TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

[Senior Moderator]

I do sing actually, my voice is pretty good, 3 octave, (maybe 4 if I saw a vocal coach and really worked at it?) perfect pitch and can go very low to Michael Jackson high, but those higher notes need work. It's the middle range that needs the most work. So if I'm trying to impersonate someone like Jim Morrison, it's hard because his natural speaking voice is quite a bit higher, my speaking voice is lower. So I end up having to sing in a higher register than he does to sound the closest I can, but starting it off with my chest with initial deepness. I think hacking up mucus (gross sorry) has scratched up my throat quite a bit the past year but I've had so many sinus problems.

Unfortunately I'm so self-conscious in general that it hardly ever comes out, but it has. I remember after a traumatic failed DMT breakthrough in late April 2021, I came back from it obviously shook up but an old friend came through that night, a few did, and I really needed that at the time. Most of my regular anxieties were gone that night and I remember singing pretty high and he was like "holy shit man that was beautiful."

I was known at least as a child to have what some called an "angelic voice" (went to a small catholic school until 4th grade and everyone had to sing and do plays). But once I started 8th grade I sounded 30. I couldn't have hit any high notes during puberty, I think maybe it took many years of adjusting to that deepness to be able to go higher again. I remember when I was 15 going on 16 I could at least impersonate Sid from Toy Story when he screams "doctor you've done it!" but by 16 my voice would just die off if I even tried. I can hit that quote easily now though.

If I still drank I'd probably be able to sing a lot easier, I'd be able to have a lot of conversations a lot easier. It's hard when I just get stoned and I've never tried using kava around friends before, I don't think the effects are comparably sustainable. Either way I mostly sing alone at the end of the night. I used to watch people perform a long time ago and thought they were so incredible, but now I can see and hear a lot of flaws, fatigue, etc. affecting their voice. I mostly try to impersonate British singers, like Syd Barrett who's my profile picture. It's often hard to properly sing that well without actually listening to the song at the same time though, at least since I hardly practice without it anymore as it exacerbates my tinnitus and if I'm having niacin help I don't want that. I used to sing all the time on my walks last summer.

Either way, music has always been a big passion of mine. I don't think I'd even be here without it. I have many goals and have written a lot of songs and poetry. I'm not an amazing guitarist but I don't practice all that much, my fingers are terrifyingly long and there's a lot of potential with that. I want to learn so many other instruments though, especially sitar which I know is difficult but is my favorite instrument. I mean at the end of the day I have so many creative endeavors, that's why I WANT to live, I mean there are so many things I want to do but I let my demons get the best of me.

This. Is. AMAZING!!!! USE IT!! Use that amazing voice of yours, and your long fingers, and your intense passion for music!! This could be a big part of your healing process dude.

I am a singer, and my advice is stop trying to impersonate anyone else's voice. Sure it's a cool party trick but you have YOUR OWN VOICE. And it sounds like it's a good one, so just sing like YOU. Find your own voice and just sing with your own voice.

And I envy your long fingers. My whole life I have wanted to, and tried very hard to play guitar to accompany myself singing, but I have tiny hands and it's too difficult to make the chords. I've tried all different techniques, gotten lessons, tried different types of guitars, but nope. So I just sing a capella, which is fine because I too am pitch perfect

But yeah, like I said, play guitar and sing, do it every single day dude. It releases endorphins. It will make you feel better about yourself, it's fun, and it might even start to heal some of the issues you've got going on.

Oh and before you say anything like "I can't because of the tinnitus", remember, I have chronic moderate to severe tinnitus too So it's no excuse ❤

 

[BourbonMac]

Well, here I am again. I had some dark thoughts the past week. I've been in the midwest seeing relatives. Well, the ones that are left, I saw none of my cousins. I basically just played with my aunt and uncles dog every day, he loves me and I love him more than probably anything in the world. Never have I known a dog so cute, cuddly, playful, and in complete love with me. Anyway... the first 5 days or something I had awful stomachaches, thought it was from the antibiotics I've been on for 5 weeks but no, actually right when I went back on them my stomach was better but that's a coincidence really.

First night I got in I took my antibiotic and got an instant stomachache. So I thought, it must be this, but that doesn't even make sense. This resulted in what had been a massive decrease in my tinnitus for weeks completely go to shit even after I went back on it because I'd flushed it out completely by 3 days. I only have 3 pills left and my doctor won't prescribe me any more despite still being infected and suggests I see a homeopathic doctor. No motherfucker, give me more Bactrim, it's working. It's just a longterm infection and requires longterm antibiotics, Jesus. I'll know once I finish the course and get awful headaches again and a droopy eye that my infection is just rebounding.

Anyway, I don't want to leave and go back to my shit household. I want to stay here where it's nice and I'm spiraling out of control and may just kill myself on the way home. Yup, that's where I'm at... Hell maybe I should just destroy mailboxes or rob a store, get arrested out here. Fuck me. I have a cousin who I could possibly stay with but she's always like yada yada this that, sister of my deceased cousin Patrick who died 2 years ago, I cry any time I think about him. He meant so much to us. Maybe if I told her I was suicidal over it'd change or mind(edit: this originally said something like over it, his death, but that sounded selfish and was unintentional) I mean, I did tell her yesterday I've struggled with thoughts but becoming roadkill on the way back very well may happen. If you don't hear from me in a week, I'm sorry it had to end like this. You've all been amazing, this is the best forum I've ever used.

 

[BourbonMac]

Taking 1g of Phenibut I thought would calm me down, give me some euphoria... instead I'm getting MAJOR anxiety, my pulse is up and I feel like I'm on Adderall on a bad mushroom trip. Fuck. This. I took 900mg, then like 100mg a little while after. I used to do 1.2-1.5g and never experienced anything really like this. Some stimulation maybe but nothing like this. Then again I did take like 1500mg Gabapentin so it's probably potentiating but... it's an anxiolytic drug. It shouldn't make me feel this way. Fuck. I'm never touching this shit again, I haven't since January. I actually felt initial significant euphoria that made my head roll back and now I feel fucking awful holy shit.

