastically limiting (or completely stopping in some cases) access to 'news'

Over last 25 years humans have had access to a billion times more information readily available to us than previously. Plenty of people are unknowingly overwhelmed by it. Dopamine-hacking sites and apps, social media being the biggest brainwashing opportunity in human history...the age of alternative facts, AI, and the constant downpour of misinformation, bile and hatred be 'consume' daily (often many hours daily) - we cannot process it, overloaded.

Im having a day per week zero media, instant benefits. am gonna up that to 2 days soon if possible. I'd say media blackout days are becoming essential selfcare

I do that sometimes and it helps. Deactivating my social media always helps too. But it has become the case that most venues where I live ONLY list their events on social media, so I reactivate it to see what is going on.

I usually don't like to traffic in cliches, but they say "don't give up before the miracle happens".

You never know what's around the corner. Could be really awesome.

And good stuff has happened to me in the past that made be glad I didn't die when I was 15. I know there will be good stuff that happens to me in the future if I stick it out. But up till now, at age 40 plus, on the whole, the 10% of my life that has been enjoyable hasn't made the 90% of pain and sorrow worth living through.

Going to try again on Monday to find professional help, maybe go on ssris. But it is daunting making call after call and being told they're not accepting new patients.

I don't want much out of life. Freedom from constant pain. A little bit of love. A sense of belonging. A way to contribute positive energy to the world around me.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

I don't want much out of life. Freedom from constant pain. A little bit of love. A sense of belonging. A way to contribute positive energy to the world around me.

All achievable, but only if alive!

I say all, the freedom from constant pain may be a reach, I dunno your circumstance. Periods of much lower pain though? Probably. Also teaching ourselves new ways to relate to our pain can massively improve things albeit fro a different angle

Change though - that will most assuredly happen. Nothing is more certain.

 

[Jnowhere]

I usually don't like to traffic in cliches, but they say "don't give up before the miracle happens".

You never know what's around the corner. Could be really awesome.

Wow, I am amazed by your positive attitude.
I am working on not being the opposite. However, I see very little news, but was leaks out into my isolated world, almost always is bad.

 

[Jnowhere]

Thanks for the kind words of support.

Yeah, would be nice to get professional help. Trying. Where I live it is extremely hard to find anybody accepting new patients and then the few I found over the past few years turned out to be quacks. Plus, it's $100 a week I don't have.

I'm kind of at my wits end. I have no friends or family (largely due to having been a huge asshole while I was on coke and booze 15+ years ago), a stressful soul killing job, no enjoyment of life or even break from the pain, no feeling of hope for the future. It's been like this consistently for a very long time.

I know I could get a big bottle is Xanax and feel good for a little while. Max out my credit cards, fly somewhere tropical, get an 8 ball, have some fun adventures, maybe get laid, spend a week or two squeezing as much enjoyment and pleasure out of it as I can, then get a big bottle of boost to mix with the Xanax, pass out on the beach at low tide, and be mercifully and painlessly swept out to sea. I know it could get more living done in those two weeks then have done in the last 30 years. The option looks attractive to me. Right now I'm trying to convince myself of any arguments against it.

Welcome to mid life crisis. I would have one but my emotional maturity died in my mid to late teens. My life sucks, because of things, I did or didn't do. I no longer have cable. I occasionally buy cheap used dvds, play with my phone, read and run errands. My doctor( who I like asked me to see a shrink and that I should be on disability. I am not open with people face to face. He could see how miserable I am. But alas I keep living
Few would miss me, but look around life is never as good seems to be: for a few select people. Most really successful people don't seem all that happy, when they think no one is watching.

 

[Jnowhere]

I do that sometimes and it helps. Deactivating my social media always helps too. But it has become the case that most venues where I live ONLY list their events on social media, so I reactivate it to see what is going on.



And good stuff has happened to me in the past that made be glad I didn't die when I was 15. I know there will be good stuff that happens to me in the future if I stick it out. But up till now, at age 40 plus, on the whole, the 10% of my life that has been enjoyable hasn't made the 90% of pain and sorrow worth living through.

Going to try again on Monday to find professional help, maybe go on ssris. But it is daunting making call after call and being told they're not accepting new patients.

I don't want much out of life. Freedom from constant pain. A little bit of love. A sense of belonging. A way to contribute positive energy to the world around me.

Do you have general practitioner that Is any good? Could they make recommendations?

 

[searchingforthesound]

Do you have general practitioner that Is any good? Could they make recommendations?

Good point. I do. Maybe they could.

All achievable, but only if alive!

I say all, the freedom from constant pain may be a reach, I dunno your circumstance. Periods of much lower pain though? Probably. Also teaching ourselves new ways to relate to our pain can massively improve things albeit fro a different angle

Change though - that will most assuredly happen. Nothing is more certain.

Thing is, I'm lucky and fortunate compared to most. In fact, I used to get annoyed when people would tell me I shouldn't be depressed because things could get A LOT worse. I remember 10 years ago thinking my life was miserable. Now I look back and think I had it really good and wished I'd appreciated what I had. Because things do change. Not always for the better

I'm blessed with good physical health, and the pain I do have is not physical. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. The corporate job I have that pays for that stuff kills my soul, but that's a different story.

I've known people with serious health issues who are living in dire poverty, but still somehow happy. I want to learn how to have a mind like that.

Welcome to mid life crisis. I would have one but my emotional maturity died in my mid to late teens. My life sucks, because of things, I did or didn't do. I no longer have cable. I occasionally buy cheap used dvds, play with my phone, read and run errands. My doctor( who I like asked me to see a shrink and that I should be on disability. I am not open with people face to face. He could see how miserable I am. But alas I keep living
Few would miss me, but look around life is never as good seems to be: for a few select people. Most really successful people don't seem all that happy, when they think no one is watching.

I wish it was only a midlife crisis. Been happening since I was a kid.

 

[Jnowhere]

Good point. I do. Maybe they could.


Thing is, I'm lucky and fortunate compared to most. In fact, I used to get annoyed when people would tell me I shouldn't be depressed because things could get A LOT worse. I remember 10 years ago thinking my life was miserable. Now I look back and think I had it really good and wished I'd appreciated what I had. Because things do change. Not always for the better

I'm blessed with good physical health, and the pain I do have is not physical. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. The corporate job I have that pays for that stuff kills my soul, but that's a different story.

I've known people with serious health issues who are living in dire poverty, but still somehow happy. I want to learn how to have a mind like that.



I wish it was only a midlife crisis. Been happening since I was a kid.

Try never growing up, then being thrown into the real word. I miss alcohol, I mean I wished I had missed it.

 

[searchingforthesound]

Try never growing up, then being thrown into the real word. I miss alcohol, I mean I wished I had missed it.

I know what you mean. If I had missed alcohol a little more often when I was younger, I'd still have people in my life right now.

I guess being free of alcohol is something we can both be grateful for.

 

[Jnowhere]

Try adding physical pain to emotional, it makes for a lot anger and self pity. I know you , don't know me
But you seem healthy and potentially active. You should use that to go places and do more things. ( no dui's, they really suck). I went to 3 different high schools in 3 different states. Mine started at 14.
Around me are implements of death, but here I am. I am not in great health physically, and like I 'very said my doctor, even without anything depression or related, suggest a shrink. I need to buy better insurance, to get a shrink. Had to buy a plan and det a letter, just to buy coverage. Stupid motherfuckers, have screwed up the health care system. My dad was a surgeon and had a lot to say for decades on how the health care system sucks.

 

[Jnowhere]

Didn't know you had alcohol problem, I was only trying to go after my own stupid self. Sorry, I will say this, there are no substances that will not( recreational) bite you in the ass, or worse.
Hey, your healthy, so please try to use that, who knows, you can do what I can't usually, meet real people go out and And try to live life.