I... I think a DMT trip just kind of... changed it. Holy shit. It's like the Phenibut potentiated the DMT. What the hell just happened?? I thought I was out, but I guess my little 510 threaded shit still had some left. This will be the key to my survival. As for the phenibut.. I'm about to just eat and get blazed. Hopefully that brings down the effects. supposedly it does

I don't even feel any depression about leaving anymore. I'm still tripping a little bit, laid down in the yard laughing hysterically. I had no idea where I was when I opened my eyes from those immense kaleidoscopic visuals holy shit... It sucks that DMT, the most illegal drug, something not that easy to make, is basically the cure to anxiety and shit. I still feel phenibut speediness but like... Idk... It's similar to Gabapentin stimulation but above that. In other words the high went lower after the DMT.

 

[BourbonMac]

Phenibut was the worst mistake ever... Staying up till 6am, eating and getting stoned, sleeping till 11am about and having a major hangover and extreme need for more sleep. I couldn't move all day, was crying about having to leave, regretting taking it and not going to bed sooner. It was all a mistake, then I tried talking with my uncle about my mental illness shit, suicidal thoughts. This lack of sleep phenibut combo really fucked it all up, hard. Later on I almost jumped off a bridge. Currently spiraling out of control, really, and here I am getting pretty much no sleep after all that. Took a nap around 6:30, got woke up by a text because I left the shit on vibrate, regretted not at least walking around the nice lake my uncle in Iowa I stop ats house before hitting the road.

Like, this monster known as being suicidal, monsters in general having all this shit wrong with you is the one that should jump off the bridge. Fuck mental illness, fuck anyone who's helped contribute to it, and fuck me for taking phenibut. Never touching this shit again. Drug taking can be a monster... but this was just a bad decision. I don't really like the stuff, it was a one off attempt at causing euphoria as it has before, but I always was really tired the next day even if I'd slept quite a bit..

 

[AutoTripper]

Phenibut was the worst mistake ever... Staying up till 6am, eating and getting stoned, sleeping till 11am about and having a major hangover and extreme need for more sleep. I couldn't move all day, was crying about having to leave, regretting taking it and not going to bed sooner. It was all a mistake, then I tried talking with my uncle about my mental illness shit, suicidal thoughts. This lack of sleep phenibut combo really fucked it all up, hard. Later on I almost jumped off a bridge. Currently spiraling out of control, really, and here I am getting pretty much no sleep after all that. Took a nap around 6:30, got woke up by a text because I left the shit on vibrate, regretted not at least walking around the nice lake my uncle in Iowa I stop ats house before hitting the road.

Like, this monster known as being suicidal, monsters in general having all this shit wrong with you is the one that should jump off the bridge. Fuck mental illness, fuck anyone who's helped contribute to it, and fuck me for taking phenibut. Never touching this shit again. Drug taking can be a monster... but this was just a bad decision. I don't really like the stuff, it was a one off attempt at causing euphoria as it has before, but I always was really tired the next day even if I'd slept quite a bit..

Hi mate. I always feel only the same message for you because I truly see so much of myself and own feelings, outlook, everything in you now, when I was atound your age.

Time still zipped fast. I went through hells brother trust. Took ingenuity on a scale, perseverence imagination resourcefulness, endurance!

And outright commitment.


If not for various misfortunes recent years it would have been worth every penny.


Getting "well" is the key and as you allude this world is making that nigh on impossible IME anyway.


Time stopped flying by for me ages ago, 43 now it SEEMS not to pass. Which is worse if you have pain, needs etc fighting to cater for.


Often getting well means totally changing diet, 1st & foremost.


My 99% allergy rate blocks myself here else, I would go onto a legit organic grass fed meat carnivore diet.

Sadly (for cows) it is the only way to thrive ultimately with exceptions ofc i.e. Novak Djokovic whose own body is suited to a plant diet.

It's a powerful healing medicine in own right.


Dr. Mercola is a brilliant resource of info on all things regarding wellness duet supplements you name it incl carnivore science.


Sad myself today. I have scrapped through painful hells of late so long, for my dog I love more than life.

She sprung up with advanced cancer recently, kidney liver spleen, which COULD burst.


Definitely declining but hardly eating. Vets shut too for Monday bank holiday but I think today isn't right moment fortunately possibly toms without a miracle.

 

[Senior Moderator]

Hi mate. I always feel only the same message for you because I truly see so much of myself and own feelings, outlook, everything in you now, when I was atound your age.

Time still zipped fast. I went through hells brother trust. Took ingenuity on a scale, perseverence imagination resourcefulness, endurance!

And outright commitment.


If not for various misfortunes recent years it would have been worth every penny.


Getting "well" is the key and as you allude this world is making that nigh on impossible IME anyway.


Time stopped flying by for me ages ago, 43 now it SEEMS not to pass. Which is worse if you have pain, needs etc fighting to cater for.


Often getting well means totally changing diet, 1st & foremost.


My 99% allergy rate blocks myself here else, I would go onto a legit organic grass fed meat carnivore diet.

Sadly (for cows) it is the only way to thrive ultimately with exceptions ofc i.e. Novak Djokovic whose own body is suited to a plant diet.

It's a powerful healing medicine in own right.


Dr. Mercola is a brilliant resource of info on all things regarding wellness duet supplements you name it incl carnivore science.


Sad myself today. I have scrapped through painful hells of late so long, for my dog I love more than life.

She sprung up with advanced cancer recently, kidney liver spleen, which COULD burst.


Definitely declining but hardly eating. Vets shut too for Monday bank holiday but I think today isn't right moment fortunately possibly toms without a miracle.

Oh mate I am actually a vet tech so I understand what your beautiful doggo is going through. I've actually got 2 patients with the exact same kind of cancer at the moment. It's so aggressive and the decline is so fast. How is she? ❤

And you are definitely on to something about DIET. Diet can change everything for some people. @BourbonMac if you decide to try a diet trial, it would be best to consult a dietician to get advice on the best diet for you and your ailments.

Well, here I am again. I had some dark thoughts the past week. I've been in the midwest seeing relatives. Well, the ones that are left, I saw none of my cousins. I basically just played with my aunt and uncles dog every day, he loves me and I love him more than probably anything in the world. Never have I known a dog so cute, cuddly, playful, and in complete love with me. Anyway... the first 5 days or something I had awful stomachaches, thought it was from the antibiotics I've been on for 5 weeks but no, actually right when I went back on them my stomach was better but that's a coincidence really.

First night I got in I took my antibiotic and got an instant stomachache. So I thought, it must be this, but that doesn't even make sense. This resulted in what had been a massive decrease in my tinnitus for weeks completely go to shit even after I went back on it because I'd flushed it out completely by 3 days. I only have 3 pills left and my doctor won't prescribe me any more despite still being infected and suggests I see a homeopathic doctor. No motherfucker, give me more Bactrim, it's working. It's just a longterm infection and requires longterm antibiotics, Jesus. I'll know once I finish the course and get awful headaches again and a droopy eye that my infection is just rebounding.

Anyway, I don't want to leave and go back to my shit household. I want to stay here where it's nice and I'm spiraling out of control and may just kill myself on the way home. Yup, that's where I'm at... Hell maybe I should just destroy mailboxes or rob a store, get arrested out here. Fuck me. I have a cousin who I could possibly stay with but she's always like yada yada this that, sister of my deceased cousin Patrick who died 2 years ago, I cry any time I think about him. He meant so much to us. Maybe if I told her I was suicidal over it'd change or mind(edit: this originally said something like over it, his death, but that sounded selfish and was unintentional) I mean, I did tell her yesterday I've struggled with thoughts but becoming roadkill on the way back very well may happen. If you don't hear from me in a week, I'm sorry it had to end like this. You've all been amazing, this is the best forum I've ever used.

Bactrim is a pretty strong antibiotic so maybe that's why your doc won't prescribe any more?? Maybe get a second opinion with a different doc?

 

[AutoTripper]

Oh mate I am actually a vet tech so I understand what your beautiful doggo is going through. I've actually got 2 patients with the exact same kind of cancer at the moment. It's so aggressive and the decline is so fast. How is she? ❤

And you are definitely on to something about DIET. Diet can change everything for some people. @BourbonMac if you decide to try a diet trial, it would be best to consult a dietician to get advice on the best diet for you and your ailments.


Bactrim is a pretty strong antibiotic so maybe that's why your doc won't prescribe any more?? Maybe get a second opinion with a different doc?

Thanks my friend.

This was abnormal.

My 73 Yr old Mum lost my dad to H OD 1983, Stepdad bipolar head shotgun 1987.

Countless great pets both us, her mum, my nan and best friend her siblings to cancer.

And she's never been struck with such grief or felt such a gap is how special she was.

She's changed me infinitely. She went yesterday it was inevitable perfectly timed though 6 pm one more night no worth, not eating drinking wanting get up move etc, STILL capable of being happy but spleen could burst they said, so it could have been seriously worse and at 6.20 pm I had been with her all the way in every capacity meeting all needs, coaching preparing assuring loving.


I told her I'd be there til very end. Was never letting go. And to not be afraid.

So as they maneuvered into back of our car thankfully I was able to keep my promise, I held her paws firm we engaged regular eye contact and I watched and stroked her cheek and brow as her eyes faded never letting go until I was myself damn sure she wasn't there anymore.


I mean that's brave right? And I so nearly killed MYSELF already times.


If anything please do try and think about that people.

 

[Senior Moderator]

She's changed me infinitely. She went yesterday it was inevitable perfectly timed though 6 pm one more night no worth, not eating drinking wanting get up move etc, STILL capable of being happy but spleen could burst they said, so it could have been seriously worse and at 6.20 pm I had been with her all the way in every capacity meeting all needs, coaching preparing assuring loving.


I told her I'd be there til very end. Was never letting go. And to not be afraid.

So as they maneuvered into back of our car thankfully I was able to keep my promise, I held her paws firm we engaged regular eye contact and I watched and stroked her cheek and brow as her eyes faded never letting go until I was myself damn sure she wasn't there anymore.


I mean that's brave right? And I so nearly killed MYSELF already times.


If anything please do try and think about that people.

I am so sad for your loss, I can feel your heartache from here. But YES you were so fucking brave yesterday. She needed you to be there with her at the end, and as hard as it was, you kept your promise to her. That is the definition of bravery, ro face something head on even though you're scared and you know it's going to hurt. So, well done for doing the right thing by her ❤❤❤ How are you feeling today?

 

[BK38]

I'm feeling really suicidal at the moment. My old best friends basically ignore me and won't return my calls (maybe they think I'm too unstable and fucked up from my PTSD) and they're all super successful and living the high life. One guy I'd call my brother wouldn't even take a phone call from me the day before he got married today and I feel so hollow and desperately alone. I'm living with my mom on a tiny budget in a small town in France I don't want to be in. I'm working with the government French employment agency to maybe get a job as a cleaner at a hotel (when I've done so much more with my life - this is like 10 steps back from restaurant and consulting work I used to do, but the language barrier is a bitch), I can hardly speak the language here, have no friends, have no savings or even decent drugs to top myself with. There's a rope in the garden I keep staring at and thinking of going into the woods and just ending it all. I can't afford an English speaking therapist, I have no savings, I have very little to live for I feel. I told my Mom how I'm feeling and obviously that upset her, but I have no one else to speak to. I don't want to get sectioned in a French psych ward, I'm of sound mind except for this huge boulder on my chest of suicidal ideation. I have a fuck ton of valium and right now all I can think of is that as soon as I can afford a bottle of vodka, I'm going to hike into the hills, get blind drunk on the vodka, take 100s of mg of valium, tie a rope around a tree and hang myself. I don't know what to do. My life is so shit. I'm not homeless at least, I have a good passport (UK) and French right of abode, my medical needs are taken care of for the most part... I feel so selfish even thinking these thoughts, but I feel lower than a dog. I've fucked up my life so much with squandered opportunities, drugs, depression, PTSD and psychotic episodes that accompany them. I need help and don't know where to turn.