 

[Jnowhere]

I meant the real world. To much to list, but if you stick around a few decades, and stay healthy, Pickleball might still be around. But seriously, get out and try avoid the miserable trap I have inadvertently set for myself.
I realize that as we grow older, after thirty or so, if you ain't got kids and a wife or ex-wife's, socializing can be hard. Especially when you get stuck looking at peoples kids pictures or worse, grand kids.
Then you are stuck with people who never left spring break emotionally and turnout to be shallow/ narcissistic and would be sociopaths if more successful.
I have great dreams, they are the I can't remember.
.

 

[BourbonMac]

I've been absent from the forum for a little while, bout a month.
Things got pretty bad, I've already configured my exit strategy of a massive overdose likely before my 30th birthday on the 17th. I don't want to die, but fuck, I'm fucked up, and I don't think there's a way back from this. My drug use has continued and gotten quite a bit heavier.

It's not about turning 30 either, it's just the culmination of the immensely fucked up year this has been, or maybe my life in general. 2023 can fuck itself, what a fucking awful year. I already have all the drugs I'd need to OD but it may not be that pleasant, my body could tank it all and then I'm puking and unable to breathe, barely conscious. I'm not going out without a mega, mega dose of DMT though, because I believe this can help get me back, for a time. If only I had a lifetime supply of the shit, it really is a matchmade in heaven for me. Problems? Just do DMT, they go away, they don't exist, you see them differently.

 

[deficiT]

I've been absent from the forum for a little while, bout a month.
Things got pretty bad, I've already configured my exit strategy of a massive overdose likely before my 30th birthday on the 17th. I don't want to die, but fuck, I'm fucked up, and I don't think there's a way back from this. My drug use has continued and gotten quite a bit heavier.

It's not about turning 30 either, it's just the culmination of the immensely fucked up year this has been, or maybe my life in general. 2023 can fuck itself, what a fucking awful year. I already have all the drugs I'd need to OD but it may not be that pleasant, my body could tank it all and then I'm puking and unable to breathe, barely conscious. I'm not going out without a mega, mega dose of DMT though, because I believe this can help get me back, for a time. If only I had a lifetime supply of the shit, it really is a matchmade in heaven for me. Problems? Just do DMT, they go away, they don't exist, you see them differently.

I'm sorry you're feeling so hopeless. Please don't follow through with this. The 20s suck, and this year has been hard. But things can and do get better if we work towards them. Getting older has been more of a blessing than a curse for me. I'm not much older than you.

 

[WellTram]

I quit meth and opioids but since i take bupropion i almost killed myself.

 

[deficiT]

I quit meth and opioids but since i take bupropion i almost killed myself.

Quitting meth and opioids is a big step. What happened with the bupropion? Just negative side effects on your mental health? Talk to your doctor to get it adjusted. Glad you're alright.

 

[WellTram]

After acute WD i was on a lot of meth but sleep was low quality, suddenly i was able to feel everything,. .than i decided to quit meth and doc gave mé another ad, bupropion. Since then i am edgy, suicidal,going out of bed Is the worst...i quit painkillers cause i felt my health Is really fcked up. But after quitting i am totaly zombified i just eat 2 antidepressants, lots of benzos and modafinil can help me wake up but i need a lot, 600-1200mg and as a side effect i am overheating and anxios so i improve it by , 7-15mg alprazolam...i Can use chlorprothexine, Mirtazapine and promethazine to fall asleep but mornings after taking one of these Are ven worse. Also, a few days before christmas my grandfather died. And i dont celebrate christmas but i feel this negative energy surrounding everyone because unnecesary bullshit that for some reason must be done at Christmas...I lost my golden ring, spent Huge amount od money on that Meth..i feel broken. How to calm Down this pain.