 

[AutoTripper]

I'm feeling really suicidal at the moment. My old best friends basically ignore me and won't return my calls (maybe they think I'm too unstable and fucked up from my PTSD) and they're all super successful and living the high life. One guy I'd call my brother wouldn't even take a phone call from me the day before he got married today and I feel so hollow and desperately alone. I'm living with my mom on a tiny budget in a small town in France I don't want to be in. I'm working with the government French employment agency to maybe get a job as a cleaner at a hotel (when I've done so much more with my life - this is like 10 steps back from restaurant and consulting work I used to do, but the language barrier is a bitch), I can hardly speak the language here, have no friends, have no savings or even decent drugs to top myself with. There's a rope in the garden I keep staring at and thinking of going into the woods and just ending it all. I can't afford an English speaking therapist, I have no savings, I have very little to live for I feel. I told my Mom how I'm feeling and obviously that upset her, but I have no one else to speak to. I don't want to get sectioned in a French psych ward, I'm of sound mind except for this huge boulder on my chest of suicidal ideation. I have a fuck ton of valium and right now all I can think of is that as soon as I can afford a bottle of vodka, I'm going to hike into the hills, get blind drunk on the vodka, take 100s of mg of valium, tie a rope around a tree and hang myself. I don't know what to do. My life is so shit. I'm not homeless at least, I have a good passport (UK) and French right of abode, my medical needs are taken care of for the most part... I feel so selfish even thinking these thoughts, but I feel lower than a dog. I've fucked up my life so much with squandered opportunities, drugs, depression, PTSD and psychotic episodes that accompany them. I need help and don't know where to turn.

Mate I can fully concur with your resonating sentiments.

Snap on the "old "f-rienDs!"(??? ??????????????)" experience.

I've been learning to deal with that realisation thar sadly most people don't give shites truthfully, too busy feeling good about themselves to accommodate anyone not useable.


I'm a really great, v easy chilled to get on with guy in person.

Used to have queues of friends almost needed a cricket bat turning constant eager wannabees away.


Once I'm down aka Lyme on allergic to everything. Pah who wants to know right?


Ironically they do me grand favour these artificial day rider people keeping away.

For start we're on vastly different levels doesn't even cut it.

I'm not a regular, normal average typical person in any slight shade never will be.

Was so gregarious, naturally gifted humour quick witt social skills great fun younger didn't matter, bees to honey (or Rottweilers to meat lol)


I KNOW it isn't- Me! Per se.

If I look at each such person though they appaul & disappoint me anyway plus will never grasp much what I say, all respect me highly still Ironically.


Like for like though. They'd pull me down they cannot come up I cannot drop down to a door either hence, in truth.


Maybe similar with you? You seem clearly good clean positive open caring man.

Which by law of odds they possibly ain't??


But hold in. I share your loneliness and alienation every but, relate like F.


I spent helplessly 1st time ever for me days crying this week broken, to point unable to face daylight.

Not self pity though. Care and deep love for another purely and what she still had to go through, plus the huge gap she left ofc.


She was my reason to live. I lost "will" yonks ago.


I owe her now though so that's it tough luck, I HAVE to plot onwards.



I care about you man odd online ofc but you've always been real pleasant warm accepting and a bright spark.


Because I try avoid trivial lines of tact like say.... Oh no please don't do it....we love you....you're such an amazing person etc & so on, NOT because I don't care.

It's what it is so I just aim to be blunt, with some real personal heart touch always.

I mean honestly I can echo so many if not all your above statements.

I mean, why do you think I take SOOOO many psychoactives lol?

Hang in like each day is all there is for now. Rock bottom is sobering but there is always room to move up.

 

[BK38]

Mate I can fully concur with your resonating sentiments.

Snap on the "old "f-rienDs!"(??? ??????????????)" experience.

I've been learning to deal with that realisation thar sadly most people don't give shites truthfully, too busy feeling good about themselves to accommodate anyone not useable.


I'm a really great, v easy chilled to get on with guy in person.

Used to have queues of friends almost needed a cricket bat turning constant eager wannabees away.


Once I'm down aka Lyme on allergic to everything. Pah who wants to know right?


Ironically they do me grand favour these artificial day rider people keeping away.

For start we're on vastly different levels doesn't even cut it.

I'm not a regular, normal average typical person in any slight shade never will be.

Was so gregarious, naturally gifted humour quick witt social skills great fun younger didn't matter, bees to honey (or Rottweilers to meat lol)


I KNOW it isn't- Me! Per se.

If I look at each such person though they appaul & disappoint me anyway plus will never grasp much what I say, all respect me highly still Ironically.


Like for like though. They'd pull me down they cannot come up I cannot drop down to a door either hence, in truth.


Maybe similar with you? You seem clearly good clean positive open caring man.

Which by law of odds they possibly ain't??


But hold in. I share your loneliness and alienation every but, relate like F.


I spent helplessly 1st time ever for me days crying this week broken, to point unable to face daylight.

Not self pity though. Care and deep love for another purely and what she still had to go through, plus the huge gap she left ofc.


She was my reason to live. I lost "will" yonks ago.


I owe her now though so that's it tough luck, I HAVE to plot onwards.



I care about you man odd online ofc but you've always been real pleasant warm accepting and a bright spark.


Because I try avoid trivial lines of tact like say.... Oh no please don't do it....we love you....you're such an amazing person etc & so on, NOT because I don't care.

It's what it is so I just aim to be blunt, with some real personal heart touch always.

I mean honestly I can echo so many if not all your above statements.

I mean, why do you think I take SOOOO many psychoactives lol?

Hang in like each day is all there is for now. Rock bottom is sobering but there is always room to move up.

Thank you for taking the time to read what I'm going through. I'm just so tired you know? I've hit rock bottom more times than I care to count and only the thought of my mom, my dog, fear of suicide and the faintest hope are keeping me going. I know this isolation is doing me no good, the feeling that no one understands me etc. I am just so far removed from where I want to be in life and where I thought I'd be at age 33. I fear hell and the people that do still care about me and the pain I'd put them through. I feel like I'm down to one true friend and he's all the way over in Thailand. I understand that you didn't want to give me useless, hollow platitudes and I appreciate that. I don't know if I can get back to a place of loving myself and being at peace with my station in life. I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, but these suicidal thoughts are nipping at my heels like rabid dogs.

 

[BourbonMac]

I'd been coming around until my cousin Jenni spread all this crap about my drug use most of which was untrue. Like yeah I took Phenibut the last night, once, I've taken this stuff like 5 times? It was a gamble and I lost. I talked about psychedelics mostly, so she's hitting up random family members talking about how I'm out of control with "illicit drug use" like what the fuck... that's one less cousin I like now. She's always causing drama and such. I get that she's worried about my mental health as I shared some of my issues with her but she had no right to be bringing all this up to other family members, no right at all. She's very ignorant about all this shit, so what if I did DMT a lot between March and May? That has nothing to do with feeling suicidal. The stuff completely eradicates suicidal thoughts at any rate. So do shrooms even though I don't like them much and don't take them anymore unless it's a microdose.

 

[Senior Moderator]

Thank you for taking the time to read what I'm going through. I'm just so tired you know? I've hit rock bottom more times than I care to count and only the thought of my mom, my dog, fear of suicide and the faintest hope are keeping me going. I know this isolation is doing me no good, the feeling that no one understands me etc. I am just so far removed from where I want to be in life and where I thought I'd be at age 33. I fear hell and the people that do still care about me and the pain I'd put them through. I feel like I'm down to one true friend and he's all the way over in Thailand. I understand that you didn't want to give me useless, hollow platitudes and I appreciate that. I don't know if I can get back to a place of loving myself and being at peace with my station in life. I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, but these suicidal thoughts are nipping at my heels like rabid dogs.

In both of your posts, yes, I can feel your desperation, deep dark depression and I hear your fantasies of suicide. I completely understand, because I have felt the same way many, many times in my life.
However, in both of your posts you have listed many reasons why you should not attempt suicide. Some very pertinent reasons. You must try to shift your thoughts to these things, whenever you're fantasising about ending it. Shift that thought and think about your mum, think about your dog, dogs grieve and pine for their owners after they die just the same way that people do. If nothing else it's even worse for pets because they don't understand where you've gone, why you left them, why you're not coming back.
This is a rock bottom for you, yes. Possibly the one and only beautiful thing about being in a rock bottom is, as @AutoTripper said, the only way is up. But because you're depressed and feeling hopeless, it's going to take some hard work and extra energy on your part to lift yourself up and out of this funk. But you CAN do it. And when you do, you will look back on this time and be proud of yourself for getting through the toughest time of your life without checking out. I speak from personal experience from the many rock bottoms that I've somehow clawed my way out of, and my 6 failed suicide attempts (I finally gave up trying after 6 failed attempts, I clearly suck at suicide haha ). All of the hardship and dark times I've endured have made me a MUCH stronger and wiser person. And it will for you as well.

 

[AutoTripper]

Thank you for taking the time to read what I'm going through. I'm just so tired you know? I've hit rock bottom more times than I care to count and only the thought of my mom, my dog, fear of suicide and the faintest hope are keeping me going. I know this isolation is doing me no good, the feeling that no one understands me etc. I am just so far removed from where I want to be in life and where I thought I'd be at age 33. I fear hell and the people that do still care about me and the pain I'd put them through. I feel like I'm down to one true friend and he's all the way over in Thailand. I understand that you didn't want to give me useless, hollow platitudes and I appreciate that. I don't know if I can get back to a place of loving myself and being at peace with my station in life. I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, but these suicidal thoughts are nipping at my heels like rabid dogs.

Yo my friend really am sorry cos I ain't "one of those" lol, like ahh well guess that was that then next man why should he bother anyway...


I've been in one tremendous dark place myself. Now extreme and challenging even unbearable verging on sheer torturous physical pain and discomfort, dealing with that has long been a trade of mine

In fact I've literally made a living out of it haha.



365 since 2021 accident is levels of hell just passing seconds of the day conscious of body.


I've got many smart fastrack hack tricks in hand to employ, as proactive and outside box as gets.

Needs to be when you're legit allergic to over 99% things not before, normally or simple mass mean consumption.


One frequent vitality is writing off a whole day in too much acute stomach pain sickness unable to breathe for temporary high level allergy mucus, before 2021 injury since 2005 my life already revolved exclusively around managing this 365.

Then suddenly double the front, as injuries wrecked my intestines resulting in serious bowel disorder/haemorrhoids fissures vicious ones too, eventually so prolonged multiple organ sickness never an issue before- liver toxic, kidneys spleen etc. Descending, entire colon.

Add Left heart valve Covid infection which I've personally had whatever consensus fantasy is, and being as anti mainstream open independant minded as be, over 10 times easy Long style in NS always thanks to Lyme, haven't NOT had Long Covid actually since end 2020!



Hate having to succumb to full out squirming in pain and suffocation on floor, which I sleep too lol carpet duvet etc, days times.



But last week needed this, except such sharp emotional pain amidst typically hellish albeit spectacular and amazing dreaming experiences, made resting it out unbearable.

Like I told above because I could only cry like the most insignificant thing deep on ocean floor. Unable to get up too painful, hurts fasting too only time and recipe heals though.



I've been thinking of you though. I'm a real mega allsorts dreamer, one short one 2 nights ago, my phone rings...it's my bro BK lol. Mean I'd never have such a genuine vivid little dream if what I say here is false, right? (I could just be a right weirdo though lol)

I did think strange, he's on the forum?? Answered anyway.



I naturally find the words though, never duty, obligation pity etc, nor artificiality.

Will, ability, naturalness. However pain sickness breathing and grief keeping me down.


I echo so much what you say. Gotta always think of those you love!


Only reason I've kept going.


The outside or real world of deepdown mostly artificial people befriended in time has disappointed and let me down same way also you speak feeling.


I'm so wiped out, I hated idea you feeling by day, ahh who cares anyway...

When only my own condition and real physical battle alone to keep life unabled me responding.


I hope you are feeling alright beginning this week.

Do hang in. We all take way too much for granted as well, I've found appreciating this more not in retrospect can really help mental state.


And YESSS! What you said about loving yourself. It is as crucial as about anything we actually do, re physical/mental health & wellbeing.

 

[AutoTripper]

In both of your posts, yes, I can feel your desperation, deep dark depression and I hear your fantasies of suicide. I completely understand, because I have felt the same way many, many times in my life.
However, in both of your posts you have listed many reasons why you should not attempt suicide. Some very pertinent reasons. You must try to shift your thoughts to these things, whenever you're fantasising about ending it. Shift that thought and think about your mum, think about your dog, dogs grieve and pine for their owners after they die just the same way that people do. If nothing else it's even worse for pets because they don't understand where you've gone, why you left them, why you're not coming back.
This is a rock bottom for you, yes. Possibly the one and only beautiful thing about being in a rock bottom is, as @AutoTripper said, the only way is up. But because you're depressed and feeling hopeless, it's going to take some hard work and extra energy on your part to lift yourself up and out of this funk. But you CAN do it. And when you do, you will look back on this time and be proud of yourself for getting through the toughest time of your life without checking out. I speak from personal experience from the many rock bottoms that I've somehow clawed my way out of, and my 6 failed suicide attempts (I finally gave up trying after 6 failed attempts, I clearly suck at suicide haha ). All of the hardship and dark times I've endured have made me a MUCH stronger and wiser person. And it will for you as well.

Sorry you had to go through that but hard paths do correlate with gold end of the rainbow ironically.

So 1st, maybe don't challenge me to a one on one lol.

I'm strictly a do or don't guy, no "attempts" haha like a marriage just divorce if you don't like it.


Hence the finality of it.

Whenever I propose it myself, sincerely out of unbearable all round largely bodily suffering, it's never my desire just can't envisage alternative.

So I lay it on the table, to force my higher self take a little charge.


Aversion the real aim. It's worked so far. So I'd say sheerly contemplating suicide and actually deciding, against, may be a necessary coping, transformational mechanism at times rather than weakness or cause for shame.

So right too. Things can go up, and they go down.

I've also learned even beneath rock bottom, lies more terrain to discover, but as you say too clambering back up again once more even higher bar- like exercise is where we grow IMO.

 

[BK38]

In both of your posts, yes, I can feel your desperation, deep dark depression and I hear your fantasies of suicide. I completely understand, because I have felt the same way many, many times in my life.
However, in both of your posts you have listed many reasons why you should not attempt suicide. Some very pertinent reasons. You must try to shift your thoughts to these things, whenever you're fantasising about ending it. Shift that thought and think about your mum, think about your dog, dogs grieve and pine for their owners after they die just the same way that people do. If nothing else it's even worse for pets because they don't understand where you've gone, why you left them, why you're not coming back.
This is a rock bottom for you, yes. Possibly the one and only beautiful thing about being in a rock bottom is, as @AutoTripper said, the only way is up. But because you're depressed and feeling hopeless, it's going to take some hard work and extra energy on your part to lift yourself up and out of this funk. But you CAN do it. And when you do, you will look back on this time and be proud of yourself for getting through the toughest time of your life without checking out. I speak from personal experience from the many rock bottoms that I've somehow clawed my way out of, and my 6 failed suicide attempts (I finally gave up trying after 6 failed attempts, I clearly suck at suicide haha ). All of the hardship and dark times I've endured have made me a MUCH stronger and wiser person. And it will for you as well.

I've endured a lot and it has made me more resilient. I've been homeless, attempted suicide once and my old dog (RIP) stopped me when she was scratching at the door. I've been clean off heroin for 11-12 years and methamphetamine for 9 years and have endured physical and sexual assault, neglect (even though I come from a upper middle class home), have spent more time in rehabs than universities and have a C-PTSD diagnosis. I'm 33 years old and this feels like a turning point to make something of myself or not. I don't like my options right now and time is precious. My best prospect right now is maybe a minimum wage housekeeping gig at a hotel, in a place I don't want to be in (small town France), where I barely speak the language and I'm living with my Mom. If I grinded for a couple years at the French I might be able to move up to a Receptionist gig or and/or be able to save enough to gtfo of this tiny town. Clawing my way up/out as you so aptly put it is my only real option besides killing myself, or ending up on suicide watch or some shit in some French institution. I know if I had a lethal dose of Heroin or Fentanyl that's probably how I'd go out, I have neither the connections nor the money to kill myself how I'd want to even if I did- how pathetic is that? Anyhow, I'm trying to take it a day at a time and push out the intrusive thoughts of just ending it all. Thank you for reading and your kind words of encouragement.

 

[Senior Moderator]

I've endured a lot and it has made me more resilient.

No doubt it has ❤

have endured physical and sexual assault,

Me too

neglect (even though I come from a upper middle class home),

Me too

have spent more time in rehabs than universities

Me too

and have a C-PTSD diagnosis.

Me too. Hey, you and I have a lot in common.

I'm 33 years old and this feels like a turning point to make something of myself or not.

I'm nearly 39 and I've given up placing this kind of unnecessary pressure on myself. BTW I live with my parents, yet again, basically because I'm no good at adulting on my own. I COULD feel embarrassed and ashamed about this if I wanted to...but instead I am gentle with myself and admit that it's by far the safest place for me to be whilst I'm in recovery

Time is precious.

Time, and life is indeed very, VERY precious and therefore should not be wasted on suicide.

My best prospect right now is maybe a minimum wage housekeeping gig at a hotel, in a place I don't want to be in (small town France), where I barely speak the language and I'm living with my Mom. If I grinded for a couple years at the French I might be able to move up to a Receptionist gig or and/or be able to save enough to gtfo of this tiny town.

You're an intelligent person, if you utilise some language apps, listen to French while you're going to sleep, bathe yourself in the language, you will pick up the bits of it that you need much faster than you might think. Why is your mum there? Has she been there a while now? Does she speak any French? Ask her to teach you the basic phrases you need just to get by. Then you can take it from there?

Clawing my way up/out as you so aptly put it is my only real option

Yes!! Claw your way up and out!

or ending up on suicide watch or some shit in some French institution.

Avoid at all costs. And you know what that means...please avoid any suicide attempts. With your aforementioned method (valium, vodka and a rope) you are VERY unlikely to succeed and will much more likely end up in hospital for a very long time with no knowledge of the language. That legitimately sounds like a horror movie. Please use your energy to focus on clawing your way up and out my friend ❤

 

[BK38]

No doubt it has ❤

Me too

Me too

Me too

Me too. Hey, you and I have a lot in common.

I'm nearly 39 and I've given up placing this kind of unnecessary pressure on myself. BTW I live with my parents, yet again, basically because I'm no good at adulting on my own. I COULD feel embarrassed and ashamed about this if I wanted to...but instead I am gentle with myself and admit that it's by far the safest place for me to be whilst I'm in recovery

Time, and life is indeed very, VERY precious and therefore should not be wasted on suicide.

You're an intelligent person, if you utilise some language apps, listen to French while you're going to sleep, bathe yourself in the language, you will pick up the bits of it that you need much faster than you might think. Why is your mum there? Has she been there a while now? Does she speak any French? Ask her to teach you the basic phrases you need just to get by. Then you can take it from there?

Yes!! Claw your way up and out!

Avoid at all costs. And you know what that means...please avoid any suicide attempts. With your aforementioned method (valium, vodka and a rope) you are VERY unlikely to succeed and will much more likely end up in hospital for a very long time with no knowledge of the language. That legitimately sounds like a horror movie. Please use your energy to focus on clawing your way up and out my friend ❤

Yes, it does sound like we have a lot in common. I'm just really frustrated, upset and I know I'm not fulfilling my potential. My Mother does speak fluent French and I've been using the app Duolingo to try and boost my vocabulary. I'm too broke to go out and about in town and make friends and that's frustrating too. I've spent 3 weeks in a psych ward here about a year ago and that was so isolating and difficult, not speaking the language and all. I want to claw my way out but the language seems insurmountable. I tried to take a French government course to get employed but it was far too advanced. I have another language class organized through them coming up on the 12th and have my CV and stuff in order for them to send out so that maybe I can get a simple job that doesn't require such high-level language skills. I feel really trapped and disappointed in myself. My Mom knows that psychedelics sometimes help me and she has ordered some magic truffles for me online that should arrive sometime next week. The introspection and a trip might be able to do me some good, I don't know, but they have helped me in the past. I'm currently masking my pain, both physical and emotional with codeine and valium, but I know that's not sustainable and is likely to bring me down further. I don't want to be in France for years and years with nothing to show for it and I'd much rather be somewhere else, out on my own again instead of being a burden to my mother, who barely makes enough money for us to keep food on the table. My dad is relatively wealthy but doesn't want to bail me out again and I don't think he has a grasp on how bad things have gotten. He lives in Thailand with his 4 dogs and has a narcissistic personality. I love both my parents, but I've been through so much and feel so damaged. I can't remember the last time I've been able to hold my head up high. I'll attach a link to a bit of my story if you care to read it, it was an article I wrote centered around psychedelics for an RC company, but really it tells a lot of my life story. There still isn't a day that goes by without me thinking about suicide, but I know it's not the answer. My Dad will come to visit in Oct and it will be the first time I'll be seeing him in 4 years, we don't always get along but maybe I can make him understand how tough life has been. Thanks again for listening and being there.

Here's the link to the article, it's about 10,000 words long, but if you have the time to read it, it might lend you some insight into my life:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sCdHJf_jXaXRMRp7bh9UuTYjib_scYdIp1562sY8JMQ/edit?usp=sharing

 

[Senior Moderator]

Yes, it does sound like we have a lot in common. I'm just really frustrated, upset and I know I'm not fulfilling my potential. My Mother does speak fluent French and I've been using the app Duolingo to try and boost my vocabulary. I'm too broke to go out and about in town and make friends and that's frustrating too. I've spent 3 weeks in a psych ward here about a year ago and that was so isolating and difficult, not speaking the language and all. I want to claw my way out but the language seems insurmountable. I tried to take a French government course to get employed but it was far too advanced. I have another language class organized through them coming up on the 12th and have my CV and stuff in order for them to send out so that maybe I can get a simple job that doesn't require such high-level language skills. I feel really trapped and disappointed in myself. My Mom knows that psychedelics sometimes help me and she has ordered some magic truffles for me online that should arrive sometime next week. The introspection and a trip might be able to do me some good, I don't know, but they have helped me in the past. I'm currently masking my pain, both physical and emotional with codeine and valium, but I know that's not sustainable and is likely to bring me down further. I don't want to be in France for years and years with nothing to show for it and I'd much rather be somewhere else, out on my own again instead of being a burden to my mother, who barely makes enough money for us to keep food on the table. My dad is relatively wealthy but doesn't want to bail me out again and I don't think he has a grasp on how bad things have gotten. He lives in Thailand with his 4 dogs and has a narcissistic personality. I love both my parents, but I've been through so much and feel so damaged. I can't remember the last time I've been able to hold my head up high. I'll attach a link to a bit of my story if you care to read it, it was an article I wrote centered around psychedelics for an RC company, but really it tells a lot of my life story. There still isn't a day that goes by without me thinking about suicide, but I know it's not the answer. My Dad will come to visit in Oct and it will be the first time I'll be seeing him in 4 years, we don't always get along but maybe I can make him understand how tough life has been. Thanks again for listening and being there.

Here's the link to the article, it's about 10,000 words long, but if you have the time to read it, it might lend you some insight into my life:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sCdHJf_jXaXRMRp7bh9UuTYjib_scYdIp1562sY8JMQ/edit?usp=sharing

I read the whole article. Thank you so much for sharing that ❤

You are indeed extremely resilient and have overcome SO much adversity. There is no reason that you can't overcome this tough period of your life as well.

I have been suicidal many, many times in my life, and as previously mentioned I have made numerous failed attempts. I now have the mantra that "Suicide is not an option". Similarly, for me, "Drinking and using drugs is not an option" because I am a recovering addict. Whenever I need to, I just repeat my mantra to myself over and over and over, until my brain has moved on from the urge. Perhaps you could use this mantra too? Suicide is simply not an option. It helps my brain think of alternate solutions to my problems.

So, you speak fluent English and Chinese (Mandarin, I'm assuming?), and you have likely picked up bits of other languages along your path. Could you perhaps work as a translator, or a teacher, in the little French town? You have a very large skill set. I think it is just your confidence that is holding you back from getting a worthy job and making the most of your time in the little French town.

 

[BK38]

I read the whole article. Thank you so much for sharing that ❤

You are indeed extremely resilient and have overcome SO much adversity. There is no reason that you can't overcome this tough period of your life as well.

I have been suicidal many, many times in my life, and as previously mentioned I have made numerous failed attempts. I now have the mantra that "Suicide is not an option". Similarly, for me, "Drinking and using drugs is not an option" because I am a recovering addict. Whenever I need to, I just repeat my mantra to myself over and over and over, until my brain has moved on from the urge. Perhaps you could use this mantra too? Suicide is simply not an option. It helps my brain think of alternate solutions to my problems.

So, you speak fluent English and Chinese (Mandarin, I'm assuming?), and you have likely picked up bits of other languages along your path. Could you perhaps work as a translator, or a teacher, in the little French town? You have a very large skill set. I think it is just your confidence that is holding you back from getting a worthy job and making the most of your time in the little French town.

Thank you for taking the time to read my whole story, it means a lot to me that you took the time out to gain a little insight into my life's journey. I haven't shared that with anyone besides my Mom, the company I was working for and one other friend. They all tell me I should write a book because it's a crazy story and maybe there is some catharsis to be had in doing so. I don't even know where to begin though and I wouldn't really want it to be a memoir (names and stuff have been changed in what I linked you). It was also aimed at psychedelics as that was what was being asked of me by the company I was writing for. It was originally supposed to be capped at 4000 words but then I realized I couldn't really condense it and it needed context to understand how psychedelics have helped me in the past.

The main things holding me back are my lack of French, my lack of self-esteem and confidence, some issues with unresolved trauma, depression and feeling aimless. I can barely hold a conversation in French and am very isolated, this also impedes what I can do in a work setting (hence the only potential prospects being minimum wage jobs that I will likely hate). With that said, I don't mind the idea of peeling spuds or prepping stuff in kitchens where language would not be as much of an issue. I wish that I could earn a decent living working as a freelance writer (as I have done in the past), but competition is just too fierce these days and people in general are just unwilling to pay reasonable rates for writing. I have thought about maybe doing some freelance tutoring remotely with Chinese clientele (it is Mandarin I speak btw), teaching English and maybe building a base from there.

I'm not in recovery like you, but I do stay away from hard drugs in general, but am dependent on codeine and valium and am partial to beer/marijuana when I can afford it. I do smoke CBD when I can afford it too as it helps with the nerve pain. I always run through my script of codeine way too quickly because I take double the prescribed dose (I am abusing it), just to get some relief emotionally (I do have physical pain in my left arm though from many dislocations and will eventually need surgery). I suffered a freak accident where I laid on my arm for too long zonked out on Valium about a year ago and it fully paralyzed my left arm too and I have lasting nerve damage (I have mostly regained function - though my arm is atrophied and my hand has a slight tremor - I can't handle heavy weight).

My mantra regarding suicide has mostly been "not today, you are not going to kill yourself, you are young, you still have a chance at building a life." It's ironic that I suffer from suicidal ideation and addictive tendencies as I've helped more than one friend through tough times just like I'm experiencing, but who do I lean on, you know? Ideally I'd be in therapy but there aren't any English language therapists near me and the ones that I can reach charge too much and I can't afford it (they don't accept the French state insurance I'm dependent on for my medical needs).

I don't really know what to do, but I just take each day as it comes and say "not today." I have some French lessons coming up and the French Labor Bureau is going to try and help connect me with prospective employers, so I guess that's a positive thing. Thank you for being someone I can connect to a bit and I appreciate your advice and just for being someone I can talk to. It's weird, this is a kind of "tired, hopeless, out of time" feeling rock bottom I'm experiencing when I've been in far worse situations as you read. Anyhow, thanks again for being there.